For the past week I have been focusing on my experiences with the Lord and His realness. It's all I've pretty much got at this point to keep me going. I know He is real. I just don't understand Him anymore or how He works or His word. I was flickering through the channels on TV this morning and stopped at the 700 club, which I never watch, and a man was explaining that the guy Gordon ( I think that's his name ) was praying for a man who was watching who had pain in his left knee and that God was going to heal him. He said he was that man and that he was healed at that moment and he was on telling his story. He said it was God's goodness that came down and healed him. My instant thought was well then what the heck is it when God does not come down and heal you? Is it his badness? Which just goes to show I still have some major attitude issues me thinks. My mom is laying at home unable to walk, filled full of pain on a daily basis, oh Lord I could go on with her issues and us tripping over her oxygen cord daily and jerking it out of her nose or pulling on her ears and her howling, that part isn't funny but it kinda is ha ha. Well, she is a great lady. The best I ever met. So then I thought, where is His goodness there? I could go on to spout numerous theologies and scriptures that explain the guy's healing and my mom not receiving any even though she is a devout worshiper and avid good deed doer, etc. The point still remains from my last post in this......he was healed, my mom is not, where is God? He is in the man's life and health but not my moms. Again, I just don't understand how He works and it just hammered home to me again that if my mom had taken better care of her body when she was young she would not be suffering so much. So, it's still the point of we get what we have based on our own personal decision making and if we are supremely lucky God intervenes as he so chooses. It's the as he so chooses thing that messes me up. I can't imagine choosing here and there to help my kiddos. I would always help them. Yes, I know, Jesus was His son and He let Jesus suffer and die for us. Why should we not have to suffer......I never said we shouldn't. I think I am just mainly confused as to what part God plays in our life and how we can trust that any scripture other than salvation scriptures are truly applicable to us since He deals with us so differently.
I clearly remember my first heavenly conversation. Yes, it was an actual conversation. I was riding along in my green van in metro Atlanta listening to Star 94 and a thought popped into my head to turn it onto 104.7 The Fish. 104.7 was a brand new Christian radio station in Atlanta and I never EVER listened to Christian music on the radio. LAME-O music. After that thought popped into my head I clearly remember frowning and thinking "Where the heck did that come from? I'm not putting it on The Fish." Again it popped right back into my head "Put it on The Fish." I shook my head, confused. "I'm not putting it on the fish." I thought. I was getting a little confused at this point. Again it popped right back in "PUT IT ON THE FISH AND DON'T TAKE IT OFF UNTIL I TELL YOU." and this time it was like a shout in my head. I got angry with myself for these stupid thoughts and I said to myself "I'M NOT PUTTING IT ON THE FISH . I don't even like Christian music!" Why am I thinking even thinking these thoughts anyway? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't thinking those thoughts and having an argument with myself. I mean, who does that anyway? Certainly not me. Those were not my thoughts. Somebody was talking to me. I knew it like I knew my name. When it registered that this was something heavenly speaking to me I just nodded to myself and said "OK." I put it straight onto 104.7 The Fish and the thought was there again. "Leave it on The Fish and you can listen to regular music when I tell you." Thankfully, The Fish plays contemporary Christian music and I actually liked it. I listened to nothing but The Fish for years. That was not me talking to myself. I had never argued with myself before and never have since. No, it was a heavenly conversation and a conversation it was. It spoke, I spoke. As a really funny side note, as this was in January I believe, every November after Thanksgiving The Fish plays nothing but Christmas music. Good heavens, I can't take more than 3 minutes of Christmas music so when I couldn't take it anymore I prayed and asked the Lord if I could listen to Talk Radio too ha ha. Almost immediately the word Yes popped in. Now, anyone can say I did that answer myself. But, I know I didn't and I was really thankful for Neal Boortz and a much younger Glen Beck who amused me with all his yelling on the radio. It was years later that out of the blue a thought popped into my head with this "You can listen to regular radio now." I laughed so hard. My kids were very grateful and I did a 80/20 split on Christian/regular radio then. That time for me was time of long commutes as I worked downtown by the Governor's mansion and lived an hour and a half up north. I spent 3 hours a day singing worship and having fellowship with the Lord and I think that's pretty cool that God invited/told me that I need to do that with Him. It was a special time and I grew a lot during that time of singing in the car. Yes, I sing in the car, quite loudly when I am alone lol.
Most recently though in the Spring of 2010 I would guess an old church acquaintance posted on FB to please pray for Bishop Johnson who was in the hospital dying. He was a great man of God with a strong passion for mission work. He was a pretty cool dude too. I immediately began to pray in earnest for him. I was in my living room and my kids were sitting on the couch near me watching TV. Not long after I began to pray for Bishop a very intense strong smell began to invade my nostrils and my mouth. It was the sweetest strongest smell of roses I had ever smelt. It was so strong I could taste it. It began to be so overwhelming that it was hard to pray anymore and I immediately thought "Oh great, Amber has gone and sprayed too much perfume AGAIN and I am trying to pray here." I stopped praying and opened my eyes so I could tell Amber to leave the room and go get in the shower. Yeah, no Amber in the room and the smell was almost instantly gone. I still had the taste of sweet roses in my mouth though. I asked my kids if Amber had come in the room. They said no. I asked them if they could smell the roses. They looked at me like I was nuts. They said they couldn't smell anything. The taste in my mouth went away quickly and I was freaked out beyond belief. I immediately FB messaged my Pastor friend lady who had posted the request to pray and told her what happened to me and that no I was not a crazy person and what the heck in Sam wheat had just happened to me. She told me that it was a scent from Heaven and that an angel must have come to collect my prayer directly. I googled the smell of roses while praying and it took me to Catholic sites that explained that the scent is believed to accompany angels and Jesus. Well, I am such a logical person and a realist, you know I just don't believe every thing I am told. I study and I research and I am no pushover so it's not like I just say oh, okay that's what it was and believe it at that. But, I promise you, I felt something while I was praying and completely overcome with the most strongest sweetest scent of roses you can't even begin to imagine and I don't need much convincing here that something from Heaven was in my living room that night as I was praying and I will treasure that experience forever. That must truly be unique and I treasure it as so.
So, I know God is real. Knowing all this you would think I shouldn't be having this problem but yet, here I am confused about how to be a Christian and what part of my life God is active in. I think I am almost decided on re reading the Bible for the fourth or fifth time, I can't even remember anymore and I am going to focus in on scripture that is a blanket statement by God, Jesus or a prophet that applies to everyone and not just a specific person or group of people. I am not entirely sure if I came up with that idea or if God put it there as I have a somewhat sarcastic attitude problem at the moment and there may be some static on our communication channels. But, it can't hurt and I hope I can grow out of this and stop being stupid. I don't think I have a problem being Christian or believing. I just don't get how to do it as I was living a false reality before. Or I think I was at least. I do know one thing now though, I have to just believe in myself and my husband and we have to do everything ourselves and rely on our wisdom and I have to try to fit God into that daily reality. I used to make God my reality and believe that He would give us the wisdom and instruction on what was the best thing to do. I see that in our case at least, that is not true and evident. So, I think I am really frustrated and confused on switching to relying on our abilities and not God as much. I appreciate all the prayers on my behalf. I really do because I tell ya, with all truth there is something that whispers to me daily that it is all just lies and nonsense. I'd like to believe that is my attitude and not something evil paying attention to me and talking to me. But I do wonder.....and I will NEVER stop believing in God and Jesus and I just tell it to shut up and go away.
p.s. We are snowed in day 2 here in the Atlanta area. I don't know how you Northerners do it. Tired of snow but we had a blast sledding down the backyard yesterday.