Friday, June 13, 2008

The Best Is Yet To Be

The best is yet to be.

I spent a good part of yesterday quoting God to God. Quoting the word of his apostles & prophets.

So I am born again. Therefore God is with me, his Holy Spirit lives within me so I cannot be alone. If He is with me his word says he will not give us more than we can bear. He will not forsake me. If He is with me & He knows me then He will bring me through. Right? That is what his word says. The bible says if we are seeking God and love him and try to follow His ways always, he will bless us. I can't help but wonder still if there is sin in my life that I am unaware of that could hinder God blessing my family. That is biblical. So I have prayed for God to reveal this to me if it is that. So far nothing there. I sin of course, we all do. I ask daily for forgiveness for all that I can think of and I ask for forgiveness for what I have sinned & do not realize it. I ask for conviction so I can repent and not repeat. I have cried out to God, I read Psalms aloud to God & myself yesterday. King David sure was something, if he was alive today & feeling & writing about these things most church people would stay away from him because he was a negative whiner as they would probably put it. I think David's psalms are wonderful, they are so beneficial for everyone. I can't hardly get my husband or any man to properly communicate how their day was much less pen multiple psalms of praise, worship, prayers, & raw emotion.

I am feeling desperate. I am confused. My husband is sick of me being depressed & negative. He barked at me today to be happy. I want to. I need God to heal me. I am not a person who can function with this much stress. Mostly, I can't function with financial stress. I am a security driven person. I need to be secure. I am a very responsible person. I am orderly. I NEED to know the bills are paid on time. I NEED to have a savings account. I don't need to be rich, I just need to know I can live within my means. Unfortunately, I have 8 people in my home so it takes a lot to house us. I own my home and the home market is in the pooper so I can't sell my home for what it is worth. I am stuck. I need to get rid of the suburban, but we owe $8,000 more on it than it is worth. The only people willing to trade it for something cheaper & put the negative equity on the new loan puts my payment for the same amount I am paying now so we gain nothing. I am desperate. We aren't people to just shirk our debts. We are trying to do things right. I see now why people declare bankruptcy. Sometimes you just can't do it. I don't want to ruin my credit, I don't want to be someone who just doesn't pay what they owe. Definitely not biblical.

So I cry out to God. I have given him an amount I need to do in the store today & tomorrow to pay the bills due as of the end of business Sat. Only God can bring in this amount. I have prayed all evening and all morning that the store would be filled & people would buy all day long. I am alone in here. 2 people have come in, one bought one didn't. It's getting late, where are the people? I pray for God to have mercy on us, I am hoping someone calls hubby with a basement to finish. He has estimates out. I don't understand why sometimes God moves & sometimes not. He has helped us financially, he has helped me with mega days in the store just in the nick of time to pay bills. Now for 2 weeks nothing. I am WAY below normal the past 2 weeks, ridiculuously low in sales. I feel cursed, I fear that God is angry with me & will not help us. What can I do to show God I love him, I want to be a good servant, I want him to use me. It is my desire to never leave Him again. I musn't. I won't. Why doesn't He respond to my cries? Why does he sometimes and then othertimes not? I don't understand. I cannot take this stress. I want to tell myself to be optimistic, I am so trying. It isn't easy. I need God to help me. I am not blind to my faults, I am trying to change. Will he hear me? Will he honor that I am trying to be as good as I can & help all who I can help? Will he? I don't know what He wants me to do? I ask him what His will is for me. I don't know, I have prayed that for years & I have never really felt an answer. Just helping. Maybe that is my calling. To help people. It's the only thing I have been felt to do other than choir. I am praying for His mercy, I need it. Oh, I need it to get really busy here quickly........ My chest hurts. I was up all night long, too stressed to sleep. God I need you.


The Nester said...

Hey girl, I didn't have time to read the whole post but I have felt so many of the same feelings and still do at times.

Email me from my contact page. I have a book I want to send you if you feel like reading something. This is one of 3 or 4 books that changed my and my husband's life.

no lie.

The Nester said...

I just read the rest of your post. I don't even know what to say but, I think we are so much alike. I'll email you later if I don't hear from you.