Sick kids, dumb broads and birthdays

Isn't he cute?

It's like 4:30am & I'm up. I put my sick Braxy to sleep around 10pm but I woke up at 1am with a sick feeling in my stomach, I felt that horrible feeling in my stomach that you feel right after someone has just told you something devastating & your body starts to go into shock. You know & you get the little tingles so I am figuring that it's my nerves & I'm having a mini panic attack. How can you have a panic attack in your sleep? So I checked on Braxy & he was burning up. Put him in the tub. Hubby was still up watching TV..... his nerves keep him up. Guess we're not as spiritual as we thought but I'm not gonna kick myself, we've been through Hell, we're entitled to freak a little. So we both give Braxy a bath, get him back into bed. I'm still up. Hubby's snoring in the bedroom. I had a fun moment with Braxton though because he is never still & lets me hold him for more than a second. He woke up crying about 15 minutes ago & he was covered in sweat. Took of his pants, left him only in a diaper. He was hurting I could tell so I laid him in the bed and rubbed his head. He would never let me do that if he felt good. I looked over at him and he had the biggest smile ever on his face. Man, that head rub sure must have felt good. So I rubbed his back & his head & he is back to sleep. In my spot in the bed. Stinker.

Work today was tough. Rained all day, I was expecting to do at least what we did last Saturday, hoping for more. We did half of what we did last Saturday. What the fluff? The other gift store was packed my hubby said. They are gift only, no home decor stuff. I have home decor and gift. They are bigger than me & I don't expect to do what they do but I should have been busy. I was bored. I did $300 for the day. So sad. I trust God, I still have faith, I didn't freak out about it but I sure was like...... God, what are you doing to me? You have definitely been moving in my life in many ways, especially the store. So what is this all about? It's hard to be so up and down. I never know from one day to the next how much we will do. The ladies across the street are not nice, I am always nice to my customers. I went to another gift store to get something I don't carry but my son wanted for his sister. Not too far away & it was beautiful inside but the two ladies were kinda pushy. Especially one of them, I told them I had the store about 5 minutes away but I was there for the one thing and she is trying to sell me a bunch of stuff. Pushy, I'm thinking, how are they busy and I'm not. It was really irritating & my son said to me as we were leaving that they were pushy. They had shoppers, cars going in and out. Ho hum. I'm not going to go where my mind wants to go. The whole is God going to help me or not thing..... if he's for me why doesn't he fill up my store too & help me catch up on rent. Landlord already said I have to be caught up by the end of the year. I need thousands more. $300 on the Saturday before Christmas ain't payin no rent. But, I haven't let myself really think through all that. I'm doin my best to keep my joy. I have had a taste of it again & I liked it. Nice to smile again. I just want it to be over, caught up on bills & finish out my lease. This is too much stress for me, I'd get out but I'd have to pay all of my lease for 2 and a half years still. I am just telling myself that I know God is with me, He sees. A small part of me says, doesn't He see what this is doing to me? Please help me. A rich lady came in today to collect some money, I sell some of her stuff. She does some cute stuff as a hobby...... She lives in an exclusive neighborhood down the road. She kills me, she's all concerned for me because the entire shopping center parking lot is practically empty & we have a major grocery store in this center. She is asking if I'm going to make it or not, she was genuinely concerned I could tell. So she walks the whole store twice and points out tons of stuff she loves and oohs and ahhs. She could drop a load in there and it probably wouldn't dent the checkbook. She didn't buy a thing and I'm like..... what the heck? I thought it was pretty insensitive of her to ask about my store's financial welfare and express concern and say she loves so much in the store and wants all these things all the while we both know she's loaded and then not even buy anything to actually "support" the store. Why did you even ask? I wanted to take all of her signs and throw them at her as she walked out the door and yell dumb broad. Was that mean of me? Frickin ask, tell me you want a bizillion things leave with nothing and drive your outrageous expensive car back to your palace. Dumb broad, that's like going to a funeral & asking the family how they're doing, listen to them say how hard it is for them right now and them proceed to tell the family how great your life is. You know, as much as I could enjoy dissing men sometimes, a man would never do that. A man would have bought something or he never would have asked to begin with. A man would never ask if he suspected you were hurting for business if he had no intentions of doing anything about it if your answer was yes, you are hurting. Men have little codes of conduct like that, women sometimes are just little nosy witches.

It's five am now..... I'm nowhere close to sleeping. Today is my birthday too. I should be saying tomorrow because I should be sleeping and then waking up and it would be today but since I'm up and it's after midnight, well, it's today. I'm 39 today. I have a goal to be thin again by 40. I really don't want to still weigh this much in a year. We'll see how much the family lets me get to the gym. Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do for my b day. I have no clue. I don't want to spend money. I hate going out to eat on my birthday because it's four days before Christmas so all the restaurants are packed and we have a titanic sized family so we wait for like an hour. With a baby????? Not fun. They all want to go out to eat. I have my out this year because Braxy is sick and you can't make a sick fevered 2 year old go out to dinner. YES!! Which means cooking. Is hubby going to cook?? I'm not cooking. I know they didn't buy me anything. At least my hubby. I accidentally saw an email 2 days ago on this home computer that was from my mom to hubby and it said "Do you have time to print the pictures for the box? Jennifer's birthday is Sunday. So I guess my mom has put together some kind of box with photos??? I was sad when I saw it. I hope they don't have any pictures of me, I hate every picture of me. I hate my chin. It's hard to spend your life thin and then be fat and see yourself. I've been fat for nine years now. Since I had Amber. Hate it. If my family would let me I would be at the gym every day. I tried it about a year and a half ago. I was adamant about it, I didn't ask.... I just went. But I suffered for it and it just wasn't worth the arguing or the agony of trying to get someone to watch Braxy. They keep asking what I want..... I want to stay in my jammies all day, watch romantic comedies all day in my bed and have take out for every meal. I want a Starbucks cafe mocha on the hour every hour with a rich decadent chocolate dessert somewhere in the mix. And for birthday cake??? A gorgeous strawberry cake.... you know the layer of yellow cake then strawberries in the strawberry gel with the whipped cream then more cake on top with more strawberries and whipped cream topping with chocolate drizzles and the filling that they use in the Boston cream pastries? I can't remember what that cake is called. But it's twenty something dollars at Publix. And I want some great coffee in the am and with my cake. As I typed this I just remembered that I am out of my Cremora Sugar Free Hazelnut creamer so now I am highly agitated that I cannot have ANY coffee. MY two cups of coffee are a necessity, I CAN"T not have that coffee, especially after being up ALL NIGHT LONG.... Fligger floggen!!!