Friday, July 10, 2009

Testing Day

Hello dear friends,

As you know I have been reading a book about honoring God with our money and our faith. It also happens to teach about how God blesses you back but it's not a get rich quick book or a get rich book at all. I think perhaps yesterday was a test on what we have been learning. I honestly don't know if I passed or failed. If it were to be graded perhaps it was a C or C-.

Yesterday was beyond tough and I just kept going back to a post from Wendy Blight's blog a couple of days ago where she was talking about faith and she said Beth Moore had said that God just wants us to believe and know He is able. I just kept saying that yesterday "God, I believe you are able.". Were any of my prayers answered yesterday? No. To be honest. But I kept saying it anyway. I do believe He is able. Yesterday on the way home and I sat in the truck with Mike (barefoot because my only pair of flip flops broke after we left being lost on foot in Atlanta and it's stupid hills which put too much strain on my hand me down shoes) and I said, "Mike, I can see God around us, I can see how He has moved in our family and all of our lives. But I don't see him moving in this one area at all and we are desperate for help. Do you think God is going to help us with this?". Mike paused for a moment and he said "I don't know.". Me neither I said. And with that I just went numb.

Yesterday was another crushing blow with finances. We didn't get paid last week and we were expecting a huge check this week. Um, they said they can't pay us. That's two weeks with nothing and we were promised weekly draws. It was the only reason Mike agreed to do the two jobs. We had to tell our 2 guys we can't pay them their payroll checks too. My was that fun. How would you like to walk into work and have your boss say he can't pay you for another week. Sigh. I am beyond myself. We had to borrow my teenager's $100 she just got paid for gas money for Mike. It's all we have until next Friday. $100 and if he uses more than that in gas we are porked. He drives about an hour and a half to and from work at the moment. I don't know if we are going to make it. I have enough gas to get to the grocery store and back and then my van and I will be sitting at home for a week. No gas. Today is my son's 12th birthday and we had to tell him we could not buy him a present. He took it well. The truck broke down on us 3 times yesterday and one of the times we were blocking everyone and their mother in Marietta. Then we had court. Our ultimate humiliation as this is how low we've come.

2 years ago we lived well within our means, had tons of equity in our home, savings and hubby made a great living. Hah!! Yesterday we were in bankruptcy court and the trustee is making us come back next month and won't finish off our case. Why? She doesn't feel we can afford to stay in our home and we have to prove we can or she is making us forfeit it. I didn't know they could do that. Okay, my mom is a disabled heart/stroke patient living downstairs and we all help take care of her. The only reason we are even still in this house is because of my parents. It will be a financial killer for them to move out on their own with mom's medical bills. My dad has put so much money into the house and paid to finish the basement into an apartment for them. I feel so guilty, how can I do that to them? She is right, I can't afford to live here. But how can I do that to my parents? We owe them. It's pretty bad when the judgey lady tells you that you need to go. We asked my dad about them being able to leave yesterday and he said they'd leave if they had to but didn't want to. I'm their only kid and they have given me the world and I am about to have to toss them out into the street. Sigh. It was even more fun when a business associate of my hubby's was in court too. Are you freaking kidding me? He was there trying to get a trustee to make a person filing pay him, he wasn't filing. Total humiliation as the man stayed in the room during our hearing. I thought out of respect for their friendship and working relationship he should have left the room during our hearing and left Mike his dignity. We owe him $700 in the business and I will make sure he gets paid last. The very last for that. Jerk.

So if yesterday was a test I don't know if I passed. God really confuses me a lot of times. Mike gave a man in our church $260 dollars last week because he was crying and he was about to be evicted. He was lacking the $260 and needed it by the following morning. We don't have a lick to spare but he gave it to him because also we were supposed to get paid today. Um, not happening. Plus, there was this thing God had me do that I haven't blogged about but it involved a $50 gift card given to me that God kept speaking to me for a week that I had to give to the home that I blogged about with the pallet of wood out front asking people for help to get a job. Needless to say I wanted to make sure it was God because I could really use a $50 gift card you know? But they have it now as of Monday. So we gave money we didn't have last week because well, that's what we were led to do. I was like God, why did you have us do that knowing that by Thursday after paying parking and a court cost I would have zero dollars to my name, no birthday present for kid and have to borrow money from teenager for gas? Why? I don't get it? I'm still glad we did it. Those people are bad off like we are and I'm glad we obeyed. I just thought maybe God would honor that and find a way for a check to appear or something. Dang. Then my shoes broke.

I don't want anything from anyone though. I hate to receive, I'm more comfortable being a giver. It's very difficult for me to accept anything but I have been learning to do that lately. Still don't like it. It just amazes me how we can go from being such responsible people living in our means with no credit card debt or anything to this. What the heck? This is a look into the effects of the economy. Perfectly good and responsible families who paid their way who are now struggling just to keep the lights on and eat. Bankrupt and on food stamps. I was so happy when the food stamp card came last week. I yelled out to Mike, "Hey Mike, look!! We're finally pathetic enough to get food stamps, hurray!! We can eat now at least!!" That was a great day. I went shopping and we had a full supply. YES!!! I don't feel guilty about it anymore.

I have no idea why I humiliate myself like this and blog about it except it's cheap therapy. If I don't get it out I will fall apart. I had fun at a blog the other day where a lady who is just so supremely wonderful was blogging about a struggle that is really kinda stupid in the big scheme of things. It was so trivial that I had to laugh about it and to her it was the world. I said with a smile, thank you Lord that you have blessed this woman so much that this small thing is her big struggle. I was so happy for her. Someday I will be that woman again who blogs about something small and dumb and it is my biggest worry. Amen.

1 comment:

Mary Ellen ~ Carolina Momma said...

Jen, I wish I could just reach out and give you a big hug. Thinking about you and your family and sending prayers your way.

((hugs))

Mary Ellen