So far this has been a week spent studying and trying to live simply. I have spent a lot of time in prayer this week. I have been spending a lot of time speaking things that are not as though they were. I am doing my best to be self controlled and speak the positive since I have been reading about how words can be a trap or a blessing to us, learning about what the Bible says concerning words having power over our lives.
Mostly as I have been reading and studying books and the Bible it was really impressed upon me how God does relate with us as individuals. There is no blanket prayer that works for all. There is no "absolute right way" for an individual to walk out their faith. I discover once again that it is important to just have the faith in the first place. I keep going back to Beth Moore's words that wherever your mind is spewing worry, that is where you do not trust God. Faith is trust. If I am worrying about something then I am not having faith in God in that situation. That sure hit a note with me. I am so happy to have heard her speak those words. They have been life changing words for me.
I have to confess though that I am very confused about the ways of God. I was talking with a friend the other day about my husband and how wonderful it is to watch him develop a personal relationship with the Lord and change before our very eyes. Such a sight to see. She warned me that he is riding on a high and that also now that he is a threat to Satan we would come under attack. We talked about it. That is what confuses me though. Why is it that when you have a big breakthrough a great deal of the time and I mean a biggey, that almost immediately evil enters your life that is a direct opposite and threat to the big breakthrough?
For instance, when I first discovered a personal relationship with God instead of just worshiping and praying as I had done for years it was glorious!! My life would never be the same and I found a wonderful nondenominational church that my family and I were at every time the doors were open. We loved it there and looked forward to going. Almost immediately I was put under a supervisor who seemed to hate Christians. He hated me and made a point to schedule me when Church would be going on so I would never be able to go to a service. He would make fun of me over the phone on speaker with a previous boyfriend of mine who he was friends with. They would laugh about me and try to make me cry at work. It was the most awful experience and to get through it I would constantly hum songs of worship. If I thought no one was around I would lightly sing them. I just couldn't understand why after a life of worshiping him and being such a good person and then discovering this personal relationship thing, reading the entire Bible like he told me to..... I was being obedient and hearing from Him and everything was wonderful discovering a life I never knew before..... why he would then thrust me into such torment. And it was torment to be yelled at daily knowing I had done nothing wrong. He just wanted to make me cry. But I never let him make me cry and one day he just screamed at me to stop humming those stupid songs!! I hummed louder. I wasn't giving away my praise and after that he let me go to church again so I would quit humming Christian songs. It was the worst ten months ever and I was so thankful when they were over and I was promoted. But the point is, why when you have a marvelous breakthrough does so much trauma come with it?
It is truly confusing. Is it a test? Is it from Satan and not from God? Is it necessary? Can you ask for protection from this? These are questions I have and have not been able to answer.
My poor husband. I can poor me all day but oh my husband. He is such a good man, he really is. He is of a rare breed. He has desperately wanted a personal relationship with God for years but could never find it. It has bothered him for years. Now he has been reconciled to God and he has one. He is loving being in church and he is studying and reading the Bible and finally he can experience the joy of the Lord. He is growing.
He didn't find this relationship because of our financial woes. He has tried and wanted it for years. Maybe being this low brought him to a place where he could finally surrender all. But, I do know he didn't find this relationship just so he could be obedient and God would bless us again and we could have money again to pay the bills and all would be well. No, that wasn't it.
I do find it ironic though that God did indeed bless our family in every way except finances. I blogged a few weeks ago about how I realized that God has moved in our family and truly there was no prayer I could put before God concerning any troubles or need of improvement in our lives because He has come in and moved in all areas and our lives as a family were just wonderful. Normal family stuff of course, my kids still fight sometimes, we aren't perfect over here, lol. Have to wait for Heaven for that. I just thought it was odd that the money thing was still a gigantic battle. Stupid layoffs. Stupid economy.
So enters my receiving CD's and books on words and finances. These things I received are all sound teachings and very powerful. I am reading, hubby too. We are listening and for my part, I am truly trying to apply what I am learning as far as speaking the positive outcome, keeping the praises of God on my lips. Talking and speaking praises all through the day. These things I do because I should right? They are all sound and backed up by scripture. So I knew it would come. A big breakthrough brings what? A big battle. I would be a big fat liar if I said I was only doing these things because it's what I am supposed to do. YES, a part of me wants God to bless our finances again so every thing can be paid on time. I don't want riches to fall down, I just want to pay the bills and be able to get a kid's haircut if they need one. Yes, I am hoping that our obedience in tithing and doing all the things that fall in line with walking in God's will and speaking his will can bring about a blessing in this area. But instead they have worsened. Severely. Yesterday brought about new horrors. New horrors that can only leave a human being scratching their head and clawing at their face with head buried as to why the torment won't go away. Why won't the torment stop? Why do new and more horrendous things keep coming every day. When you think you have dealt with the worst that can happen and just say well, we'll just have to deal with it, the phone rings with new unimaginable horrors.
Yesterday as I was praying I just kept remembering Beth's words. Wherever your mind is spewing worry that is where you do not trust God. Lord I said, I can't do anything but trust you. I have been and my level of worry has diminished to specks instead of large all consuming gaps of time. What the heck am I doing wrong here? I am confused. For those that say just because you love God and serve him it doesn't mean nothing will go wrong and God will pay your bills. I say this, Jesus said do not worry about what you will eat or drink, your clothes or where you will sleep. God has provided these things to the things in nature, how much more will he provide to those who love him? Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and these things will be added unto you. Last I checked, Jesus was not a liar. The Bible says when Jesus died on the cross we were freed from eternal death, sin, sickness and poverty if we place our trust in Him.
I'm funny in that I believe that either the Bible is true or it isn't. There can't be a part of it is true and the other parts aren't applicable anymore. God doesn't do that anymore stuff. So, either it is or it isn't. I have my part to do. I won't do it perfectly because I'm not perfect. But, I am so openly laying out my life and our battles and before the entire Internet I say "Lord, I am putting my trust in you. I have and I continue to do so. Sometimes worry sneaks in and I am so very sorry for that. I have learned to put it away quickly. My husband has done the same. This is your battle now and the victory will bring you glory. Whatever happens, we will continue to worship you. I read today about how Jonah was really angry with you and you told him he shouldn't be and Lord I could just picture him sitting there by his withered worm eaten vine saying that he was indeed mad enough to die. He talked back to you, he was angry with you and it was not funny but it kind of was. Thank you for letting us talk to you and be honest with you. Sometimes you do make us do things we don't want to but it is always for some good. Father, I pray you do the work in us that needs to be done and that we are obedient with what you want us to do. Make our paths straight Lord. But God, I have to be honest with you. I hurt. Badly. I really would love it if you could just stop the pain for awhile please. I'm not the only one. I am confused and wounded. We have a wound that is bleeding profusely but it is not our faith that bleeds, it is our flesh. I pray Lord for a transfusion of your Holy Spirit and to fill us with more of you instead. Lord, I don't want it to end before you need it to but please. Please let it end soon. You answered some prayers last week and it actually felt uncomfortable to receive. The suffering is becoming the norm and receiving something good felt awkward instead of good. That can't be a good thing. I just pray that no matter what that you would keep us joyful in your strength. I trust You and I know You will be glorified. I will do my best not to worry today. I will be a good mother and tend to my children and work in my home today. I pray you will look down at our family today and bless us to be blessings to others. I pray for mercy and for provision and mostly to just be filled with you. Amen."