Saturday, April 19, 2008

Hi God, I'm back.

Ok, so this is me. I have just started going back to my church and it was about 2 and a half years since I have been. I am very ashamed that I was gone so long and let me tell you shame is a really hard thing to shake from your conscience. Shame lingers don't you think? I took what I told myself would be a couple of weeks off, I was exhausted and working a lot of hours. I sang in the choir so I had to be there Wed. evenings until 9pm or so and had to be there at 9:30am on Sunday(I worked Saturdays so Sunday was the only day off with the 3 kids) and church didn't let out until 1pm. I was so unbearably tired... corporate greed had turned my workplace into a place of dread. I just needed some time to rest, time with my husband and kids, I just needed a couple of weeks off from going to church. Was that really so much to ask? The choir director had just left the church and we had guest singers coming anyway, who would miss me? The lady left in charge made a big deal about everyone not taking any time off and made a show of pointing out to us that evening that those who weren't there weren't faithful to God. Oh no!!!!! But I am faithful to God... I'm just sooooo tired.....I need to rest, my kids need me, why did she have to say that? How could I let her know I wouldn't be there after that? Well the enemy is clever isn't he?
That next Sunday was my last Sunday for 2 and a half years. Someone I know made some remarks meant to make me feel bad about myself and it wasn't the first time. She had been catty for a couple of weeks. Then someone else after we got done singing was just nasty to me and I said to myself "I don't need this.". I went home angry and tired and I never went back. People say all the time that you don't have to be in church to believe and love God and that is certainly true. HOWEVER, after 2 years of not being in church and having fellowship with other believers my realtionship with God was what? I can't even say what it is. I abandoned my prayer life, bible study was gone, my emersion in the word and the joy of the relationship I had with God was pretty much gone. He never left me but I sure did leave Him. For what?? I let some hurt feelings and new found love of lazy sunday mornings take my joy, take my beautiful relationship with God away. The only thing I am emersed in now is chaos,troubles and shame because I told God I would not leave him and I did. I used to pray and felt as though I was right next to God, sooo close. It was great! He used to drop a word to me all the time, I would be going about my business and thoughts would just be there and I knew they were God talking to me. Most people like to think these thoughts and prodings come from their conscience, I know they came from the Holy Spirit who lives in me. He is our conscience, he speaks to us what God tells him to and I loved getting a word from the Lord. The reason for the blog??? I am struggling to find my way back, I pray but my prayers are hindered with pleas to rescue me from the living Hell my life has become. I am trying to seek first the kingdom and his will, I am trying to get back to what I used to have. I am trying but not succeeding. I know God wants me back, I know I know I know. But I feel like he is angry with me, God does get angry, it's all over the Bible. I could not blame Him. I lied, I said I would not leave and when I knew I should go back I didn't because I LOVED my new found lazy Sundays, Oh the extra time I had.... I feel a distance between myself and God, I know it is there. I also know he could restore my life instantly if he so desired. Who am I to tell God to do my bidding and make my life better now that I'm back? But I do plea with him and he has always rescued me when troubles came in the past, I always knew he would rescue me. I don't know now, I am tormented by my earthly troubles and also by my spiritual neglect of my time and friendship with God. I have grieved God, I have grieved His Holy Spirt within me. Is God angry with me and letting me sink this time? Will he save my earthly troubles? Is God angry with me??? I ask for a word, he used to drop a word in my spirit all the time, now I don't hear anything. The silent treatment stinks... I gave it to him mostly for 2 years. I had only an occassional hello for him. Will he accept me back? I fear it will not be the same. I am determined to improve myself and for the first time in my life really try to study what God is like because we are supposed to be like Him. I desire to truly be in His will. Let's see how things go...

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