I feel bad about my last post. It was a rough day (and I miss my flip flops!) and I just needed to get it out of me. Do you know what I mean? Thank you Mary Ellen for the hug!! It made me feel better. I'm fine though, just fine. Sorry to vent like that. I feel bad that my negative post drove 2 followers away. But you know this blog is about God and Me and sometimes that means beauty and mountaintops and sometimes it means sorrows and valleys. If I am one thing it is honest, I just can't skirt around what I feel.
Sometimes we are slayed. Period. Such beauty has been found in this process my family and I have had to walk through. I have experienced things and learned much in this last year. I am so grateful!! How can I not be grateful to God for making us more like Him? I can be confused sometimes but still grateful. I read something in Wendy Blights book Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner that really struck me. We all know about what God's word says about refining. We know He refines us to break off the impurities. Wendy wrote in her book something about the refining process that I did not know about. She wrote that when the person was refining the gold that they knew they could stop the refining process when they could look into the gold and see a reflection of themselves. Oh my, God is looking to see us and see a reflection of Himself looking back. That was a good word.
I have been giving myself a hard time for being a hard nut to crack. Truly I have been. I found encouragement that Wendy was a tough nut to crack as it was 17 years for her to truly get into "that place" of peace and trust. I've only been in the trust battle for 2 years. I've learned it's okay to go at our own pace with God. We are all unique and so shall be our walks with Him. It's okay to be a tough nut to crack as long as I crack, right? This weekend especially God has shed off some more of my layers. Cleaned out some dusty corners of my heart. It felt so good.
I was reading Wendy's book "Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner" Saturday at my 17 year old's karate testing. She is a red belt by the way now!! (Her dad pays for karate so she was able to go and test) When Lexi was not on the floor I was reading and man, that book was so powerful I sometimes had to put the book down in my lap and just breathe deep breaths. It literally took my breath away. Sometimes I cried quietly in a corner. Thankfully everyone was focused on their kids and I sat in the back row in the corner for privacy. Sometimes I cried for Wendy and sometimes I cried and the pure revelation of God's truth in what she wrote. Sometimes I felt like she was speaking right to me. It felt like she knew me and had written a note just for me. She made me feel that it was okay to be me. I have lived in self condemnation that I can't be like some of my Christian friends and Christian blog friends who have that supreme peace and happiness. The Christian blogs who never speak of anything negative happening to them, I yearn for that again. I had something horrible happen to me and my faith and trust were not what I thought they were. I lost control of my mind and let it waiver. I did not stand firm. It is a shame that I let myself live with. I think God broke that off me these past few days. I feel really good.
As a sinner I have to know I will fail sometimes. God has shown me that when I do I have two choices. I can live in shame and not forgive myself or let him truly forgive me which keeps me from truly living in his rest. I can beat myself up and let myself think that I can never get it right OR I can say to the Lord that I have messed up and I repent. I can forgive myself and ask Him for forgiveness. Then I forget it and move on. If I yell at my kids I don't have to live in condemnation the entire day. I can say to them and God that I am sorry, mean it and we move on with a clear conscience. The same goes for when I stumble with my "trust walk". If I mess up, repent in prayer and to any persons if need be and then once I do I can stand in love and without blame in Christ Jesus as his word says I can. The day is not ruined. I can forget it and move on.
I did a study in my Bible's Concordance about trust. It was very good for me to do. I love to do Concordance studies and so does Wendy as she wrote about doing it many times. One simple scripture has been on my lips many times a day, "I will trust in You Lord, with all my heart". I will be firmly rooted, established in my faith. I prayed to the Lord about how I wanted to trust him so fully with my life and asked him to help me overcome my disbelief concerning his power and plans over my life. He took me straight to Psalms 9, I asked Him to take me to the word that He had for me and that is where my fingers got caught up in the pages as I strummed my Bible. Psalms 9 is about God hearing our cries for help and trusting in Him. Verse 10 says Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. It speaks of praising him. The study part of the Bible explains that inward attitude becomes outward expression. Oh my, I was so glad he took me there. And I felt so special that God was listening to me and took care to take me to such a special Psalm. Another part of the study section of my Bible explaining this Psalm says "But God is to be praised, for he sees and remembers all the good we do, and it is up to him to decide the timing and the appropriateness of our rewards. If we do not trust him to vindicate us, then we will be susceptible to hatred and self-pity. If we do trust him, we can experience God's peace and be free from the worry of how others perceive us and treat us.". Amen to that. Part of my Concordance study led me to scriptures that show that a lack of trust in God can lead to grumbling (Israelites in the wilderness). Oh my can you say conviction? Well, I am honest about it at least. That's a good part of the battle. The other 2 parts are learning how to overcome it and then actually being able to put it into life application. I am in the last part of this battle, yes and Amen to that.
Another thing.... the scripture in the Bible that talks about God's word going out and not returning void keeps coming up over and over and over. I knew this was something God had to speak to me. I have also felt the need to begin memorizing scripture and speak them out loud. My Sunday school teacher brought up that scripture also and she said also out of the mouth the heart speaks. She said God wants to use you but if you aren't memorizing scripture so you can send God's word back to him you are cheating yourself. Also, she said that if you aren't memorizing scripture then you have nothing of God's word in you for him to pull up out of you so He can use you to witness to others. She said we need to put God's word into our hearts and he will pull it out of us and we shall speak it and it will not return void. Ah, yes. Long sigh when she said that, I get it now Lord. Thank you, I truly am a tough nut to crack, but at least my shell is cracking, lol.
"I will trust in you Lord, with all my heart." Amen.