Monday, December 21, 2009

It's My 40th Birthday Today.

Today is my 40th birthday. I am NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. I haven't blogged in awhile, I have been overwhelmed with the busyness of the Holidays and such but I thought such a momentous day deserved some kind of record if you will.

Why am I not happy about 40?

I am not a numbers gal but 40 means something to me. You see, I have been thin all my life until I turned 30. I had my third child two weeks before I turned 30 and I had gained lots of weight with her and when I turned 30 I still had 40 lbs extra on me. I don't lose weight by what I eat, never have. I only lose weight if I go to the gym, period. I have always gone to the gym until my third kid. Long story long story long story but as many times as I have tried to go back to the gym life seems to throw me a curve ball and I can't do it. Mostly because my kids always scream at the gym daycare and they make me take my kid out and leave & hubby works all the time and then is tired when he isn't so he doesn't want to watch said young children either. SO....... I still have the 40 from Amber and yep, another 30 on top of that. Turning 40 means I have been fat for 10 years now. THAT IS SO DEPRESSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still catch my breath sometimes when I look in the mirror and see myself. In my mind I am still thin. A decade of fatness. I am very unhappy about this. I want to join a gym and I asked for a gym membership for my birthday. Hubs said yes and go find one but I can't find one with daycare, Brax is 3 now so I think he would stay in the daycare now. The day cares I did see were nasty. So, I am searching for a gym with daycare facilities that are not gross. We have a YMCA in Canton but their daycare workers are awful. I would not let them watch my dog. So, still searching, still searching.

I thought perhaps somebody would do something nice for me as it is a pretty big milestone but who the heck am I kidding? 4 days before Christmas everyone is always busy and I honestly cannot remember a single birthday being eventful or special since I had my first child. That would be 17 years ago. My mom always made my birthdays very special so I am grateful for that. She always threw me a gigantic pool party in the summer since it was cold, yes Miami does get a wee bit chilly in December ha ha. She always made sure that my relatives wrapped my presents in Happy Birthday paper and not Christmas. Anytime someone bought me a birthday present and/or Christmas present and the card said Merry Christmas/ Happy Birthday like people often would try to do she would always save Christmas wrapping paper and when their birthdays came she would wrap their gift in Christmas paper and give a card that said Merry Christmas/ Happy Birthday. Nobody ever did that more than once ha ha. She always tried hard to make sure I had just as good a birthday as everyone else that did not have one so close to Christmas. She always threw me a big party in the summer and she was the best mom in the world. She still is, mom and dad had me over for lunch on Friday and bought me ribs from my favorite rib place. YUMMO.

Lexie tells me she bought me the most awesome present in the world and that it is "HUGE" and that I will love her forever. Me thinks a trip to the spa perhaps? It's nice when your teen has a job ha ha. She can afford some good stuff us ladies like. Well, she is excited about it. I can't wait to see what it is although I will have a hard time accepting it. She needs clothes really bad and she spent a lot of money on me instead. Ain't that a woman for ya, sacrificing herself to make someone else happy? Her lammo lazy dad sent her some money for Christmas so I feel a little better knowing she can buy clothes with that.

But alas, I feel very depressed and down today. I think if I was thin I would care less. But I am not and knowing I spent my ENTIRE 30's fat is just stinkin depressing. I secretly hoped for a surprise get together or something but Mike says birthdays are like any other day and he feels no particular necessity to do anything like that. He was going to buy me something yesterday but we are so broke right now I told him not to. I just want the gift of being thin again. THAT'S ALL. I hate being out of shape. When you are fat it is hard to have energy! It just is not there. Every little thing is such a chore. Taking a shower is a hoot, when I get out and get dressed I swear the truth, I have no energy left to dry my hair ha ha. Is that not sad or what? I sit here typing with wet hair. Now that it is half dry I will go finish drying it but dang, I need a gym. I simply cannot let another year go by without working out. When Mike got laid off 2 years ago I was able to workout for 3 months and I lost 20 lbs doing Zumba at the YMCA. But then he was working again and over the next 7 months after that I gained the 20 lbs back. Yep, I have to go to a gym or my body could care less what I do or eat.

I have to buy my husband's car tag today. I'm like thanks honey. I'll take care of that for ya. Have a nice day. I think he is taking me out to dinner tonight. He mentioned something Saturday about it. I don't even want to go. Perhaps this is why men have a hard time understanding us? I am upset that nothing special EVER happens on my birthday so he says he will take me to dinner and I don't want to go. That is probably confusing for guys but I understand it pretty well. There is something just unspecial about going to dinner for me at least. If he invited friends to go that would be special. Whatever, I am weird. I think I just want to know somebody put some thought into making my day nice. Yeah, I think that is it. Well, hopefully I can find a gym with a daycare soon and get to feeling healthy and good about myself again.

Have a wonderful day and if I don't get back to the ole blog this week I hope each and every one of you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Jesus has already given us the most precious, personal and perfect gift of all!


Tasha Simons said...

Happy 40th Birthday, Jennifer!!!! I do remember the wonderful birthday parties your Mom planned for you in your childhood. She's pretty amazing and I did see her as the best Mom, ever. She sure knew how to make you feel loved and celebrated. I hope Mike, Lexie, Amber and the others help you feel super loved today! You're a wonderful Mom and a wonderful friend to me and so many others. Make sure to write about what Lexie got you! I'd love to know.

I love you.

Happy Birthday!!!


The Working Home Keeper said...

Happy Birthday Jenn! I hope you have a wonderful and special day.

Mary Ellen

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuu, Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuu, Happy Birthday, dear, Jennifer,
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuuu.
(And many morrrrrrrrrre)

I totally understand how you feel. You deserve to be happy, especially on your birthday. It is a special day to everyone who cares about you. I think you look great, but, it sounds like you are motivated to get in shape, and, that's the first step on any journey. Do it for yourself, and, be the hottest 40-year-old on the planet- and, an inspiration to everyone who knows you. Have a fantastic evening.


Andrea said...

Happy Birthday, Jennifer. I understand about the weight. I, too struggle. I will be 44 in June and lost down to a size 6 in my early thirties...but gained about 50 of the 120 I lost back in my late 30's raising teenagers and under other stress. It can be depressing. I have since been diagnosed with an auto immune disease and have a really hard time getting the weight off. I am trying to remind myself that my self worth is not balanced on my weight or what others think of me.
I pray you will have a great evening no matter what happens or who remembers.
Blessings, hugs, and prayers,

lisasmith said...

Happy, happy, happy, happy birthday!!! May you experience God's best this year and all the rest !!

Deborah Ann said...

I'm right there with you. And since breaking my ankle 3 months ago, I haven't even been able to go for a walk. And now it's Christmas, and the temptations with cookies and candy will be overwhelming.

But...I'm going on a diet January first. Exercising will be hard though, we have six feet of snow here, and I sure don't want to fall again.

Some ideas: Could you get one of those carts that you pull behind your bike, and take your little guy for a nice long ride? Could you get a treadmill? Or what about an exercise video? You can work out right there at home. Think I'm going to do that last one.

I'm sorry your birthday wasn't that great. Your husband needs to know how you feel, and put more effort into pampering you. How about this - I'll come over and club him with my hockey sticks. That way I'll get my exercise, and you'll get yours too, you'll laugh the pounds right off! Wish I lived closer, I would babysit for you free of charge.

If it's any consolation - from the looks of your picture, you are quite lovely JUST AS YOU ARE! In fact, I'm quite sure God agrees.

Have a blessed Christmas, and I'll be waiting with my hockey sticks...just say the word!


Danielle said...

Happy Happy Belated, girl! I hope you day turned out better than you thought it would!

I know all about the weight! Eeck! I am so sick of being the way I am, too. Told myself after the holidays that was IT! I wasn't going to continue on this way... pray for me, and I'll be praying for you.

I hear so many people talk about their weight and oooh, my stomach is so big. Pfffttt... they're little and I say. "Listen, until you have to lift up your stomach to wash underneath, don't complain to me." Hahaha! That makes me laugh. But, it's so true.