I don't know how to put into words all of what I am learning. My heart and my head are full. I sat in a hospital today waiting for my dad's eye surgery to be over & I was reading one of the books a sweet sweet lady sent me. Actually I read 2 books but one of them was really small from Kenneth Copeland. The other was Biblical Keys to Financial Prosperity.
I don't understand how I can have been saved at the age of 8. Made another decision at 11 to pray the sinners prayer and have spent my time from 6th grade on following the Lord and being as good as I could and studying to live this life right and yet...... I see now that it was empty. How can that be? I am thinking back on what I have learned from Nov 08 on to now and it is just so overwhelming. It's so much stuff!! How could I have not known how to live this stuff before?
This sweet lady who sent me the books sent me 3 Cd's also. I have listened to two of them as of today. Together with these books God is just speaking to me in my heart. I am just so shocked at the truths. I have prayed for a long time that God would give me ears to hear and eyes to see when studying the Bible. I truly believe that you can be blinded to revelation and now I can see that I have been blind. Oh oh oh....... the song amazing grace just popped into my head where it says..." was blind, but now, I see.". Oh, sweet Amazing Grace. How could I have been so blind?
How can I have been a Christian for so long and not lived in how God's word says I should live? How could I not know things and yet I knew them. How could I learn it and then forget it? How could I know it and not live it?
All this and yet I know that I have worshiped God all my life. I never did drugs or smoked or was loosey goosey because I knew it was displeasing to God. I always tried to lead people to the Lord and live an example of a loving Christian. I love to help people and would do anything to help someone, even those who are mean to me. Been there and done it. I thought I was doing it right, truly I did. I was in my 30's before I had a personal relationship with God. He met me in my van in 2003. One of the things I felt like I had to do was read the whole Bible front to back. I had never heard from God before. After that I heard from him a lot. I read it and I changed my denomination and my whole life changed. It was awesome and I thought then I was doing it "right". Wrong. Maybe for the state I was in I was doing all that I could at that time and now God is calling me to a new state of relationship with Him. Could that be?
I feel like a complete idiot. I know all the scriptures about the tongue and our words. I really do. I guess some of us just need to be in a certain place for certain teachings to sink in. What a dork, I never let it sink in that every thought I have, every single word is taken up into the air, through space and time and stops right at the Lord Almighty. That my every word is delivered to Him. Not just my prayers, no, every word. I guess I just thought that God knew all my words, thoughts and deeds because he just knows everything. He just knew. It's different to me somehow to think instead that he knows because my every thought and word are no different than my prayers that are nothing more than thoughts and words. All of it goes up to Him.
I know there is power in words, I never realized how much. I know there is a passage that says your words can be a snare to you. Lord, some of us just need to be hit in the head. I studied his word and tucked it away. After the layoff I became so negative and all I spoke was negativity. My words were a trap to me. I should have known.
The financial tie in? Well, I am learning that living in constant praise of God is key to receiving God's blessings. Speaking about God's righteousness all day long. Meditating on his word all day long. Keeping him ever present in my moment by moment activities is key. Faith is key. Wow. You mean it's not just good enough to be Christian, show up for church every week 1 to 3 times a week, be a sweet person who helps people, and basically a goody goody who loves God? Well, no. It's not. I was all those things and yet I was not speaking his righteousness all day. He was not with me moment by moment. I am describing this very badly. I am so overcome...... I just can't think straight.
I will say since I listened to that first CD that I have been keeping the Lord with me so much more than I ever have. I have been speaking aloud His word. It's so much and yet it's not. That sweet lady who gave me these books and CD's said she felt moved by God to send them to me. You know, I have a real hard time accepting things but I said yes and thank you to her. All I can say right now is that I know I will never be the same. My teen and children are going to listen to these CD's too. Truly, I can never go back to what I was before after learning about my words and thoughts which have been a prison of negativity. God sent me some beautiful ladies (starting with you Tasha, thank you!!) to break me out of that prison in person. He also sent me some friends through blog land to sustain me in a horrible time. Lord, I love you ladies who blessed me so. Breaking free from the negativity has been wonderful and I am not the same but now I really think more and more that God is taking me to a new place with him. I know he wants me to get this. I know he wants me to get rid of the lingering doubt and negativity. Why else would this kind sweet lady send me 3 Cd's on a series of Speaking The Expected End. A CD on words, what we speak, what we think, when this has been such a struggle for me to overcome. When I really think about it, it's like a miracle. Truly. What are the odds that I would meet up with a woman who is married to the man who has preached the very exact sermon that I need to hear and also has these books that will just rock my Christian walk and connect with me in all the blogs in existence we meet up in a linky party? It's no coincidence, it's totally a God thing. It's just amazing. She was obedient and she has changed my life forever. When I give some of this great stuff to hubby and the kids.... whew!!
Before I end this I just have to tell y'all how I have prayed over and over for those washing machine repair angels to come and help me out. I have molested Miss. Betsy (my washer) over and over. She is bare to the world, naked as I have taken off her top panel. Each time I went over and giggled Miss. Betsy's wires I would pray. Lord please help me, I need this washer to work. Please fix it. It never worked. Finally, I did it around 4pm today and it started. I was jumping up and down and saying "Thank you Lord" the kids were jumping up and down. Then Miss. Betsy stopped and began to flash the code for an electrical problem. I was so defeated in that moment. Then I got a little angry. I was like, Lord I know you hear my prayers and you let that washer start and then let it stop right in front of my kids like that. So I tried it again. And again. And again. Nothing. Once more it started and then stopped. Finally, after receiving news of another financial blow I went over to my washer. I prayed "Lord, I need to see you right now. I need to know you are here with me. I know you are but I need to see you. Now. Right now. I need to know we are going in the right direction and this fight is not for nothing. I just need to see you. Please. I am going to giggle these wires one more time and I believe when I stop and plug this thing back in, it will work. My heart is so low and heavy right now and I refuse to learn to be living a life of praise and live defeated. Please help me.". And with that I giggled the wires and Miss. Betsy started right up. Amen.