Here I am. But wait, it isn't just me. God is in me, Jesus is in me, the Holy Spirit lives within me. Here we are. Someone gave me a most wonderful book to read called Grace Walk. It was really powerful for me. I have always known I am "saved" & that "God lives in me" but I guess I never really knew exactly what that meant apart from knowing the Holy Spirt tells me the things of God & directs me. That I knew, but there is so much more. The approach of what the author is telling us to simply rest in Christ and let Him live through us & the rest will come seems so unbelievably simple. And yet of course although it seems simple I am sure is is harder than it seems to me now having just finished the book & hoping to apply it to my life. No, I will apply it. I am going to go back & slowly re read the book to digest it slowly. I started it yesterday & just finished it. It was that good!!!!! I have been struggling & trying so hard to live my life for God. It seems that God doesn't need for me to do that. Well, I should say it hasn't always been a struggle, I enjoy my relationship with God, but I should say that I was frustrated that even as "good " of a girl I was it was impossible to measure up & I so wanted to be pleasing to God. The author says to simply surrender to Christ. Let Him live His life through you. Give it all to God & if you really mean it He will do what needs to be done through you. God doesn't need us, He wants us. He doesn't expect us to work for him, He wants to work through us. He wants us to simply seek HIM. As we put our lives in His hands & seek Him He will do what needs to be done through us & supply what is needed. I am really exicted that it could be that easy & I have missed it completely. God doesn't need me to be strong, He needs me totally reliant on Him so He can work through me. I am sure this is really not that easy to begin to apply for me atleast because I am a doer. I am a very strong person, I will get myself through anything. I have had to be strong & instead of being strong through God I relied on myself to be strong and do what needed to be done. I once heard someone say that they knew a man who woke up every morning and said to the Father, "Good morning Lord, where are we going & what are we doing today?". I never have forgotton that & now I know why. That man was putting his life totally in God's hands, I believe he was serious with this statement & whatever God moved him to do he did. I really loved that thought & I have tried saying it to God many times over the last couple of years but it never felt right & I always wondered why. I want to serve God. So God doesn't need us to serve him. He needs us to know Him intimately, love Him, seek Him & then be totally surrendered to let Him live through us to glorify his name. He works through us so others can see Him through us. So I am now at the bottom of myself, I have nothing left for me to do in my life or for my family or for God because I am always working or fulfilling my family obligations or worrying about my financial crisis that I have "no time" do things for God. I believe that is where he wants me now, he has completely broken me. I am broken. This is my lowest point. A year and a half ago I had plenty of money, the bills were paid, my hubby made six figures, I made plenty but quit to stay at home with the baby but even then we had plenty. This time last year I was at the Walt Disney Resort staying in the Resort & going to several parks & then we went to Daytona Beach for a few days in a condo. Do you know how much that costs for 2 adults & four kids???? I had it to spend. Now I am broke, no health insurance, I have $80 a week to spend for food for six people, I have always been able to be a whiz in business & my business is failing, people used to offer hubby jobs all the time and bid for him because he does such a great job & now he can't find anything steady. This is a pretty low place to be in a small amount of time. I am completely humbled. I must say though that I was never conceited about what we had, I have left churches because of an attitude of the "better thans". You know we're better than them becasue we are or we have..... oh & where do you live & what do you drive?". I can't stand that. God is not a respector of persons so we should not be either. But still, it is quite horrific to not be able to pay your bills & feed your family properly. My son called me yesterday in pain & was crying because of severe stomach pain. My second thought was Oh no, I have no insurance, how will I pay for the doctor? Pretty Bad. So God has brought me low to show me that I can't do anything without him. I am still not 100% on what exactly my lesson to be learned is or if it is just simply that alone. But I am excited about this "exchanged life". I give my life to Jesus & I will let him live through me. I give him everything & I am willing to do as he pleases. I know God loves me & does not desire my unhappiness. Right now I do not believe anyone can see me & see Jesus. So here I am again, letting Jesus live through me to glorify the Father. Can you see him yet? I see a little excitement in my eyes & as Martha Stewart says, "That's a good thing."