Monday, June 30, 2008

Disbelief or just an analytical thinker??

Faith. My husband amazes me because he can be totally relaxed 99% of the time no matter what is happening. He says to relax & just have faith.
I am more of a panic person. I will stress & freak out. I think this comes from a childhood that was completely stress free. I never heard my parents fight, I was an only child, lived in a fairly small quiet town & went to a very small private Baptist church school until my junior year. Everything was dandy. I don't think I ever really even had any real problems or stress until I was 22 & had my first baby. When she was four months old Hurricane Andrew struck & my home was destroyed completely. My life has never been the same since. It has been filled with turmoil ever since. I don't think I had ever learned any stress coping lessons due to the fact that I had no stress. If I told you all the events of my life from the moment the Hurricane hit land around 1am on August 23, 1992 (yes I'll never forget that date) up to even just one year later you'd never believe me. I think so much has happened to me in such a short amount of time that I just still never had the time to learn stress coping lessons from the Bible even because I was too busy being a single mother & fighting off the horrendous things that just kept coming at me. So now here I am at 38 trying to rest in Christ & it is going to be difficult. I wrote earlier that I didn't feel any different yet or moved by God yet except to pray differently. Well, I have to say that on Saturday I did begin to really be aware of God in me, his convicting presence in me. I used to curse like a sailor when I was single, it took me 2 years or so to stop. When something happens to irritate me to this day I will fire off a d*mmit. I don't like it, I don't even think about it, it just flies out. I even have my own special way of saying it, ha , like it's something to customize & be proud of. Well, since Saturday I have felt very convicted about the 3 or 4 d*mmit's I have said in 2 days. I also felt some strong convictions about how I was interacting or not interacting with family. I was happy about that because God is at work in me, very good. So I guess a heightened awareness of His presence is at work in me. I'll take it. But back to faith again, hubby says I don't have enough faith. I am not sure it is that, maybe it is. I am like my Dad. He is very analytical & so am I. My first time baking brownies as a little girl, the instructions said to stir by hand. I asked my mom if it was okay if I used a spoon. You see, I am also very literal. Very literal. My 10 year old son is like me too. My husband was trying to tell me how he always cleans up the job site before he leaves everyday, he has had our son helping him. So he says, Brandon, what is the last thing Daddy does before we go home and Brandon says, close the trailor door. Hee hee. Hubby looks over at me and says "That's your son.". I was so proud. Well, that's the last thing he does. So I think very hard about things & it is difficult for me not to worry. Hubby says when I worry it is a lack of faith. He is probably right. I just hope God has a learning curve for me. I am trying. When I say I am going to just give it all to God there is a small part of me that like a computer will quickly review stories in the Bible where people still had to suffer & go through terrible hardship & then I begin to say well, sometimes God does withdraw his protection from us. Either to correct us or teach us or sometimes He just needs to bring us low so we have only Him & can work through us instead of us letting him rent us for awhile. My Bishop that just quit is bankrupt. Now I don't know what God's purpose was in that, but I get scared becasue they have to live with family now, they have no home. I see things like this & it is hard for me not to be scared, God let it happen to them, what's so special about me. Why would I just be able to lay back & say well, I gave it to God & I am going to seek him more so it's all gonna be okay. This is the thought process I must rid myself of. I have done quite well with it lately. I just keep telling God it is all His to fix. I am waiting on Him. I speak only positive things about our finances with the occassional slip. I am learning with God's help to rely more on my faith & less on my analytical mind. That feels good. I don't like to think I have disbelief or a lack of faith, that is rather painful. I say about everyday that God could bring in enough paying customers to make everything great at any moment if He wanted to. He could bring hubby enough jobs to pay the bills & then some if He wanted to. I know He could heal our finances at any moment if He so choose, I don't doubt whether He can, I just worry if He WILL. So resting in Him means not worrying about that so much now. I just shrug & tell him I am waiting on Him to move. That feels much better than a panic attack.


RJW said...

Saw your comment on Steve McVey's sight and found your blog from there.It made me smile. Be encouraged; God is faithful, even when we aren't. He keeps us because we can't keep ourselves, and He is sooo patient and gracious.(I think cursing doesn't surprise Him as much as we think and I KNOW He really doesn't sweat the little stuff. After the cross, it's ALL little. That's what "reconciling the world" means; I love that. You're not being convicted of sin, but of righteousness. Sinner isn't who you are anymore, get it? You are a new creation and it is your nature to "righteous"; to walk in your new identity: IN CHRIST...and He does the walking! I love that, too!) RUN, do not walk, to your computer and on (Christian Book Distributors) order Lifetime Guarantee by Bill Gilham, and Grace Rules,and Grace Amazing by Steve McVey. Life Changing Books! Then, since you're on a roll, head out to Barnes & Noble for some frozen caffeine thing and buy The Shack by William P. Young and He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not by Trish Ryan. After you have recovered from your head exploding as a result of some serious "Who You Are In Christ" therapy, chill out and watch The Matrix to "free your mind". Bob George's Classic Christianity and Growing In Grace, along with Watchman Nee's The Normal Christian Life are great "finished work" chasers, and you will love The Divine Romance. I would love to hear from you after you recuperate; to hear your thoughts on these books. And you can tell your husband that "woman porn" helps you identify with being "the Bride of Christ"; Jesus: the ultimate romantic hero.;)

ocean mommy said...

I think the more time you are spending with the Lord, reading and listening to Him, the more your taste changes. It's all part of growing up with Him! It's exciting isn't it? BUT at the same time I find myself struggling with the same old "thing" and screaming...this AGAIN!!! Hang in there...our God is so faithful and praise Him that His mercy is new each morning.

Praying for you today..