Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My Boys

My two little men told me to get out of the bathroom. The big one is watching the little one throw all his toys out of the tub while he reads his book. I just swapped out my two oldest kids bedrooms to make way for the little one. Now my sons have a pinky/purpley bathroom to share. We have stripped the walls bare to help de-girl the bathroom. NO flowers they say. I don't know what to do with the bathroom now. I am stuck as to what color to paint it. I am having a mental block. This is our only "guest" bathroom so it can't be manly. I am looking for inspiration. I have a huge long wall across from the tub. It is a very long bathroom. I think it would be the perfect place for a mural of course. But I am poor now and cannot afford one. I may just stick it out & wait for the mural. But what would the mural be. Nature, a waterfall? The ceiling is 9 feet. We could fit a waterfall on that. I don't know how to paint murals, I really want one now. It's hard to be poor.
I am stressing. I am trying not to but I am stressing. Why is it so hard to not stress? Ephesians says not to have anxiety,to pray & present your requests before the Lord and the peace of Jesus will rest on us. The Bible tells us of Jehova Jira, Jehova Nessi, Johova Shalom... God our provider, God our healer, our God of peace, the God of many things. Speak light into your darkness, God's promises are yes & amen. We are struck down but not destroyed, I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure & His joy's going to be my strength. The Bible also shows us that God does not like complainers. Look at how mad God was at the Isrealites in the desert for all their complaining. He was really really mad at all their complaining. Great!!! I have become a negative complainer, so does that mean God could be mad at me? I don't want to be that way, I have asked God repeatedly to mold me and help me to change. I have prayed so many many times to help me rid myself of this stress & anxiety. He has helped me. I do know that. He is helping me. This is a daily struggle for me. I really want Him to HEAL me of my negativity. I believe I do not know how to de-stress. I need His help,in a big way. I was really wowed today in studying prayer when it took me to Numbers 11 where we find the Israelites complaing in the desert. They wanted to eat meat. They were tired of eating manna. They wanted meat. Now, I am a reasonable person & I always try to insert myself into these Bible stories to see what I might have thought, felt, etc. Now I can certainly understand how they could have been tired of eating manna. We are poor now & have been eating a lot of cheap meals. Costco has cheap cheap ground beef. A staple meal lately has been cooked ground beef seasoned with taco seasoning. We take nachos ( We like the Scoops ones ), put the ground beef on top & sprinkle liberally with Mexican blend cheese and nuke it for 45 seconds. I feed 8 people for $10 to $12. I have a big family. We eat so much ground beef as it is the cheapest that my family is sick of ground beef. We eat a lot of breakfast for dinner meals too. Way cheap. Anyway, they are sick of it. Imagine if we ate ground beef everyday for every meal. They would be complaining up a storm. So were the Isreaelites. Now of course, they should have seen what God was trying to do for them. He was delivering them for pete's sake. But they could not see past their immediate circumstances like most of us & they wanted meat. They were riled up & beating Moses up about their wanting some meat. Moses of course goes to God and asks him what he did to deserve this. Kill me now or rescue me. Moses speaks so boldly and a little harshly I may say that I was a little frightened for Moses. Why I don't know, I've read this story & I know God doesn't come down & spank Moses for talking to him that way. But every time I read about Moses praying to God because the Isrealites are up in arms about something he speaks quite harshly to God sometimes. Put up or shut up God so to speak. You did this to me so now fix it. I think it is quite telling about God's character that He lets Moses get his frustrations out in such a way without disciplining him. So, Moses tells God they want meat and they are way mad about the manna situation. So what does God do. He sends tons of quail. They have enough meat to be sick to death of meat. Then he sends a plague. The Bible says that Moses could hear the wailing from every family at the entrance of his tent. Then it says the Lord became exceedingly angry. Not just angry but exceedingly angry. Can you imaging making God exceedingly angry. That is sooooo bad. Their complaining made him ticked off. He gave them manna, he saved them & was bringing them to the promise land & all they cared about was variety in their diet at that moment. But while the meat was still between their teeth He killed them. Then the people who craved other food were buried. I have become a big complainer. I can admit that. It scared me to read this. I also know my anger & bitterness grieves the Holy Spirit within me because the Bible tells me so. So I am grieving the Holy Spirit & possibly really ticking off God with my complaining. The thing is that I can identify it & I am trying to change. It is really hard to be positive when you can't pay your bills. I can't pay them personally and paying my business bills is really really difficult. In order to pay my credit card bills for the business I will have to do more in sales in 5 days than I have been able to do since I opened up. Practically impossible. It will take an act of God for me to pay the bills due on the 15th. Before I could just barely pay the store's bills. Then God gave me a revalation to be happy & trust in him before he helps me. Not just when he saves me and gives me a huge day to pay the bills as He as always done in the past. So I have been obedient as much as I can. I slipped up a couple of times this week, I just got really depressed as the baby has been especially whiny & the kids are fighting so bad. So anyway, I was really positive all last week since that revelation God gave me. Then last week was the worst week in sales I have had since I opened. What???? God told me to be positive and have faith. I did, I was pretty happy all week just trusting in Hin and knowing it would be okay. Then I have the worst week in sales ever. Plus, I lost the remote control that turns on my open sign so I have no way to have a flashy open sign. Just the sign on the door. Everyone seems to have left town and my shopping center is deserted. My sales are practically nonexistant. What am I going to do? In the natural I am screwed. Only God can help me pay my bills. Only God can bring in enough customers to save me. What a time for me to be focusing on becoming a more positive person. I must become more positive. I am just so tired of struggling. I just want to be happy so bad. I just want to be happy. I am not asking for the world. It's ridiculous that I can't seem to accomplish happiness. I know what it is like to watch your baby laying in a hospital bed dying, I have held a lifeless baby in my arms. It's the worst thing you can imagine, it's the worst thing in the world you can hold. God took my dead baby and let her be brought back to me on more than one occassion. Can you imagine holding your baby dead in your arms? He gave her back to me, everything else should be a piece of cake right? What is the matter with me? This is why I ask God for healing, I'm not mentally ill or anything but I just can't do it on my own. The stress of a business beginning to fail & it hasn't paid me in almost 7 months, the stress of the hubby continuously getting laid off & unable to find work regularly is killing me. I just can't take anymore stress. I see all the promises in the Bible & yet people name it and claim it & never obtain it. They blab it and can't grab it. I am confused. My daughter & I prayed the prayer of agreement yesterday. We agreed in prayer that God would show us where the remote for the open sign was & that business would increase & meet our needs from the moment we finish praying. The bible shows us the only place in God's written word that you can receive a commanded blessing is during the prayer of agreement. We didn't find the remote & business is still horrible. Sometimes I pray & receive an immediate answer & sometimes nothing. I don't understand these things. I am studying prayer now. I am very confused. I wish God would heal me of my anxiety. I just want to be happy. I need more customers and I need my hubby to get more construction jobs. #@#@#@. I can't believe my most difficult thing to get over is my inability to be content & happy.


The Nester said...

come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find REST for your soul...

I know you've heard it 1000 + times. I also know what it feels like to need rest, to crave rest and to believe that in the crisis that I am currently in that rest is the very last thing that i should be doing. it goes against everything we Americans have been taught. And really, what is that REST that He promises? How does that look in MY life?

I think God uses whatever He needs to use to bring us to the end of ourselves.

I have been to the point where I stopped asking God to help me and told Him that I gave up and that He would just have to do it.

you know what, that was exactly where He wanted me!

My strength is made perfect in weekness. 2 Corth 12:6

Heart you girl! I love how real you are--I can so relate!

Still Learning said...

Thank you Nester!! You are an enouragement as usual.