Wednesday, December 31, 2008

My Mom

Mom on Christmas morning. She has been doing so poorly since she got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago. She is on a rapid train ride to death's door. Which really infuriates me because my mom has spent the majority of her life trying to make other people's lives better. My mom has spent more money taking care of people's needs and not only that.... but buying them things to pamper them just to make them feel special on top of it all. She has loved, taken in children, mentored & done more than most of us put together. If anyone is deserving of not having to suffer, it is my mom. So I am highly irritated that she is having to suffer. She has been suffering badly now for at least 5 years & it has just steadily gotten worse. Her doctor says she can't believe mom is even still alive. I feel guilty she is suffering though. Can I share why?

In 1994 my mom had a heart attack caused by a negligent doctor. In the ambulance she died but was brought back by paramedics. During her "death" she remembers lifting out of her body & watching the paramedics work on her. She said she felt great out of her body, no more pain & she felt wonderful & peaceful. She said eventually she was drawn up, like a pulling in her belly towards what she assumes was space but she was surrounded by lots of other people who radiated white light. She couldn't really see them but she could see their light & she just knew it was others ascending to Heaven. She said it was very very dark except for the others. She said there was the great light at the end of the darkness like you hear about and she wanted to go to it. She said when she was almost there she saw an image of me in her mind & she could see me smiling. At that time I was a single parent struggling to make it. She said she knew then that she could not die, she had to help take care of me. My mom is my best friend. So she tried turning around to go back to earth. She fought and fought, she struggled to turn back. At some point in the struggle she was communicating with I'm guessing God? She told whomever that she could not die, to please let her go back. She had to take care of me. She said she would return when I was happy & settled but please let her go back. A telepathic conversation ensues with mom pleading to let her return to take care of me. It is agreed that she can come back. She rapidly returns to her body. Which she let us know was a horrible experience coming back into her heavy & unhealthy pain filled body. So ever since the heart attack her life has been a real struggle. Mostly the last five years have been filled with pain, surgeries & trauma. She is never ever comfortable. I can't take watching it anymore because it's all because of me.

I just don't understand how this can happen to her. She could have stayed happy as can be in Heaven & she chose to come back & take care of her daughter. How selfless is that? Why should she have to suffer? I don't want my children's memory of their mimi being a tired & sick old lady who smelled of Vicks Vapo Rub. She can't hardly breath and the vaporizer is going 24/7 & she leans over the couch & sticks her head right in the steam. The smell of it makes me gag, it smells like death to me now. She can't do the stairs anymore so we have to go down there to visit. Their house is not child proofed so I can't be down there with Braxy for longer than five minutes or he will have something deadly in his hands. Needles, medication, knives, pins, they love to leave these things lying all over the place. So it's hard for me to go down to her, plus, all she does anymore is sleep. Is that the kidney's? Why is she sleeping constantly? She sleeps like 8 or 9 hours is awake for 2 and sleeps for 8 or 9 again. I can't stand for her to be down there all alone with no one to talk to. I try to go down but my Dad keeps coming out when I do and I am not acknowledging his existence still ( I know, shame on me!) and I'm having a hard time with that. I think he can't wait for her to die so he can run around with some tall brunette whore with big boobs. He always seems to have one around, if that's his type why did he marry a short, blond non whore? Anyway, my prayer for mom is to just please take her quickly or heal her. But please, Lord, no more suffering. So much of her life was spent taking care of others..... please honor that in her death. I hate it that at the end, there is strife between us. She has never been catty or snide, never one to make hurtful comments. Why now is my mom saying things to drive a wedge between us? Old age? Probably. I don't get angry with her much, I try not to. She would just die inside if she realized what she is saying sometimes. I think she needs to go to the doctor so I will bring it up today & she will be too weak to know what I am saying. My dad will get angry and not want to do it because it means leaving his computer which he sits in front of 20 hours a day. Yes, he needs it during the stock market to work but he can use wi fi at the hospital. He also doesn't want to spend the money for all the bills, which I can say, I fully understand. But, in light of beastly human suffering, dude, mom needs to go back in. My mom likes humor so I keep telling her I'm gonna drive her up to Oregon because it's legal to euthanize humans there. She laughs about it. So when she goes, I will flip out. I want them to go ahead and pick out the casket & stuff. No way can I handle that. I think my mom is looking forward to dying in a way, she is very practical about it. Of course I don't want her to go pick out the casket & stuff, but I did try to get my parents to do it about 4 years ago. I think pre planned funerals are one of the most kind things a person can do. What a horrible trip to make, going to pick out a casket & talk money while your mom is laying dead in the other room. Yuk.

Look at the poor thing. She can barely keep her eyes open at this point, she was trying hard. Right after presents she slept for hours. My mom is kinda funny though, you can never count her out. She may just come back and surprise us!! This time though, I think maybe not.

My mom, the coolest person you could ever know!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing can change that though.

1 comment:

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this horrible time. I read your post about your dad and And to have it occurring 24/7 in your own home. No platitudes here...No "God is in control" (I mean, we know He is, but that doesn't help)...just know that someone in Texas is praying for YOU. It's not fair at all about your mom...I don't understand why things like that happen to incredibly good people. I'm praying that things turn around for you and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I totally know how you feel...I obviously don't have the exact same situation, but I definitely know the excruciating pain of continued bad things happening, and wondering why.