Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Ha Ha Ha

That's what I hear. Ha ha ha. The jokes on me.
I don't know why I was stupid enough to think that after the end of November and the first of December all the things that happened and God was definitely moving in my life and things had so drastically improved. I don't know why I had just stupidly assumed that it meant that me and my family were coming out of a long and terrible stressful season. I had been praying so long for a season of hope and joy. I had prayed and prayed for a time of things just being okay, you know, like other people have. Every day problems yes, but for the most part everything is okay. Ha ha ha. You know the funny thing is that when I went to make my post yesterday in early afternoon I knew something horrible was still going to happen. The entire day had been filled with stress and horror. Horror, yes. I knew it was too good to be true that it was all over. I told my husband and he just told me I was being negative again but I said, no, it's not over yet. I told him I had a feeling my mom was going to go to the hospital again. She didn't look good to me. I just knew, I knew I knew I knew that there was more torture in store for us. My life is always under attack, it never stops and on that particular day yesterday it was coming at me like white on rice. No way was it over. Of course the call came at 4:30, I was waiting for it. I helped my mom into her van for a doctor's appointment just knowing they would find something horrible and she would be back in. She just got out 2 weeks ago and she has been horrible since. I assumed it would be a lung thing as she was having a hard time breathing. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The call came at 4:30, my dad informs me that while at the doctor's office mom had a stroke. A STROKE??????????????? What the heck? Where did that come from? She already has heart disease. She already has kidney disease/kidney failure, she already has a horrible case of diabetes, should I go on? Where the flip did the stroke come from? A stroke? So I cried my way to the hospital and spent most of the night there. She is going to live, she is partially paralyzed on her left side of her body. She can wiggle toes and barely move the left leg. She can only wiggle her fingers on her left arm. She can't walk or use the arm. She will have to have physical therapy to walk and use the arm again. She has a droopy mouth on the left side but it should improve. Luckily she had the stroke on the right side of her brain so it affected the left side of her body and did not effect her speech. Can you imagine not being able to talk? Thankfully she can. I am glad she had the stroke in the doctor's office so they could rush her to the hospital. They took her to North Fulton Regional Trauma where apparently they specialize in strokes. That was a real ride too, a trauma hospital is filled with what in the emergency room? Moaning and screaming people that's what. Car wrecks, bad traumas cases. It was really hard to listen to the screaming kid as the doctors worked on him. I watched a family being told that their loved one wasn't going to make it and see them carted off to say goodbyes. Man, that was hard. Another family had the police interrogating them to see if an accident was homicide or just an accident. I was like.... get me out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am really pissed off today. I really am. What the fluff? What the hell is happening? This is why I am such a good actress. Nothing ever goes right for me and if I let anybody around me know all the poop in my life I would have nobody to talk to. So I have this blog to let it out and none of anybody who physicallyknows me knows hardly anything about me or what goes on. Everybody blabs around here, you can't trust hardly anyone. I have two ladies I can physically talk to but I know them well enough to know they would tell each other anything I said and their husbands. Even if I begged them not to tell, they would tell their husbands. Their husbands are friends with my husband and they would let something slip or say something trying to be helpful and my husband is extremely private and he would be furious with me. So everyone around here thinks my life is just so wonderful and I live in a nice big house and have everything going beautifully. Some loonies look up to me and I heartily tell them NOT to look to me for any kind of model. They look at me like I'm nuts. I guess it's because they see me at Church and I know lots of stuff. I can quote you anything. Give me a problem and I can tell you what the Bible says. What a joke!!!!!!!!!!!! If I know all this stuff how come I can't have it? Why does a quiet life elude me? I don't want to be rich, if it came to me great. I don't need expensive stuff, I just crave a simple quiet life. I drive a 2002 Dodge Caravan with roll up windows, no power anything, no cd's, only cassette, no XM radio, just the most basic you can get because I am a cheapo and don't want the debt. You know, I'm not trying to have it all and my cake too. I just want a quiet life, bills paid, and a some happiness. Is it really too much to ask? I guess so. I'm rolling my eyes. I didn't put eyeliner on today so when I randomly cry throughout the day I won't have raccoon eyes. I am going to put up my going out of business posters now. I can't wait for everyone to come in that has never come in before to tell me how horrible it is that I am going out of business. I always wanted to come in but never did. I will hear that a thousand times before it's over. I'm not mad at them, it's their money, there are a bizillion businesses I pass by every day that I will never enter into. I just don't want to hear them tell me how sorry they are and how they always wanted to come in. Just come in and buy your stuff at half off and leave. Don't rub salt in the wound please.
Anyway, enough bad stuff happened yesterday so I may be okay today. But I'm pissed off that's for sure. A freakin stroke, she's not suffering enough!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pissed pissed pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

I am SO incredibly sorry that this has happened. And I completely understand how you feel (okay, maybe not completely, but I CAN grasp it). I know the days where you don't even want to get out of bed because the emotional pain is so bad. I definitely know about how you feel you can't talk to anyone. I have a couple of good friends whom I really do love, but everytime (which, I assure you, isn't much) I try to share my trials, their response is to interrupt me and share about theirs. These are women who are having marital problems. Been there, done that. While I don't have those issues any longer, I do still have issues that I'd like to bounce off someone without paying for a counselor, which I certainly can't afford right now. It's no fun when you're continually being dumped on. And I know the platitudes that "God won't give us more than we can handle"...hmpf. I'm sure He won't, but sometimes I wish He would spread the love, ya know? I don't know what to offer you other than an e-shoulder! I know we've never met, but I can really commiserate with you, and I definitely feel for you, and while it may not seem like much, I will continue to pray for you. If we lived closer, we could go do margaritas and chick flicks...or margaritas and tequila shots...or just tequila shots. I'm not making light of your situation, please don't think that. What more do you do, though? I don't know, but keep venting. Hopefully, that will bring some relief.

I'm sorry also about the shop. That sucks. My daycare income decreased so much this past few months that I had to have my mom help with Christmas, and doncha know, in her subtle ways, I won't be able to forget that. I HATE asking for any kind of help, but sometimes I have to. It makes me feel like so much less a person, especially when the "giver" is my controlling mom, who you know, lives with me. Help.

I've just decided I can only do so much, and when I can't do any more, then someone else will have to kick in, or just do without, whatever it may be. Everyone on the other blogs that I read is talking about what a wonderful year 2009 will be...I wonder. I try to have an upbeat attitude, but I'm not feelin' it! I truly hope and pray for you and your family that it is, though. You definitely deserve it!!

Tasha Simons said...

Hang in there, Jenny. I feel so much love for you and your family. I wish it wasn't so hard and you were not suffering so much. Just know that you are LOVED by me, your friends and family, and God. That helps me feel less alone when I'm hurting. God is our constant in the midst of challenge, struggle, and strife. He is with you and it's my hope you will feel his peace and presence as you face these storms of life.