Life Goes On

Life goes on. I am coming back now & again not because I want to but because I feel guilty. God told me to start this blog to show how he brings me through this & for others to see who are severely depressed & in turmoil to know how He pulled me through what I have to go through. Sigh. I think though that I might have something positive to say today.

So yesterday while I was driving to get my teenage daughter from football practice. (Yes, football... she is playing powder puff for her high school.) Soooo... I was thinking about a blog I had been reading earlier in the day. She was very excited by something God had shown her. It wasn't a "HUGE" monumental spiritual breakthrough, it wasn't a rescue from trouble, it wasn't Him revealing His will for her life. It was a pretty simple thing God showed her. By some standards some might say it was a small thing.... but I know from reading her blog that it wasn't small to her & it was life impacting on her. She also even though it may be a small matter was just so happy that God would show her this "thing". So I was thinking about it & I was thinking about how sweet she seems & so in love with the Lord. I was thinking about how much I would love to put these hard times behind me & of course not have her life but have the sweet love of Jesus & God with me like she does. To let it shine like she does. I was thinking about her & wondering why God would reveal that to her.... it seems small. But then I had a revelation ( I just love those) .... it was like God just interrupted my thoughts & he said "Because I care about every single part of your life, nothing is unimportant.". He just loves her so much & saw a part of her life being neglected & He showed it to her before that small thing became a big thing. He wants her whole life blessed. Nothing is too unimportant about us to God. It made me smile & I was really happy for her. I just love when God shows us things. It is so personal... so one on one... it's so special. I don't care what it's about.... it's God talking to you. That's huge. It also made me feel special that somewhere God must have been thinking about me & hearing my thoughts to give me that revelation. So HURRAY!! I am still on God's radar. Did you ever know somebody who had it all & then a few years later you saw them & said... what happened to her. Yeah, well, that's me... for now. I do know that again someone who sees me now will see me again later on and say.... wow, what happened to her... but the next time it will be because I am shining with joy & letting God's love pour out of me. I was praying this morning... I was thinking about that lady again.... so I was also thinking about yesterday when in Bible study I was reading Jesus say that we are to love others as he has loved us & whatever we pray in Jesus name it will be done. Jesus says we are also to pray in accordance with the will of the Father. Sooo... thinking about these two things I knew how I want my manor of behavior to be & I prayed to Jesus in His name to help to transform me so that I live each day of my life loving others as he has loved me. I told him that request must surely be in accordance with the Father so I was counting on Him to help me to do just that. I cannot believe how financial turmoil & stress can literally "suck the life out of you". It sucks all of the life from us. Even our spiritual life can become lacking, or consumed with pleas to God to rescue us from our finances. Money is the root of all evil for many reasons. Can't even get a representative in Congress to do a good job because of money... they're busy serving who gives them the money. $$$ we need it though, I have to find my way through this but this has been crushing to my spirit.. I think of David's psalms & about his language. My soul thirsts for you oh Lord. My soul cries out to God. Here is a man in anguish crying out. Right now my soul thirsts for God. I keep feeling suddenly like I am bad & not worthy of being used by God. I know this language is not of God so I am thinking that is the old lying devil whispering in my ear. I hate him. The devil must not be able to look into the future or he would know he is wasting his time with me. My worship is not up for sale, my heart belongs to God. So I am praying still, still studying, still horribly confused... although I must say I am happy to be having a lovely day of sales today & yesterday. I am still praying for the ladies whose blogs I love even though I don't travel blog world anymore. I go to 2 everyday... I am spiritually fed in these 2 places & I still feel like I need that. But I of course pray for bunches of ladies who have great blogs I love. Just can't go there anymore. I need to repair a little bit more of myself.
Ta ta for now. - Tigger

The Mercy Seat

I'm Running.

The Silent Treatment

I sold this today. I was happy, I love this frame. I still have one left.

I am pretty sure I am going to go out of business. I barely squeaked out another month but September has been my worst month of business since I have opened. I will have only done half of what it takes just to pay the bills. Of course Sept. isn't over yet but practically. I have begged God for miracles concerning the store & nothing so I don't know what to think. As usual, I was so optimistic this morning. I for some reason felt very optimistic about the day & store business. Then of course as usual on the days when I am feeling the most positive in the mornings I always have the WORST days in sales. This is now today officially my worst Saturday in sales EVER. I haven't even broke the $100 mark for today. The tanning salon next to me is going out of business. Her last day is the last of Sept. She is sick, I am sick for her. Plus her husband just got laid off & of course the landlord wants their settlement of the remaining rent. Somewhere over $20,000 they want. Bloodsuckers. They will want more from me. Ain't got it. I have even begged God to sustain my store up until the point that my lease does not hold me financially responsible anymore. 1 year & 3 months I am obligated to still pay. I have begged. I have asked as his daughter, a co-heir with Christ too. Approaching the throne both ways has not yielded any response. So, God does not want to keep me here, okay. I sure hope he has a plan for me to pay the tens of thousands of dollars I will be sued for.

I came back for a little update.... I know from some emails that a couple of people still check on me. Very kind of you. I am however still angry & can't come here anymore ranting because I have almost nothing positive to say. I know I am really bad off now because I find myself thanking God everyday that me & my family are alive & healthy & have shelter, food & clothing. I am thanking Him that I can walk & such and am not fighting off a horrible disease. Now this sounds perfectly reasonable but how many people thank God every day for these basic things? It's all I have left. It's funny in a way, I'm down to just thanking God that I can walk & I'm alive & my family is alive. I usually laugh when I am praying this, I think that's okay, God obviously has a sense of humor. My friend is closing her gift store too. Her last day of being open is the end of Sept. too. But it's not so horrible for her because she does not owe a landlord any money & she does not need another job. But slowly but surely all of us are going to be closing. Then when the economy gets better I hope I am not around to hear someone say ... " hey maude, what happened to that widget store that used to be there? I always liked shopping there."... I may just barf. I keep telling people, if there is a place you really really like, go there & support them otherwise they will probably be closed if they are a small business. Even our local Supercuts will be closing soon. Then everyone will complain how much they loved Supercuts & how could it have closed? They will say the same thing about my store. But I will be gone probably. My big plan was a miracle from God. Does that make me stupid? Some, okay lots of people would say yes. I say no. God is able to do anything he wants to. He hears our prayers & orchestrates wonderful clearance buys for us for "just what we needed" but couldn't afford or little chance encounters with someone who makes our day. Why shouldn't my "big plan" be for God to take over? Well it was... I guess it just wasn't in His plan.

I don't know what I am bitter about with God. Is is that I have always been such a "good girl" & I feel like the least He could do is honor that I have been such a goody goody & tried to lead people to Him & give me this miracle of a successful business? Do I regret my straightlaced lifestyle? No. Definitely No. I don't think I would have been happy doing drugs, smoking or sleeping around. So did I do not do those things for God or for me? Well, I guess both. I always wanted God to be pleased with me so I didn't do them. God didn't tell me to quit my $65,000 a year job to stay at home for a year with a newborn baby & then open a business a year before the economy fell apart. Yes, I did pray about the business & I got nothing negative from God about not doing it. So am I bitter about that? I don't know. I really don't. I prayed about it, he didn't say don't do it Jen. Am I bitter that I want so badly to be happy & have all my stress go away but God won't help me? Maybe yes. He could transform me. I am willing to work at it with Him. I'm not a lazy Christian. I'm not waiting for a cloud to appear & suddenly I am changed. I'm not stupid. Am I bitter that I pray & pray & nothing? I hear nothing. Nothing happens. Yes, I think I am. A relationship isn't one sided. Even if I have made a friend mad, I can apologize & make it right the best I can & she forgives me & talks to me again. So I don't know what I have done to make God upset with me other than leaving Church for a couple of years but I have been back for 9 months now, maybe longer & I have repented the best I know how... Is that it still? Why can someone pray & pray & nothing happen in response. I am not even just talking about money either. My husband told me last night about a lady he knows, he saw her & she was telling him all about how God was moving in her life & answering her prayers left & right & what a wonderful time it was for her. He told her about me & how none of my prayers were being answered & I felt alone & apart from God. Isn't that funny? I was glad for her because I know how awesome it feels when you know God is so intimately at work in your life. It is so special, there is nothing like it. Never can be. So am I bitter because maybe I have used up all my chances with God? Oh yeah, I'm getting in but maybe I'm just not on his radar anymore. Maybe he's just done with me. Has God ever been done with someone? Sure he has, read the Old Testament. Full of examples where He said you're done. Am I done? What have I done? Which goes back to the bitterness. I have lead such a squeaky clean life it's almost made up. It's laughable how little worldy wrongs I have committed. How can he be done with me? I have volunteered at Church, I have sang in the choir, I have helped poor people. I have done a lot & I mean a lot for my community & past ones I have lived in. Sheesh, I used to organize coat drives in Miami for the homeless. Like I said, I'm not a lazy Christian. I am an activest by nature. I try to listen, if God says go I go. If he says don't I don't. How can He be done with me? If he even is. Who knows. Am I bitter because I think I am a very nice lady & a great mom & a frustrated wife who has done her best to be a good person & help everyone she could & love God all she could & all that it implies & I don't think I deserve what me & my family are going through. Well, yes I guess. If I am honest. Yes. I guess that's it. I guess I feel like I don't deserve this much suffering & stress & I feel like God should help me & he's not. Okay, I said it. Am I horrible? He knows what I am thinking anyway, why lie. (eyes rolling)
I don't deserve this. Has my obedience & my love been for nothing? I can endure what I will have to but to have the silent treatment too!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm bitter about that too. I am frustrated. If you want to do what is right & you try daily & you seek God & his will shouldn't you be able to find it??????? HUH???? I'm fighting for my life & getting the silent treatment. Meanwhile people around me are squealing with delight because God is involved in theirs. Great.... I am glad for them but it just confirms that God is obviously not on vacation in Jamaica & my prayers are being left on his prayermail. Does he just hit delete when he hears me? Ha ha.
Well, I guess I am going to go now. Time to close.
I may just barf on my way out the door.

Nothing

I don't know why I came back today. I guess I just felt like it. I am still taking a break from blogging. I don't know when I will be back again. Nothing much has happened for me. I have prayed so much, I have asked God to change me, to reveal anything I have done to hinder anything He wants to do in me & I get nothing. Is that what my life is, nothing. I have gone up and down in my prayer life. Then as I was re reading Grace Walk today I went boldly before the throne. I also prayed to God this morning a prayer for the store. I asked Him for some mercy.... I am not hearing anything of what he wants to do in my life. So I needed to do a certain amount today & I said.. God, I ask not to test you or ask for a sign, I ask because you are not answering me or I cannot hear or see your answer. So I ask for this exact amount that I need today.... if it comes in then I will know your will for me is to be in this store. I need it badly to pay the rent. I have to have it today. If he is talking but I have lost my discernment as to the voice of God... then I cannot surely mistake him bringing in a great day of sales & saving the store & saving me from being sued for tens of thousands of dollars from my landlord. So.... I guess He has answered me. This is the slowest Saturday that I have ever had. It is 3:05 pm and only 5 people have been in my store & only one bought something for $25. I should be in the hundreds by now. I have never had this few people & so little in sales at 3pm on a Saturday ever. Even when we had storms on March 15 & tornadoes & hail & we had to close 3 hours after we opened... even on horrible day like that I did $150 in sales in 3 hours. It is a beautiful day outside & I have $25 in. I asked for increase, I asked God to please bless me, I believed him for the remainder of the rent payment. It never occurred to me that he could send me a message the other way.... to decrease sales & customers. So I prayed a specific request because & only because I really feel like I can't hear God anymore or He just isn't talking to me. I needed something concrete & specific so I prayed for an exact dollar amount needed. So now I don't know what this means..... Empty store on a Saturday. Is that God? See, I am just so sick of it all. I can't hear anything, so I pray for increase & I get decrease. What does that mean? Is that God? Now I am still confused. Why does everything always have to be so stinking hard for me? I know a lot of people, I know a lot of people who have a heart for God. But I don't think I have ever known anyone like myself who wanted so badly to live a life for God but just couldn't grab onto it. I fail at everything. Even at my bottom... Even when I am crying out in desperation for Jesus to come & do a work in me..... nothing. My life seems like one huge contradiction to the Bible & yet I believe what is in the Word. I know it is all true. And yet nothing. I can feel myself becoming more angry. I am fighting it off but it just bangs on my heart to let it in & take residence. It would be so easy to just give up & live in my misery. I want to shake my fist at God & yell at him & cry. I also want to bow at his feet & love him & praise him & thank him for how awesome & wonderful He is because I know He is. And yet nothing. I must really be a pile of dog poop to be left in this state. I really hate myself. I know we aren't supposed to feel that way but I do. I hate so much. I think I am filled with hate. It is ugly. I beg God to help me be rid of it so I can again be a happy & loving person. Nothing. I got mad at God earlier & told him He can't get rid of me. I am not going to stop praying or studying the Bible everyday. I may be repulsive to Him but too freaking bad, I refuse to quit trying to get to His throne. I will find the Mercy Seat someday. I am going to be like the woman who would not stop coming to the Judge to ask for justice. One day God is going to have to look down on me & at least see that I didn't quit. That may be the only testimony I have left to give..... I won't give up. It doesn't seem to count for much but it's all I've got.