Friday, August 8, 2008
Last night was my first night at the Ladies Only aerobics classes at my church. We did Hip Hop abs, buns, thighs & legs. Very intense. I am very sore today so that must mean that it did some good. I was panting like a dog, all of us were. It was really great & nice to spend some time around some friendly ladies. The one lady who was in the choir with me who kept making the "fat comments" to me was there. I really struggle with not liking her as her son picks on my son too. Her husband tried to steal my husband's baseball team that he coaches away from him too. Long history there. So of course she was the only person there who did not need to lose weight. I know her well enough to know that she was there to get fit & have some adult girl time. She has zero weight to lose. But OF COURSE she was the only one making loud comments about all the fat on her body. She kept saying oh, we're doing hip hop abs, I've got flabby abs. Pinching herself & stuff to point out how horrendous her fat was. I have come to the conclusion she is either blind as a bat or extremely cruel. Why does she do that? 3 of us have 50 plus pounds to lose & who does she come up to? Us 3 with the most weight to lose & begins to describe how fat she is & her flabby abs & how gross it is. Well, if she is gross & is a size 3 what does that say about us? What is she trying to tell us? 2 of them got annoyed and walked away, I just sat there & took it like an idiot. Moron. Between listening to that from her for weeks & the hurtful comments from a couple of others in one week is it no wonder I left my church? I am more mature in Christ now & I will not let that happen again. I will try to ignore her more next Monday but she sure does make it hard not to harbor anger,hate & unforgiveness. I am going to take the positive side of it & say she will make me stronger.
My hubby's business is doing well. Thank you Lord. The bills are getting paid.
So I have decided that I am better off being a loner again. I don't maintain friends well. I think I have too many problems & let's face it Jenn, nobody wants to hear it. Atleast not for long. I can't take the sting of the rejection. I have enough hurt in my life. I am better off alone, I can't be all fake & pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe that's why people with depression kill themselves, nobody really cares about anybody. If someone has to listen to your problems for longer than a week or two they get frustrated with you & don't want to talk to you anymore. It stings. I feel healed from my depression now, I feel like I am being set free but it has been a hard year long struggle. I am still in a mess but it is getting better. Does anybody care? Not really. In a far off way they do, I know people care about me & want me to be better. They just don't want to hear about it. I can FULLY understand it. I really do, people have their own lives to deal with. But mine is so turbulent right now & I am working on so many things spiritually, mentally & financially that it is just all consuming for me. I am literally fighting for my life & people want that life to be better I know. I am just better off alone. I abhor the thought that people dread to see me coming or hear from me or heaven forbid dread coming to visit my blog if someone found it because they know it's not full of pretty decorated rooms & thrills. I do love those blogs because they cheer me up too. I am working too hard on myself to pretend all is pretty because it's not & I want it to be as pretty on the inside as it can be. I am seeking so many things, none of my "friends" wants to talk about God for more than five minutes so what do I have to talk about with anybody? Nothing. Yeah, I am better off a loner. My hubby is a social butterfly. People also get aggrivated with me because I will bring up things that I am working on or am concerned about in my life or business & because they do these things too or maybe feel a conviction they get angry & don't want to talk to me. Fine. That is why I wrote the poem about the little tree. I am the little tree. The ending is what I like to see my life is like. I can't imaging God could have made me this way, to always be alone if it was not for a purpose. I have asked God to change me many many times. To make me be more likeable to people, I want so badly to have lots of friends & join in on the fun. But it never happens as much as I try, I am always alone. Always left out. I am used to it. But I still think that if I have asked him to help me change & he hasn't then I must be this way for a purpose. So I am waiting for the day to come, like my little tree in the poem. I like to write poetry, it is freeing.
Okay, I am going to work now, alone of course. All day alone in the store. When I get home everyone will scatter & the hubby will go straight to his other wife a.k.a. the computer. I will spend another evening alone with the baby making me crazy. Sigh. Ha ha, see Jenn, that last couple of sentences is why nobody wants to be around you, dumb girl.