Blogging God and Me

What 2011 Had In Store For Me and Mine. Let's Catch Up.

2012-01-22T20:26:00.005-05:00

I quit blogging almost a year ago. Since the blog was titled Blogging God and Me, and there pretty much wasn't a God and Me anymore, I stopped blogging. Life stunk and I was pretty peeved about it. I walked away from our "relationship" but I never quit going to church.

I read through the last few of my posts, the last one being May 4, 2011 and I laughed so hard when I read my post from Easter 2011. One of the last things I wrote was that I was looking forward to a great/good summer. Eh, it was one of the two. I'd bet money I was only reaching for good though.....great???? who would I be kidding ha ha. Let's see how that worked out for me.

1.When last we left off I had been having a menstrual period for six months. No, that was no typo, SIX FLIPPETY FLIPPIN MONTHS. And, to avoid any confusion I do mean EVERY SINGLE DAY for those six months. Well, I finally stopped bleeding and hemorrhaging at the end of May. I stopped bleeding altogether in early June. Since this ties in to the worlds longest period thanks to the evil Depo shot my evil doctor gave me for birth control. And, may I say what a wonderful 100% birth control method that shot was......what man in his right mind wants to pork his wife while she is bleeding like a stuck pig. Yes doctor, that was an excellent form of birth control, thank you so much for keeping me from getting pregnant. And having any sex......oh yes, back to what I was getting at.......if anyone remembers I lost 34 lbs in 2010. Yes, that lovely Depo shot made me gain 24 of them back. Thank you again evil doctor for not mentioning that Depo shots cause many women to bleed like Niagara Falls, go psycho, and gain around 30 lbs, you are the best. So thankfully I'm back to regular periods, I'm not psycho but still highly sarcastic in my writing style and thoughts but still sweet as pie outwardly....:) and I still have the 24 lbs. GRRRRR......I lost half a pound last week though, I'll take it.

2. Ah May, I'd like to say we're out of May but NO. May wasn't done with my family yet. The end of May brought horrible news for my daughter Amber's scoliosis. We found out that her scoliosis had not improved or stopped it's curvature like the $6,000 brace (paid in cash, we have no health insurance) and the $6.000 in physical therapy, and the $2,000 traction chair was supposed help do. No, after our end of May visit the chiropractor referred Amber out for surgery. I'd like to say since it's now Jan 2012 that Amber has had her surgery, or is even scheduled for surgery. But....NO. Her curve is increasing so rapidly that she is already at a 100 plus curve and the doctors around here don't think they can help her. After being shuffled around from doctor to doctor we are referred out to a Shriners Hospital for children in Philadelphia, PA. That happened in October, still can't get an appointment. Amber can't wear a bra anymore because she is curved so far over that the bra cuts right into her skin. Joy......She is in pain daily.....more joy......and we found out in July that she has a Chiari Malformation of the brain. This has been, yes you guessed it......WAY MORE JOY......because it's lots of fun to have the base of your brain being sucked into your spinal column blocking spinal fluid from entering your spinal cord which causes you to have scoliosis, headaches and dizziness and a few other things but those are the "only" symptoms Amber experiences. More about Amber's 2 surgeries later.....

3. Hello June, what did you have in store? Oh that's right.....my husband's dad died. It was so horrible. It was beyond horrible. They had just spent the last 2 years becoming so close and it all ended so unhappily. Cancer is not a pleasant way to die. I was so sad for my husband, to this day he still picks up the phone to call his dad. We had to take him off life support and he died surrounded by everyone who loved him. I do believe that when his soul rose up out of his body and he saw that we were all touching him and gathered around him that it must have made him happy to see such a sight. It has been difficult to help my husband, he doesn't like to talk about it. He just keeps it in, he was an emotional mess for a couple of months. He was really angry and lashing out but thankfully that didn't last long, now he just shoves it all in. It was a rough time, and the week of planning, paying for, and putting together the funeral was insanely miserable. June, I was glad to see you go.

4. July and August was filled with doctors appointments at Greenville, South Carolina Shriners Hospital and various financial difficulties.

5. September, I hated you the most. You sucked so bad I'd like to vote the month of September right off the calender. September 28, 2011 Heaven received one of the most beautiful souls to ever grace this planet. My mom, Karen Tomlinson died that day. It was bar none, the worst day of my entire life. She was my best friend from the time I was a baby until the day she died. No one was ever closer to me than my mom. I always wanted to be around her. I always wanted to talk to her. She was truly, one of the best people ever. My mom loved me more than anyone, she always asked me how my day was. Nobody ever asks me how my day was.....even though I always has everyone else how their day was....but mom always cared enough to ask. Her death was not peaceful. It was horrible and drawn out. Dad and I were at the hospital non stop for days and the first two she did nothing but scream in pain. As usual, I had to demand she be pumped with pain killers. "No doctor, I don't care that it will effect her breathing. Do you not year her yelling "Help, Help, Help, Help,Help, over and over? Give her something before I throw you out of the hospital window. Please and thank you." After that she came to a conscious state only one time. Of course it was the only flippety flippin time I was not at the hospital because I needed a physical and we didn't think mom was going to die so I went for my pap smear. Which, of course......I found out 2 weeks later came back as ABNORMAL. Of course it did.......I'll be re tested in March to see what the abnormality is, it had better not be cancer because I just can't deal with that. I have a 12 year old girl to get through 2 very painful surgeries and rehab. I don't need to be dying. We found out the day she died that her pain was from 2 herniated discs in her neck. Her body was flooded with carbon monoxide also, her lungs weren't working right anymore and her blood was being poisoned. Right after my pap smear my dad called me around 5pm to tell me the doctors had just finished telling him that she would never come off life support and would need a feeding tube and have to live in a nursing home. That was around 5pm and in that particular critical care ward they kick you out at 6pm. We decided to regroup in the morning at the hospital to discuss this turn of events. September 27, 2011 I was reading to my 4 year old (The Old Willis Place) and the phone rang. It was 9pm and I knew......I knew it was my dad and I didn't pick up the phone. I just let my husband answer it. I set the book down on the bed and waited for him to come up. I knew that nobody else would be calling that late and that the call could only mean one thing. It didn't take long for me to hear my husband coming up the stairs, I wanted him to stop but he just kept coming towards our room. Dammit. He said my dad had just gotten off the phone with Kennestone Hospital and mom crashed. Dad had to make a split second decision to let her go or put her on life support. My Aunt Gail, mom's sister was already on her way down and Dad said put her on life support so we can all say goodbye. The entire family drove over to mom and dad's apartment to be with my dad and then later went home. The hospital said we could not come up, we had to wait until morning. I was really distraught that I didn't know if my mom was alive or not. I mean, if she was already dead and they revived her was her soul put back in? Or, was she gone and God just let her soul stay with Him and let the body stay alive by the machines? I wanted to know where mom was and nobody knew. What really sent me over the edge was that when mom is in the hospital my dad never leaves her side. He sleeps in the room with her at all times except when she is in certain critical care units they won't let him. She's never alone though and she had to die alone that first night. I can't imagine how horrified she must have been to know dad never leaves her and she would have risen up to see nobody from her family there. That must have made her sad. The next day was horrendous. I didn't sleep of course and my eyes were so swollen from crying after hearing the news on the 27th that I couldn't even hardly see. That sucked too. She didn't die until 5:30 the next day in the afternoon. We all took turns breaking down and I'm 100% certain I had a nervous breakdown twice that day in her room. That must have really sucked for the other patients in critical care because I was sobbing and yelling very loudly. When I wasn't doing that dad was......thank goodness for my church family and for my Aunt Gail who were so wonderful.

I'm still devastated. I still cry every day. It will be 4 months Jan 28 2012.

6. Oct-Dec have just been filled with me and my husband trying to manage after both losing a parent 3 months apart from each other. Our business expanded and in Oct we moved into an office/warehouse. My husband is expanding even more as of Feb. Things business wise are looking promising but it's a lot of hard work and a challenging time because expanding things and starting a new business is not cheap so my cash flow is very limited while we do this. That's never fun but it's worth it of course. I believe in my husband, he is great.

7. Remember those 24 lbs I gained due to the shot? LOL, I'd like to say I have proof that stay at home wives are busy and DO WORK. Now that we have moved out of having an office in our home where I worked part time from home as well as taking care of the home and the 4 year old, I work in an office now 5 days a week. Guess what? Now that I'm not at home and "working" I gained 10 lbs since Oct 15 when we moved in there. Ha ha ha, I always told my husband I worked all day and now I have proof. Now that I'm sitting all day at my desk, I gain 10 lbs which just goes to show that when I was home I was moving all day. Ha, and take that to anyone who says SAHM's don't work. So I've gotten though the holidays now and have said enough is enough and I am back to working out every day again. I want my 34 lbs back off and I want to continue losing even more. It was hard work to get it off but I'll just have to do it again. It's all good as long as it comes off. I turned 42 in December. I hear that next year my birthday should be LOTS OF FUN since my birthday is December 21. As in December 21 2012, YES FOLKS, I am supposed to be getting the ultimate birthday party this year......you know since it's the end of the world and all ha ha. If any of you know me this end of the world thing may take on a new seriousness because just the fact that it would be taking place on my birthday may imply the possibility of it happening. After all, I'm not exactly known for my good luck and if the end of the world should come on any one's birthday, it would most certainly be mine. Yes indeedy. Stock up on your rice and guns. I have several guns if you need any and the zombies are coming for you. But if you turn into a zombie and try coming for me I should warn you that I am an excellent shot.

I'm hopeful that nobody will die this year. I'm hopeful that I just had a freak abnormal pap smear and in April my results will come back normal. I've never had an abnormal pap smear before and I'm freaked out. Lots of my friends tell me they've had them come back abnormal before. That's mildly helpful, to the most mildly mild extent that one can be mildly helpful. The year before I had my first mammogram (boob smashing fest) and that came back as abnormal in my left breast and I had a freak out about that but when I went in for the second mammogram (boob smashing fest part II) it came back as fine. I guess the left one has some fibrous tissue and la la la la la I quit listening to what she said after the words "It's not cancer" and "fibrous tissue" came out of her mouth because I passed out from relief.

What number are we on? Do I really want to scroll up to see? Okay, I'll stop being lazy. I'm scrolling now.Ha!!! I was gong to guess 8 and I was RIGHT.

8. I was asked to volunteer in the cafe at my church in September. That's actually pretty funny since anybody who knows me in real life, or is Facebook friends with me (feel free to send me a friend request, I'm told I'm funny and I can amuse you with my witty status updates that aren't too frequent I promise, lol.).....where were we anyway, oh yeah, the cafe......I hate cooking. I hate being in the kitchen although I am addicted to the Food Network channel and the cafe at church is the last place on earth you'd expect to see me volunteering!! But you know what? I love it. Oh, yeah, let me also say that even though I hate cooking with all of my being I still do it. My kids and my husband do need to eat and I value them more than my hatred for cooking so I do still do it. I'm not that selfish....but as far as the cafe goes, I really enjoy it. Probably because as luck would have it I don't have to do any cooking. We bring in McDonald's and I make coffee and we have tons of other stuff to sell to happy hungry church goers but whoopty doo I don't have to cook any of it. I so enjoy being there and talking to people from 9:30 until church starts at 11:00 when service starts. One of the other benefits of my cafe volunteering is that during praise and worship time (singing) I stay in the cafe and refill the fridge/coke sales cases and clean up. I usu sally get done putting the money away and lock up during the last song. This is great for me because I just haven't dealt with my grief enough yet and my emotions are so raw that I just cannot participate in praise and worship. I just can't do it. I'll completely fall apart. I spent so many years right next to my mom in church praising the Lord together and she loved that part of service so much that I just can't do it yet. Not yet. So this time in the cafe is really good for me. It keeps me sane and I get to talk to so many people in the church, I've made friends through this opportunity God and the church as given me and I'm grateful for that. I'm pretty reserved around people I don't know and being the lady at the food window there is no being reserved and since I feel comfortable, I'm pretty chatty. True Life Church is so friendly anyways, they love to love on people. I love it there so much. Yes I do.

Well, I think that's enough for now. I think I want to start blogging again. I miss it. I miss the free therapy lol. I think it's time to journal again. I've gone though a lot spiritually and I want to journal that too. So, it's good to be back after almost a year.

My mom's obituary....Rest in peace mom....I love you so much!!!!!!

Love ya,

Jenn

When God Doesn't Take What You Give Him

2011-05-04T14:24:00.003-04:00

I had a really cool moment this week or two actually that gave me some insight as to why all things churchy are tough for me right now. You know, since I'm on some weird kind of sort of hiatus at church. First, I was trying to explain to my husband why I can't just "relax" and "let things roll off my back" like he keeps telling me to. I personally cannot even conceive how to do that so I said that is as difficult for me as it is for you to hear people say "just give it to God". Hubs hates it when people say that! Then he says to me "No, it's not the same thing. You can let things go but I can't give anything to God because He never takes it." Fashizzle, a light bulb went off. You know, Mike was right. In everything Mike has tried to give to God since I have known him the last 14 years God did not take those things and do anything with them. I felt really let down for him. I, for the first time, was able to completely understand why he does not understand why people say just give it to God. He had a major point, sometimes you give something to God and He doesn't take it. I wonder why that is? The first irritating answer to that is "well it's all in God's timing, not ours." When people say that I always want to say "Oh great, thanks for that super irritating answer. Can I slap you now or should I wait for God's timing to beat the shiz out of you?" (Chuckle chuckle, oh I slay me sometimes.)

Anyhoo, let's toss out the well he could be a wild sinning old dog part of the equation too. He is a super stand up guy with more integrity than anyone I've ever known. Fer sure. So, why doesn't God take what Mike tries to give him? I have no answer and I fully understand why Mike feels rejected by God. I know he asks for wisdom too and I also pray for wisdom for the hubs but honestly, we still have no clear direction ever. It's always a tough decision when we make them concerning our business and stuff. Where is the wisdom? I don't feel any wiser. I asked Mike if he felt wiser and the look he gave me sent me into a laughing fit. Oh it was a goodie. I took that as a no ha ha. I would think that no matter what state we are in spiritually or sinfully that if we asked for wisdom many times that God would want to give that to us. Right?

I don't know why God does what he does. I don't know why Jesus does what he does. I get really confused by Jesus because he seems like a really tough no nonsense kind of guy. He is no Dr. Feelgood and he is more than a little intimidating to me. I wonder sometimes if I ever encountered Jesus, would he be sweet to me like he was with some or would he tell me off. Because if you needed a telling off he told you off. You know, I look at the Mary/Martha story where Martha is all in a tizzy about all the work she has to do (aka most wives) and she is upset that Mary (aka most husbands) is taking time out to do what is best for herself. She even gets upset with Jesus for not noticing that Martha is doing all the work and not asking Mary to get up and help her. What does Jesus do? He tells her Mary is doing the right thing and He won't tell her to stop doing what is right. Most of us think that is the end of the story but it is soooooo not. That is what Jesus said to Martha leaving most to think that he left Martha to continue on unfairly in her labor all by her lonesome. He left Martha to figure it out. What he was really saying was, Martha you are working yourself to the point of aggravation. Stop, come and join us as your wise sister has done (aka wives stop working yourselves to the bone and join your husband in some relaxation and exercise like he does because he is doing the right thing by taking care of himself and you are doing the wrong thing by not taking care of yourself). The work will always be there but he will not. He gives what I always considered to be a harsh answer to an overworked Martha who really wanted nothing more than to serve Jesus and make his stay in her home a pleasant and comfortable one. She was doing so much she needed help. Jesus basically said the work should not come before time with Him. But he said it in such a way that he left it for her to figure out. I get really frustrated with this story because it does not tell us whether Martha figured out that the "chores" around the house weren't all that important and living life and loving Jesus was better to be first or did she continue on with all her cooking and cleaning by herself? If she did was she upset with Jesus? Did she ever realize that he was inviting her to join them in his Jesus way of speaking? I would love to know. The point of all that? I wonder so much sometimes if God and Jesus do try to take it but since Jesus likes to speak in a confusing manner- I just don't understand what they are saying to me! Do you know how horrible that would be? I wonder if Martha ever understood what Jesus was saying to her or did she just go on about her work thinking he was a jerk that day.

If I was a story like this in the Bible would people be able to see the point and figure out what God and Jesus are trying to do and say to me? Would they be shaking their heads and wondering why I can't understand what God and Jesus were saying to me? And I still wonder why Jesus didn't just say "Martha you work too much. You are a great hostess but I'd rather you just stop and spend time with me like everyone else in the house is, including Mary. Now get in here and sit with me." Sheesh Jesus, could you please speak so I can understand you? I'm just not that smart and I'd really like to understand you and God? Pretty please.

IHOP with the other heathens on Easter.

2011-04-27T17:29:00.003-04:00

We didn't go to church on Easter. We went to IHOP with the other heathens. There were many heathens at the IHOP chomping down on some yummy pancakes. I had made the decision to skip out on church for Easter mostly because I just didn't want to go. That decision was helped along by hearing that there would be no sermon on Sunday. None of us wanted anything other than a happy day and we didn't feel like watching people dance around on stage whilst pictures of Jesus all bloodied up danced around in the background screens. No thanks. Our life sucks enough, we wanted a day of happy things.

After breakfast we window shopped, had a nice time at a park and then went to see the movie Hop. I was excited to find out that at our local movie theatre all movies 7 days a week are $5 a ticket for movies starting between 4:00-5:30. What a steal! Also, on Tuesdays all drinks and small popcorn's are $1 a piece. Shazam, we can afford movies for 6 now. Hop was pretty funny. Amber split her pants at the park on the monkey bars and that was freakin hysterical. I for one didn't want to go to the park because it was hot and being in nature when it is hot makes my husband cranky and my kids kooky. So, there was a little drama as we were leaving the park because my kids pissed off my husband being loud and laughing. But, it was my fault because somewhere between getting in the truck and arriving at the movies it was decided that our dog Brownie would get a Facebook. We had a fun time listing Brownie's info we could put on her facebook. For instance, for music Brownie would have "I whip my tail back and forth. I whip my tail back and forth." That will not be at all funny if you have never heard Willow Smith's song "I whip my hair back and forth." Ahem. This hoo haa aggimatated the hubs and he got a little cranky poo along the way . Fortunately for us all we were there a tad early and he got to play some video games with big guns and shooting things always makes Mike happy. I think Mike would have made an excellent soldier in war time. A sniper perhaps? He does love to shoot things.

Anyhoo, I was most thrilled that I did not have to cook a single thing on Easter. KFC grilled chicken meal for dinner. Oh yeah. It was the first year I didn't go to church for Easter or cook a big Easter dinner. I also did not do Easter baskets. We did not dye Easter eggs. I bought a bag of 42 plastic eggs and stuffed them with coins and Hershey kisses. We had two hunts in the living room. One for the youngest two and one for the oldest two. The first hunt was sweet. The second hunt looked more like a boxing tournament than an egg hunt. The couch leg was wounded in the battle and there was much egg stealing out of the older two's baskets when the other was not looking. Jesus would have been so proud :) All in all it was a great day. Lexie said she was glad we did not go to church because she always thinks of Easter as being happy and she said most of the time at church Easter service seems sad and it makes her cry. I know what she means.

I didn't go to bible study this past Tuesday either. I wasn't going to go the week before either but I decided at the last minute to go. It was on the favor of God. I should not have gone. Basically it was bullshit that if you are a good little girl and do everything the bible tells you then the favor of God will be upon you and you will have more than enough health, finances, happy relationships, ministry opportunities, growth in all areas of your life and an all around great ta da life. Bullshaz bullshaz bullshaz. Um, first of all the disciples were totally doing what they were supposed to and their lives post Jesus were tough as all get out. John the Baptist did everything he was supposed to, was put on this earth by God himself to prepare the way for Jesus and look at his life. Living in the desert, eating bugs, jailed and beheaded. Look at missionaries in China, doing God's will and they are tortured and imprisoned for years and some for life. I know of one beaten with a sledge hammer and left in a heap broken bones and all. No one ever picked him up once. He just had to heal the way he was able to scoop himself up. Hmmm, no definitely not a good class for me to go to. I have been a good little girl my whole life and my life is crappy poop doo. Everyone says I am cursed, so in my "this is all bullshit" state of mind that was so not the class for me to have attended. I left there feeling like dog poop and completely unworthy. I was like boy I must really be pathetic if she is right and my life is always so sucky, it must be because I am a disobedient piece of crap. Which I know I am not and I have the worn out bibles to prove it. So, being a good little girl does not guarantee crappy doo and I wish people would quit teaching that. Does that mean we shouldn't be good? No. It doesn't but being a good little rule follower does not in any way guarantee you wisdom, steady finances, health, and good relationships.

I'm not sure how to take the hiatus that I am wanting to take. Now that I have been back at my old church it feels stupid to leave again. Especially since they miss me when I am not there as evidenced by my facebook wall and message inbox. We missed you Jenn, oh boy do I feel bad. I am so confused anymore. I was thinking about what my life will look like now. I made up my mind that if God wants me, if Jesus wants me then they need to throw a little positivity my way. I do not need crappy circumstances to make me turn to them. I was already turned to them and secure. It's just this constant onslaught that has me now saying enough is enough. I am done with this abusive relationship. I don't need anybody to torture me to make me better. I don't want to quit God either. What does that look like? I was thinking of volunteering my time at a teen shelter that is not affiliated with a church here locally. I don't want to just become a lukewarm fence sitter. That is just not me, I'm not sure what to do. I do know that all things church just aggravate the poo out of me lately though which is crazy considering how much I have always loved going to church and loved volunteering. I have concluded that I am seriously jacked up and there is no helping me until some positive stuff starts happening and the bad stops and then maybe I can fix myself. I would now consider myself traumatized. So, whatever, I just want to hang out here at the house and not at church and work on remembering what happiness looks like and enjoying life and my family again. Church just wants money and I don't have it to give and I leave there feeling depressed. That's not good for me right now. I think it's a good decision but of course nobody at church would understand that but I'm doing it anyway. Hoping for a happy summer.

So Harry Potter and Twilight are bad but the "MAGIC" kingdom is good? I'm A Little Confused Here.

2011-04-14T07:49:00.009-04:00

Once again I was told not to see these movies because magic/vampires are demonic. Oh, so if magic is demonic why are Christians vacationing at the MAGIC kingdom? Seriously. I see Christians complaining on Facebook about these movies, ranting in little groups and blogs because they say they are demonic. Magic is demonic. All magic I ask? Yes, all magic they say. Well, then why do you take your kids to Disney I ask. You know, the MAGIC kingdom. Silence. That is the part where I laugh like a wild hyena in my mind. So the hubs, the kids and I took a quick inventory of movies nobody seems to have a problem with and we had the best time laughing our butts off at the complete hypocrisy and lack of thinking about what people actually say and believe. So, let's take a lookey shall we? The stance.....magic is demonic and Christians should not take part in this via horoscopes, movies and activities. Gotcha. All I always ask? Yes, all they always say. Okay dude, you got it. The Magic Kingdom (a place I personally have no problem with but I don't tell people not to go do and see things either ), um, the word MAGIC is in the title of the establishment. Do I really need to say more? But let's do. The main character of Disney's Magic Kingdom is Cinderella. Her beautiful castle proudly displayed at the entrance. Didn't she escape a horrible life and have all her dreams come true by a "fairy" godmother who used "magic"? Yes or no. Moral of Cinderella is also that you can become Wickan and use magic and fairies to have all your wishes come true. Ah, what a nice movie. Nothing like Harry Potter where magic is used for good to battle evil and good triumphs over evil. Wait, in Cinderella wasn't magic used for good to battle the evil stepmother and sisters and because of the magic good triumphed over evil? Yes or no. But, Cinderella is okay and Harry Potter is not? The Wizard of Oz: Let's see, witches using magic. There is even a witch who is "good" and uses her magic for "good". Does this tell children magic can be good? Then most of the movie Dorothy and her friends are just trying to get to a "wizard" so he can do "magic" and fix all of their problems. Hmmmm, another epic battle of good vs. evil and magic is used or is hoped to be used to fix all the wrongs and make everything okay. I've been told Pokemon is bad because of unnatural "monster type" creatures and those are demonic because they use magic too. Yeah, I think The Wizard of Oz is full of unnatural creatures. But hey, it's okay that that movie promotes wizards, witches and magic right? I mean, it's cute. We don't mind that..... Beauty and The Beast: magical spell cast on the hot guy making him a beast right off the bat. Oh my magic being used for evil purposes in the first minute of the movie? Surely we as Christians should not watch this? Yikes, she says with sarcasm. Magical mirror, castle full of people who had a magic spell cast on them to make them castle objects that talk. Because of the spell and a kiss the beast magically turns into hot dude again. Ah, when magic is used this sweetly certainly it is not demonic? Right? I mean, Harry Potter will make my kids want to become devil worshipers and start learning magic but all the sweet cute movies won't. Okay..... The Little Mermaid: Where should I start....mythical mermaids are now real. Um, isn't the little mermaids daddy a mythical God of the sea? WHAT? A children's movie promoting mythical creatures and the main character is the daughter of a false sea god? No way, Christians would never let their kids see a movie like that? Then an evil octopus uses magic to enslave underwater creatures and trick the little mermaid. I do believe magic is used all over this movie and promotes false gods. WOW. But, that's okay and we can put our little girls in little mermaid jammies and because they are so sweet and the movie is sweet it can't be wrong. Oh no. That magic is happy magic. Peter Pan: Oh my. Let's see.....the "fairy" Tinkerbell who comes from a "fairy" kingdom. Isn't that Wicken? Aren't fairies of false religions? Oh but she's so sweet, she can't be demonic. Then the "fairy" Tinkerbell uses her "magical" fairy dust to help kids fly. Oh, and you can use magic to go to a "magic" place to stay young forever and do what you want and not have to listen to your parents. WHAT? Surely we would not want to promote that behavior to our kids? Magic, not listening to our parents? Sneaking out of the house at night with magic fairies and magical people who fly into your room at night. That would surely be demonic. Are we getting the point yet? I mean, can we not have a little common sense here? I want to quickly mention "Bewitched". A favorite that all of us 40 plus people watched and loved. And none of us were moved to start devil worshiping and learn magic spells. And, yet some of us waltz around judging people for going to and taking our kids to see movies they feel are unhealthy and unchristian because of magic or demonic creatures. All magic is from the devil. Okay so if you are going to go around saying that then you really should think about what you are really saying. And, you may want to go throw out all of your "magic" filled movies in your DVD collection. You can never go to Disney's "MAGIC" kingdom ever again either. Sometimes I just want to say relax people and think about what you are saying. You are not helping anyone by showing yourself to be ignorant and judgemental. I really believe that what we see and where we go must be individualized and just like Paul wrote, everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Each person must decide if something will be harmful to them and their kids personally and not make those decisions for others. Because, as we can see, magic is packaged up all nice and sweetly in some movies and we all love those movies, ahem cough SNOW WHITE, and we don't have problems with those movies but then one comes out that we decide we don't like and that movie becomes evil all of a sudden. But wait, I thought all magic was satanic and demonic? Yeah, I just wish that people would really think about what they believe and realistically live out before they try to tell someone what they should not see or do. Because there's a whole lot of people that discount most of what they say because of stuff just like this. I've seen 4 people get onto others on Facebook for using the Horoscope app because the bible says to stay away from that stuff. But magic is also included in that and all four of these people I know for a fact go to the "MAGIC" kingdom every year. Yep, a quick 30 second read for fun looking at your horoscope is completely demonic and you should be publicly lashed on Facebook for publishing being a Christian that uses the horoscope app but for them to take their kids on a trip exposing them to all things "MAGIC" for days at a time is completely harmless. Yeah, plank in your own eye. plank in your own eye. Don't tell me not to watch Eclipse or Breaking Dawn 'cause I can't hear you. The plank sticking out of your eye is blocking the sound coming from your mouth. This was a highly sarcastic post and I apologize for that. I am a little moody today and every day lately. I want people to leave me alone about this and I wish they would very much think about what they are saying before they say it and analyze if they actually even really believe what they are saying. I'd love to know what anyone thinks about what I wrote and the whole magic/ vampire thing. Is it all bad and should be avoided or not? Can we get too carried away with this and there is room for a little imagination here? But, I feel truly that you can't condemn one movie for magic and promote and accept another movie filled with magic because of our personal preferences.

What I WANT and What I NEED When I Pray

2011-01-28T08:30:00.004-05:00

I forgot to load this when Lexie went for her black belt in Tae Kwon doe, the holidays were crazy. I was so proud of Lexie as she did receive her black belt on Braxton's 4th birthday. It was a very good day all around. I think I'd fall over on my face if I tried this ha ha.

I've had an interesting week so far concerning my prayer life, which has been pretty non existant since we left our church to go back to our old one. I was listening to my spiritual mentor http://lysaterkeurst.com/ on her webcast (her site is being hacked these days since her new book Made To Crave has come out so it's down today again. Stupid hackers.) and she was talking about "Wants" and "Needs". Here is the freaky twist to that. If you've been reading the posts below, I blogged about Sunday's sermon at True Life where Jesus says to blind Bart "What do you want me to do for you?" Pastor made a big point that Jesus usually asks a question very similar to this when he heals someone. Knowing Jesus can read the minds of every person around him it is critical to note that he ALREADY knows what the person wants and needs. But, he asks. Pastor said it is important to know WHAT we want from Jesus and WHAT we want Him to do when we are seeking help. I thought that was interesting but didn't pause on that too long. Then the next evening Lysa was on talking about Wants and Needs. I may have this next part mixed up a little because God has shown me so much this week my head is spinning. I may get the begging part from Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl or maybe that all was Monday. You know, I get this much information mixed up sometimes lol. She was talking about how so many times she would pray begging "God I NEED you to do this..... God I NEED you to do that." and how we mess up our WANTS with our NEEDS. I marinated in that for a bit and then I prayed the next day and as I was praying about Amber I realized I was doing the exact thing Lysa was talking about. "God I NEED you to please heal Amber. God I NEED you to help us pay for her treatments. God I NEED....." and I paused very quickly. I said "Okay Lord, I get it now. Jesus, I WANT you to heal Amber but more than anything we NEED you. I WANT the funds to pay back my dad quickly and be able to pay for future treatments and the new wardrobe for Amber but more than anything we NEED to feel you. Jesus I WANT you to make the stress go away with the work pressures so we can focus on kitty but we NEED you directing our lives foremost. We NEED to be in your will. We WANT you to make this better and heal Amber." I redirected my requests quickly into wants and needs. I redirected a needful begging into a faithful request to Jesus and God. You know, I really liked it. Every time I said an "I WANT" I was immediately mindful of what I also NEEDED more than my "I WANT". It made my prayer more focused on Jesus than my requests. It made my requests faith filled requests and not begging and pleading, it made my prayer more centered around my need for Jesus and the Lord to be my main love and focus and my relationship with them as the top priority and everything else was second. I NEED God, I NEED Jesus. I WANT healing for Amber. I WANT the finances to be plentiful so that stress is gone. I WANT the guys to work hard and get the jobs done quickly so they are more profitable so the company can be in the black. It just really shifted my realities into looking at what I truly do need first.

I love Lysa TerKeurst. I cannot wait to get her book Made To Crave. You know that's how I lost over 30 lbs last year, her book kind of. She was in the process of going through everything she did where she ended up being able to write Made To Crave and how the whole diet process needed to be one that she invited God into and how she relied on Him for strength. I thought she was a little kooky at first but as I saw it work for her, I tried it. I invited God to be my strength and my "portion" in my quest to be skinnier. Dude, it totally worked. I would want a cookie and I would pray for God to be my portion. Lamentations 3:24 The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him. I focused in on Him when I was weak towards food. When I didn't want to work out, I prayed for Him to give me strength. Well, 4 months later over 30 lbs were gone and I had been trying to get that 30 something off for 10 years. So, I REALLY want to get this book. I cannot even imagine how much goodness is packed in that book. I've read most of her books and each one has changed me in dramatic ways. The best book EVER is What Happens When Women Say Yes To God. Oh my, best book she has written. This new one may be better.

Well, I just want to say again how unique this praying experience has been separating out what I NEED and what I WANT. Also, you know Jesus was never one to let anybody slide by without being completely genuine with Him. Remember the father who was asking Jesus to heal his son? Jesus told him that he needed to believe because the father said "if you can" and that all things are possible for those who believe. (Remember my post earlier where I read that Beth Moore said God corrected her one time and told her to not just believe IN HIM but to BELIEVE Him. Believing In God is different than Believing God.) Then the father said "I believe. Help me with my unbelief." Then Jesus healed his son. Jesus wants us to believe and be honest with him. He knew the man wanted his son healed. He knew this man served His Father. He knew the man was struggling with the he can but will he thought pattern and I wondered why he said he believed and then immediately said help me with my unbelief. Until, it was mentioned to picture the scenario, Jesus is standing in front of the father looking him straight in the eye. Jesus tells him to believe. The father, wanting his boy healed says "I believe." while looking Jesus right in the eye. There must have been a pause, Jesus is still looking at him. The father desperate for help realizes he does not fully believe and gets truthful with Jesus. "Help me with my unbelief." Jesus is no marshmallow. He wants us to believe and he wants us real. After saying what he WANTS Jesus to do, he activates his faith but his faith is not complete. He reaches out to Jesus instead of turning away and asks Jesus to help him with that too. And, that's when we see Jesus's supernatural meet up with the natural.

I WANT kitty healed but I NEED the peace of Jesus more. I'm glad He is helping me get all of this worked out. God is pretty amazing. Although, I can't lie, I'd be pretty okay for all the bad things to stop happening. That'd be nice. Lost $800 yesterday because one of our employees broke something and we had to replace it. NICE. It's this daily poo that messes me up but hey, I'm on the upside of not being aggimatated with God anymore so it's cool. None of kitty's pants fit her anymore either. I discovered that factoid this morning. I sent her in a dress and leggings yesterday to school for comfort. Her jeans do not go over the brace. So I sent her to school in her sisters black gauchos with sequins across the waistband, lol. Her shirt was long enough to cover it. I guess we will be spending grocery money on pants this weekend, lol. It will all work out. I am the queen of cheap. I think I have a check waiting for me at the consignment store too. Thank goodness.

Jenn

Scoliosis Treatment

2011-01-27T09:42:00.002-05:00

This is the brace Amber was fitted with last night. It is a SpineCor flexible brace and I think it rocks over the plastic/fiber glass ones the pediatric orthopedics use. She will wear a under armor type shirt under the brace and then her clothes go over the brace.

We went to this appointment believing that Amber had a curve of 30 degrees to 40 degrees. Unfortunately when the specialist actually measured the curve we got the shock of our lives. She has a 70 degree curvature of the spine. When you get around 50 degrees they recommend seeing a surgeon. That's really not an option for me with my 11 year old girl. Since Amber has not started her period yet that's really bad and her prognosis is for the spine to keep curving. As she grows so does the curve and not having her period is a really bad thing for us right now. We are actually praying for her period to start ha ha. I told her I'm gonna pump her full of hormones which realistically means having her drink lots of milk and eat more meat. They pump those cows full of hormones which starts little girls on their periods quicker. Oh my. Anyhoo, I cried my eyes out again. It was such a shock and after I cried for a bit I just went into survival mode. Mike really liked the doctor which made me really happy. Mike has this unique gift of being able to sense things about people. He is never wrong about anybody he meets. He just knows when someone is shady and he got good vibes about this guy.

So the prognosis isn't good for Amber. He gave us some options.

1. We could brace her with the SpineCor brace and see him for therapy and let him work on her spine with the brace and a very strong home physical therapy program. Her curve is such that he wants to do a 2 week physical therapy with her starting Valentines Day. We would pull her out of school for that time also. She would go to physical therapy from 9:30-12:30 and again from 3:30-5:30 Monday thru Thursday. Friday she will be too exhausted and they only do the morning therapy. Since the office is an hour away we will just hang out somewhere for the 3 hours in between sessions. We will have to purchase a traction chair and after the intense 2 week therapy she will do the traction chair for an hour a day. Picture an electric chair and that's what the traction chair looks like. After traction at home we will have to do physical therapy together and also I have to work her out on our home exercise equipment in addition to the physical therapy because she needs to be pulled out of P.E. (they can't have her sweating in the brace as it retains the moisture and is not hygienic and the moisture makes the brace less effective.) and also she needs to lose weight. The bands are cutting hard across her stomach and she is uncomfortable. Lovely. So basically she will be tied up in home physical therapy 2 hours a day. Also 20 minutes before bedtime he wants me to use some wedges that he will give me to put her into positions and use the wedges to keep her that way for that 20 minutes and then she can go to sleep. Good thing she has a TV with a DVD player in her room. She can only take the brace off 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night. Monday through Friday she has school so she will miss that 2 hours in the am. He said with this therapy we can realistically expect her curve to decrease from 70 degrees to about 50 degrees which is still a bad curvature. Now I also know that people defy odds all the time and this is a general expectation based on past cases. She may do better or she may do worse. Every body responds differently. But, we also have Jesus and I have faith in Him. If He wants to heal Amber and we have faith she will be at a zero curvature if He so chooses. I won't put limits on Jesus but I also must process realities and say that Jesus can but make the best choices here in the natural while we pray for a miracle. Here is the website for the SpineCor brace if you know anybody with Scoliosis as I really like this brace. http://www.scoliosisspecialists.com/

2. Option 2. See a surgeon and he recommended that we do so. We can have the surgery which the Shriners will do for her for FREE because we have no health insurance. I love those Shriners. Surgery on an 11 year girl is not good and he said they'd probably brace her in their fiberglass/plastic braces until she grows more so either way she is going to be braced until surgery if we choose the surgery option. I really hate the surgery option. What parent would love the surgery option? None of course and it may end up being necessary. He said we need to make the decision for ourselves. Before he braced her he said it was a 70/30 odds for her that she would end up needing the surgery by his best guess.

We opted for therapy and the SpineCor brace first before surgery. I am not even going to make an appt. with a surgeon until we give this therapy a go. I feel like I need to try this first and Mike agreed. Before he braced her he said that he did not expect to see an improvement in her spine curvature when he the took the X ray of her in the brace. He said at 70 degrees it should not be expected to see improvement and if there was it would be maybe 5 degrees or less upon just putting her in the brace. If she had a curvature of 30 degrees or so she could be put into the brace and when the brace was on she would be at zero degrees or less than 10 degrees. He said at this point the brace would be stopping progression and then the therapy he would do with her for the two weeks and then the home therapy would be helping to start improvement in the curve. So, this next part was the only ray of hope in the whole 3 hour appointment. After he braced her and took an X ray with the brace on her curve went from 70 degrees to 60 degrees. He was very optimistic and surprised that he got a 10 degree improvement from her considering how bad the curve was. He said that means her spine is still very flexible, something critical to correcting this disease, and that now instead of a 70/30 odds of ending up in surgery we are now probably 50/50. Hey, this mama will take those odds. Thank you Jesus already for that miracle. This doctor actually designed and invented the shorts part of the brace pictured above and SpineCor uses them now. He was really honest with us and I like that. I'll take honesty any day. So, I feel full of hope for kitty. I just can't take an 11 year old girl to see a surgeon, not without trying this first. Before the month is over we will have borrowed $14,000 to treat Amber. As a side note, I had a great laugh when my Grammy who is in no way hurting for cash and is always traveling and going on cruises from which she just returned from one, informed me that she won $500 on the cruise she just came back from and since we would have to purchase lots of new clothes for Amber to fit over her brace she would be sending me $10 in the mail. I laughed and laughed and laughed. We were skyping her from my parents home and Grammy kept yelling "What's so funny?". Oh my, $10 Grammy, really? What the hell am I going to buy for $10? My mom got pissed and told her she would send her the bill for the $14,000. I thought it was hysterical. Fricken $10, keep it you old bird I wanted to say. But I was just in a bad mood at that point and I'll be happy for that $10 to use it for an under armor shirt for her. The school nurse just called. Amber's brace is rubbing her neck, the cami I put her in isn't working. We will be purchasing under armor at Dick's this afternoon. Yep. My poor little kitty poo.

Some friends are asking us about doing a benefit concert to help pay for kitty's treatments, the brace and the traction chair. We were against it when we were just looking at the initial $4300 for the brace but now that we are up to $14,000 for Feb alone, I'm thinking that concert option sounds good. I want Mike to put together a couple of baseball tournaments to raise money too. Since he is President of the local rec league he helps people do that all the time and rents out the field. Well, maybe it's our turn to put on our own tournament and raise some money for kitty. Baseball is huge around here and teams will always pay to be in tournaments if they are good ones. So that is another option. My mother in law called the United Way and that was a huge joke. Did you know that the United Way doesn't actually help anyone? The lady told me that they give all the money they receive minus their administrative costs which is probably around 35% to charities. The only thing they do for people when they call for help is advocate for them. In other words they will tell me who they work with and if any of those charities they give money too can help me then they will contact that charity and see if that charity can help me. What a joke? Why even give money to the United Way if they don't actually help anyone and they keep $3.50 of every $10 you give. So the charity receives $6.50 from your $10 donation and they have administrative costs of around 25 to 30% so by the time the United Way who doesn't help anybody takes their cut and everybody has paid their expenses your $10 donation is really $4. Yeah, just give straight to the charity you like. More people would get helped that way. They also told me they don't help anyone or work with any charities that help people with medical costs. Whatever. Also, I cannot be helped if I am current on my bills. She told me not to pay my rent or utilities and I might get some cash for being behind on my bills. And, that would be what's wrong with so much of America. If you aren't responsible you can get help. If you are responsible and do your best to do what you have to nobody will help you. If I was illegal this would be free I suppose? Or if kitty commited a crime and was in juvenile detention she'd get free care too. Weird. No thanks lady.

Amber and I talked about prayer last night on the way home and I told her to call on Jesus to be with her. She said she had been. It was a nice chat. I told her that her faith was important and to be honest with the Lord and Jesus. She said she would ask them to help and heal her. That's my girl. I'm just asking everyone to pray for a full recovery. She has already beaten the odds by getting a 10 degree correction when the doctor didn't' expect hardly anything.

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. Well, all I can do is go with my instincts and research as much as I can. This stinks. It could always be worse but I'm sick of saying that. Trying to stay positive today and not cry or fret. Talking to Jesus and the Lord a lot and being honest with them. What else can I do? Thank you for your prayers.

Jenn

Would You MInd Praying For Amber Please?

2011-01-24T12:47:00.003-05:00

This is my sweet little Amber cat. Amber will get her Spinecor flexible scoliosis brace this Wednesday at 3:30. I would love it if you would say a prayer or two for little Amber cat. Compliance is key to the brace correcting her scoliosis and since Amber has curve greater than 30% and 40% is where they generally recommend doing surgery, well, this brace just HAS to work. Also, we have Jesus on our side and the Bible does say that the Lord hears the prayers of the righteous. Therefore, I would greatly value and treasure your prayers on her behalf for healing, a corrected spine, increased faith for the whole family during this process and whatever else may glorify the Lord through her scoliosis and healing process. I would love kitty to have a testimony of how the Lord healed her but that is up to Him.

I want to say that I will fight for kitty and as a momma that is natural I suppose. But more than anything I want Jesus at the forefront of this battle she faces. I can be Jesus's armor bearer if you like. I have been sitting kitty down with me every Monday night for Lysa TerKeurst's Made To Crave Webcasts at 8pm.
If you haven't been tuning in please do! This Monday is week 3 and they do rebroadcasts on Tuesdays several times a day. I have enjoyed doing this with Amber as we learn about Jesus, the Lord, food issues and nutrition. She has enjoyed it and requested several healthy items that Dr. Ski Chilton suggested from last Monday nights webcast. I myself purchased some Fiber One bars this week instead of the chocolate chip granola bars from Quaker that I usually do. I haven't tried it yet but Dr. Chilton says Fiber keeps you full so eat more fiber. Okay. I also purchased whole wheat spaghetti from Barilla and tried to keep that on the down low but the entire family caught me! I had me a George Lopez moment in the kitchen when I exclaimed "I can't do nothing!". We all got a laugh out of that and if you never watched George Lopez's sitcom that probably went way over your head :) BTW, nobody could taste a difference. So, I hope you can join in the webasts too. Also, last weeks webcast was a great catalyst in what I have been needing to hear. Lysa's pastor talked about the man with the mat who was at the pool and how Jesus told him to get up, pick up his mat and walk. He also asked him before that if he wanted to be healed. Now, we always have to look at why Jesus says what he says because Jesus knows the minds of the people he is talking to. There is a reason for every single word Jesus speaks when he is speaking to someone. So, what I gleaned from that is whilst I piddle around with my confusion and anger towards God and Jesus I must ask myself, do I want to be healed of this first? Answer, yes. Then what happens is Jesus tells the man to get up and do something in his natural first and his supernatural will be there. So first I must make the decision and commit truthfully be being healed and set free. Yes, even from a deep confusion with the Lord and Jesus. Then I must get up off my mat and walk. I must have the faith that Jesus will be there to meet me and show me what I am missing here. Where my belief systems didn't match His truth. I must just get up and do my natural so that I can meet up with his supernatural. I must always make the first move. Even in salvation we must initiate first contact. When we release our faith in the natural, Jesus is there with his supernatural. Sounds simple but you know, living out the word can be tricky.

So after last Monday and that truth setting in I was also contemplating this nugget from Beth Moore as I was studying in her Breaking Free workbook, "before the prophecy of physical captivity was fulfilled there was already evidence of an internal captivity." That hit me as truth I am living out right now. While I marinated in that I really believe God has had a word for me, a theme that keeps popping up if you will on Sunday and today even. Our Pastor dressed up like Bartimaeous, the blind beggar Jesus healed, (it was a hoot y'all) and he preached a great message that really spoke to me. He was preaching about releasing our faith in Jesus, not as Jesus the man who walked this earth but as Jesus, the son of the living God whose blood was shed for me and know that His anointing is all I need, His power and to call on that Jesus, not the Jesus of this earth that I can easily relate to and picture in my mind. It was interesting in the scripture that the people were saying that Jesus of Nazareth was coming and yet when Bart knows he is near he does not yell out of Jesus of Nazareth to have mercy on him. He yells out Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me. Bartimaeous was one of thousands around Jesus and I always supposed that Jesus called for good ole Bart to be brought over to him because of his loud yelling over and over for Jesus to have mercy on him even though he was told to shut up. But, Pastor had a great point, Bart was calling up Jesus as the messiah, he was calling upon Jesus as the son of God and his power to have mercy on him and don't you just know that moved the heart of Jesus, that got Jesus's attention. This man was saying loudly, Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me whilst every one else was identifying Jesus as a human, the son of a carpenter and viewed him from an earthly perspective. And, Bart was asked, what do you want? What do I want from Jesus? And, have I been just believing in Jesus and knowing that he can and is able without calling upon his anointing to do all that he is able to do? Hmmm, great sermon.

Today I listened to Creflo Dollar on the TV and his sermon was basically the same theme except it was about calling upon the blood of Jesus to be my answer to everything. Make it simple he said. Whatever my issue I need to pray by faith to Jesus to release the anointing and power of His blood over my situation and by faith believe that He is able to do all things. Whatever the issue, Jesus is the answer and to just pray for the anointing of Jesus to have all power and authority over it. He said many of us know all about the gospel, but rarely use it's power. It got me thinking.

Then I picked up Beth Moore's book "Praying God's Word" a birthday gift from a friend and I decided to study it a bit before I got to working for the hubs downstairs in the office. I went to the chapter on unbelief. I am not sure why I did that because I have never stopped believing in God or Jesus or their power, but I am just really confused why my life always sucks and there is ALWAYS something going horribly wrong, like Amber's new diagnosis of scoliosis for instance. Anyhoo, I'm just really confused why the good stuff in God's word doesn't ever seem to apply to my family and I put Him first and yada yada. But that's where I felt like I should go so I did. Well, Beth said something that really impacted me too and I'm glad I listen to my instincts or still small voice. This is what she said "I sensed the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart, "Beth, I want you to believe Me." I was apalled. "Lord, I answered, "Of course I believe in You. I've believed in You all my life." I felt He responded very clearly. Adamantly. "I didn't ask you to believe in Me. I asked you to believe Me." Shivers.......

So, honestly that just happened about an hour ago or so and I don't know quite yet what God wants for me to get in that. If you asked me at that moment I would tell you that I believed every single thing in the Bible and that when I asked for help and wisdom I knew without a shadow of a doubt that He was able and trusted with him with all of us completely. That wasn't an easy place to get to but I honestly feel like I was there. I could be wrong. Or, it could be that God is simply telling me now to believe Him. I know He is putting all this in front of me for a reason. One of the people I was listening to said to call upon His promises and believe and Jesus would have to show up. So, I was like , okay. I can do that. I can. I am going to call upon His promises once again and not just speak the words but fully release the blood over my family once again. I won't just believe in Him, I will believe Him. Beth then went on to say that God would much rather have our "Help me with my unbelief." statements like the father uttered to Jesus after he said he believed and then Jesus gave him the look and he restated what was really going on internally "Help me with my unbelief." That made me feel better. I already knew that God could handle my honesty and would prefer that to any kind of fake pious I am good with the Lord statements because that would have been a big fat lie. So, thank you Beth.

I am going to a Place of Praise Conference this Friday in Jasper. A pastor I really love and respect is giving it and it is about coming back to a place of Praise after not doing just that. Which, I have not been praising while I have been sulking about wanting to know what the whole point of serving is if I have to live a life of poo while I treat Him like a treasure. Okay, so I have a little attitude left, but it's not much and it's disappearing which may I say is wonderful. Once again, I treasure your prayers for kitty and would love for you to ask your churches to pray for her. She has a lot of back pain. My poor baby, she does not deserve this and she is definitely going to need her faith and her Jesus. Mama too.

Love y'all,

Jenn

Scoliosis Diagnosis

2011-01-19T08:57:00.002-05:00

My last post was on Monday. Today is Wednesday. Well, Monday afternoon my 11 year old daughter Amber complained once again of her back hurting. She has been asking me to take her to the chiropractor for about a month now. In the first week of December my 18 year old daughter came and told me to look at Amber's back. She said Amber had a hump on her shoulder blade and she thought her spine was curved. I looked at it and I had a hard time following Amber's spine between her shoulder blades. She did indeed have a slight raised area over her shoulder blade. I was freaked out to say the least. I had my husband look at it and he said Amber was fine and we were all crazy. That sounded good to me and I lived in that happy denial for a few weeks. Then Amber on Monday said something about her back again. I had already committed to her to taking her during the week to see about it but when I looked at her back that morning I could not believe the size of the hump. I swear it was a significant hump then and there was not a doubt in my mind that my daughter was going to be diagnosed with scoliosis. I made the appt. that day. Sure enough, he diagnosed her with scoliosis and I balled my eyes out. Amber was in shock.

I told one of my friends who had been at my home that same day to chat with me and she immediately sprang into action. She called her chiropractor who has X Ray facilities which ours did not and had an appt. for Amber the next day. She discussed our financial circumstances with the doctor and the doctor said she would see Amber for a free consult and to please come in. So I pulled Amber out of school on Tuesday after I was done babysitting my mom who is disabled while my dad went to the doctor. The second chiropractor we saw said she wanted to X Ray Amber after looking at her. I said go ahead even though I was scared to death I could not pay for the X Ray. She took one X ray and let me see it. I promise you that when I saw Amber's spine my eyes about fell right out of my skull. IT WAS BAD. So the river of tears began again. She said Amber has a greater than 30% curvature of her spine. Her hips and her ribcage are rotating and her jaw line is even off. She said Amber has moderate scoliosis at this point but she is bad enough to need a specialist and she will have to wear a corset type brace immediately. From what I see on the Internet the brace is plastic or fiberglass and should be worn 23 hours a day. That is going to be ugly and I am wondering how painful this is going to be for my little Amber cat. How do you sleep in that thing? The effectiveness of the brace depends on the patients follow through on wearing it. We are talking a 11 year old girl here.

So, the doctor immediately said she was going to do full X ray's on Amber so we could take them to a chiropractor she recommends. She said all he does is see scoliosis patients and she has sent him 5 or 6 patients and he has straightened every one of them and then sent them back to her to maintain them. You see, this is a condition for life. Amber will have to deal with this forever and stay in shape forever, which the in shape thing isn't a bad thing for sure. Pregnancy will be tough but doable if we deal with this quickly. She did the X rays and you know I was freaking out because I had no money. It turns out that my friend had explained that we had no health insurance or money and the doctor did not charge for me a single penny for anything she did to Amber or the X rays. Again, the river of tears flowed. How could she not charge me for anything? She said she didn't need my money and Amber's back needed immediate treatment. Her curve is pretty bad. She has an S curve. Money did not need to be an issue getting Amber treatment. I was highly impressed with her compassion.

I am scheduling an appt. with the chiropractic specialist today for a consult. We are getting Amber peachcare ins. but the specialist does not take peachcare. She said that this specialist has an excellent success rate in getting the spines fairly straight again and that he is the only specialist like this in Atlanta. She called to get a ballpark cost on the European brace and we were told $3200 to $4000 and that we would need to do monthly adjustments on the brace to push her spine properly. Cash money, credit card (don't have any), regular insurance (don't have it), or they finance. My dad gave me a blank check. Again, the river of tears.

Mike wants us to schedule a consult with a pediatric orthopedist doctor to see what he would do in comparison to the chiropractor scoliosis specialist. I think he feels more secure with Amber seeing a doctor doctor versus a chiropractic doctor. But, my thinking is that this is not treatable by medicine. It is going to be treated by bracing by both doctors and by manipulating her spine. So, doesn't it just make sense to see a doctor whose sole job is manipulating spines? He only sees scoliosis patients and that is all he does for a living? The pediatric orthopedist does everything. I want a guy with a high success rate who only does scoliosis. So, to make Mike happy I will schedule consults with both. The lady chiropractor we saw yesterday said if we go to her recommended specialist that in order to save money she will do all X rays and adjustments to Amber's back and she works with the specialists office to know and do what he wants done as she has done with the other patients she refers. She will not charge me for a great deal of these adjustments because it would be too expensive for me and she does not want money to be an issue in Amber's treatment. She said her X rays will be cheaper than his so Amber would be seeing both of them and they would work together. You know, I like that. These people obviously care. Also, she called my home last night around 8 o'clock to see how we were all doing and taking the news. Holy cow, are you kidding me? NEVER had that happen before. I love this lady!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know I have to mention that when we left the chiropractors office on Monday afternoon from the initial diagnosis I forgot to make a turn to get me home on the quickest route because I was distracted and on this road as I came to my next turn there was a big brand new sign at a stop sign that said "Jesus Loves You." I laughed so hard and I sarcastically said "Thanks Jesus. I'm so glad that I am blessed and highly favored. If I wasn't I could have a daughter with a debilitating lifetime disease, a disabled parent dying a slow and painful death, a business with cash flow problems, customers who constantly don't pay us or cheat us, a church that spoke harshly to my family, financial problems, a stressed out husband..... oh wait, I do have all those things. I'd sure hate it if you didn't' love me Jesus."

I feel bad about that now. I truly do and I think perhaps God understands my frustration. I just don't understand why my family can never just be okay. Something is always wrong, never ending wrongness. It's not just one valley we walk through, we seem to live in the valley and never leave. I'm sick of the valley and I just feel so frustrated that I do what the word says and the stuff that says good things just don't seem to work. There are wonderful devoted followers rotting in Chinese prisons right now. They are beaten, I know of one beaten with a sledge hammer. His back and legs broken and he was just left there in his pain and misery and nobody ever took him to a doctor or set his bones. He just laid there for years. Can a dude like that not get a little angelic help? Anyhoo, I have been in the last day or so reconciling life with God's word. I'm wondering more if God just simply intervenes only when we are in danger of going off the path He has for us whether it is our choice or outside influences that will take us off that path. I am wondering if He is just mostly concerned with the plan He has on our lives for the gospel work He has for us to do and not so much everything else. In other words if we are on our path perhaps he only intervenes in our wordly lives in things that take us off the path. If I am doing His will for me and I get sick or my kids get sick with something really bad but God knows it will not take me from my path, maybe he just doesn't intervene. If my finances are a mess but He knows I am still sticking to the plan He has for me, maybe He just does not intervene. Maybe He is all consuming in our spiritual and relational lives and will direct us and give us His wisdom concerning ministry, sharing the gospel, and being about His business and the rest of our stuff is just up to us unless it is taking us out of His will and plans and then He steps in to say "Oh no child, I need to step in here." I don't know.

I do know that I was much happier and peaceful before we left our church and I felt angry and abandoned by God. Right after I decided to remove my family from a church that I felt was harmful everything in our business went to the dogs. I really felt alone and betrayed by God and may I say, extremely pissed that He would just leave me to rot. I was operating in His will, teaching ladies and kids and happy as a clam to do so. Our studies were awesome. Why did people have to be doody heads and ruin it all? And, as far as I can see my family did all the suffering and for what? Well, that's not so important I guess and one would think that I would be even more enraged that we have now been given the lovely blessing (NOT) of Amber's scoliosis diagnosis but I am too numb to be anymore of anything that I already am. I watched Joyce Meyer Tuesday night and she was so funny and I really needed that. I love that lady. I know that I want my peace back and that means getting myself right with God again. It's not like I can abandon Him. I know He is real and yes I am pretty upset with why He allows my life to stay in complete horribleness for YEARS. I can't even remember a time when things were just okay. I can remember lots of time spans when I didn't worry and relied on the Lord to get through and we got through but still, it was never okay. We just got through and I don't think I serve a God of just getting though. So, I wonder about Him. But, I just can't be mad at Him anymore. I don't have the energy or the inclination to do so. I've decided to get right and I made that decision Monday before I took Amber cat to the doctor so I feel good about that. It may be slow but I guess that's okay. It would be lovely to get some relief from the constant stress. It would be lovely not to watch my mom suffer daily anymore.

The upside to things is that our business is almost out of the caa caa poo poo and we are so busy that we are going to need to hire a guy or two. That is a mega blessing and one company we sub for has just fired the other two contractors they had working for them and are giving us all of their business and we just picked up another company to do the construction restoration work for them too. Sweet mercy, we may just actually be okay this year. Whoopty doo, I won't know what to do with myself. I think I'll be giddy and laugh and be happy and I really look forward to not having to worry about paying bills and making payroll. I look forward to seeing my husband smile more and not having to worry about paying kitty's medical bills. That would be a sweet sweet mercy ;)

Jenn

Heavenly Interactions

2011-01-11T14:20:00.004-05:00

For the past week I have been focusing on my experiences with the Lord and His realness. It's all I've pretty much got at this point to keep me going. I know He is real. I just don't understand Him anymore or how He works or His word. I was flickering through the channels on TV this morning and stopped at the 700 club, which I never watch, and a man was explaining that the guy Gordon ( I think that's his name ) was praying for a man who was watching who had pain in his left knee and that God was going to heal him. He said he was that man and that he was healed at that moment and he was on telling his story. He said it was God's goodness that came down and healed him. My instant thought was well then what the heck is it when God does not come down and heal you? Is it his badness? Which just goes to show I still have some major attitude issues me thinks. My mom is laying at home unable to walk, filled full of pain on a daily basis, oh Lord I could go on with her issues and us tripping over her oxygen cord daily and jerking it out of her nose or pulling on her ears and her howling, that part isn't funny but it kinda is ha ha. Well, she is a great lady. The best I ever met. So then I thought, where is His goodness there? I could go on to spout numerous theologies and scriptures that explain the guy's healing and my mom not receiving any even though she is a devout worshiper and avid good deed doer, etc. The point still remains from my last post in this......he was healed, my mom is not, where is God? He is in the man's life and health but not my moms. Again, I just don't understand how He works and it just hammered home to me again that if my mom had taken better care of her body when she was young she would not be suffering so much. So, it's still the point of we get what we have based on our own personal decision making and if we are supremely lucky God intervenes as he so chooses. It's the as he so chooses thing that messes me up. I can't imagine choosing here and there to help my kiddos. I would always help them. Yes, I know, Jesus was His son and He let Jesus suffer and die for us. Why should we not have to suffer......I never said we shouldn't. I think I am just mainly confused as to what part God plays in our life and how we can trust that any scripture other than salvation scriptures are truly applicable to us since He deals with us so differently.

I clearly remember my first heavenly conversation. Yes, it was an actual conversation. I was riding along in my green van in metro Atlanta listening to Star 94 and a thought popped into my head to turn it onto 104.7 The Fish. 104.7 was a brand new Christian radio station in Atlanta and I never EVER listened to Christian music on the radio. LAME-O music. After that thought popped into my head I clearly remember frowning and thinking "Where the heck did that come from? I'm not putting it on The Fish." Again it popped right back into my head "Put it on The Fish." I shook my head, confused. "I'm not putting it on the fish." I thought. I was getting a little confused at this point. Again it popped right back in "PUT IT ON THE FISH AND DON'T TAKE IT OFF UNTIL I TELL YOU." and this time it was like a shout in my head. I got angry with myself for these stupid thoughts and I said to myself "I'M NOT PUTTING IT ON THE FISH . I don't even like Christian music!" Why am I thinking even thinking these thoughts anyway? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't thinking those thoughts and having an argument with myself. I mean, who does that anyway? Certainly not me. Those were not my thoughts. Somebody was talking to me. I knew it like I knew my name. When it registered that this was something heavenly speaking to me I just nodded to myself and said "OK." I put it straight onto 104.7 The Fish and the thought was there again. "Leave it on The Fish and you can listen to regular music when I tell you." Thankfully, The Fish plays contemporary Christian music and I actually liked it. I listened to nothing but The Fish for years. That was not me talking to myself. I had never argued with myself before and never have since. No, it was a heavenly conversation and a conversation it was. It spoke, I spoke. As a really funny side note, as this was in January I believe, every November after Thanksgiving The Fish plays nothing but Christmas music. Good heavens, I can't take more than 3 minutes of Christmas music so when I couldn't take it anymore I prayed and asked the Lord if I could listen to Talk Radio too ha ha. Almost immediately the word Yes popped in. Now, anyone can say I did that answer myself. But, I know I didn't and I was really thankful for Neal Boortz and a much younger Glen Beck who amused me with all his yelling on the radio. It was years later that out of the blue a thought popped into my head with this "You can listen to regular radio now." I laughed so hard. My kids were very grateful and I did a 80/20 split on Christian/regular radio then. That time for me was time of long commutes as I worked downtown by the Governor's mansion and lived an hour and a half up north. I spent 3 hours a day singing worship and having fellowship with the Lord and I think that's pretty cool that God invited/told me that I need to do that with Him. It was a special time and I grew a lot during that time of singing in the car. Yes, I sing in the car, quite loudly when I am alone lol.

Most recently though in the Spring of 2010 I would guess an old church acquaintance posted on FB to please pray for Bishop Johnson who was in the hospital dying. He was a great man of God with a strong passion for mission work. He was a pretty cool dude too. I immediately began to pray in earnest for him. I was in my living room and my kids were sitting on the couch near me watching TV. Not long after I began to pray for Bishop a very intense strong smell began to invade my nostrils and my mouth. It was the sweetest strongest smell of roses I had ever smelt. It was so strong I could taste it. It began to be so overwhelming that it was hard to pray anymore and I immediately thought "Oh great, Amber has gone and sprayed too much perfume AGAIN and I am trying to pray here." I stopped praying and opened my eyes so I could tell Amber to leave the room and go get in the shower. Yeah, no Amber in the room and the smell was almost instantly gone. I still had the taste of sweet roses in my mouth though. I asked my kids if Amber had come in the room. They said no. I asked them if they could smell the roses. They looked at me like I was nuts. They said they couldn't smell anything. The taste in my mouth went away quickly and I was freaked out beyond belief. I immediately FB messaged my Pastor friend lady who had posted the request to pray and told her what happened to me and that no I was not a crazy person and what the heck in Sam wheat had just happened to me. She told me that it was a scent from Heaven and that an angel must have come to collect my prayer directly. I googled the smell of roses while praying and it took me to Catholic sites that explained that the scent is believed to accompany angels and Jesus. Well, I am such a logical person and a realist, you know I just don't believe every thing I am told. I study and I research and I am no pushover so it's not like I just say oh, okay that's what it was and believe it at that. But, I promise you, I felt something while I was praying and completely overcome with the most strongest sweetest scent of roses you can't even begin to imagine and I don't need much convincing here that something from Heaven was in my living room that night as I was praying and I will treasure that experience forever. That must truly be unique and I treasure it as so.

So, I know God is real. Knowing all this you would think I shouldn't be having this problem but yet, here I am confused about how to be a Christian and what part of my life God is active in. I think I am almost decided on re reading the Bible for the fourth or fifth time, I can't even remember anymore and I am going to focus in on scripture that is a blanket statement by God, Jesus or a prophet that applies to everyone and not just a specific person or group of people. I am not entirely sure if I came up with that idea or if God put it there as I have a somewhat sarcastic attitude problem at the moment and there may be some static on our communication channels. But, it can't hurt and I hope I can grow out of this and stop being stupid. I don't think I have a problem being Christian or believing. I just don't get how to do it as I was living a false reality before. Or I think I was at least. I do know one thing now though, I have to just believe in myself and my husband and we have to do everything ourselves and rely on our wisdom and I have to try to fit God into that daily reality. I used to make God my reality and believe that He would give us the wisdom and instruction on what was the best thing to do. I see that in our case at least, that is not true and evident. So, I think I am really frustrated and confused on switching to relying on our abilities and not God as much. I appreciate all the prayers on my behalf. I really do because I tell ya, with all truth there is something that whispers to me daily that it is all just lies and nonsense. I'd like to believe that is my attitude and not something evil paying attention to me and talking to me. But I do wonder.....and I will NEVER stop believing in God and Jesus and I just tell it to shut up and go away.

p.s. We are snowed in day 2 here in the Atlanta area. I don't know how you Northerners do it. Tired of snow but we had a blast sledding down the backyard yesterday.

I do not know how to be a Christian anyore.

2011-01-03T08:21:00.002-05:00

If Satan asked to sift Peter as wheat I feel as though he may have asked to run me across a cheese grater. Seriously. You know how you have a nice whole block of cheese and then you run it across a cheese grater? What happens to that whole, solid and firm block of cheese? It is turned into a pile of seperate bits, completely unwhole. Just little bits and pieces scattered about. I feel that like spiritually.

I cannot even fathom how I got to this place of being completely unable to do Christianity anymore. I want to do it. I just don't know how to do it anymore.

I feel like there is this huge battle being waged in my mind over whether the Bible is even all really real or not. This from the girl whose read the dern book several times and teaches classes. Well, not anymore. I feel myself having to fend off thoughts that the whole thing is just a bunch of bull poop. It is horrible. Unbelievably horrible.

I am so grateful that I have had so many experiences with that God that I can fend that off. I know He is real. I have experienced things and answer to prayer that was so specific that there was just no way it was anything other than God. Prayer answerings aside, I have experienced Him in ways that I know for a fact that he is undeniably real. Thankfully.

Why don't I know how to be a Christian anymore?

First, there is an out for every promise in the Bible except salvation and even a lot of Christians will say that your salvation is contingent on staying in relationship with the Lord and you can lose your salvation by not worshiping. So. What do you do with that? I'll get more into the outs in a sec.

Secondly and most importantly, I have always been taught that I should rely on the Lord for everything. He is my source and strength. He is my healer. He is my provider. He is my help. He is my shield. I should walk in His ways and He will make my paths straight. He is my light. He and the Holy Spirit are my Counselor and Teacher. If I seek Him with all of my heart, I will find him. Let's just have a little lookey at the good old standby of Jeremiah 29:11 &12.

Jeremiah 29:11-12 (New King James Version)
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.

Here's the rest...
13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the LORD, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.

We all just love Jeremiah 29:11 but I have always thought it was important to include the rest about doing it with your whole heart part too. BUT, I ask myself this question now "What if that Scripture was not for all of us?" "What if, that was only meant for the Israelites who were in captivity at that time that those words were being directly spoken to. Because that was not a blanket statement made by God. He was directing those words to a specific group of people, the Israelites who were in captivity and God wanted to bring them back. What if it was just meant for them?"

Here's the real deal. I have spent years and years believing that if I put God first, worshiped him wholly with a heart of just wanting Him & not what He could do for me but just wanting Him, and being a sweet little Christian girl, trying to follow His will for my life that God would direct me. He would take me down the path I need to be on. He would help me. He would give me wisdom when I need it. He would give me knowledge when I do not know what to do or how to understand something. I don't think doing all that allows me to have a life that is a bed of roses because my life has never been roses. I've never had it easy since I left home at 16. NEVER. So, my confusion is not that I do what the Word says I should do and my life is not a bed of roses. My complete and utter confusion is that I do not find any of that to be true in my life. The above promises.

What I have come to realize is that I have to do everything for myself. I have to rely solely on myself for every little thing. AND, everything the bible teaches me says the opposite. That God should be what I rely on. That I should look to Him and what I see is that the only thing I can look to is me. So, if I am trusting in myself how am I trusting in God? If I have to rely on myself for everything what am I relying on God for? If I am my only source of security based off my own decisions and actions then how is God my security? I mean seriously, this has really rocked my Christian world. I have come to realize that the only way you get anything is to get it yourself. The only way you have security is to secure it yourself. The only way is by ourselves and I see absolutely no favor or help extended towards Christians. What I see is people get what they have based on their own personal decision making and actions, not by having a pure heart of worship and putting God first and then God guides them to give them that peace, hope and a future like Jeremiah says. Jesus talks about wanting to give us an abundant life. Why do so many Christians lives suck then? Which leads us into the out for all the promises which highly confuses me. I'll do this if you do that. Oh, well they aren't really devoted we say....those promises are only for those who passionately pursue God daily. Well, I know plenty of people including myself who do that and our lives suck too.

Then we have this out, my favorite out, God does not promise our rewards in this lifetime. OH, okay, so all the stuff in the Bible that talks about anything good is meant for when we get to Heaven. Okay, well not true. There are plenty of references about God and Jesus caring about our welfare right here on this earth. God seemed to love to bless and give abundance to the people in the Bible.

This out confuses me too, I will have mercy on whom I choose to have mercy. This tells us a lot. There is no blanket procedural standard for which God deals with us. We are all treated differently. My last post on David vs. Moses I really started to deal with my confusion over how completely differently God deals with each of us. Two people can commit the same sin and be dealt with completely differently. One can commit a sin we may think is pretty minor and forgivable and have to die for it. Another can commit adultery, murder, etc and get to be king and thrive in abundance. So if we are all dealt with differently how can you look at a scripture and reasonably assume that if you follow it that it will apply to you? Because lets' face it too, most of scripture is being directed to a certain people or person. What was being said may have actually been just for them.

The root of this is the horribleness of what happened at my last church and us having to leave. The effects of my old Pastor's actions and the congregation continue to shake my Christian world. So, my old Pastor gets to nag and drive someone away from the Lord and my husband has to be hurt, have no community connection to the Lord and gets emotionally destroyed and the Pastor gets to continue on and thrive. Why is that? Why? What I see is no dealing with us at all, I see us doing what we want and the results we get are based off what we do and nothing else. I see people have good marriages or bad marriages based solely off the good or bad decision making they did when they chose a partner. I see people thrive or fail based solely off their own personal decision making. And what about that Christian community anyway? Not one phone call, not one anything from anyone asking what happened to us? I poured my whole self into prayer and study and listening to the Holy Spirit guide me as I wrote the ladies bible studies and the ladies who came to the ladies bible studies told me how much they loved them and that they impacted their lives. They all loved to tell me how much they loved me. Bull poopy! I disappear and not a word. So, wow, thanks for loving me people.

Then I look at how my husband and I are struggling with our business and how hard my husband works and I ask myself.....where is the favor of the Lord? Why doesn't he help us? It's not that I even want Him to do something supernatural and make us rich or anything. I would like a little help, a little protection. We are plagued with people who continually cheat us, don't pay us, take advantage of us, and want everything in the world for nothing. I have served and put God first for years and years, where is our abundant life? If we want anything we have to use our own wisdom and go do it for ourselves. We work, with the exception of the last 2 years where I work from home for my husband I never worked less than 50 hours a week and that was the minimum. So, never let it be thought that I just want to lay around and wait on God to tell me what to do and then I go do it and he blesses the poo out of it. I am not like that. I worked like a freakin animal my whole life. I'm not sitting around waiting to be blessed. But what I have come to realize is that my life is not what it is because of anything I do with God or my faith. My life is what it is based off of the people in my life, the decisions I make and the people I come into contact with and nothing else.

So, what I am supremely confused about is what role God has in my life here on this earth. I have spent all day every day focusing my trust and direction coming from the Lord. What I see is that I have to do everything myself. So, if my happiness, my good marriage, my finances, my parenting all are based off of me, my decisions, what am I relying on Him for? I have to do it myself and I have spent years and years believing that I should rely on Him and not myself. That my security should lie in God and not me and my wisdom. But what I see is that my life is great or stinky because of my wisdom.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 is my life scripture. I personalize it and say it all the time. I will trust in the Lord will all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge you and you will make my paths straight.

I am not supposed to trust in my own understanding. I am supposed to trust Him and believe He will guide my path. I should place myself in His custody and rely on Him to take me where I need to be. Well, I've done that and still am not on any path that is good and beneficial for me or my family. The only path I can see God has taken me on is a spiritual path. He has guided me to places that I could do His will in church or help others. What I also see is that perhaps this path is a spiritual one and not a worldly one. Perhaps, what happens to me worldly wise is based off my own doing and what happens to me spiritually is based off my faith and interaction with the Lord. I am not sure. What I do know is that my life is hard. My life has always been hard. I know I honestly can say that I worshiped out of love and sought the Lord just because I wanted more of Him. I wasn't looking for results. But, I do get frustrated at the fact that I see promises in the Bible and I think I fulfill my part and yet, I do not see the promise. All I see is the out for the promise. I see mean nasty people, even mean nasty church people thriving and beautiful people inside living crappy hard lives.

So, my realization, my reality is that I can no longer live my life placing my entire trust that whatever happens to me is in the Lord's hands and rely on Him for everything in my life. I don't know how to do that. And, if God is the supreme ruler of the Universe, if He is sovereign and we were created for relationship why wouldn't He be fully involved in our worldly lives. I am just supremely wildly confused as to what part God plays in my life. I don't know how to worship relying on me and trusting in me and also trusting and relying on Him. How do I do both? How do I know whatever happens to me is based off my actions and yet place my life in His hands? I don't get it. I don't know how to do both. Was I taught wrong? Did I understand the Bible wrong? Hmmm, I have no answers. I can't pray and I don't anymore hardly at all. I pick up my Bible still a couple days a week. I am torn and a wild hot mess. I just don't know how to not look to Him and me. I just know how to look to Him. UGH. Well, let's see how this goes. It should be interesting.

David vs. Moses

2010-12-10T15:41:00.004-05:00

I've been studying in the books of Samuel and Kings and it struck me the varying degrees for which one is punished or blessed. I've never thought it was fair when David has the guy killed for killing Saul. I mean, Saul was dying and suffering horribly I am sure. He begged the man to kill him quickly and put him out of his misery as the enemy was almost upon Saul and they would have surely tortured him and killed him much more cruelly. I can't see this act as anything other than mercy towards Saul. Never mind that Saul asked the guy to finish the job. So this guy has to die for his "sin" and there is no second chance for him. No chance to repent or be educated that in David's opinion it was a sin to kill the Lord's anointed even though he was already dying and begging to be put out of his misery. No chance for this guy at all and I personally don't see what he did wrong. I would have done the same thing.

But let's look at David for a moment shall we? He's up on the roof, sees a naked lady and does not do the right thing by leaving or turning away. No, he keeps watching her bathe and lusts after her. Probably has some nice fantasies about another man's wife and then decides to just have his dudes go get her from her home. He is instructed that she is Uriah's wife and does David care? NO. He brings her over to the palace, has sex with her, gets her pregnant and then tries to arrange it so that Uriah can sleep with his wife and then he will think the baby is his. But it doesn't work out 'cause Uriah is a stand up guy and does not go home to have sex with his wife because he doesn't think it would be right considering how the other men are fighting. So, being unable to pass his baby off as Uriah's David just arranges for Uriah to be killed by sending him to the worst place in the battle knowing he would die. Let's call it murder shall we? Now we know the Lord punishes David and Bathsheba by taking the life of the baby they conceived together but what about David? When contrasting David's actions and the actions of the guy who put King Saul who was already dying, in misery, with the enemy upon him who would have finished him off in a horrible manor and was begging this guy to kill him, well..... I have to ask...... who deserved to be put to death more? Surely by our standards it would be King David. But that's not the way it works. Why I wonder?

Then we have the contrast between Moses and King David. Both men called by God to do great things. Poor Moses has to put up with those complaining stiff necked never happy about anything Israelites for 40 years. I do not know how he kept his cool like he did for the forty years that he did. But at the end of the 40 years, just before they get to the promise land Moses gets fed up. He loses his cool, has what I call a meltdown of sorts and in his anger does not do what God asks and he just strikes the rock so that the water can come out. You know, to be honest here, I have never understood why Moses had to die. I get that he sinned by his action. But it was one action. One mistake and can we really blame him? Look at what he was travelling with for those 40 years. Those people were so obnoxious God kept killing them off with all sorts of plagues and deadly snakes because the ticked God off so bad. Remember when they made God so mad he was going to just kill them all and Moses begged God not to do such a thing! I mean can't God grant a little mercy to Moses for his moment of getting sick of them too? I don't get it. I don't have to get it either, I know that. But I can't quite learn from this lesson either because I don't get it. So relatively speaking Moses didn't really do anything that bad and he has to die but David commits this heinous crime/crimes and he gets to prosper, be King, and live in the palace, etc. In our understanding shouldn't Moses be able to be forgiven that sin of his if David could be forgiven his terrible sins?

Then I wonder....if God has a really great plan for you and you haven't completed it yet and you sin terribly do you not have to suffer the same punishment as say someone who has already completed their great task and just are done as far as their plan is concerned. What I mean is that Moses was at the end of the task God had for him so when he sinned and God didn't need him to lead his people into the promise land anymore because they were pretty much already there does he have to punished more severely because he wasn't needed anymore in the grand scheme of things? David was only in the beginning of what God had planned for him to do so when David sinned was he not killed and/or given much grace and mercy because he had not yet completed what God had for him to do? If David was at the end of his reign, Solomon had already been born and he committed the same sin as listed above I wonder what God would have done? Why such a different set of standards for Moses and David? Both men were extremely devoted friends of the Lord but they were not dealt with in the same manor in my personal humble confused opinion. I may be wrong, please tell me what I do not understand if I am wrong.

I just look at Shimei (I think that's how you spell it.) and he was killed for yelling obscenities at King David and throwing stones at him and his troops when David fled the kingdom because Absolom was being a jerk and trying to take over. When David comes back Shimei apologizes and begs for mercy. David gives it to him but on his death bed asks Solomon to deal with Shimei in his own wisdom. Shimei is eventually killed because Solomon tells him that if he leaves his designated area he is dead meat. Well don't you just know that Shimei left his area eventually because 2 of his slaves ran away and he went to go get them and he got whacked for it. But I look at this story and I see unforgiveness on David's part and this unforgiveness leads to a man having to die for what? He yelled obscenities and threw some rocks. What David did to Uriah and his family was so much worse and yet David didn't feel any particular need to off himself for his terrible behavior. All these men serve the same God. All of these men's sins were dealt with in completely different ways.

How does one truly understand the Bible and the things in it when they seem to apply so differently to each one of us. It really confuses me. I don't doubt the Bible or God. I'm not saying that but when we tell people that if you do this then God will do that are we really being truthful? Do we really know that is true because we can see it in mass application in Christian masses? If you have a greater plan for you life do you get to get away with more sin because God is doing something great with you?

A quick mention, at first I thought perhaps David was forgiven so much because he was repentant but as far as David was concerned Shimei was repentant too. He bowed on the ground and begged for forgiveness. David said he gave it and yet did he really? As soon as he was on his death bed he is all like "Hey Solomon, remember that jerk with the stones? Deal with him even though it's been tons of years since it happened." I don't get why he was not extended the same mercy since he had acknowledged his sin and repented.

The old testament always confuses me this way and this is probably why I mainly stay in the New Testament. It seems like in the Old Testament there is a different set of blessings and punishments for each individual. Which really makes it hard to understand prosperity also. Hmmm, well just the stuff I am pondering lately. I am probably going to finish 1 Kings then read 2 Kings and then ask for some wisdom and read the 4 books of Samuel and Kings again. Maybe it will make more sense to me then? A little insight would be lovely.

Jenn

Poop

2010-12-09T15:25:00.004-05:00

Random ponderings that are irritating the poop out of me these days:

If you're not doing it my way or living up to what I have attained and learned you aren't doing it right.
Okay, so what the heck is up with that anyway? Even my Facebook home page is filled with "no offense but" statements declaring what others are doing to be unchristian or just plain stupid. And, if you have to insert "no offense but" or "not trying to be judgemental here but", um, you should probably just delete what you've already written because it is offense and/or judgemental. Umkay? There was a time where I did/watched/said certain things and I was Christian and guess what? God showed me that I did not need to participate in those things as I walked my road with him and he is sure enough capable of doing that with everyone else too. And, if someone had just publicly spanked me on Facebook calling me out for my terrible sin I would probably just do it more and think that person was a judgemental hypocritical jerk. A kind and encouraging word sharing how God changed you in that area in a private setting is a much better way to share with someone that they may be doing something displeasing to the Lord and not even realize it. But, what do I know. Even at church from the pulpit I hear it. My last church was all about attendance and performance and if you weren't up to Pastor's standards of what he thought a Christian should be doing he sure enough let you know about it. Well, that's crap too. Young newbie Christians can't behave and have the same intimate walk with the Lord as us mature folk and let's be honest here, us mature Christians are so way far from perfect so we should probably just shut up most of the time and just pray for people we think need help and work on the plank in our own eye. Yeah. So tired of hearing people pass judgement. So tired of mature Christians berating those who have not attained their own personal spiritual maturity. My new church even gets onto church goers if they aren't worshiping interactively enough during praise and worship! Sheesh people, some people are just reserved okay? Good Lord! Shut up shut up shut up, everyone does not have to do worship the same way. Argh.

Sarah Palin yammering on about going hunting to fill your freezer if you don't have food.
Okay, I like Sarah Palin but she needs to get a clue. Love her reality show but lady, I don't hunt and I am not going to hunt and just because you do and fill your freezer with dead animals that you personally killed does not make you better than anyone else. I can see she would deny anyone food stamps and tell them to just go kill something or scrape roadkill off the highway. She is getting on my nerves with the whole go get your own food from the wild thing and don't' depend on others to do it for you. Whatever lady.

I am not a bank!
I am not sure why, okay yes I do know why, my husband is a softie and everyone and their mother keeps asking us for money this year and hello people, I am all tapped out now. So I cannot even afford Christmas presents for my kids this year and yet the requests keep coming and yes, these people know I live week to week money wise. I want to declare next year the year of NO FAVORS and NO MONEY but who am I kidding? Mike would give the shirt off his back and that's about where we are at and I wish people would go find another source for cash and stop bankrupting my family. Thank you very much. I am all about charity and paying for people to get stuff they need but when you ask for us to do that knowing we won't be able to do it for our own selves why would you do that to my family?????? HMMMM?????? Oh it feels good to let that out.

IMy Depo shots are making me a crazy lunatic.
So I went to get my second dose of Depo (birth control shot given once every 3 months) and they asked me if I had been experiencing any irritability and severe mood swings. My eyebrows immediately shot up and I said "What?" She repeats the question and I said "YES! Is this shot what is doing that to me"? She says yes. Yes, she says. Okay so I have been an lunatic for the past 3 months and you don't bother to tell me that this shot makes women grouchy? What the fluff? I am like a psycho these days with my grouchiness. I didn't know what to do! I cannot take the pill anymore because I have high blood pressure now (what the fluff is that all about?) and my husband won't wear a condom and I'd like to not be married and celibate so I took another shot. YEAH, Jennifer can continue on her lunatic mass emotional hysterical reign of terror through February. GREAT. She wants to give me and I.U.D. That whole insertion process sounds painful. Why can't my stupid baby husband just get a vasectomy? I have had my vagina ripped apart 4 times birthing HIS kids, can he not get a little snippy in his dingle doodle in an outpatient procedure? UGH. I'm such a moody witchy poo these days he might just take the celibate option ha ha. I probably wouldn't want to pork me either these days. I hate hormones.

Okay, I'm done.

Jenn

Performance or Heart...Order of importance?

2010-12-02T18:54:00.004-05:00

My sweet little Amber will be turning 11 on Friday, December 3. Happy Birthday Amber!!

My little Braxton poo turned 4 on November 20. What's a birthday without a trip to the Olive Garden?

Unfortunately, I will be turning 41 on December 21. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Turning was 40 was so traumatic. I am a little frightened to see what 41 is going to look like. Maybe 41 will be the year of acceptance? Hmmmm...... Or, things can continue to break down and fall down. Good grief. The good news is that if I keep my shoulders straight and lift my arms up my boobs pop right back up like they used to be ha ha. Lord help me.

Spiritually, I find myself in a predicament. Since the whole mess with church and us leaving I find myself being unable to connect mentally to worship. Why is that I wonder? I know that God didn't do anything offensive to us, a Pastor did. I do not even relate the two together. Oddly enough I find myself excited to go every Sunday morning but completely resistant to going on Wednesday nights. My new church which was the church that I went to before I left the one I just did, does not have service on Sunday nights except for the first Sunday of the month. I have to admit that I do not understand that at all, We used to have service every Sunday night and then 2 years ago it changed to only one Sunday a month. Weird.

I do not even really want to read my Bible anymore. I still do, but maybe only like 3 or 4 days a week now. I did read the book The Case for Christ last week too but still, I just feel very distant mentally from worship and from the Lord. I know this is all me, I am just not sure why I am doing it. I was pondering if this may in fact be a good thing. I think perhaps I need some reprogramming of sorts. When I went to True Life before every time I was there it was consistently because I wanted to be there. When I switched to Hillside because my husband wanted to go there, at some point in time the church seemed to morph into church attendance being the absolute be all and end all in the validation of one's Christianity. It was always mentioned to me about my husband not being with me every single time he did not attend and if I missed for any reason there was always an email by Sunday night or Monday, a Facebook message and the next time I did walk through the doors it was most certainly mentioned that I was missed at the last service. I think it happened so slowly that I did not perhaps realize that I was no longer going at some point because I wanted to but because I felt like I had to. I also didn't want anyone to think I was a bad Christian! I mean my goodness, I was trying to grow the ladies bible class I was teaching, how could I do that if people thought I was not a faithful follower?

Now that I have left and I am back at True Life I realize that the other church was more about performance and not the true nature of the heart. True Life is so much about interactive worship, it is all about the heart. The other church was definitely about the heart and all but it was more performance driven as far as church attendance goes. I think perhaps I am pulling back a bit because I want to fall in love with worship and church again. I am not sure.

I was really super super super angry at our previous Pastor but I have to say that I am really pleased that I was able to control myself and I only shared with two people what happened and why I left. One was a close and trusted friend who invited us to go there to begin with and the other was the Associate Pastor's wife. The only other thing I did was blog about it which nobody around here even reads or knows about. So.....I felt like it was important that it remain private and then I felt led to study Samuel. I knew the Lord had a message for me when I was at the part where David refuses to do anything to the Lord's anointed. I was like....... you know that applies to me too. My Pastor did something really awful and it was not acceptable and I took my family out of his church. BUT, he is anointed and called by God to do the Lord's work and just because he made a mistake does not mean I am entitled to discredit him or malign his name. I will not harm the Lord's anointed.

I truly believe the two books of Samuel are just the most awesomely lesson packed books in the Bible. I love me some Samuel. Those books never get old. So, God put it in me pretty good to get over it and leave the man alone. Which I have enough tact to do anyway but I felt comforted by the fact that God acknowledged that He is well aware of what happened and that it is for Him to deal with and not me. Okie dokie.

I still find it disturbing that I do not want to venture out for the midweek services though. I also have to include that I find it very difficult to pray anymore either. That really bothers me. I find my thoughts drifting as I pray. I cannot stay focused as I pray. I really am not quite sure what I am going through over here. I think perhaps this whole mess with my Pastor being so cruel to my husband and us leaving has affected me more than I thought at first. Which is also odd for me because I am a survivor type personality. I just do what needs to be done, period. I would not consider myself to be weak at all. Actually, that's pretty funny, me and weak? Um, no. SO, what the heck is wrong with me?

We do not even want to discuss my husband's attitude about anything churchy now. Which is what really angers me. I really wish people would just shut up more and worry about the plank in their own eye. And, if you think you don't have any planks.... Lord help you because you are in serious trouble. Everyone has a plank or two. I may have 10 or 12 ha ha.

Well, that's where I am at these days. Confused and approaching another horrifying birthday.

Loving Returning to True Life

2010-11-12T19:54:00.004-05:00

This is what I would consider to be my home church. I LOVE this church. I was so incredibly sad when I left it about a year and a half ago to visit a church my husband wanted to try. My husband does not care too much for this church because a great majority of the people are totally surrendered to God and are completely unashamed to worship openly, rush to the altar at any point in the service, cry, whatever. They really love to get their music on at this church too ha ha. Singing lasts 45 minutes or so and it is super super awesome. I always sang in the choir at this church and I loved it so much. I loved the people I sang with too. Oh the good ole days. Anyhoo, hubby does not like singing that long and it makes him a little uncomfortable when the congregation gets a little excited at some services and we get our Jesus on so to speak. But I was so excited to be able to go back to True Life this past Sunday with my parents who still attend there.

I felt like I was back home. Yes indeedy I did. I did fully enjoy my old church and the people there but as I have said many times before I could never get into the music they sang at the church I just left. I cannot stand bluegrass or old southern gospel and that was mostly what we sang there. Dude, I could not honestly ever worship during the music time there so I left the choir at that church because I feel like the choir should consist of worshipers and I most definitely could not worship singing old country gospel. Sorry. I tried to explain it to them like this: You hate heavy metal right, well try singing those lyrics to heavy metal. You couldn't worship much either could you? So......Well it was so completely awesome to worship to modern contemporary music last Sunday! YES!!!!! Loved it. Not knocking the old church, hey, they all loved it and my husband loved it and that was all that mattered. I wasn't there for the music so no biggy.

I knew I was back in the right place too when everyone was so excited to see me and I received lots and lots of big super duper hugs. And, not one of the wonderful people there did not ask me to account for the last year and a half of my life. Not a single one. That was such a beautiful experience for me considering that I could never walk through the doors of my last church without being asked where one of the members of my family were if we were not all there and that was for all 3 weekly services. What a pain in the rear that was! It was like a little confirmation and gift from God that they were all just so happy to see me and had nothing but positive to say. I was so used to having to give an account for where I was if I missed a single service that it seemed incredulous to me that after a year and a half nobody asked where I had been. That is the way it should be, goodness I do love those people.

I also about wet myself when the Pastor, who was preaching on Grace, said you will run into people all the time who will be or tell you that they are more holy than you are and they will have no problems telling you that you aren't doing everything right. Well, those people can never be so holy and perfect that they can cheat you out of eternity with Jesus. YES!!!!!!!!! I promise you that was a sweet precious gift from God for moi. Oh yes, I wish my husband could have been there to hear that. All they could do at the church we just left was tell him constantly that he wasn't doing it right. Oh how certain people need to be emailed the link for that sermon as soon as it is available online. Just sayin..... I have gone to the church website before and watched Pastor Ryan's sermons online. Boy is he a great preacher. Here is the link if you want to check it out http://www.mytruelifechurch.org/newsite/index-5.html.

I had such a great time seeing old friends and I cannot wait to go back this Sunday morning. I was going to visit another church during the weeknight service to visit some other old friends but I was a wee bit sick and my mom wanted me to come visit her so I did. I cannot wait to go visit Faithpointe Church in Woodstock this coming Thursday night and see more old friends. Pastor Seth is a fantastic teaching preacher and he is so funny too. He cracks me up and I took more notes during his sermons than anyone else's. He used to preach at True Life but he started his own church about a year ago and they just moved into a new building last Sunday. I guess his church is doing great, no surprise there. What a great preacher and teacher all at the same time. Love his wife too. Can't wait to see everyone. I am quite certain I will make True Life my home again and it sure felt like home but I want to go hang out at the weeknight services with old friends at other churches and just relax a bit about where I end up. I am leaving it up to the Lord of course but I can't lie, True Life still feels like home. Just pulling into the parking lot made me smile super big and I practically leaped out of my car trying to get into the doors. I knew the candy man, his nickname, would be waiting at the door like always waiting to greet and hug. Sure enough, there he was and I couldn't have been more happy and he was so happy to see me. Oh how I love everyone there and the spirit of worship there is like no place else I have ever been. Love it love it love it.

I am happy to say that my nervous stomach and the shakes have stopped. I was so in shock from the events that led up to my deciding to leave our old church that they shook me so much it made me sick! I really hated that nervous shaky feeling, I couldn't sleep for days. It has been so upsetting for me to leave our church. My husband loved going there so much and he was growing in his personal relationship with the Lord. I am devastated that they nagged him and became so negative with him that it has ended now. I do not know how to deal with all of that but I do know that I can pray about it and God will make a way for Mike. I am not going to worry about how to work it all out. I am just giving it all to the Lord. He knows better than I do, right?

I am so grateful that I have True Life to go back to. I cannot imagine how much more devastating this would be if I did not have any clue where to go attend church. I don't know what aspect of serving I will end up in at True Life but it will be exciting to see how it all works out. Can't wait.

Jenn

It Was Inevitable, Unfortunately.

2010-11-03T15:35:00.004-04:00

It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I knew it was going to happen. I tried to stop it, I really did. But alas, the inevitable has happened and I must leave my church. I am beyond upset. I am livid and then I am calm. Up and down. My emotions are twisted up but one thing has remained a constant since Sunday afternoon. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot stay at my church. I can no longer tolerate the manner in which they speak of and treat my husband. I am so done.

I have blogged a few times about my frustration with the nagging and negative comments my husband receives and I also receive about his church attendance. Which may I say is NO BODY'S business but his and the Lord. However, my Pastor and a few others for whatever reason believe that if you do not show up for church and that includes all 3 services that there had better be a good reason why and you should expect to explain yourself the next time you do show up. What? I've been in church my whole life and I have never seen anything like this and it has always bothered me but I loved going there so much that I just didn't let it bother me enough to be an issue. But seriously, church members are not employees, we should not have to explain ourselves for not showing up. It is no body's business where I was on Sunday night if I did not come. I should not have to hear any single comment about how my presence was missed. And, I used to think it was a genuine "We missed you at service Wednesday night." but in the last couple of months I have begun to recognize it as more of a rebuke than a genuine we missed you. Rude.

My husband has always done his own thing with God until the last year or so. He had a real and genuine experience with Jesus and he began giving church a try. He liked going a lot too. I was thrilled! He was doing door to door ministry with the men, he was having a great time of learning and experiencing how wonderful church can be. It was really great. Mike has always been a Christian, he just doesn't like going to church. And, y'all I can have a theological discussion with him and he is not clueless at all. He knows what Jesus is all about, he has some major awesome faith and he lives his life beautifully reflecting what a good Christian should be doing at home and in the community and not the least of which is the workplace. He truly treats others as he would want to be treated. He is a great guy, a great hubby and a great dad. But, this is not good enough for our Pastor. No, apparently you are on your way to hell or backsliding if you are not there ever single Sunday morning and as many other services as you can make. At the very least, it is mandatory to be there every single Sunday morning or the "Great Interrogation" ensues.

You see, I can so understand the genuine good place our Pastor is coming from. He just truly wants his flock to have the best, fullest most wonderful Christian life and relationship with the Lord. He really does. I believe that. You can't have that great, blessed and fulfilling life without personal relationship and being in the will of the Lord. I get that. BUT, what he forgets is that all of our Christian walks have a beginning, a middle and an end. From what I can see, he has forgotten about that whole middle part. How many of us had unfaltering Christian walks? How many of us have never taken a break from Church for whatever reason? Few Christians have gotten saved and then went to church every single Sunday morning for the rest of their lives. When someone has a real experience with Jesus and begins going to church they are on fire. They volunteer for lots of stuff usually. They want to tell everyone about Jesus, etc. But then what happens? Yes, the newness wears off and they begin to settle down a bit. They also tire out from working all day and then going to several services a week and also doing the volunteering they signed up for. So, they back off a bit.

This is where things got hairy for us. Instead of understanding this process and letting the hubs and the Lord work this out between themselves our Pastor gets concerned and nags him to death. "Where were you?" "You can't slack off from coming to church. You need to be the spiritual leader in your home." "You are endangering yourself to backsliding." I mean, I could go on. It just does not end. Why can't he just let a somewhat new convert find his place and work through the path he needs to take. We need to let other Christians have their middles just as we had our middles. You can't stand in the pulpit and talk about how you strayed and then berate a perfectly good new convert for missing a Sunday. Dude, he was just tired and he is just beginning this Church stuff. It's not as important to him yet as it is to you. GIVE IT TIME. But no, we have to nag and make things so negative that now my hubs no longer even wants to go to church because he does not want to hear first off, the where were yous, and then the "let me tell you all about the terrible things that are going to happen to you if you don't come here every single Sunday stuff". Um, of course he doesn't want to go to church anymore. He does not want to listen to YOUR NAGGING! Der.....

So now, in your zeal to keep him in church he has zero desire to even darken the doors of a church because it has become a place of nagging and condemnation. Oh and if it was only the Pastor that might be bearable. But, in the small foyer the men gather and as you walk into the church they are there to greet, shake hands and if need be, conduct an Inquisition as to where you were and how you are not doing it right. How many times did I want to scream "SHUT UP!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING!!!" And, they did. I completely understand both sides but I put the majority of the blame for hubs not going to church much anymore on the mature Christians. They should know better than to be nags and judgemental. They all kid about their stupid mistakes in the past. Okay, so nobody else is entitled to make mistakes? Suddenly you are in charge of keeping church goers in line? Yeah, um, all you are going to do is make people feel uncomfortable and they will quit coming. Everyone needs a middle.

Once we become mature Christians and have made some dumb mistakes, we walk away from God for a bit or whatever we realize our mistakes and we truly embrace that fulfilling Christian life. It doesn't just come. We have to build our relationship with the Lord. We have to learn a lot of things.....but the key is let people do that without making church a negative place. People should not have to feel like they HAVE to go to church because it will be noticed that they are missed and that it is EXPECTED of them! Nobody is going to go to a place like that for long. Nobody wants that. It is too much pressure for someone who is just beginning their walk with the Lord. Who wants all that pressure? If I miss a service it irritates the poo out of me that I will have to hear it from at least two people that they noticed I was not there and of course the inevitable where were you from at least one of them. Um, I don't work for you. It's none of your business where I was. I may have been selling my body on the street corner, I may have been puking my guts out sick. It is none of your business. STOP ASKING ME.

One of my all time favorites. Every time I go to the altar for me, my sin, my issues, they start praying about my husband and for him to be a better spiritual leader, for him for him, for him. I'm like, GREAT, I cannot even go to the altar for my own personal spiritual junk without their judgemental condemnation about him interfering. Oh sure, everyone please pile on and lay hands on me and pray for my horrible sinful husband to end my wretched suffering. Really, please do. NOT. Um, my husband is way awesome and does his best to reflect a Christian in his personal life and I am in no way suffering nor are my children. He prays every days. He gets it, he just doesn't like going to church for just this flippin reason. So, now he is over it and so am I. I mean the nerve of people to assume that I am up at the altar because my husband is not with me. Um, just 'cause you go to church every service like I mostly do does not mean that you have all your junk together and every time I am up there it is because of my own mess ups. NOT HIS, thank you very much but thank you even more for just assuming that he is a monster and a heinous Christian because he has not immediately lept from new church goer and acted and served like some of them, a mature seasoned Christian. I am so sorry he has failed your expectations, please feel free to judge and heap condemnation on him. Yeah, he totally deserves it.

So hubs was supposed to build our new building. I'll make this quick. He has been saying for months that there will be no money in the budget to pay him. He was going to do it for a small amount that the Pastor said they would pay him. About half of what it would normally be. He has also worked hours and hours and hours getting pricing, putting together estimates and doing everything the bank needed to secure the loan. He has spent tons of time on this building project out of service to the Lord and to be helpful. Now that it is time to build and the permit is here and everything is ready....what does Pastor tell him? He tells him that he has no excuse for not coming to church and that while he is building the church he needs to come every Sunday. He also tells hubs that he is pretty sure that there will be no money left over to pay him. Now, 2 minutes prior to that he tells hubs he wants to add brick and that he wants to give 2 jobs to someone who has over bid those two jobs $5000 higher than two other bids but he wants to give that high bidder the job anyway. Well, between giving the high bidder the job and adding the brick that is the amount my hubs would have earned for the total job. So, then he says he is pretty sure he can't pay hubs at the end. Well, of course you can't now, you just gave away $5000 extra to a fellow church member because whatever and now you want to add brick which you cannot afford but hey, let's just not pay the guy building it for you and you can have brick! Makes perfect sense. So hubs comes home two weeks ago and says what he has been saying all along. He will do the job for free. He is mad. He is mad about it only because the money is there to pay him but Pastor wants to do a favor to someone and add brick and the only way to do that is to just not pay hubs. You want to hear the crazy part? Although Mike is EXTREMELY HURT because he knows he is being used and the money is there to pay him but Pastor is willing to use it for other things instead, Mike was willing to do it anyway. He was going to spend the money for the gas to go there every day, he was going to sacrifice pay because if he is at the church building it then he is not making money someplace else. But Mike had faith that God would honor that sacrifice and bring in extra jobs so he could work for free at the church while everyone else got paid and everything would be fine. He was going to do it. He has already done lots of work getting things ready number wise and getting the budget together and he wanted to finish the job.

Sunday afternoon, a fellow member of the church called my husband and said they had a committee meeting and it was decided that they would put together a building committee and build the church themselves and they would no longer need his services. In other words, you are fired now that you have worked for FREE and done all the stuff we didn't have the software to do or the know how and now that the church is ready to be built and we actually are supposed to start paying you something we are firing you and we will do the rest ourselves. Hey, sucker, thanks for all the free work you did. Sucker.

You know what really infuriated me? Not that they fired him, but that the Pastor had another member of the church call hubs and fire him. Nobody has ever discussed the building of the church with Mike before. The only person he has ever communicated with about the building of the church with was the Pastor. That was the most low down dirty rotten nasty cowardly act to have another member of the church who has never EVER spoken to Mike before about the construction of this church to do the Pastor's dirty work and fire my husband. It was the final slap in the face of what he must really think about my husband that he does not even call Mike himself to tell him that they are going to form a building committee and do it themselves since he does not think there will be money left to pay Mike. That was the bull crap excuse that the church member gave Mike. Okay, coward. I do not believe that for a single second. I believe that he told Mike that he had to come to church from now on and Mike got angry at that last meeting and while he went the next Sunday Mike missed the last two Sundays. One of which his back was out and he could not have even gotten in the car to go if he wanted to. Which don't you know I was forced to explain during the great inquisition in the foyer. So I guarantee you that after this second Sunday in a row of Mike not going he got mad and I just know he was feeling slightly guilty because he knew just like Mike knew that he was going to blow the budget and he would not pay Mike squat do. So he had probably already been thinking about just doing it themselves because of some guilt feelings about not paying Mike and when Mike didn't show the second Sunday in a row.........to quote Trump.....You're fired. Except, he did it dirty. You don't have someone do tons of work for you FREE OF CHARGE and then have someone else call and fire that person. You do it yourself. You do not treat my husband like a piece of trash. Act like a man, not a coward and do your own dirty work. You want to do it yourselves, fine. Whatever, we knew we weren't getting any money out of it for months. But, you do not treat him like trash because you think he is not a good enough Christian solely based on his irregular Church attendance.

What kills me is that the only reason Mike does not want to go to church is because he does not want to hear all the negative comments. They think their comments will draw him closer to the Lord, they actually think they are helping. Yuk yuk yuk, oh it would be funny if it was not so tragic. Dorks. Well, after the ultimate slap in the face of being fired over the phone by a fellow church goer and not the Pastor that was it for me. I will not go to a church that will treat my family in such a manner. I REALLY LOVED IT that Mike was informed that he was not going to be a part of the building committee either. Yeah, that is how I know that this whole decision was based off his church attendance. Oh, you judgemental blind fool, take care of the plank in your own eye. You know, the giant plank of thinking if everyone is not doing it your way they are on their way to HELL. Stupid. Beginning. Middle. End. You had your middle, let my husband have his.

The thing that kills me is that putting the attendance aside, dude, Mike has it going on. He is awesome. He never looks at other women in front of me, he never talks about other women, if something racy comes on he turns the channel. He never has said one negative thing about my body and I just turned 40 and have 4 kids. Not one negative thing. All my friends tell me that he has never said one bad thing about me and that when he talks about me he practically puts me on a pedestal. He speaks nothing but positive about me, um, how rare is that? He wants me to be happy and he trys to make me happy. Um, another rarity. He is a great dad and he parents our children, he doesn't just foist it all on me. He plays with his kids. He coaches and is President of our youth baseball league, so um, he is active in the community. He helps everyone he can and gives money to anyone who needs if if he has it at all to give. He does more good deeds than most I can tell you that. You know, he totally reflects a great Christ loving Christian to me. He just doesn't want to enter a building and hear negative stuff. "If you're not doing this, you don't love God." That doesn't do it for Mike. He hates that. He does not respond well to it. So, he just avoids it and listens to preaching on TV or the radio. He has a Bible and he prays. He is good he says. I still think he would benefit greatly from going to church more but after this experience I think perhaps he may be right in his case. He is too positive of a person. He likes encouraging stuff, not your evil and on your way to hell stuff. He is smart enough to know he is living a life pleasing to God. What can I say?

So, I am leaving. That means no more teaching for me, which I loved, but I can no longer listen to the comments about Mike and can they pray for him. I'm like, pray for yourselves, Mike is fine. Stop judging us!!!!!!! Whatever, I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER go to a small church again. I will only go to a church that is so big that if I do not show up for a service nobody will probably notice. I love to go to church, it is a true pleasure for me but dude, when you go you shouldn't go because you have to. It really needs to be more grounded in you want to. Sometimes we go because we just plain ole need to even when we don't want to, I'm not talking about that. Mostly we should want to go and feeling pressured to be there really just made me not want to go. I am looking forward to visiting my old church which is very large and seeing old friends. I am not sure where I will end up at. We have another really large church in Canton and of course we have the Jesus dome in Woodstock which is go gigantic you could get lost in the sanctuary. Hee hee. No nagging there!

I have peace about my decision except that I know they will all think I disappeared because I got mad that they fired him. Not true. I am livid over the cowardly judgemmental act of having some one else do the dirty work and that it was grounded in judgement over his church attendance. I wish them well in the building process 'cause we all know how well church committes function, lol.

Jenn

God Is Real

2010-10-22T09:09:00.004-04:00

An interesting discussion about Christianity, the Bible and agnostics was had yesterday. It was sparked by a stressful day and upon seeing someone from a past family friendship. You see, this person because of some lack of good and proper communication on both our parts thinks we are dishonest people now. Honestly, my husband is the most honest person I know. It makes me sick. I wish people would just be open to honest conversation. We have tried to have this open conversation but this person is just not willing to listen. I think some people just love drama, intrigue and that oh so special feeling of a narcissism high when you can feel superior to someone and decide they are not worthy of you and just cut them out of your life completely. Great for that person, except they are dead wrong. Perception is reality but our perception of reality is not always true and accurate.

Anyhoo, we got to talking about the Bible and the promises in it and just how much the hand of God is in everything. Being a Christian does not mean just working on being on Christlike and developing great Christian character and everything in your life will be blessed and lovely, money, health, etc. We still have to make strong professional decisions, sound financial decisions, and make the choice to treat our bodies as temples so as to properly care for them. I got that. It just from an earthly standpoint is frustrating to watch smug & conceited people who live only for their own personal pleasures prosper so greatly while really great people who love the Lord passionately, work hard to succeed, serve in their churches, and give to others struggle month after month. That really chaps my tail. I always think of one of the Psalms in which the psalmist is complaining to the Lord about just such a thing. In fact, he is pretty ticked off that God allows it and gives God quite the tongue lashing. But, we are told that rewards and judgment are not always given in this life. It's a small comfort. I just try to tell myself that I will spend maybe another 40 to 45 years on this earth and then I am off for eternity to never struggle or watch my friends struggle again. Also, I won't have to be frustrated by mean smug people either. So I wait.

But then the whole topic of well what about the promises that if you are seeking with your whole heart, serving, etc. etc. that our lives will be blessed and the fact that the Bible talks about the storehouses overflowing (meaning finances, provision), cups running over, abundance and such. What about that? Do you only get that if you make sound decisions and have planned your life out perfectly? Hmmmm, I hate these scenarios, and I don't have the answers. I wonder these same things too. It is a little confusing sometimes. I watch small business owners like ourselves and several of our friends and acquaintances who are self employed as well and we all struggle. I can easily think of some families who are so passionately serving the Lord, humble, loving, generous beautiful people with wonderful kids and they struggle in these tough times. And I do mean nail biting struggling. Well, you can say this strengthens our faith and it does and that is most certainly necessary but when the struggling goes on for years that is tough. It just makes it hard I guess when you are doing all the things that promise prosperity and yet it is not there. Then you have to watch mean greedy people grow, thrive and sometimes even take advantage of you. That happens to us a lot.

The only thing I can say is that even though I may not always see the promises evident in my life (and if they aren't we need to pray for the Lord to search us and reveal anything displeasing to Him so we can get rid of it.) I know God is real. I know Jesus is real. I know this because God has revealed himself to me through answered prayers and through sending others as confirmations of things I had just prayed about. I know it because the Holy Spirit puts thoughts into my head. You know, when things just pop into your head and you weren't even thinking those thoughts, that's not you, it's the Holy Spirit. I know He is real through interaction such as that. I know that He is real. And, if I know that He is real what else is there but to just keep trusting and worshiping. Even though my life has never been ideal, I've always had to struggle for every single little thing, God always makes it okay. It's never not been okay. When I should have been dying inside, He gave me peace. He has healed my children. So I try to remind myself, He is real. He loves me. He loves us all, even the meanies. I will live with Him forever one day and every single moment of eternity will not just be all right but it will be glorious! Should I give up, should any of us give up because we do not see the promises in our lives? Well, I say no, we should just know that He is real and worship away anyway. We may not always like it but I do feel confident that God knows what He is doing with each of us. I believe He has a plan for our lives. I believe the devil messes with those who love God passionately because we are threats to his stinky earthly kingdom he fancies so much. So, yes, we Christians will face those battles and we will be messed with. That is why we must stand firm. We are soldiers in the Lord's army because we must fight. And, fight I will you stinky devil. I will be so glad when you are gone forever! And, I will be so glad to never see another smug face again. We must keep our faith, think on what is good and true and never forget to praise Him and thank Him in all circumstances. It's just what we have to do.

During a tough moment the other day I just took my 4 year old outside, set up the T ball thingy gave him a huge bucket of balls and his bat. I sat in my lawn chair and watched him hit balls for about 30 minutes and we had a blast. Suddenly my stress was gone and I was a much happier and thankful person. We enjoyed the grass, the weather, the pretty trees and I was no longer grumpy and saying "Why Lord?" but instead I was saying "Thank you Lord". Just keep on going......

Jenn

A Jealous God

2010-10-21T13:51:00.003-04:00

The day of my last post I had the most fascinating revelation from my pastor's wife. I was really upset as I knew that God was dealing with me in an area of disobedience and He certainly knew how to get my attention since I had been mostly ignoring the prompting of the Holy Spirit to get myself in check. So, He did what He needed to do to put me back in line. I knew it but I was so upset that the issue was so minor in my personal opinion that it warranted such discipline. I couldn't understand why THIS thing was so hideous and after all, it's like really the only issue I have other than the minor stuff we all deal with from time to time. As I wrote in my last post, that I deleted as I just really was needing to vent, that I was majorly peeved that it seems like God just does not let me get out of line at all. I don't get it.... you know how we all know Christians and they are lovely people and all but they have some major issues? I'm like, Lord, can't I do anything? Not even a little sin? Huh? He just does not let me sway to the right or the left at all. Which is a great thing, yes, but oh my, sometimes it can be tough. It's not that I want to sin, but hey, I am not perfect by any means and yes sometimes I get out of line and sin. Yep, I do.

Well, I was talking to my pastor's wife about cancelling our ladies Bible study last Thursday because God would just not give me a topic to teach about and I NEVER EVER decide what to teach. I always wait on the Lord and He always gives me the topic in advance easy peasy with no problems. Well, He wasn't forking anything over the two weeks prior from our last lesson to the one that was supposed to happen last Thursday. I tried to write one on my own. I couldn't write anything, which only further proved that God was dealing with me because I can write a paper about anything, even things I know nothing about like it was nothing. Well, I had nuttin. I told my pastor's wife about how God was dealing with me about an issue and that He just was not allowing me to put a study together. I said we would need to cancel the study because I value the ladies time too much to have them leave home and drive to church and not get something from God out of me. Who wants to come to Bible study that isn't anointed and listen to someone spew poop? Not me.

She said we would not cancel the study until I called her tomorrow afternoon. She said she had a feeling God would move. I was hopeful but admittedly doubtful. Then she said the most amazing thing to me. She said our God is a jealous God Jennifer and He just wants your attention. You know, I never told her what my issue was and that it was taking my time away from the Lord. After she said that to me I told her that the issue was stealing from my time with the Lord. She said I should feel complimented that God was so jealous for my time with Him that He would take the time to get my attention back to Him so quickly. I was blown away! She said He missed me! Can you believe that? Gave me goosebumps, it did.

What she said to me had to have come from the Lord. There is no possible other way. The other cool thing was that just before she came and picked me up to go to Wed. night church together I had been reading in the book of James and I about fell over when I read this because I was only in the book of James because I felt led to read it.
James 3:1 Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.
Which if you read the last post that I deleted that was mostly what I was so frustrated about. The whole discipline factor and my frustration about why God does not seem to let me get out of line in the least before I get a few warnings and then if I treat them lightly I get the smack down of sorts. Well, here was my answer to that question as to why He does that. Ta da!

I teach the ladies and 8 to 12 year olds so does teaching two classes give me a double portion of that scripture? ha ha. Well, it's all a blessing to serve and it is totally worth it and I am most humbly in awe that He even pauses to look at me because I am a dork. But, I am an obedient dork so He can use me. It's all good :) I have really made strides to get myself and my nasty habit under check. I have been praying my way through the day so to speak, again. I didn't realize that I had stopped doing that to do my new little bad habit. I felt like a bum to give God the cold shoulder and then be mad at him for disciplining me. I am flattered He missed me :) That's pretty dang cool.

Well, I ended up being able to write a lesson and we went ahead with the study but guess what? Only one lady showed up ha ha!!!!! I about laughed myself to death. I took a picture of the empty classroom and put it on my facebook page with the caption "Bueller, Bueller, anyone? anyone??" It got some laughs. I feel too like that was God saying I gave you the lesson but I will not give you the ladies, get yourself in check girl. So the one lady and I chatted for an hour about some good stuff and we left for home. It was a nice evening but I would have certainly rather have been teaching our regulars. Well, He got my attention and I think I received my spanking with some dignity although I did kick and scream a bit a the beginning. I will be teaching the lesson this next Thursday Oct. 28 instead.

One thing I had reinforced for sure in the last 8 days is that God is not kidding around. He means what His Word says! Can I share this with you? Of all the scriptures I've read this one has impacted me the most from Genesis 17:1 "walk before me and be blameless." Now more than ever I feel this requirement weighing in on me. Goodness, Lord, I will do my best to walk before you in a blameless manor. 'Cause I also really don't like those spiritual spankings, ahem.

Love y'all,

Jenn

John 13:34 A Study on Love. Commentary & Teaching Notes

2010-10-04T14:14:00.003-04:00

Be of Good Cheer & Love Study John 16:33. My Teaching Notes.......

John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

1.Love is one of the key terms in chapters 13--17 in the book of John, occurring thirty-one times in these five chapters as compared to only six times in chapters 1--12.

2. Be of good cheer/courage derives from the Greek word Tharseo. It means to be of both good cheer and good courage. This is why some translations say cheer and some say courage. Really it means to be courageous and cheerful at the same time.

Let’s get to the heart of the lesson: John 13:34 A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13, 14, & 15 is focusing on loving and serving as Jesus did.

Why is this important? We find out in the very next verse. Verse 35: By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

3. Let’s also take a look at why this command is so important to us. (Aside from having a personal relationship with the Lord, what is our main objective as a Church body? To go out and share the gospel with others & to build up, teach and edify each other right?) Let me share with you some comments from the website De-Conversion.com (they just changed their website since I put the study together and I can't locate the list now at a quick glance.) on why people do not believe the gospel. 15. If there is an infinite almighty all loving Creator who has one single, simple message to impart to us, why is he so spectacularly ineffective at doing so? 3. Christians are NOT different from non-Christians. 4. Church disunity. You see, Jesus knew we were going to need credibility to be able to effectively preach the gospel. He knew people were going to want to see Christians different from non Christians because our gospel says we will be different. He knew we would need to be unified by love and reflecting Christ's love through us so that all men would be able to recognize we were followers of Christ. Kind of makes this command a little more weighty to know that the salvation of souls lay in our reflecting Christ's love, doesn't it?

Scripturally, let's look at the importance of this command also.
John 14:12 I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. John 14:15 “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” John 14:21 Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.” John 14:23 Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. 24 He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me. In John 13 & 14 the only command Jesus is talking about is to love others as he has loved us. Sounds like this command is pretty important to Jesus to me! It also effects our personal relationship too!

Imagine for a moment how this might play out. Imagine how it would affect you if just about everyone you came into contact with loved you like Jesus would love you. Imagine how you would be positively changed if the people in your home loved you like Jesus would love you. Can you imagine how much more positive and loving we would then become and how different things could be? Imagine how the world would change if all Christians were to immediately commit to living a Christ like love and how that would impact non Christians and how they view us and the gospel we preach. Imagine the millions of lives that could be saved just by seeing Christ’s love play out so richly in our lives.

Can we understand the real impact of what Jesus is saying here? Do we really understand how important it is to obey what Jesus is saying?

In speaking about the Holy Spirit who was yet to come Jesus says: John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Jesus in chapter 15 is speaking about the Holy Spirit and coming persecution. This is crucial too because to receive this peace we must remain in Him. To remain in Him we must do what?

John 15: 9 "As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.” What is the sum of the commandments given? Just what commandments is Jesus talking about? So far, the only thing Jesus is talking about in the chapters is the command to love. But, lest someone say Jesus is referring to the 10 commandments also, let's look at what Jesus says the sum of the 10 commandments are.

4. Matthew 22: 37-40 37 Jesus said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." So, even if we want to argue that when Jesus says we are to keep His commandments to abide in His love that this is not just the command in John 13:34 to love others as He has loved us but also the 10 commandments we can see now that even those are summed up by loving. Loving God and loving others.......We cannot escape the fact that Jesus is talking about loving others as He has loved us being key to abiding in Jesus's love. I love this verse in Galations 5:6 The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. LOVE it! pun intended.

It is critical to note that we are not to love as we see fit or as by what we know love to be, but we are to love as Christ loved us. So what is Love anyway as defined by the Bible? Let’s take a look.

1 Corinthians 13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. 13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

The Commandment begins in John 13:34 and still in John 15 Jesus continues to repeat it again and again throughout the 3 chapters! This is the last lesson he taught the disciples before he was betrayed by Judas and it seems to me that Jesus took the time to really let us know how much this command meant to Him.

John 15: 12 This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.
John 15: 14 You are My friends if you do whatever I command you.
John 15: 17 These things I command you, that you love one another.

So now we know what the Bible defines love to be we need look at how Jesus displayed these traits toward us. Let’s look at how we can display a Christ like love by looking at how Jesus loved us. What would Jesus really do? I highly encourage you to read all four gospels specifically from the starting point where Jesus begins His ministry and ask God to show you all the ways Jesus showed His love for us as you read.

So, What Would Jesus Do?
Wife Swap Scenario: If Jesus and I swapped places for a period of time and Jesus took my place within my family how might Jesus do things differently? How would Jesus love/interact with my husband? Would Jesus change anything about my routine so that I could love not only Him better but also my family? And, if needed and Jesus had to gently “encourage” my husband to do his fair share around the home would my husband accuse even Jesus of nagging? (hee hee) How would Jesus love/interact with my children? How would Jesus love/interact with my parents/siblings? Would he fight with them? ‘Cause you know how annoying family can be. Would my family get on Jesus’ nerves and cause him to have mini meltdowns? What might Jesus do in my home differently as He displayed His Christ like love? And, if I displayed this Christ like love do I think it would catch on? How would my life be impacted by receiving Christ like love from my family members?

Let’s look at these same thoughts for work & places we spend a good deal of time at like Church. How would Jesus conduct himself if He took my place at these other places also?

I just want to share what the Life Application Bible says about Joy. “Joy is a common theme in Christ’s teachings- he wants us to be joyful (see John 15:11; John 16:24, John 16:33). The key to immeasurable joy is living in intimate contact with Christ, the source of all joy. When we do, we will experience God’s special care and protection and see the victory God brings even when defeat seems certain.” We can learn from this lesson that one of the keys to abiding in Christ’s love is to display that love to everyone around us.

I had a really great time putting this study together. It really made me understand the full weight of the command Jesus gives in John 13:34 and it has made me really look at how I interact with others, especially my family. We will say things to our family members that we would not dream of saying to others, right? I feel highly encouraged that we as Christians can be obedient to this command and oh my, what a wonderful world this would be if we all committed to doing it!

Love y'all,

Jenn

Hurray! Everything is Okay and Thank You For Your Prayers!!

2010-09-21T09:36:00.002-04:00

Whew! What a relief!!! My secondary mammogram testing came back with everything being okay. All my other tests came back negative also!! PTL. Thank you so much for your prayers. I was a wee bit nervous. I am so grateful more than ever for my health and praising God for keeping me that way. I have been changing my way of life since January and my exercise & eating habits so now more than ever I am committed to preserving and protecting this body the Lord has given me. I can't trash my body and expect it to run like a well fed machine. I also have decided not to exercise for 90 minutes a day anymore either. I think I need to take a couple days off a week to rest. I have been feeling so very tired lately and maybe I am just workout out too much? Well, I think I'll let my body lead me as to what it needs.

Everyone says breakfast is important and I don't like eating breakfast so I have started eating sliced almonds and couple of slices of 100%% whole grain toast in the morning. I have always been told almonds are high in protein and are excellent for antioxidants and fighting cancers and such. So, I am really trying to do what I can to keep this body healthy. Lots of water, smaller portions and I can't can't can't wait for Lysa TerKeurst's new book "Made to Crave" to come out in December!!!! Pins and needles I tell ya.

Love y'all!!!

Jenn

Abnormal Mammogram

2010-09-10T09:06:00.002-04:00

Well fluff....dang if I haven't put off a pap smear and a mammogram for 3 years and I finally go and get one and I got the call. Yesterday at 4:50pm the Imaging place called to say I had to come back for some abnormalities in my left breast and that they would need to do an ultrasound. The lady reassured me that this is quite normal for ladies on their first mammogram to have to come back and also for women with large breasts. Still I have to admit that tears were rolling down my face as she gave me the phone number to call for scheduling. I was scared. I am told by many friends since yesterday not to worry and this is very normal. BUT, there are so many women out there who do have breast cancer and I am sure their friends told them the same thing. Ya know?

The funny thing is that I sat outside of the Imaging place on Sept. 8th and made up my mind that no matter what happened my faith would not be shaken. I made the choice since I was scared to have the pap smear and the mammogram that I would just do it and if something came back wrong that I would already be strong in my faith that He would carry me through. No hand wringing, what will that get me?

I'm going to call in a few minutes and schedule my second testing. This stinks! The abnormality is in my left breast and I am praying that it comes back as nothing since I do not have health insurance and you know, I'd like to not have breast cancer.

Jenn

The Joys of A Pap Smear....NOT.

2010-09-02T11:53:00.005-04:00

My little artist....she is such a sweetie. Guitar lessons are coming along nicely.

So I went and had a complete physical today. It was the most thorough exam I have ever had. I was soooooo happy it was a woman, let me tell ya. AND, if anybody remembers my post on funny gynecological stories that were all funny but true, well I held true to form and laughed myself silly during the exam. Breast and the pelvic......the lady doing it was laughing just as hard as I was because I was laughing it made her laugh. hee hee. I can't imagine why I am that ticklish, but hey, we had a good laugh and probably everyone who heard us laughing had fun laughing at us laughing too. See, you can have a breast exam and a pap smear and spread joy at the same time. Never let it be said that women are not great multi taskers!

Tonight I will be leading the last DVD session on Lysa TerKeurst's DVD Bible Study "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl" at church. I have really and truly enjoyed this study and I can honestly say that it has impacted me dramatically and changed me. We started it 12 weeks ago and I am still benefiting so greatly from the very first session where I learned to replace my "what if" and "if only" with scripture from God's truth and speak that instead. Honestly, it has changed so much about my peace level and trust levels which were admittedly quite high already but truly this has taken me on a whole new higher level. Love that!

Do you know what else this study has changed? MY MARRIAGE!

Yeppers, it sure 'nuf did. And it changed it in many areas, all for the good. I wasn't expecting that. That was a HUGE surprise for me and boy oh boy am I loving it! I can't begin to cover all the fantastic things this study has done for my life in one blog post. And by that I do not mean that I am inspired to go change, no, the change has already taken place. It has changed how I live, how I think, how I process, and how I love. Not inspired, not motivated, but changed me. Deeply. Thank you Lysa!

Just watching the DVD one session after another without looking at the workbook the first time impacted me. Especially the first session! The last session and her closing thoughts got me too at the first viewing. But putting together the reading of her book "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl", watching the DVD and then leading the ladies at church in a 45 minute discussion afterwards based on the workbook was incredible! The ladies did not want to do the workbook so I did it and then created the discussion questions based off what Lysa has in the workbook. I really wish the ladies had done all of the reading and workbook, I think it is the combination of all 3 that has really impacted me but I do know the ladies have said they have changed too. I love the challenges that were thrown in too. Lysa on Session 2 I believe threw out a challenge to us and we loved it! So, me being me, I added new challenges every study.

Two of the most favorite challenges I heard from the ladies were Lysa's questions/challenges on these two topics.
1. How can I be a woman of more carefully chosen words? "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" was our scripture out of Psalms. The ladies loved that one as they set out for two weeks carefully choosing their words only to find themselves more peaceful and hearing their families comment on how much more calmer mom was and that she was nicer. Hmmmmm, ladies, maybe we could all stand that challenge? Men, you too.

2. In your sphere of influence, how can you love the people around you better? I personally found this to be the most challenging one. I thought it would be the easiest, nope. But, the results were fantastic and the ladies, who did it, all had the same positive things to say about it. Must work huh? So, in your sphere of influence, who can you love better?

Lysa TerKeurst is by far my most favorite Bible teacher/speaker. Oh yes. God has used her to change me in the most wonderful ways. I wonder sometimes what my life would be like if Lysa never responded to God's calling on her life. What if Lysa, sitting in her home with her children and being an ordinary mom, felt this pull on her life and said "Lord, I am not qualified to do this. I am scared. I have a past Lord, people will never listen to me. Who wants to hear what I have to say anyway? Lord, please don't ask me to get up and embarrass myself in front of so many people. There are so many more around me who are so much better than I am!". What if? What would hundreds, probably thousands of lives look like if Lysa had not passionately pursued God and listened for Him to call her? And, she was just an ordinary mom like so many of us. But, she has a heart for the Lord and is obedient and that is how He can use her so mightily! LOVE IT. I love this quote from her so much "I am called; therefore I am equipped." Yes we are.

I am really anticipating a nice time tonight as we close out this DVD study and in two weeks I will go back to presenting the Bible studies that I write with the Holy Spirit. This next one has really got me. I am studying and studying and studying and I am full of "knowledge" on John chapters 13-16 but there is still so much more that I know God wants me to do with this study. I feel certain I am going to have to make it a 2 part study. Which frustrates me honestly because we meet every other week so then this study will have the 2 week gap. Oh well, if the Lord asked me to do it, then He will be working it all out. I am feeling such a strong pull to lean the study heavily on Jesus's command which He gives several times through chapters 13-16 to love others has He has loved us. Specifically how did Jesus love us? How can I love the people I come into contact with like Jesus would love them? If Jesus and I did a swap (exp. wife swap), how would Jesus operate in my home and love my family? Then, okay, how can I do those things?

This study should be all about one word. IMPACT.

Praying for big things in this....

Love y'all,

Jenn

Weight Loss & The Continuing John 16:33 study

2010-08-30T09:06:00.002-04:00

I haven't done a weight loss update lately....I have lost 34 lbs now since Jan. YAY!!! I hit a plateau at the end of April and had not lost a single pound until last week when I managed to lose 2 more. I am very excited about that! My husband super surprised me last week by coming home and telling me that UPS had left a box on the porch and could I go get it. The funny thing was that I was a bit miffed that he saw the box on the porch when he came home and then walked in and told me to go get it. But, I decided to be nice and just go get the box for him. He is always ordering stuff for our remodeling business so a UPS delivery is nothing new around here. Well, when I got to the door which is mostly glass I saw a HUMONGOUS box sitting in the yard. I gasped and yelled out something which I can't remember. I thought UPS had made a huge mistake and left some huge box at our door by error. Then I opened the door and saw a drawing on the box and boy did I get excited! The hubs bought me an elliptical!!!!! I had been wanting one badly. He was hiding behind me to see my reaction ha ha. It was a good thing I held my tongue about him telling me to go get the box, right? hee hee. Well this elliptical is kicking my booty! I have never sweat so hard and so fast. I am expecting some great results.

On the spiritual side of things....the study the Lord has me doing in the book of John has been really incredible. It all started with Him giving me John 16:33 as the scripture topic. But, of course as I posted earlier you can't do a study on John 16 without also studying John 15 because the first words in John 16:33 were these things I have said unto you, which implies of course that you would have to know what "these things" are. So, going to John 16:1 the first words are things things I have said.... again now we need to know what "those things" are in John 15 which may I say John 15 is incomplete in a full understanding without doing a study on John 14. After going over these chapters I feel like God wants this broken down into a two fold study. First, Jesus in the topic verse that the Lord gave me to study is telling us to be of good cheer or to be of good courage when we face all that the world throws at us as we go about doing God's will for our lives. Jesus says that we should have "tharseo" which means to be of good cheer or to be of good courage. That is why some translations in this verse say good courage and some say good cheer. Both meanings come from the same word. So, since that is the verse God gave me He obviously wants us to study what it truly means to be living a life of tharseo and what would that look like in our every day lives. How can we become people of tharseo? But I also feel so very very strongly that in going through chapter 14 and 15 of John that Jesus is quite serious about the command He gives and how living this command is serious business in relation to abiding Him and in relation to Him showing Himself to us. Jesus states twice in chapter 14 that His command is to love others as He has loved us. Without getting too exhaustive here, I feel so strongly that the Lord wants us ladies to study what exactly it means to love others as Jesus would love them. What does that truly mean and do I do that?

Do I love my husband as Jesus would love him? How would Jesus treat my husband when he walks in the door from work? How would Jesus treat my children on a daily basis? What would Jesus's attitude be about taking care of my family? Would Jesus throw a hissy fit because my husband treasures his relaxation and down time with the kids more than he treasures a clean and tidy home? ( I say that only because that's one of the biggest complaints women have in their homes.....they are doing all or most of the work and their husbands are not very helpful. But alas, our husbands tend to be more like Mary and we ladies tend to be more like Martha and we could learn to relax more and not be so control freakish about our homes and learn some from our husbands.) Jesus states he gives us his peace in the same conversation in John. Am I a woman of peace in my home? Am I a woman of peace at work? Am I a woman of peace in my friendships? How do I love the people in my life? How would Jesus love the people in my life?

Of course we will tackle the issues of the "unfairness of life" and how to actually be a person of tharseo and a person who can learn to love others as Jesus would even in unfair situations. 'Cause let's face it....life ain't a bed of roses for any of us and some of us have it harder than others. We need to discuss these scenarios and learn how to apply this command Jesus gives us in this study. I don't want this to be a feel good study and then nobody ever learns to apply the command. So.....I am seeking and studying this topic and am excited to see how it all turns out. I will teach this on Sept. 16 so I have so decent time to get it ready. I'll post everything as soon as I get it done but the "live" bible studies we do at the church are always more than twice as good as the paper notes I always type up. We have some wonderful discussions in class!

Well, it's time to exercise and then do my secretary/accounting duties for Stonecrest Homes & Renovations. The business has been doing wonderful, amen and thank you Lord for that! I just started a Facebook Fan page for Stonecrest Homes if you want to join. I would love to see you there as we will post something probably once a week, twice at the most and have some great inspiration pictures of the work we do.

Love y'all,

Jenn

How Not To Grow Church Attendance

2010-08-20T10:32:00.008-04:00

This is not a regular blog post. I just feel led to type this thing out and I think perhaps it is for someone with a church attendance issue or a church nagger to stumble upon but who knows?

You can be right and wrong all at the same time. Did you know that? How can this be? Well, to put it simply we can be doing our best to try to help someone in their spiritual walk with the Lord and be right in everything we say scripturaly but be completely wrong for even saying it in the first place. The Bible says the power of life and death is in the tongue. I have seen a new meaning in that this week. Yes, I have seen that we can indeed KILL someone else's spiritual walk with our tongue.

I have been witness to a few people in the last few weeks being judged and nagged about their church attendance and their walk with the Lord. And, as an avid church goer myself, as in I go to all 3 services every week plus I teach the ladies Bible class every other Thursday so on those weeks I am there 4 times a week, and do you know what that means? Diddly, that's what it means in the big scheme of things. I do not have to attend that many times to be saved, sanctified, justified or have a close relationship with the Lord. If that were so, why do we even bother with missions in 3rd world countries where they have no churches? Hmmmm? Why are we even in Africa? Or China? What's the point?

I mean seriously, how long must Christianity be in existence before we get this stuff figured out folks? It just kills me when we put our own personal spin on what we believe and put it out there as theology and then blab out to people who we "want to help" by nagging them to death (Oh but sister, I am just pointing out what they need to be doing so they don't fall away. Um, no they will fall away because you are nagging them to death and now church is not a pleasant place to be and instead a place of negativity and condemnation. And, who wants to be in a place like that?). I know I don't want to be in a place like that! You know why I go so many times a week? Because I want to, not because I have to, but I WANT to. And, it took me many years before I wanted to do that. For decades I went on Sunday mornings only and did a little volunteering here and there and I didn't feel a lick of condemnation. You know why? I wasn't in the same place spiritually back then that I am in right now and you what? That's okay. It really really is. We all have such unique walks with the Lord. Why can't we as Christians accept that and stop trying to work things out ourselves and let God do it instead?

What does this mean exactly? Well, if I feel like brother or sister so and so is pulling away from the Lord the best thing I can do is pray for them and be an encourager by my loving actions when I do see them. The worst thing I can do is convene an inquisition every time I see them and question them as to where they were during the last church service that they were not at and then begin to list a slew of terrible things that can happen to Christians by beginning to pull back. I want to suggest that we actually trust God and His Holy Spirit to lead His people. I want us to trust in the fact that we can move mountains by prayer and petition. Before we begin to suggest to someone that they need to do something we truly need to hear from the Lord that He wants us to say these things. Should we call and check on those who have suddenly disappeared from the radar? Sure, they may be sick or just plain need to know someone missed them and loves them. I think that's great. But, I don't think it's cool to let someone know by a postcard or by comment that it was noticed that they were not at every service they miss.

I'm like, please show me where it says that if you do not attend every service you aren't right with the Lord! Good grief. I feel so fortunate that I have been able to have the opportunity to talk to a few of the people who have been condemned and nagged lately and convince them to either ignore and run hard away from the naggers or change churches all together. Alas, one of the people just plain won't go back to church. That's so sad to me, it really is. You know what else is sad about that? The person who did the nagging will never know the damage they have done. They have sinned also. They would tell me if they could that they are right I'd bet and quote a bunch of scriptures out of context. My favorite when I have this discussion with folks is where they say "Well the Bible says we are not to forsake the meeting together of the saints. We are to meet together in fellowship." So I say to that, okay well, where does it say how many times a week we should meet together? You can imagine the dirty looks I get. Hee hee.

I like to think of myself as the let's just call it like it is Christian. Let's leave our personal opinions out of theology unless we are going to state out loud "this is just my personal opinion". Let's be honest here, is it awesome and beneficial to read our Bibles every day, to pray every day, to stay aware of the presence of the Lord throughout our day, and to attend Church when the doors are open? SURE!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! It's AWESOME!!!!!!! But, do we all get to the place where we want to do those things immediately? Do we get to that place with the Lord the same way? NO. Therefore, we should pray for and encourage those who are not at the same spiritual maturity level as we are as we should also pray for ourselves to continue to grow our own spiritual walk lest we think we are uber special or something. 'Cause none of us are perfect no matter what your church attendance record says. Can I get an Amen? Thank you.

I personally had my own little emotional breakdown this week over someone in my family being condemned and nagged to death and it hurt me deeply. Thankfully a great couple from church talked to me for an hour and a half after church and blessed me to death. I needed their encouragement and I am so thankful they were wise and gave it to me. I think I was hurting too much to be able to reason rationally which is odd for me but alas, that was the case. I felt led to discuss the issue with a friend and I am so glad I did. I was able to help a few people with this issue recently and this friend and her husband were able to speak wise words to me also. I just honestly get so frustrated and I wonder how much God looks down on us and thinks, "If those people would just stop trying to do everything for me and let me do it instead they'd be a whole lot happier!"

So, I'd like to encourage anyone who feels condemned by other Christians that they aren't doing it right, to ignore those words you have heard. Even if those words were true you may not be at the place in your walk with the Lord where you have the desire to do certain things. Can I encourage you to not give up on Church and to not give up on the Lord. The most important thing is to first establish a personal relationship with the Lord. This is how we hear from God, by seeking Him with a pure heart and talking to Him in prayer. What does it mean to have a pure heart? Well, to put it simply, you just want Him and you want to see Him, hear Him and know Him and you just want Him. You have no selfish motives, you just want to experience the Lord and let Him live in you and work through you. So it is through this abiding relationship with a pure heart that you will truly begin to develop your walk with God in wonderful and fruitful ways. He will draw you, He will give you truth and it is by remaining connected to God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit through studying and prayer that you will hear from God, you will grow spiritually and you will desire all the wonderful things God has for you. Prayer is everything, getting to know God's word for yourself is crucial! You are not a failure because you are not doing what someone else thinks you should be doing, even if they are right. Please just do not ever stop spending time with the Lord and seeking Him. It is a daily choice to seek the Lord and I want to encourage you that it is okay to take baby steps as long as you continue to grow. God will get you where you need to be if you just trust in Him to do that. If you want to know Him more and do what is right, then pray about it daily and He will be faithful to do it in you. You will never be perfect but you can receive perfect love and you can always be moving forward. Amen to that.

How Do You Really Know if You Are Saved?

2010-08-13T08:05:00.005-04:00

How do you really know if you are saved? How do you know what to tell someone else who wants to be saved what to do once they pray the prayer? How do you REALLY know? Hmmmm, I am amazed at how we all have the same book and yet clearly cannot come to a clear conclusion as to how one becomes saved and retains that salvation if in fact salvation must be retained and is not a done deal at conversion.

Which leads us to the real question doesn't it? Can salvation be lost?

If it can, how do you lose it?

If it has been lost, how do you get it back?

Matthew 7:21-23 is a real sticking point in the "can you lose your salvation argument". Clearly there are people in this passage that know Jesus and were out there doing things in the name of Jesus and yet Jesus is not letting them into Heaven because they have not done the will of the Father. This passage is an excellent argument that you can in fact be a follower of Jesus but be out of the will of God (i.e., doing our own thing and not serving God actively or getting saved and then never letting the process of salvation have any real effect in our lives and we go on just like the rest of the world and live unchanged) and not be able to enter Heaven. I mean, the whole couple of paragraphs is even entitled A Tree and It's Fruit letting us know if the tree (us) is not producing fruit (worshiping, praying and doing the will of the Father) we ain't gettin in. Or does it?

In the subtitle of the Bible "A Tree and It's Fruit" there are two paragraphs.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7&version=NIV you can read them here.

The paragraph above Jesus sayin you can't come in even though you know me and did things in my name is a warning against false prophets that bear bad fruit. The come as wolves in sheep's clothing but we will be able to recognize those that distort God's word by their fruit we can recognize their true intentions by their fruit. We can recognize what is in their heart by their fruit. Then after the warning that some will come in His name but not really be of Him, we see Jesus saying that not everyone who says Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of Heaven even though they were out and about doing things in His name. No, only those who do the will of the Father.

So, is this bottom paragraph a warning for ALL Christians that if you are out of the will of the Father you lose your salvation? I want to say no. I would think it ridiculous that Jesus would be warning us of false prophets who will come into our lives, give us clear instructions on how we are to recognize them and then immediately segway into "Oh by the way, not only will the false prophets with bad fruit be thrown into the fire but all of you who are out of the will of God will be thrown in with them. AND, he just leaves it at that. This seems very odd to me that this would be the case. No, I personally find the two paragraphs completely related and tied together as in Jesus is still talking about the false prophets/ferocious wolves who would deceive us when he is speaking about those who will say Lord, Lord and try to enter into Heaven and be denied entrance.

Also, in numerous scriptures it says things like those who call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. Or if you believe in your heart and confess with your tongue you will be saved. In all instances and folks, in the New Testament there are lots and lots of places where the salvation process is discussed it says to believe and confess to the Lord that Jesus is God's Son, died for payment of our sins, was sacrifice for ALL, died, rose again and is now in Heaven with God. I have to believe that this event is so important that it is in the Bible so many times for good reason. So, being that the salvation event is so important for us to become saved and set free, wouldn't it be just as equally important to have numerous writings on how to keep ones salvation if one can in fact lose it? I mean, what good would it do for us all to get saved and then just lose it? We are all sinners.....we are all going to poo it up......what if I am being a great little girl and then I have a bad month or two and die in a car wreck? Does 40 years of being saved not count for anything because I didn't go to church for 2 months and was a little depressed maybe? (Just an example). What if I am saved and go through a divorce and get a little nuts for 6 months or so....quit going to church, step out into worldly life for a bit and I die. Am I going to Hell now because I am not serving the Lord, have gone to dance clubs and had sex with my new boyfriend who I am obviously not married to? None of these things are God's will and are clearly sin, does that make me go to Hell now? I think not. I think I would be judged for my actions but my actions do not nullify my salvation.

If you can lose salvation I believe Paul, who was so good at writing out long and clear instructions (I mean look at Romans for pete's sake, it is a long clear cut argument for Christianity with why's and how's) would have addressed this issue long and hard. I believe there would be no question as to how to retain salvation because it would be addressed. What is the point of only telling us how to get salvation only if you can lose it? Wouldn't the Bible give us the various ways we can lose salvation? I think it would be much more clearly addressed.

Which is another kicker..... this is a great reason some of my atheist friends will not believe. They laugh at how us Christians cannot even agree on the salvation event alone much less the rest of the Bible. Well, it makes me mad but they are right. It frustrates me greatly.

I was just wondering what anyone else thought and do your churches teach salvation loss?

Be Of Good Cheer

2010-08-09T17:21:00.003-04:00

What a naughty little blogger I have been lately. I have a great reason why. Not only have I been extremely busy but I have once again (kicking myself) put my personal relationship with the Lord on the back burner. Why oh why would I do that? I know better. I have made it a daily priority since 2007 and I would say a high priority at that. DAILY people.....what do I give Him lately? PRACTICALLY NOTHING. (still kicking myself)

I can be honest enough to admit I quit talking much to the Lord out of guilt from sin. This I really know better about! I know and teach all about grace, who I am in Christ, forgiveness and the blessed mercy seat. I think I let this get out of control when I started the 6 series DVD study at the ladies bible study I teach. We meet every other Thursday and we just met last Thursday and did session 4 so....what, that makes 8 weeks of me blowing God off. NICE.

I can say that I do not EVER want to teach another DVD study ever ever ever again if this is how I am going to behave. Normally I spend hours and hours over the course of days putting together the studies for the group I teach. Yeah um, it was great and I was totally in sync with the Holy Spirit and boy did I get some awesome bible studies out of it thanks to the Holy Spirit and the Lord. Now??? Oh boy. I have been asking God about teaching the ladies class and I know I do not deserve this position the way I am acting right now. Yeah, I got that. I also know I have one more week until lesson 5 and then 2 more weeks until lesson 6 and then 2 more weeks until I have to give my own lesson again. So, that is 5 more weeks that I can still act like a moron without anyone knowing about it.

Last week I prayed and asked God to give me the topic for the next bible study that I would be leading after the DVD study we are now doing is over. I NEVER pick our topics to study. I always wait on the Holy Spirit to give it to me. Which, may I say is mega cool. Anyhoo, I asked God for a topic that would require major studying on my part, something that would not be easy to put together but something that we ladies needed. I asked for something that would have me in the Word for LONG PERIODS of time and also that I would need much revelation through the Holy Spirit to do this study. Basically, I want Him to help me get back to Him and the simplest way to do that is to ask. So, I did. I asked for a study that would challenge me spiritually so much so that I couldn't wing it 'cause I already knew all about it. Ask and you shall receive she says with a repentant heart.

Well, after my prayer the phrase "Be of good cheer" popped into my mind. I looked it up...John 16:33 from the King James translation says be of good cheer in it. Well, I guess that is our main scripture for the study huh? Ya think? I wasn't thinking anything about being of good cheer and it popped into my head so quickly after my prayer that I was momentarily stunned. Then I said "God, is that you"? Knowing it was but still a little unsure since it happened so quickly and since I have been blowing God off for a couple of months now I kinda was unsure of His voice. (yep, still kicking myself). When I was praying I was on my way to an evening service and after I heard the "Be of good cheer" phrase pop in I asked God for a confirmation that was in fact Him I was hearing so that I don't go off and do a study not His will for us. Well, during the service our Pastor basically says the same phrase and talks about staying joyful people and such. I took that as confirmation because he wasn't even preaching on that.....he merely side stepped in his sermon to make that comment. Thanks Lord for the confirmation. So I actually sat down today to study being of good cheer and what that means. Oh yeah baby!!!! Did God EVER grant my prayer request or freaking WHAT?

John 16:33....and the scripture begins with "these things I say to you....." so....... that implies that the being of good cheer is in direct ties with the above 32 other scriptures. In order to do a study that isn't just a "nice feel good study", which I hate those by the way, and do a study that has some major teaching and achieves actual life changing with "how to apply this to your life right here and now" applications I am gonna be in the Word for quite a long while and I see a at least a 2 part study here, maybe 3 lessons. Yep, He gave me exactly what I asked for.

I also think it's a little funny that in one of the 32 previous scriptures Jesus says you will receive what you ask for in His name and that you will receive it so your joy may be full. Well, I asked and I sure did receive. I couldn't make this stuff up, I'm too busy. You know..... I could be given a bizillion topics and stories and I could teach a class off the top of my head or prepare a lesson in under and hour because I already know so much on the topic. What are the odds I ask for something that requires weeks of studying to prepare a lesson and the thing that immediately pops into my head is not something easy that I could not easily prepare for? I could maybe b.s. my way through scripture 33 but you can't do that because it starts of by Jesus saying "these things I say unto you" so I have NO CHOICE to teach on what these things are and how they effect our ability to "be of good cheer".

I also told my pastor on Wednesday evening that I had not been giving my relationship with the Lord the attention it deserves and that I was neglecting it. You know, I am too stinkin honest sometimes, lol. But, I felt it had to be done. He had the most perfect response to what I said and he did what? He encouraged me, that's what he did. Dude, I was expecting anything but that. He told me I was doing an excellent job leading the class. He said his wife loves the studies and he always hears the ladies complimenting what goes on in the class. He said to just get back to studying and praying and everything will be all right and that it is all a battle and I cannot let Satan win. Huh? Wasn't expecting that but how like Jesus he was in that word he had for me. He didn't judge me, he just encouraged me and loved me right where I was. Gives a girl goosebumps it does.

So that is where I have been. Out there in the world. Still going to church 3 times a week and 4 every other week and that's all the time I gave God. Which just goes to show you can't judge someone by their church attendance. I was going to every service but my relationship was at the bottom of the heap. Appearances are deceiving are they not? I am excited by the study the Holy Spirit and I will be putting together and it should be quite interesting. I will post it when I get it done. Yes, that should be WEEKS from now, lmbo. I need it :)

I also had the horrible realization that whilst I am still REELING from the shock and horror of turning 40 on December 21 of 2009 that I will indeed be turning 41 in five more months!!! Oh the humanity........

Jenn

Irreverence In Church

2010-07-13T19:33:00.002-04:00

I took this today during Vacation Bible School. My sweet little Braxton singing Amazing Grace. ACK, could he be any sweeter? So, me, Jennifer, the lady who avoids working with kids like the plague, the woman who runs for cover the moment the mention of a nursery worker is needed is helping with VBS at church. AND, I love it. People, this is complete proof that we do not have to fear doing what God's will is for us because just as His Word says....He will give you the abilities and the desires to do whatever He has planned for you. Uh huh, 'cause this girl has FOUR kids and church is the only place that I can get peace and quiet me time. Can I get an amen from anyone on that? Working with a ROOMFULL of kids is the last thing I want to do at church lol. Until recently when out of the wild blue craziness I took over a class for one of the teachers for the 8-12 year olds and I actually LOVED it. My husband checked me for a fever, he thought I was delirious or something. Then, a month later our Pastor calls and asked if Mike and I would like to lead the Wednesday night 8-12 year old class together as a team. I was instantly excited, again Mike had to check for a fever. I promise y'all I am a good mama, I really am. Anyhoo, I was asked to lead the Hyperspeed Games for the Power Lab Vacation Bible School at church and I was shocked to discover that I didn't hate the idea at all and actually wanted to do it. Now, that is the Lord.

Well, we are two days into VBS and it's pretty fun. I am still in awe that I am saying that. Tomorrow will be a blast, I have some cool games planned for the kids that both involve water. This girl is going to come home soaked and if I have anything to say about it, so will the rest of the VBS kids ha ha. Tomorrow they will even walk on water in one of the group sessions. Apparently if you mix corn starch (lots of it) and water with some blue food coloring it makes a solid like surface for the kids to step into the water and walk on the top of the water. COOL.

I have been so so so busy I have not had time to blog but I have some great stuff bursting inside to come out! I need to write up some posts Thursday for sure. I led our ladies group at church in the Session 2 of Lysa TerKeurst's Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl and oh my. It was AWESOME!!!! I saw light bulbs coming on all over the ladies faces all evening. Can I just say how much I flipping LOVE when I see people getting something? It is the most amazing thing to watch happen. I can see them contemplating, I can see emotions rolling across their faces, I see the frown or the smile pop up and then I see "the look". Inside I am jumping up and down, clapping and cheering for them. That is one of my most favorite parts of teaching, getting to watch the women's faces. Mmmmm, good stuff. I feel so privileged to this calling and this study is truly amazing. I want to write about that night.

Honestly, I am still struggling a little too with me being a very "contemporary" spirited extrovert among "conservative", quiet, reverent ladies. The word reverent has come up quite a lot lately....interesting. It came up 3 times today alone.

Reverent:
1. A feeling of profound awe and respect and often love; veneration. See Synonyms at honor.
2. An act showing respect, especially a bow or curtsy.

You know, I am a VERY casual person. Pomp and circumstance make this girl want to barf. I am not about "show" at all. I live a real life and I talk like a person who lives a real life and not like someone who lives a perfect, holy reverent, most heavenly life. You know what? I think that is okay. I do not curse around anybody ( I can't lie, when I get EXTREMELY angry sometimes words fly out at home.) and I think I conduct myself like a loving Christian person outta. I talk real life and lately I have been chastised of sorts for being "real". So, since the word reverent has come up.... I am wondering if that is God telling me I am not being reverent or is it just the people who "of sorts" are attempting to chastise me bringing it up. I am wondering.....time to do a reality check I suppose. Couldn't hurt to pray about it. Well, I do say though that I do get a great many opportunities to talk to men and women who have very personal tough issues because they know that I will get real with them and actually try to help them and not judge them. So, there.

An example? I was telling someone about my 3 year old calling my 18 year old a butthead in Walmart and as he was calling her that he was singing it. Y'all, it was hysterical!!! My 18 year old recorded it on her phone and we are still listening to it and laughing ourselves into tears. I mean, it's not every day that a girl can get serenaded in the Walmart in a song calling you a butthead and a loserhead. Okay, so....it was funny. Yeah, the old lady listening in didn't think so and dude, it got ugly. I think she wanted to smack me and when my 10 year old laughed about it and actually said the word butthead in church I though the old lady was going to have an actual real life conniption.

Conniption:A fit of violent emotion, such as anger or panic.

So, the conversation ensues that being in God's house should create an atmosphere of holy reverence. I point out of course that God does not live in that building but He lives inside of each of us and we should not act or talk much different in church than we do in our homes, work, cars or anyplace else we may be. If I can't say butthead in church then I shouldn't be saying it anywhere else. Not that I would condone the use of the word butthead or anything, I mean it's only our pet nickname for our 3 year old Braxton. But, in our defense, the kid is a butthead. Just sayin. I laugh about that stuff and maybe I'm wrong but I still say that being in Church should bring a heightened sense of awareness of worship but it should not if bring about personality change. And, I don't care who you are butt humor is good stuff for a 3 year old. I mean, he gives personal invites each and every time he has to pee in the toilet for us all to come watch. A poop event is a must for attendees. He likes an audience. I don't see the problem with a little butt humor, after all, God did create butts. I think he knows about them. Sheesh, live a little people!!!

Do we even want to discuss me telling someone I pray in the shower? I think not. But I do and I think God could care less that I pray naked in the shower. I think he'd rather have me talk to him than not and I do not find that to be irreverent in the least. Why I am running into these uber old fashioned conservatives I do not know. I'd like it to stop but I'll do the inventory check with God just in case.

Love y'all and feel free to give me some "reverent" input.

Jenn

Events of the Last Week

2010-07-07T17:33:00.002-04:00

Well, we are back from being out of town for the funeral. Does being 2 hours away count as out of town? Maybe, but barely. We stayed at the Super 8 in McDonough. Mike was kind enough to get all six of us the "Presidential Suite" ha ha. It was a nice room but one of the AC's didn't work very well in the bedroom that had 2 of the 3 beds. I also found a dead roach in each of the 3 beds, in each fridge and in each bathroom. It got to be like a little "roach hunt" hee hee. Oh, and the master bed blanket had "stuff" on it, ewwww and double ewwwww. After removing most of the bedding, we were so tired we slept there anyway. I told the kids to try not to sleep with their mouths open lest anything crawl in there at night ha ha.

Tons of family came in for Kathy's funeral. It was sad and I tried very hard not to say anything stupid to anyone. When I get nervous I laugh or say stupid things. Mostly, I just shut up and played in the pool with my kids while the family sat around the pool talking. You know 'cause on like NIGHT ONE I had already put my foot in my mouth when someone asked about Mike's mom and where she was and why wasn't she answering her phone so they could give her the news. Mike's mom and Dad do not get along and his dad HATES his mom's husband. So of course I just spit out "Oh they are celebrating their anniversary and are off in the mountains, probably doing the porky dance as we speak". Which was met with silence as everyone looked at Mike's dad to see his reaction to my statement that his ex wife is off porking her husband at that very moment. Then they laughed ( oh thank heavens!). And, I shut up the rest of the week, lol. It was then that I had the most fervent hope that only my family calls sex "porking" and not the rest of the world too so that maybe he had no clue what a "porky dance" was and if you are lucky enough you can even have a "porkfest" which would include a double header. Moving on....

Kathy's life was celebrated and that woman was rockin cool. I'm pretty sure she had no regrets.
I like that.

Sunday I got majorly sick, still am. I don't eat fast food, like ever. Well, we ate fast food on the way down, fast food for dinner, fast food for breakfast, hot dogs and ca ca for lunch. Oy Vey, my tummy!!! I woke up from a nap Sunday and smelled ribs cooking on the BBQ and about lost my cookies. I told Mike we needed to leave immediately for home and come back for the funeral. I was lucky that someone had a phenagrane pill to knock me out for the ride home. It was like morning sickness revisited. I barfed myself well into midnight and then it stopped, blissfully. It was not pleasant reacquainting myself with the toilet as I had not spent so much time with Mr. Toilet since my last pregnancy. I also discovered that Ritz crackers do not taste bad coming back up. Thus far, this is the only food I have had that experience with. I must brag that during my pregnancies I am an avid vomiter and I have much experience with what food tastes like the other way around, lol. We do not want to discuss cookies and cream ice please, circa 1997. So, I feel like death and I have to leave to teach the kids at church tonight. Oh Lord help me, I do not want to go. I feel like doo doo. Mike is stuck on 75 and not moving so I have to do it alone. So, gotta go. Thank you so much for your prayers for our family. Unexpected death really bites and it is so tragic when they are still young. She was barely in her fifties. Thank you again for your prayers.

Jenn

A Death In The Family.

2010-07-01T14:24:00.002-04:00

We had a very unexpected death in our family last night. Mike and I got the call as we were leaving Church. Mike's Aunt Kathy unexpectedly passed away last night. We think it may have been a heart attack, her daughter found her. I would love it if you wouldn't mind praying for Kathy's daughter and for Kathy's mom, Grandma Mary. This is the third child Grandma Mary has had to bury and she is taking it very hard. Nobody expected this to happen, there was no illness. Kathy was only 52.

Aunt Kathy was the most fun lady and she will be sorely missed.

Reflections After Week One of Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl

2010-06-29T11:50:00.005-04:00

I wanted to reflect on how the first week of this study has gone for me and how it has affected me. I do know that the one big thing I took home with me from this first lesson was to replace my "what if's" with God's truth instead. When I heard Lysa talking about how we will say "If only" my husband was more romantic....then I could be happy, I about fell over. Mr. Conviction came and sat right in my lap for that one. She gave several examples of all the "if onlys" we have in our lives and how we look for those things to fill us. And, they never do, do they? She said man wasn't created to be able to fill us, only God can do that. Oh, goosebumps for that one. This was really an aha moment for me.

I have been more than a little discontent with the "romance level" in my marriage and have been at my husband to ya know, step it up at little. I have been feeling quite neglected and unloved. Somewhere along the way though I think I re focused his role in my life and God's role in my life and switched the two around. Hmmmm...... I very unfairly decided that my happiness now lays in my husband's ability to love me, cherish me, romance me, compliment me and in general make me feel good about myself. How unfair of me to put that kind of pressure on someone! And, he wasn't created to do that for me so ultimately he would just fail at it even if he tried to do all of those things. It felt wonderful to be able to release him from that in my mind. Lysa said whatever our "what if" is that we should replace it with scripture that speaks God's truth on that topic instead.

In other words when for instance (let's pick on my husband shall we?) when I am feeling pouty about being neglected and want to wallow in that or complain to myself about it I should instead speak scriptures about what marriage should be in God's Word. I should be quoting about the wonders of God's great love for me. Whatever my negative, turn it into a positive scriptural statement and speak that instead. So, how's that going? It's going wonderfully I must say. Imagine that!

Also, we had a very stressful situation (and I do mean STRESSFUL!!!!) come up on Friday and instead of freaking out I quoted Proverbs 3:5-6 instead. "I will trust in you Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge You and You will make my paths straight." I like it in statement form, personalized, and I speak it to the Lord. Why not? The peace I received through that was really wonderful and we made it through. You see, I replaced my "what if" and "if only" with God's truth instead. I activated my faith and I stood strong in it. In regards to my husband I had an honest conversation with him and let him know that I had been unfair to him. He does acknowledge he needs to step up his "romancing the wife" game and guess what? He has been doing a bang up job of doing just that and I give him big points for doing that. BUT, I want to say, that even though he has stepped up his game it's not what I would fantasize fully my marriage being. I honestly think that if I still had my happiness rooted in his ability to shower me with affection I would still be disappointed with him and it still wouldn't be good enough. You see, there is a big difference between laying my ability to feel loved and happy in the way my husband treats me and letting God fill me up and love me. My husband is icing on the cake, God should be my cake. I enjoy every bit of affection the hubs gives me this week and praise him for it. I receive it as a blessing to further enhance me, not to complete me or fill me.

I found this exercise very freeing! I love how God works through Lysa and He has given her the amazing ability to put things so plainly that they just can't help but impact lives and make complete sense. She totally rawks!

Also, she emphasized how important it is to know who we are in Christ. This was so perfect because I just spent the last two classes of our ladies Bible study at Church teaching on just this topic. The first class was all about who we are in Christ and I had each of the scriptures printed for them to take home (they are also located on my sidebar so go print you some! Don't you want to know who you are in Christ? yep, I thought so.). The second class was titled "The Image of Woman in Christ" and we talked about not getting our value and worth from what we do, our families, our relationships and our physical appearance. This study from Lysa TerKeurst on "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl" was so PERFECT for us. God is so cool like that.

She talked about some other things but the big hammer for me was not looking to things other than God to fill me. You know, I didn't realize I was doing that with my husband either! Ouchies. That and replacing my "if only" with God's truth instead. Can you imagine how amazing our lives could be if we never said "if only" again? Last Friday it just clicked when the stressful financial situation came up and I heard myself saying "if only......" and I just stopped right there. Instead I quoted Proverbs 3:5-6 immediately and I had peace. WOW. What if we all did that all the time? You know, with everything? I can't begin to imagine how activating our faith in this way would change our lives! I will be doing this as regularly as I can catch my self saying those negative and defeating words "if only" and "what if".

I am looking forward to our Session 2 which we will be doing on July 8. I was super excited when I received an email the day after our Session One study and one of the ladies said it was a great study and she enjoyed it very much. That made my day. I don't need personal kudos from my work in church but you know, feedback is very important. I really love knowing what I need to improve on and it makes me so happy to hear someone tell me that a study impacted their life. It's a total spiritual high and I'm like "Yeah God, you rock"!

I can't encourage you enough to read her book AND buy the DVD study just for yourself even if you have to. The DVD study was $24.99 and the workbook is around $9. AMAZING!!! I will be loaning this bad boy out for years to come I am sure. I promise you that if you are open to recieve, this will change you. One session into six and I have already had a major revelation, let my husband be released from unfair expectations that he could never fill anyways, and found the ability to release my faith in circumstanes where before it just felt good to complain about. Oh yeah, this is a life changer or as I like to call it "Spiritual Gold".

Love y'all,

Jenn

Weigh In Day 06/25/10

2010-06-25T08:23:00.002-04:00

Well it's Friday Weigh In Day. I seriously debated about doing a weigh in since I am focusing on strength training for the last couple of weeks. Building muscle means losing fat but gaining muscle which is heavier than fat. The end result being losing fat, gaining muscle and the scale shows no weight loss or (dun dun dunnnn) weight gain. I have been at a plateau for well over a month and I was happy to have begun losing slightly again. Of course I went and started a strength training regimen so I knew I wouldn't lose this week. I just knew it.

I decided to weigh myself anyway and sure enough. I am half a pound heavier than I was last week. BARF. I shouldn't have weighed. I honestly feel like I have lost weight in my waist though. I had on a pair of jeans yesterday that I am quite familiar with and they were looser on me than they have ever been. So, I think I am putting on muscle. I have noticed a very big increase of muscle tone in my legs, especially my thighs. Before I started working out there was nothing hard about my thighs, just flesh and bone and soft. Now they are very defined and mostly hard, only a little softness which we shall be honest and call fat. Also, my arms are much less flabby and the biceps are becoming quite well defined. Mama used to have some big guns :) Ha ha, I used to have bigger biceps than lots of guys due to my job. I can see the muscle memory coming back. SO, I am trying not to let the numbers on the scale defeat me. It is a little disheartening to be at a plateau for such a long time. I desperately want to leave this weight bracket and I am in and see the second number of my weight move to a new and lower number. I won't give up though. I had to give away more clothes this week too :) Our church does Hope For The Hungry and I just give the clothes to them to give away.

Also, I am feeling so very much better about myself. Do you remember the post I did where I wrote about some local ladies and I chatting about "do you walk naked around your husband talk" and the "letting him see you naked standing up versus laying down only" and/or "letting him see you naked laying down or standing up but it has to be dark only" It was hysterical! Anyhoo, my husband was kidding around with me the other day and he asked me if I was ready to start walking around naked yet in the full daylight. (Gasp!) I laughed and told him he could see me naked at dusk ha ha. You know, it's light but not so much :) We laughed.

Jenn

Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl....Let The Study Begin!

2010-06-24T14:27:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I took a Total Body Conditioning class at the Y and I am so stinkin sore today I can barely make myself move. We not only did walking lunges which are the worst of the worst but after we did the walking lunge we had to do a huge hop and end up in a squat. Oh my aching thighs. We did things I have never seen before! And, oh my. We did something with hand weights that have my sides absolutely so sore but if you have any kind of fat on your sides, you know the fat that will hang over the side of your bra, this move will certainly take care of THAT problem. OY VEY. It hurts but it is a great kind of hurt. I am highly encouraged and feeling energized. Although I have to teach a ladies bible study class tonight and I just may have to do it laying down ha ha.

I am so so so super excited to begin leading this class tonight.

Lysa TerKeurst's DVD study on "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl". I watched all six sessions yesterday and oh my were they powerful! I feel so inspired, convicted, encouraged, blessed and I even had a fantastic revelation concerning my marriage when I watched them. Oh my. I just love Lysa so much, she is my spiritual mentor. I can't wait to go through this study with the ladies from church and I just pray they receive from the study like I have. I really enjoyed the book she wrote too but oh my there was something about listening to her talk during the teaching sessions that shook me. I really felt the Lord speaking things to me! We have just finished a study on "Who We Are In Christ" and "The Image of Woman in Christ" and after the last class I just didn't want to speak at all. Long story. I really just felt like we should do this study and I just went out and bought it. I thought I was doing this on my own....with no direction from the Holy Spirit like I always wait for to do our studies....but I can see now that my feeling like we should do this study was God all along. Oh, there could not in the entire world be a study more wonderful to follow the 2 we just did on who we are in Christ than this study by Lysa. Thank you Lord, you just always manage to do that don't you? God is so present in this......I tear up just thinking about the amazing things He is going to do in and through us with this study!!!!! I just love my Lord so much!!!!! I can't wait for tonight!

Edited in: The study went great! All the ladies really seemed to enjoy it and take it in. They were very open to discuss the "if only's" in their lives and I also discussed mine. We had a nice time encouraging each other and brainstorming ways to help each other. I felt like it went over really well and was a blessing to the women who came. I always like to leave feeling like the study for the night was well worth their time. Tonight I definitely felt like it was which was great considering how excited I get about anything that Lysa TerKeurst does :) She is the bomb digety!

Jenn

Funny But True Gynocologist Stories

2010-06-20T19:04:00.004-04:00

As I was listening to the melodious sounds of my children fighting the other day it reminded me that I needed to call the doctor to schedule my annual pap smear and renewal of birth control. In honor of said upcomming visit to the gyno I thought I'd post some really funny but true stories from myself and my friends of past visits to the gynocologist. 'Cause you know....we're naked, in stirrups and someone is diving & prodding around in strange places.....so many possibilities abound for embarrassment.

1. From a lady who worked for me: "Jennifer I finally realized yesterday that I am officially old." Me: "Why"?. Her: "I went to the gyno for my annual yesterday. I put on the paper shirt & covered myself with the paper sheet and waited for the doctor. When the doctor walked in I couldn't believe my eyes! It was "Little Scottie". He used to be my son's best friend and he played at my house with my son just about every day for years. I used to change that boy's diapers. We both laughed when he walked in and I told him that even though I'd changed his diapers there was no way this side of heaven I was going to get into those stirrups and let him give me a breast exam and a pap smear!" Me: laughing to death. Her: "He said, oh don't worry Mrs. (insert name) I examine old ladies all the time". "I told him to get out."

2. My story: When I had to get an exam my husband went with me because we had places to go afterwards. Actually, we weren't even married yet. Anyhoo, when the doctor came in Mike went out to wait in the hallway. Now, I am EXTREMELY tickelish and I forgot to tell Mike that I always laugh during the breast exam. I think perhaps I am the only female in the world who laughs during a breast exam but, I do. Every. stinkin. time. So, Mike is out in the hall and of course the doctor does his thing and I start laughing and it wasn't long before Mike knocks on the door and whispers "Is everything okay in there?" I can only imagine what he was thinking and when Mike did that the doctor, the nurse and I started laughing ourselves silly. The doctor opens the door and I tried to explain that I always laugh during that part of the exam and Mike raised an eyebrow and said "Okay, carry on." and he went back out into the hallway. That was pretty funny and he never went to the gyno with me again unless it was for a pregnancy.

3. A friend: During the pushing stage of delivering her daughter my friend started screaming loudly due to the pain. She had no epidural so it was very painful for her. The doctor became irritated with her yelling and told her that she needed to be quiet. She said she needed to yell to cope with the pain so she continued to yell during pushing. Once again the doctor told her to be quiet and said she was giving him a headache. She said "I'll give you a headache" and with that she used the stirrups as leverage and pushed herself up into the air and swung her butt forward and smacked that doctor right in the face with her vagina. Yes she did. Needless to say the doctor shut up and my friend didn't. I'm pretty certain she never saw him again. hee hee hee.

4. Grandma: Grandma lived in an extremely small farming town and when I was visiting her one summer we drove over an hour to go to the gyno for her. I asked her why she didn't use the in town doctor and she said she couldn't. Her face got red so I knew then something pretty good must have happened. So, I nagged Grandma to tell me and she did. She said during her last pap smear at the worst possible moment when the doctor scoots his chair and goes in close to start the exam, he reached his hand up and pushed on her belly causing her fart right in his face. Me: "Oh no grandma, you didn't"! Her: "Oh yes I did and I have been hiding from him ever since". Poor grandma. It was a very small town.

5. A friend: A friend once shared with me that she thought her gyno was super hot and sexy. She said she was always making up excuses to go in there to see him for exams. Me: "Okay that's gross and I just got a baby barf when you told me that". Her: "Well, I can't do that anymore. On my last visit he told me that he appreciated all the "extra business" but he knew I was making up excuses to come in there and be examined and he asked me if I'd cut it out. Me: "Awkward."

6. My Story: On a set up date from a friend my date tells me he is a gynocologist about a third of the way into the date. I was immediately grossed out and let him know that there was no way on earth I could ever date a gynocologist but I said it nicely. GROSS. Then I thought I'd do his patients a favor and tell him that those stupid posters of cats hanging from trees with the caption "Hang in there." over our exam tables for us to look at while they are in our choo choos torturing us do not help at all. If you want to distract us you could put up a poster of a hot half naked man or something. If I see one more cat hanging from a tree telling me to hang in there while some doctor has his hand and 27 other utensils up my vagina....well, you know. He laughed and said he'd do just that. So, if you live in Marietta, Georgia and you gyno has posters of hot guys on the ceiling for you to look at, you can thank me. Of course now I wouldn't think that was appropriate but in my twenties it was completely appropriate :)

7. Final Story and My Most Embarrassing Moment EVER. After not being able to become pregnant my gyno sent me to Mercy Hospital in Miami for a test. A nurse took me into a very large operating room and got me ready. I found it odd that we needed to be in such a large room but didn't think much of it. Then she gets me into the stirrups and STRAPS MY LEGS IN. I knew then this was going to hurt like a #@!&. A doctor I have never seen before walks in shortly after and explains all the horrible things he is going to do to me like dialiting my cervix and inserting a dye into me and after that he may or may not crawl up in there and take a nap or something. I was still stuck on me being strapped in and unable to run like hell. He removes my paper sheet so I am only wearing a shirt now and completely exposed to the world. Ahem. Now, let me preface this by saying that I married my high school sweetheart and thus far into my life only my husband and my gynocoligist have ever seen me in any form of nakedness. Plus, I was quite shy at that time in my life. So, I am super embarrassed to be in a large cold room strapped into stirrups with a doctor I don't know and 3 other nurses. Well, the doctor announces that "we can begin now, nurse please let everyone come in". My head snaps up so fast there may have been a sonic boom in the room and I say "OTHERS"? The nurse opens the door and 12, yes TWELVE of the most gorgeous TV doctor series worthy, could have passed for Chippendale dancers, men walk into the room. Now, since my arms and legs are strapped in my head is the only thing moving and as they all gather around for the party I was like "What is going on?" and I wanted to die of embarrassment and I am certain I must have turned every shade of red in the color wheel. The doctor says, "Oh, didn't anyone tell you this is a teaching hospital and these are college students". Then he asks me if I mind if they all take a turn doing parts of the procedure. Then they just begin doing it anyway, probably because I was unable to speak at that point. Can you imagine? It was painful as @!#* and then I figured out why three nurses were needed, yep, to hold me down from trying to unstrap myself and haul tail. It wasn't a test, it was like a bad scene from some kind of bad B horror movie and I was the half naked girl who gets it in the end of the movie. I have never in my life been more embarrassed than being strapped onto a table and having 13 males gathered around me taking turns diving into little Miss. Jenn. When they were waiting for the dye to do it's job they all just gathered around in little groups analyazing little Miss. Jenn and took turns poking and prodding and discussing her. I was like "Don't you guys have corpses you can do this to?" and they laughed. What was so funny? I've never been so glad to put my clothes on and haul butt in my life! Too much for me! That was beyond horrifying.

Well, hope you had a good laugh. I know I did. Another fun Gyno fact: Georgia Congressman P.G. representing the Marietta area used to be one of my gynocologists. He's probably the only Congressman who can say he's seen thousands of his constituants butt naked and not have been cheating on his wife, lol. He was an excellent doctor, very gentle and professional. He was very kind to me during a bad pregnancy. Kudos to great gyno turned Congressman P.G.

We had a nice Father's Day around here and I hope everyone else did too. We went to Olive Garden with my parents and it was nice. I do love me some Olive Garden.

Me, my parents, and Amber. Braxton is just behind my mom looking at a man we told him was "Santa".

Me, Mike, Lexie and Braxton. Brandon was the picture taker of the day.

Jenn

Weigh In Day & The Office is FINALLY Moved

2010-06-18T19:33:00.003-04:00

I am so happy the big office move is FINALLY over! I put two new signs over mine and Mike's desks. His says "If you are what you eat then I'm fast easy and cheap". It suits Mr. I'll have a Number 2 w/ cheese and a diet coke please. Gross, I never eat fast food. Once again may I ponder the question of how Mike and I ever got together? My sign says "Marriage... the last real decision a man gets to make". hee hee hee My sign is going over real big with the men ha ha. It is so nice to be able to spread out. I LOVE the new office space. We should have hogged up the basement a long time ago.

Today was my weigh in day too. I only lost half a pound BUT, I have been doing strength training so I do know I am building muscle. So I am not concerned about the number count going down. I also put on a pair of pants this week that barely fit me last week and yesterday they fell right off so I feel good that I lost more fat off the ole body. Needless to say, I threw the pants out and it felt so excitingly nice to do that. All of my pants are super loose. My old pair of skin tight jeans will fall down to the floor with a little tug. Me thinks it's time to buy new pants :) Oh my I do hate it when I have to go shopping (NOT!). All this is so exciting to me!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe after 10 years of moaning and groaning about losing weight it is finally happening! I just had to get determined and committed about it and of course do a little study on Mary and Martha to see that I had been making the wrong choices like Martha was. God is so good.

I met with my Wellness Coach today at the YMCA too. He is really great to work with and he was really helpful today helping me tailor a strength training routine for the next month at least. I had to give him 3 goals I have to work to achieve until we meet again on July 16. The first was to lose at least 7 pounds. The second was to still have plenty of energy by 5pm which is usually when I go downhill. The third is that I will commit to switching around my cardio routine. I am a creature of habit so I usually find something I like and stick with it. He says that is bad and even though I love love love my Zumba dance aerobic classes I need to switch things up. So I will do what he says, obviously he knows more than I do. So, those are my goals for the next month.

I was a little horrified today in Zumba class when a man (gasp!) snuck into our class not quite halfway into the class. Okay, there are just some places men do not belong and a Zumba class is one of them. I can tell you he enjoyed himself immensely! He was smiling big the whole time the big dummy dumb head. Why shouldn't he? I mean he was just in a room with 30 women dancing like strippers all around him. AND, of course this was the class that is majorly focused on the abs so that means TONS and TONS of shaking our booties, popping locking and dropping, and belly dancing. Well, at least he did everything we did. He seemed to like it best during the kick boxing to the Black Eyed Peas "Boom Boom Pow". I think most of us were aggravated he was in there. I didn't have a measuring tape but I am sure my butt was no less than 4 inches from his face at one particular time. Awkward. He so does not need to come into that room again. Amen.

My son Brandon has asked a girl out on a date for this Saturday. She said yes, thankfully. He is outside now flirting with her. Isn't young love sweet? This will be his first date. He is going to be 13 in 2 weeks so I let him ask her. I'm sure she will have to bring a friend, they are a little young but Brandon is such a sweet little gentleman. I'm not worried about him.

My Saturday night will be it's usual exciting (NOT!) self. I was so bored last Saturday night I created an event on my Facebook page called "Another Boring Saturday Night". Yes, this is how I entertain myself. I didn't think anyone would be able to see it because I didn't invite anyone to my BIG EVENT. Well, I was wrong. Everyone I am friends with on FB could see it and I got some funny messages about it. One other friend and my daughter have R.S.V.P'd to "Another Boring Saturday Night" for this Saturday. haha. If you are having another boring Saturday night feel free to stop by my event page and R.S.V.P. too. We can all be bored together!

Have a great Father's Day weekend!

Jenn

Going Back To College

2010-06-14T10:43:00.002-04:00

Four super cool people :) I believe what we are looking at are 2 second degree black belts, one fourth degree black belt and my daughter (in the grey) who is a red belt and will receive her first degree black belt in November. Don't they look happy? This was on Sunday at a graduation party.

Can you guess who the fourth degree black belt is? It's the blonde in the blue! She can kick all of our booties, yes she can. My son (almost 13) is a first degree black belt. Amber is a red belt also :) I would have taken karate with them but I have issues with someone hitting me, no thanks. My sweet little Amber can put me in an arm hold and have me on my knees crying "UNCLE" in a matter of seconds. She thinks it's funny. Her favorite is to sneak up behind me and do something with my fingers where she bends them back and pushes on a pressure point. Yep, down on my knees again "Uncle, Uncle!". It's fun to beat up mommy. She better watch it though since I have been taking some kick boxing classes.

Today I am going to purchase Lysa TerKeurst's DVD series on "Becomming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl" and the workbook for the ladies class I teach at my church. I think I want Lysa to talk for a bit and not me. I'm looking forward to it. I have read the book twice, she is my spiritual mentor. Love her.

I think it will be good for me to shut up for awhile :) It is really hard for me to tame my tongue. I've mostly accomplished it. About 97% of the time I don't say what is running through my head, thank goodness. It's a veritable comedy hour going on in Jenn's head. Well, to me it is.

I'm going down tomorrow to see about enrolling at Chattahoochee Technical College to start my 2 year business degree. Mr. Walker wants me to do all kinds of new things that I have no idea how to do so I am going to classes to learn how. I figure I'll just get a degree while I am there since I got married right out of high school and don't have one. This will be helpful in the near future when I may need to get a job not working for Mike. I've only ever been a Produce Manager, what do I know about web design? Now he wants me to do marketing stuff too? Lexie and I can start college at the same time, lol. Hello, still can't believe I am old enough to have a kid in college, especially when there is still a 3 year old running around the house. 40 years old and starting college, this sure has been some year! December 21, 2009 was a dark dark day, 40, bleck. But, at least it has motivated me to change everything about my life that I do not like. So, that is a positive and it only shows that I had the ability to change it all along but didn't and can only blame myself and no one else. Maybe turning 40 will be good for me? I know one thing, I refuse to cook a lot lately and that definitley makes moi happy. I hate it with a passion. My mom says it's the change of life that's making me act this way. I am not sure what that means but after she said that on Saturday I recalled my mom turning 40 and boy oh boy did she go wild. And that's saying something 'cause my parents were already kinda out there. They were still clubbing all through my teen years. They just like to dance together. They were always wildly, madly and passionately in love. But mom sure did give dad a run for his money in her forties. I'd forgotten about that. So, maybe what I am going through is normal? I know one thing, I refuse to settle anymore. I think that's a good thing.

Hope you have an awesome day,

Jenn

Weigh In Day 6/11/10

2010-06-11T08:37:00.004-04:00

This is where I take my Zumba classes. And today is Friday Weigh In Day!! YAY, I lost another pound this week!!!!!!!!!! So happy about that. I am at a 10 year low now. This is what I weighed right after I had Amber 3 weeks before I turned 30. So, this is pretty exciting for me. I was always skinny before I had my little Amber cat so I feel like getting back to this weight is very good for me. It's a mental thing I think but I am very excited. When I take my classes I always stand in the back by the big black stereo box in the far back on the left. It's my little spot :)

I feel pretty good about losing the pound because I didn't get on my non functioning treadmill Saturday. Sunday I did 30 minutes on the Stairmaster at the Y. Monday and Tuesday I did hour long Zumba classes. Wednesday my inner thighs were screaming for mercy and I had a business meeting/lunch at City Hall with the Ball Ground Business Association, the mayor and the City Manager (which was awesome by the way.) so I didn't take a class that day.Thursday I took a Zumba Xpress class that was only 30 minutes. So not bad for only doing that much exercise. I am still taking my vitamins and the B12 has helped me tremendously. The first day I took it at 2pm like a dummy and I was up until 3am. Sooooo, I think we can deduce that B12 does in fact give one energy. I will take a Zumba class at 10am today for an hour too :) Oh, yesterday I took the kids to the pool at the Y. I don't know if that counts as exercise or not but I was moving my arms and kicking my legs so I count it.

Braxton loves the current pool. He had never been in it before and I wrapped us both up in a noodle and let the strong current drag us around and he squealed with happiness. We did get a little scraped up though when a strong current got us and some other kids and we all got slammed against the wall. My elbow is scraped up and my chin. It looks like I did a face plant ha ha. Brandon's nose is scraped up and Braxton got his arm hurt. I tried to absorb all the impact so the kids wouldn't get hurt. Alas, we all got it a little bit. It was fun anyway. I was also happy that I didn't feel the least bit self conscious yesterday too. You know women and bathing suits....but I really think all the studying and preparing I have been doing on who we are in Christ and Satan's influence on our physical appearance being part of our worth has done me some great good. I don't think I've ever sauntered around in a bathing suit and not been self conscious. Even when I was a size 3. That's saying something. I felt happy and perfectly happy with myself. Thank you Lord for that work. I am just me, a work in progress and my Father loves me and that's all that matters. It was really nice to just feel comfortable with myself, bathing suit and all.

I have quit skipping meals all the time now too so I think that's why I had a month long stand still with my weight. I didn't gain at least but I do try to eat lunch now. I don't like to eat breakfast. I don't care if it is the most important meal of the day. I was only eating dinner before most of the time. Honestly, I wasn't hungry but I have decided that I need to eat a little something for lunch. That's how I got the weight problem to begin with, not eating while Amber was hospitalized. Goodness, I think I used to go days without food and then I'd eat one meal and go for days again. Boy did it mess up my body when I started eating again. Lesson learned there.

I am giving away a bunch of my clothes today. Before I think I may have saved them in case I gained the weight back but I feel confident that there is no going back. I am very happy to give my clothes away and buy much smaller ones :) I'm looking forward to buying even smaller ones than the ones I am buying now :) As a funny note, I bought a new hot pink shirt and it is very pretty (with my Kohl's cash of course!) and I wore it Wednesday and I was with my husband the ENTIRE day. We even had our business meeting/lunch at City Hall together. I was curious if he would notice my new shirt. Why, I don't know. I guess I wanted him to notice me. So, of course he never says a word about it. Then late in the evening I said "Did you notice my new shirt?" (you know because us gals spend oodles of time buying just the right shirt so we can knock you socks off and hope you will think we look great and say something nice to us.) and he says "What new shirt, you've had that for at least 2 years". I say "I just bought it." He says "No you didn't, I've seen you wear that before". "Um,no" I say. He looks at me like I am a big fat liar. Then I realize he is talking about a magenta (not hot pink like I am wearing now) shirt I had that is now ENTIRELY way to big on me and I cannot wear anymore without my boobs falling out, thank you very much. And, I laughed myself silly. We ladies put so much thought into what we wear sometimes and men in general, I think, don't even look at the small details. They are just looking at us, not analyzing us and sizing us up. I think they are just happy to be with us and glad that we look nice but perhaps they don't take in every detail like us gals do. So, maybe I shan't be hurt when Mikey Poo doesn't notice something new. He's not trying to be hurtful. I must confess though that I do enjoy once or twice a year playing the "Did you notice anything new about me"? game with him. There isn't anything new, I just like to watch the look of panic on his face as he scans me over and over trying to figure out what he didn't notice and how much trouble he is going to be in if he doesn't figure it out. hee hee.

Jenn

The Image of Woman In Christ (Satan's Influence)

2010-06-10T21:40:00.002-04:00

I put together this study that I led tonight at church using a study Wendy Blight did and I also did my own partial study and combined Wendy's and mine together. I want to give you the links to what she did because she did an excellent study and I think you would really enjoy reading it and men also if you want to understand women better. I will post the links to Wendy's study at the bottom. Let's start with Wendy's prayer shall we?

“Father, Help me to discover the woman You have created me to be. Father may I know deep in my heart that I am holy, created in Your image, and set apart for Your purpose. Open my eyes to see my true beauty, a beauty that reflects Your heart, Your character, Your strength, and Your dignity.”- Wendy Blight

The Image of Woman in Christ Part 2 (Satan’s Influence on us)

Make this your daily declaration…..- Wendy Blight

I am loved by God I am Holy
Galations 2:20; Ephesians 1:4 Hebrews 10:10, 2 Timothy 2:21

I am Forgiven I am Set Apart
John 3:16; Acts 13:38-39 Jeremiah 1:5

I am a New Creation I am Made with a Purpose
2 Corinthians 5:17 Jeremiah 29:11 Eph 2:10 1 Ptr 4:10

I belong to God I am Protected by God
2 Corinthians 6:16-18 Psalm 28:7; Isaiah 41:10

I am a Temple of the Holy Spirit
1 Corinthians 3:16-17; 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

1. We are created in God’s Image. God and God alone is the source of our identity. God and God alone is the one to define us. No one else has that right. –Wendy Blight

2. Let’s look at who this beautiful creature called woman is that God so carefully and masterfully created….who the world so easily criticizes and seeks to redefine? Who does God say that she is?
a. First, God’s final creation….His masterpiece…..was a woman! After woman was created, creation was complete. -Wendy Blight

b. When God created woman he wanted an Ezer Kenegdo for man. That is what the original Hebrew text says. Ezer means a strength, a power or to save. Kenegdo means equal to, alongside, counterpart. Counterpart is my favorite definition of kenegdo. Counterpart means:1 : one of two corresponding copies of a legal instrument : duplicate
2 a : a thing that fits another perfectly b : something that completes : complement
3 a : one remarkably similar to another b : one having the same function or characteristics as another. God is our Ezer, our strength, our hope, our power. We are meant to be man's Ezer but yet equal to, alongside also.

God did not create us to be meek and weak. We were created beautiful and given as a bride to Adam, first man. God made Eve desirable to Adam and Satan has pounced on this aspect of God’s masterpiece to divide woman from God and from her true place alongside man.

3. In the Garden of Eden Satan twisted God’s Word. Eve made the grave mistake of conversing with Satan, and his question provided her the opportunity to change and interpret God’s words to her. Eve must not have really knows God’s Word. She did not have it hidden deep in her heart. Perhaps she heard what God said and never took it to heart. Or perhaps God spoke it to Adam and Adam then told Eve, so she never heard it herself. Either way, they were words she heard but did not truly KNOW. They were not etched into her heart and mind. She did not learn them with a heart bent toward obedience. Because she did not truly know God’s word, Satan was able to deceive her.- Wendy Blight

a. We can’t believe Eve was so easily deceived but let’s look at how we ourselves have let Satan deceive us by convincing us that our worth is based upon how we look on the outside. If I don’t look good enough then I’m not good enough. How about that our worth/value is based on works? When we try to earn God’s love and affection through works it leaves us in a cycle of motivation, frustration, deactivation and then rededication. Let’s not look down too harshly on Eve. Might that same cycle listed above be some of the things we do in relationships with men to seek their affection and love? “Oh if I look good enough he will love me, if I do special things for him, he will love me.”Oops, hello Mr. Conviction, nice to see you. You can’t earn God’s love, you already have it. Just because. And if you have to “do” and “look” good enough to get and keep a man’s love that man does not deserve you. You will “do” because you want to out of love, not because you have to. You will want to “look” good because of health reasons, because your body is a holy temple and for a normal sense of well being. Not because you have to look a certain way to get attention or be accepted. If you feel you have to be or look sexy to get men’s attention, that is a serious problem and Satan’s deception has crept in. The right man for you does not need you strutting your stuff for every other man to see. And certainly, a godly man would not want you to while you were dating and after you were married. You are holy.

4. Jesus knew the power and significance of God’s Word because in the wilderness each time Satan tempted Him, He rebuked Satan saying, “It is written,” and then quoted His Father’s Word. Jesus was able to stand firm against every temptation Satan threw at Him because HE KNEW HIS FATHER’S WORD! –Wendy Blight. We need to know what God’s Word says about who we are so that when Satan is whispering all that we are not, we can tell him all that we are and in the name of Jesus to scat!

5. What might Satan have learned from the exchange in the Garden of Eden? First, woman was easily deceived. Secondly, the woman was able to get man to do what he would not have ordinarily done on his own. Thirdly, when the time came to be accountable for his actions, man blames the woman and God for giving her to him. It’s the perfect plan. Deceive women into believing lies contrary to God’s Word. Use them to manipulate men into sin. Separate both man and woman from God by shame, guilt and blame towards each other and God.

6. God creates women of strength and beauty. He creates women with the desire that they will be a powerful (Ezer) influence for His Kingdom in their culture and in their world. Satan plots to destroy that strength (Ezer) and beauty. He wants weak, despairing, fearful women who will shrink back, blend in, and be absorbed by their culture and the world.- Wendy Blight

a. Satan assaults us from every direction. Billboards all across America display perfectly formed, unbelievablely beautiful, half-naked women selling beer, lingerie, jewelry, and sporting events. A plethora of magazine covers appear at every check out counter telling us how to lose weight fast and how to have better sex. We cannot turn on the radio without receiving sexual, sensual images. By looking, watching, listening, and buying we perpetuate these lies. The media wins. They fill our mind with lies and, by doing so, destroy our self esteem, value and worth. In fact, repeated exposure to much of much of what the media feeds over time actually desensitizes, not only us, but this precious generation of young women to what is impure, ungodly, and immoral. Our culture awakens our senses to immorality to the point that we have been taught most of our lives is ungodly and immoral is really now viewed as natural and acceptable. –Wendy Blight

b. There is one solution to this problem. The only long-lasting eternal solution to defeat these lies is for us to know WHO WE ARE IN CHRIST. –Wendy Blight

7. We, as believers in Jesus, are God’s workmanship. In Greek, workmanship as used here means “work of art, a work done with extraordinary skill; a supreme achievement.” We are a work completely created and fashioned by the very Hand of God.- Wendy Blight

a. What does this mean? It means that we are not created to squeeze into a fabricated mold…not made to look like the girl on the cover of a magazine. God created us with the express desire that we journey through life with our eyes fixed on Him. It is in this posture that we will discover who we are in Him…our unique gifts and talents…our specific calling…our purpose on this earth – Wendy Blight.

8. Women were made to be strong. Satan wants us weak. Scripture even compares us to pillars in the book of Psalms. The Hebrew word David uses is “omenoth” the root word meaning “to stand firm, to stand immovable.” “In a building, a pillar is a prominent support, the ultimate stay of the building. That is who God calls us to be…in our homes, in our families, and in our culture” – Wendy Blight.

a. The same scripture goes even further and says we are “carved to adorn a palace”. Ornate pillars give a building it’s uniqueness; they grace it with beauty and charm. And what is so important to remember is that sometimes the more carved and ornate the pillar, the more time and labor it took the artist to create it. So it is with us, sometimes the deeper our pain, the longer our suffering, the more beautiful we are and the more useful we are to God because He uses our pain for His glory –Wendy Blight.

9. A woman who knows who she is in Christ refuses to live beneath her privilege as a child of the King because she knows her worth. God has blessed her with everything she needs to fulfill her role as a child of God.

Please do not let your identity/value/worth be tied into what you look like and what you do or what you have done. We don’t see men prancing around trying to be more manly. They accept who they are and they walk in it. We pour hot wax all over our bodies for pete’s sake. If men ever really studied all the stuff we do to be desirable to them, they’d probably laugh themselves silly. We let ourselves be manipulated by Satan so that we can do his work and manipulate men also. How hard must it be for a good Christian man who wants to be like Jesus to walk around in this world with so many women showing everything they’ve got and offering up a veritable buffet of eye candy! Let’s not feel less than also because we don’t think we measure up to the beautiful women we see plastered all over. Know who you are in Christ and let that be your true source of identity, value and worth. Anything else is just icing.

For Wendy's Study's on "Are You Believing The Lies?" you can click on the links below.

http://www.wendyblight.com/2009/09/how-do-you-define-yourself.html

http://www.wendyblight.com/2009/09/are-you-believing-lies-part-2.html

http://www.wendyblight.com/2009/09/are-you-believing-lies-part-3.html

http://www.wendyblight.com/2009/09/are-you-believing-lies-part-4.html

http://www.wendyblight.com/2009/10/are-you-believing-lies-final-chapter.html

I hope you enjoyed it! I know I did.

Love y'all,

Jenn

Ezer Kenegdo, What Woman Was Intended To Be (A repost) Just 'Cause I like It.

2010-06-10T09:14:00.003-04:00

In preparing for our ladies Bible study last week I did some extensive reading & studying on the topic of woman. Specifically I zoned in on what God's intent was when he created woman. I gotta be me so I have to be honest here. I have NEVER accepted the term help meet or helper suitable or any other of the translations. WHY Jennifer you may ask? Don't you believe the Bible? First, yes absolutely I believe. Here is why though..... bear with me 'cause this is gonna blow your socks off if you read all the way through.

In Genesis 2:18 we see the first mention of woman where in our English translated Bibles we see God saying I will make a help meet for him. Speaking of Adam being alone in the garden. So as much as we ladies try to make ourselves feel better about the term help meet it so implies inequality, it feels less than man. However, in the Life App. Bible study guide and any other study I have seen we are taught that Adam & Eve were equal at creation & they were to co-rule the earth together. All that got messed up at original sin in the garden but.... how can we be taught that they were equal co-rulers at creation & at the same time call Eve Adam's help meet? Can somebody tell me what a help meet is anyway? Again, being honest here I think that term is degrading & it has been used to keep women in a place of servitude throughout the ages. For years I have been taught that it was our job to "help the men out". WHAT? We are so much more than helpers.... serving is highly exalted in God's kingdom, Jesus came to serve but somehow I just always felt this was so not all there was to woman.

Clearly in Genesis 1:28 when God blesses Adam & Eve he gives them both the same command to rule & subdue the earth and also procreate. He did not say Adam do these things and Eve you help him. So, I do believe the teachings that say they were equal at creation. Still though to this day we say we are help meets & that just doesn't spin as equal to me. Also, if Eve's job was to help Adam why was she not present in the verses before where we see Adam all alone working hard to name everything God had created. Name EVERYTHING? Surely Adam was working long hard hours, he probably got quite hungry and such while he was busy coming up with names for the animals & such. Why would God not have given Adam his helper when he was doing all this work? After all, Eve could have picked some veggies & made Adam a nice salad while he was working so hard & brought him a little drinky. She could have been busy organizing the animals & such. You know, helping Adam out?

I decided to look up the Hebrew words from the Torah that were the original words that we translated to get the English words help meet. I just knew there was more to woman than a help meet. The Hebrew words that are in the Torah where God says I will make a __________ __________ for him are the words Ezer Kenegdo. So then I looked up the definitions of Ezer & Kenegdo.

God says he is going to make an Ezer for man. Did you know that the word Ezer is only in the Old Testament in Hebrew 21 times? Only 1 time does the word Ezer refer to woman. The other 20 times it is refering to God himself! Did you get that? God is OUR Ezer. That just rocked my female world may I say. Before we go further, God says he is going to make an Ezer for man. At the same time 20 other places God is our Ezer.

Ezer is made up of two root words which mean to be strong or to save, it also means powerful. Eight of the 20 times that Ezer is used it is in reference to God saving man. It is used in a time of desperation where man needs God to come to his rescue or he will die. God is their only hope, he is their Ezer. The other twelve times it is used in reference to God being their strength. Tomorrow I will give you some of these verses in detail. For today a couple examples okay? You know the verse, Casting Crowns even has a song about it..... "I lift mine eyes up to the hills, where does my help (Ezer) come from, my help (Ezer) comes from the Lord." or this one..... you are my shield and my strength (ezer).

In all twenty cases of God being the Ezer he is helping man in some capacity. He is either literally saving their lives or He is their strength and sustainer. This may be why we have the term "help" coming from the word Ezer because when God is the Ezer, he is helping man. But um, he is not doing man's laundry or cooking him dinner. Somehow the meaning behind being an Ezer has gotten lost to us. God is not beneath us & yet He is our Ezer. God is all powerful. the Father of all, the Creator of every single thing and yet...... He is our Ezer. God said, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make an Ezer kenegdo for him.

Let's get to Kenegdo shall we? Kenegdo is easy, it simply means to be equal, counterpart, alongside.

I do not believe woman is here to save man as part of Ezer means to save. When Ezer is used to mean save it is used in the context as God is our Savior, our only means of hope. It makes more sense to use the to be strong, powerful as the definiton.

So how would that translate? It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a powerful strength equal to him. OR It is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a strength equal to him. Okay, I am no scholar here.

The point is, that YES!!! I just knew there was more to us than the traditional help meet. It is an honor in my opinion to be called an Ezer! After all, God is an Ezer to all of mankind. What do we think about God being our Ezer? I honestly am still trying to settle in my mind what that means exactly for us ladies. God is our Ezer, our strength, our hope, our power. We are meant to be man's Ezer but yet equal to, alongside also. Hmmm, a lot to grasp & get ahold of. This is a definition that really in my humble opinion should be OUT THERE more. Do you know this is a fact, widely known in many circles around the world? We are Ezer Kenegdo's. I will share more on this throughout the week, I hope you will come back & discuss this wonderful definition of the Hebrew wording.

Might I say that I was more than a little nervous to bring this study to our ladies last Thursday but they LOVED IT! Many people are resistant to something they have never heard before so I admit, I was nervous. But the Torah is a fact & the words Ezer Kenegdo are a fact, we can't escape that. Help meet was translated from Ezer Kenegdo, not the other way around so I feel quite fine and secure with studying this. My pastor's wife was so excited she told me. She came home from our study and proudly told our pastor "I am your ezer kenegdo!" Ha ha, I just love them all. What a group of fun ladies. I would love to know what you think about this, I tell ya, it just floored me. I want to talk about this through the week but here are a couple of really good links if you want to read more about what an Ezer Kenegdo is.

Loved this blog post from Stoned-Campbell Disciple.

This is a blog post from a book review about a book called Captivating where the book discusses God's words of calling woman an Ezer Kenegdo. Articulate Me: Ezer

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!!

Jenn

This Just Made My Day.....An Essay From Amber

2010-06-09T15:26:00.004-04:00

As I was sorting through all kinds of accounting paperwork I found the following tucked into the pile of assorted stuff I was going through for the business. It's the little things sometimes that can just make our day. I have no idea how this even got in this pile but I am so glad it did!

Amber Walker Mother's Day Essay Contest

I have the best mom in the world! She is like a super mom. She is always nice and helps me. She helps me clean my room. She does my hair and nails.

She lets me go to Alabama with my Grandma Chrissy. Once I swam with a snake. Luckily it was a corn snake.

My mom is so nice. She makes my plate. She makes my lunch too!

Amber Walker

Sure did put a smile on my face. Thank you Amber and I love you too!!!! Very very very much! Someday when I am long gone this post will still be here and my little Amber Cat can always see how much her essay meant to me :) Amber you are a wonderful daughter and I love you from here to eternity! (We like to play the I love you game, what can I say?)

Love,

Mommy

Satan's Influence On Our Lives

2010-06-08T21:44:00.002-04:00

A little tidbit from the Bible study I am working on for Thursday.

What might Satan have learned from the exchange in the Garden of Eden? First, woman was easily deceived. Secondly, the woman was able to get man to do what he would not have ordinarily done on his own. Thirdly, when the time came to be accountable for his actions, man blames the woman and God for giving her to him. It’s the perfect plan. Deceive women into believing lies contrary to God’s Word. Use them to manipulate men and themselves into sin. Separate both man and woman from God by shame, guilt and blame towards each other and God.

I am really excited about this study. I have been digging in very deeply to the whole "image thing" for my personal self much more deeply than I will take this study. It has been just fascinating. You know, God created us, we are His masterpiece and when God created us in His image He defined us. No one else has the right to do that, especially not Satan. But as women, who do we listen to more? God's Word or Satan's Word? What do we believe about ourselves? What God's Word says or what the rest of the world and media says we should believe? How do we view our bodies as women? As a holy temple, beautiful, strong, created to do good works, worthy of love & respect, and a masterpiece created by God? Or are we created to be defined by worldly views, instruments of pleasure, needing to be beautiful & sexy on the outside, weak, fearful, unworthy of love, disrespected and allowing our sex to be demeaned by media, always finding flaws in our selves? Oh my, I was feeling more than a little convicted by this study. I must say I naturally am more inclined to believe Satan's lies and work in the world than I am to live what God's Word says about me when it comes to image/my outward self. Thankfully I learned a bit back to root my identity in who I am in Christ (please reference the sidebar for all the verses that say who we are in Christ in statement form). I am so not perfect in living that out but I have come a very long way in that regard and continue to grow in that journey.

Thursday night or Friday morning I will post the study. I hope you enjoy it. This morning as I was at the YMCA taking another Zumba class I was very aware that most of the moves we were doing, I would NEVER do in public. As an exercise class, fine. But sadly, even the way we dance as women is just mostly geared toward degrading our true selves and we make ourselves sex objects. All the moves we do are dance moves that are danced all over the world. I wonder why it is that we feel the need to gain affirmation or that we can only get a man's attention by being either beautiful and/or sexy? I am guilty, I won't pretend otherwise. Oh yes, Miss. Jennifer from the age of 23 to 27 was all about being little Miss. Sexy Pants. If there was a platform, table or bar ledge I could dance on you can better believe I was on it. Oddly enough I never showed my cleavage, not ever. I would wear short skirts, tight jeans, show my belly, and wear tight shirts but for some reason I drew the line at showing the girls. I always said those were "viewing by invitation only". Ha ha, I guess that was the Holy Spirit in me saying "Girl, what are you doing?" Thank Heavens for that!

During this study I remembered something I forgot that happened to me a long time ago on a date. I wore something on a date that I never should have. It was a flesh colored dress and it was very very thin and over top of it was a flesh colored lace. By looking at it at a quick glance it looked like I was wearing the lace only. Although it covered me, it was very sexy and people were always trying to look through the lace to see if they could see my skin. I thought it was funny but I never wore it again after this date. I knew I was in trouble when in the middle of the date the guy said he couldn't take it anymore and was trying to pull my dress off my shoulder, he said he couldn't understand how I could be wearing all lace but he couldn't see anything. This was a three piece suit IBM executive, surely someone that smart could figure out there was something under the lace? Um, no. So at the end of the date he pushed me into my apartment and said I had driven him crazy enough trying to see what was under my dress all night. Needless to say a struggle ensued. Thankfully I worked out six days a week with weights and I was very strong and able to hold my own in the struggle. This only seemed to egg him on even more though, he was very determined he was going to get what he wanted. Luckily for me a friend of mine had just discovered her fiancee had been cheating and I had let her stay at my apartment for a few days to clear her head. She heard the struggle which woke her up and turned on the lights and hit him with something. We both shoved him out the door thankfully. If she had not been there I am not sure what would have actually happened but none of it was going to be good. I can accept my responsibility in that escapade now. Clearly the guy was a jerk, yes. But, look what wearing something geared toward making men want to see more of you, wearing something that was totally enticing did to him? None of that would have happened if I had not worn that dress. I know this because I had gone out with this guy 4 other times and he was a perfect gentleman all the other times. We really need to not use our bodies to fan the flames of lust for anyone other than our spouses. It's not healthy. I say that not as someone anti sex, I am a big fan of it. I think it should be done a lot :) We just don't need to gain affirmation by how "sexy" we can be. I wish I knew this when I was in my twenties. I think we ladies need to be very careful how we carry ourselves and dress ourselves. How hard must it be for a good Christian man in this world? We don't need to make things any harder for the good guys trying to live a life pleasing to the Lord. I hope you agree.

The other thing I've always thought was odd about how us ladies dress ourselves to get men to want us or get attention is this; we will do everything under the sun including pouring hot wax on our eyebrows and have the hair ripped off our faces to make ourselves more appealing and noticeable. A great deal of thought goes into our wardrobe, shoes and hair. We do this to be noticeable and beautiful and acceptable. What do men do? They put on jeans, a polo and put little thought into what shoes they may wear. And guess what? We notice them, we want them. They don't go to great lengths to make themselves more "manly" , oh maybe some work out and a big thank you to those of you guys who do because we ladies really enjoy a well muscled torso. Oh my, I can't watch the volleyball scene from Top Gun. It makes me think very bad things!!!!! I know I heard an Amen on that one. But the point is that they don't do all the crazy stuff us ladies do and it does not make them any less desirable to us gals? I think the men would still want us ladies if none of us dressed to be sexy. Of course they would, we're women. And I think a decently dressed lady who is very confident in herself is a very attractive thing.

Well, to quote Forrest Gump, "that's all I have to say about that."

Love ya,

Jenn

How I Spent My Kohl's Cash

2010-06-06T20:25:00.003-04:00

Could I possibly look more angry in this photo? I think not. Actually I was quite happy, the sun was in my face big time. And, Amber caught me by surprise. Geez, I hope this is not a normal expression for me, this could explain a lot, lol. (Amber is reading this and she just said "You guys use LOL?" I guess adults are forbidden from speaking the same text talk as kids?) (She says "sorry" we can use it now, LOL.)
I LOVE my new dress!! Yes I do. I got it with my Kohl's cash. There aren't many things more joyful for a woman than some Kohl's cash are there? Anyhoo, my oldest daughter said she didn't I should bother with it because she thought it was too young for me and I couldn't pull off the look. I was thrilled when it fit and I didn't look hideous in it. I love it.

I got my hair cut yesterday too :) The sun is still in my face.Goodness it was bright. I was just wondering if my face could possibly look any fatter? Um, I think not. At least I don't have 5 chins anymore, thank you Jesus for 32 lbs lost. Only 48 more to go, ACK!!!!

This is Miss. Amber looking lovely in her pretty blue dress. Somebody swiped a pair of my old heels today ;) I thought she looked very pretty.

I don't know why I am sharing this. I was just mega happy about my Kohl's cash purchase. I got some other stuff too that was great but I was happy to have a new dress. I heart dresses.

Jenn

Knowing I Am Your Desire

2010-06-05T08:33:00.003-04:00

Your grace has found me just as I am. Empty handed but alive in Your hand. Forever I am changed by Your love, in the presence of your majesty. Join me in a little morning worship? This song moves me big time and always leaves me wrapped in peace.

Jenn

2010-06-05T08:05:00.002-04:00

I can't begin to express how much I LOVE singing this song at church. This is the singer we had at the Joyce Meyer Conference too. Oh, pure joy rising!!!

Love you!!!! "Open up the doors and let the music play. Let the streets resound with singing. Songs that bring your hope. Songs that bring your joy."

Jenn

Weigh In Day

2010-06-04T16:47:00.004-04:00

Well hallelujah I finally lost some more weight! I have been at a stand still for a month now. Grrrr. I only lost a pound but it was something at least. I have been sick actually all week so I only hit the treadmill the last 3 days. Usually I do it 7 days a week, 90 minutes a day. I want this weight to come off already! So impatient. After years of wanting it off and finally seeing it come off I can't hardly stand for it to take so long. I am going down tomorrow to join the YMCA. I was having such a hard time deciding between Gold's Gym and the Y. I HATE the daycare at the Y but I think Braxton will be okay now that he is older. I have built in babysitters for the summer and he turns 4 in November.....so I don't think he will cry like he used to. They used to come and get me every time I tried to go and they'd make me take him. That was frustrating to say the least.

I am super excited to start my Zumba classes back up. Zumba is so hysterical to me. I laugh for almost the whole hour! You know, in my single years I loved to dance as much as anybody but I didn't dance trashy. Zumba is more than a little provocative at times ha ha. My first class I was like "You want me to do what?" Oh Lordy. It's like aerobics, hip hop, belly dancing, latin dancing and a little kick boxing all mixed together. Really, it depends on the instructors as to how much of what the class is. But I have to say that as far as aerobics classes it's the best workout I've ever done and I used to be addicted to the gym. I would take classes back to back even. LOVE me some Zumba. I also like that they don't let the men come into that class. Um, the men do NOT need to be in that class. Nope. I like the privacy factor at the Y. The pools are the slides are killer too. We have a really good and modern Y here. I think my body needs more than the treadmill now too. Time to switch things up.

I got so excited at church Wed. night when I saw a sweet lady who has been out of town for awhile and I haven't seen her in about 2 months. Well, when I saw her she looked skinnier and I went up to her to compliment how nice she looked. She said "Well it's all thanks to you Jennifer." You see, she is my Facebook friend and I always post on my status updates every day how many miles I walk and for how long and whether I do free weights or not. She then tells me that after watching me do that for the last few months and seeing me shrink she said one day "Well, why not me?" She said she's been walking every day and exercising. I was so happy! We really do have a sphere of influence in our world and whether it's spreading Jesus or encouragement we can really change the world! How awesome is that? I was really happy. Awhile back I quit posting my exercise goals and I always do a weigh in day too on my FB status and anyway I just quit doing it. I guess I thought nobody cared? A couple of friends messaged me and asked me why I quit posting that stuff. They said it had motivated them to start working out too. They are still at it and now they post their exercise regimen daily too. I love it. We all support each other now on FB. It's like a free weight watchers lol.

Speaking of weight loss, I got a little excited last night when I took a bath. Why they do not make tubs deep enough to actually submerge your whole body in standard appliances I do not understand. So you know how in most tubs even when you lay down parts of you are sticking out of the water? Mostly the girls and part of your belly if you are overweight ha ha. Well, I noticed that there was only a tiny bit of my tummy out of the water and goodness that just made my day right there! I was like, YEAH!! SCHWEET!! Some of you may know what I mean :) That was a good moment for me. Of course there's a lot less of the girls out of the water too but you know, they were too big anyway. I needed to lose some there. My husband may argue that point but they were too big. I asked him about a month ago if my boobs looked smaller to him and he didn't hesitate to say yes. I told him he could have paused for a moment to contemplate. He said he didn't need to. The man is clueless, bless his heart.

Some of the gals around here and I had an impromptu "girly session" about our weight issues and it was pee your pants funny. We all talked about who walked around naked in front of their husbands or not. That was a hoot. Then there was a funny discussion if you got undressed in the daylight or not or if he could only see you naked in the dark. And the best part of all, the pros and cons of just letting him see you naked laying down only because the fat spreads out and it makes you look skinner but the con being that the girls spread out too ha ha. Oh my goodness. I laughed so hard my mascara was all over my face and I was temporarily blinded hee hee. Then we laughed harder because we think hard about these things and our husbands could care less and will throw off their clothes at the drop of a hat, skinny or not. Of course, they are not under pressure to be skinny. Big on a man is fine. Plus, their stuff is supposed to hang, ours is not. I still would like to ask God if he could not have planned that one out a little better when I get to heaven. Don't think I won't do it! I totally will, in holy reverence of course :)

Have a great weekend! I am hoping to get a haircut if I can get into the salon. My bangs are hanging in my face. Not fun. Plus, I have some Kohls cash to spend. Oh how I love my Kohls. Kohls and Starbucks give me very happy feelings. Yes, they do. I want this pair of Eeyore pajamas and I simply MUST have them. I have great affection for Eeyore and Winnie the Pooh. What can I say, they are cute. I have four kids, what am I gonna wear around the house? Eeyore of course. haha. Hope on over and buy you some Eeyore jammies too. And while we are at it, I want this pair of Mickey Mouse ones too. It must be the mid life crisis, I don't know. But I am buying the Eeyore for sure tomorrow. Yeah, I'm spicy like that.

Love y'all,

Jenn

Does Anybody Hear Her?

2010-06-03T11:34:00.002-04:00

Casting Crowns lyrics: "Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? Or does anybody even know she's going down today? Under the shadow of our steeple. All the lost and lonely people. Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me. Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?"

Heart that song big time. I feel it, you know? I was out doing Census work yesterday and I met a woman. A very lonely woman. We exchanged phone numbers and there was a promise to make calls and become friends. She reminded me a lot of myself, maybe we could be friends? As I was talking to her it really hit me that in the month that I have been going from home to home as a Census taker just how many people wanted me to stay and talk to them. They were all lonely. It wasn't just old people either, there were plenty of people in their 30's and 40's who wanted me to come in or sit on the porch and stay awhile. Plenty of them asked me to stay in touch and come back to visit and you know what? I do believe the majority of them meant it. They are lonely.

Why is that? I asked the woman yesterday, she lives in a big subdivision with lots of kids her kids ages, if she had gotten to know her neighbors. She said nobody was interested in becoming more than acquaintances. I said "YES!" I find that to be the case also. We nodded heartily in agreement. I told her how much that frustrates me. She said it did her too. She said nobody really wanted to know her. Oh God, I live that statement.

You know it's like that line in Avatar. "I see you." And then the guy explains that it means I see you as in not just I see you physically but I see you, I see inside of you. I see who you are. I heart Avatar just for that scene right there.

I thought of this line in the same Casting Crowns song:She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

How many married women have I watched have an affair because of loneliness? I just watched another one do it this week. Dang if I didn't try hard to be a friend and stop it. Beth Moore says the heart of a woman wants to know and be known. She is so right. It's a treasure to be known deeply. I just go to Psalm 139 now when I feel lonely. My Father knows me. He gets me, inside.

I miss having a true friend. I have one who lives far away, I know T would listen to me and will always love me. She is my childhood friend, but alas, she is so far away. When I moved up here to GA, I left all my wonderful girlfriends behind. I had lots of friends who loved me, who knew me and I knew them. In the deepest sense of that meaning. We supported each other. It was great :) But my husband took off shortly after moving here, I think he had some kind of mental collapse from Hurricane Andrew and the stress of a new baby and losing everything. He just left.....with another woman of course. Jerk. Anyhoo, I had to leave the accounting dept. of P@blix and go into management in order to pay the bills. I picked Produce because they have the best hours as far as managers go. 5am to 4 something pm mostly. Well, when I did that a woman in produce was unheard of. I was the first in the state of GA to even work in the dept. We weren't welcome, at all. But the company was being sued for keeping women and African Americans from management positions and out of certain depts. so I seized my opportunity, as they could not tell me no. Alas, I was surrounded by all men. I worked 11 to 12 hour days and then I was a single mom so no time to socialize if it wasn't done at work.

Gosh, I haven't had a real girlfriend in almost 13 years. I think that's because of my job though, I had guy friends that I went out with. Not dates, we were just friends. After working around all men for so many hours a day I think I kind of morphed into their way of thinking and processing things in a way. It is really hard for me to make friends with women now. It frustrates me terribly. You know all they talked about every day was food, sports and sex. Sheesh, I had to start watching golf just to have something to talk about with my supervisor when I was an assistant. All he wanted to talk about was golf and sex. I chose golf. I was glad when I was promoted to produce manager after just over a year. Then I could control the conversations ha ha. I made a few good guy friends and we went out all the time and they liked having my daughter along too. You know, they really got me too. It was nice. I had to give up my guy friends when I started dating my husband. He didn't ask me to, but I felt it was appropriate. But boy did we have fun. S used to take me to Cafe Intermezzo, we shared a love for all things cappuccino and European and this place was the epitome of both. AH, good times. S was 28 and a virgin. I didn't think it was possible for a man to be 28 and still be a virgin. He stayed that way until he got married. You have to admire that! WOW. I so could not have done that. He had a great personal relationship with the Lord, I see that now. I only had head knowledge of God back then, I knew the rules and the stories. I didn't know about personal relationship. I wish S would have talked to me about it. He did sometimes make me feel convicted about not saving myself for my next marriage. Not that I was loose or anything, I had a steady boyfriend but he severely disliked my boyfriend. He used to tell me to stop having sex with my boyfriend and he did a great job of making me look hard at how I was living. Only a really good friend will say things like that to you. T was my other great guy friend. T liked to dance and so did I. We used to go to Buckhead and dance ourselves silly. We would laugh so hard when we went out. He was so much fun. He was in love with a friend of mine in Florida. I was safe for him and he was safe for me. We just had fun and supported each other. I miss that.

I wish I knew why people put up so many emotional walls to keep others from really knowing them. I witnessed and sort of became a part of a very hurtful emotional moment for someone a few days ago. I saw it happen and when she cried I tried to comfort her. I tried to hug her and she tightened up, I could feel it. I knew then she did not want to share this terribly embarrassing emotional moment with me. WHY? I am her ladies bible study teacher? I am very hard core open about myself and my life in that class. It's also a "safe zone", what is said in the class stays in the class. I am all about sharing, loving, learning, comforting, and teaching in that class. But she did not want me to see this moment or be a part of it. Yesterday she apologized for crying and having a breakdown. That hurt me. Why can't I be a friend? Why can't I know your pain? Why can't I hug you when you are down? WHY? Why do we want people to only see our perfection? It frustrates me madly. Why do women have to be Miss. Prissy Perfect? I can't let anybody know my house is a mess, I can't let anybody know I am not a perfect mom, I can't let anybody know my life isn't perfect. The result is a lot of lonely people. Men don't do that. They could care less. They just are who they are. Women could learn from men in that respect.

I miss my old assistant P. He was so funny. We would cackle like hens all day. Honestly, I think I was more of a man than he was :) He wasn't gay but he was a little girly. I used to tease him about that and he'd get mad and throw stuff at me. He was a lot stronger than I was so he would push me around sometimes too :) It's okay though, I would sneak up behind him and squirt him with a hose to get him back.

That's why I like teaching the ladies class. It helps me get back in touch with women. I need that. I don't see anything wrong with having friends of both sexes though. At this point I'd be happy if somebody just wanted to be a true friend. I don't want to get my nails done. I don't want to do lunch. I can't go shopping. That's all the women around here want to do. Hmmm, I have been thinking about moving lately. Maybe we should. In Miami everyone is always outside and we were always having block parties. We were always talking with neighbors. Maybe north ga is just too shut up for me? The lady yesterday said she wanted to move because of the lack of friends here. I see her point.

How much more wonderful would it be if we didn't shut up inside us the love,hope and goodness that we have and we shared it with others? What a wonderful world this would be. I am planning a lunch for my new friend from yesterday and a couple of lady acquaintances I have to all get to know each other better. Yep, I think I'll start with me.

What about y'all? Do you have true friends? I truly wonder if it's just the area I live in.

Jenn

A Day In The Life

2010-06-02T12:07:00.017-04:00

I'm always changing around the front porch. I kind of like this. I like the flowers, I need to plant them though.

Lovin the flower bed on the front walk. Every day Braxton picks me a flower :)

Time to go to work! Look how dusty my van is! I have been down so many dirt roads, lol.

As you can see, I am wildly entertaining to my children. They just can't keep their eyes open ha ha.

Downtown Ball Ground. Yes, downtown. You can laugh, feel free to throw in a snort or two. Hey, I like a small town. We are only 40 minutes from downtown Atlanta. My family says we live in B.F.E.

They don't call it Ball Ground for no good reason! We like to play ball.

After growing up in Homestead, FL a.k.a. deadstead, FL I am still in awe of our pretty views here.

The Ingles in Jasper has the best view EVER!!! I like to pronounce Jasper as if I were a true southern bell and I say Jaaaspur. Love this view at the grocery store. It's going to rain.

Brandon was life flighted from behind the Piggly Wiggly 3 years ago. That was a $10,000 helicopter ride. I watched them fly over my home to take him to the Atlanta Children's hospital after an ATV accident. They were certain his leg was shattered and he needed emergency surgery. Momma prayed, my Lord heals. He didn't need surgery and we took him home 2 days later. Yay God.

My parents eat here every Sunday after church. It's got some good food y'all. Amber goes with them and sits at the counter next to the chief of police. They have a little date every now and then. Too sweet. I love a small town.

Took Brandon for a haircut. Um, he resembles Pony Boy to me don't you think? Ah the Outsiders, a great movie. Not such a good look for a kid in 2010. She cut it right, I think she was having a 50's flashback when she styled it though. Hello Pony Boy. He didn't know what I was talking about. I hate the long hair guys are wearing now. I only let him have the top part longer.

"Braxton where are you going?" That boy keeps me hopping.

Our dog Brownie. I'll bet you can't figure out why we named her Brownie huh. We are just so clever like that ha ha.

And the man comes home :) I have a work shirt like this one now too. I think he needs matching ball caps. He's always wearing the red bulldog one or his Superbowl New Orlean Saints cap. Can you believe he liked the Saints since he was a little boy. What was he thinking? Now he is vindicated since they are Superbowl Champs. What happened to my poor Miami Dolphins? My family always had season tickets to the Dolphins. My first game was a playoff game between Miami and the San Diego Chargers. It went into overtime and it was the most awesome crowd roaring adrenaline pumping experience ever. I was hooked on football after that. I was certain I would marry David Woodley someday and when the Dolphins traded him for Dan Marino I was horrified. Never liked that Marino. How did I get on that? Oh well. Time to go to work :)

My census job is on it's last week. Then I will only have one more week left to verify homes that are listed as vacant and then it's all over. It's been nice to have the extra income! But, it comes to an end sadly. Have a great day!

Love y'all,

Jenn

Big Day Tomorrow

2010-06-01T19:12:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is the day that Mike and I will lead the Junior Ministry, ages 9 thru 12, for the first time. Whoot whoot! I'm pumped about it. I received permission to do whatever we want to do in the class. We can purchase curriculum or do it on our own. We can go outside and play, we can do crafts, we have the freedom to conduct things as we see fit. I hate doing crafts. I really do. I don't see us doing many crafts.

We want to talk to the kids and see what they are curious about. We want to know what they want to study. It's all about them so it may as well really be all about them, right? We want to know what they may be unsure about or confused on. Then we can just start right there and tackle those things in a fun, discussion oriented way. I think it would be fun for them to do skits on lessons too from the previous week. They can put on a little show that is all impromptu and act it out every now and then. That could be fun. Kids are always putting on shows for their families and stuff. Or was that only before the invention of video games and personal computers? Remember when we were all kids and we would put on shows for our families? Maybe once a month it can be skit day and they pick a story we talked about and they can do a show? Just 5 or 10 minutes.....something to keep it fresh and fun.

I am so thrilled to have this opportunity. You know what's really cool about this is that I am so not perfect and God uses me anyway. I have a willing heart and I do honestly try to continue to come closer to reflecting Jesus, I continue to grow every year, and He is down with that. I wish more people would just let go of fear and step out to serve the Lord. Step out and serve, step out and comfort as you have been comforted. Do you have a heart for worship? Get in the choir, what are you waiting for? We don't have to be perfect! We don't have to say "I used to be this and that, I can't serve. Who am I?" You are a beautiful child of God, that is who you are. Nothing less, certainly. Step out.

When I owned my own store it always amazed me the way God would bring in ladies by divine appointment for me to minister to. They would come in almost daily and they would always say "I don't know why I am going to tell you this but......." and they would share their most deepest wounds, hurts and struggles with me. I tell you, that was a treasure that I miss. We would talk and pray together. I think God lets me have so many cool opportunities like that because I am not afraid to share things. I am really open and I openly discuss every dumb thing I've ever done and hope people learn from it. I don't mind talking about anything and sharing how God moved in that experience or how I shut Him out and what happened. When I released myself to the Lord in complete surrender I released every moment of my past and I gave it to Him to use for His glory. And, He does. God will always use anything for the good if we let Him.

Just imagine the possibilities if we all did that?

I was doing more studying on the topic of women's image issues for the next bible study at church in relation to how we tie our worth to the world and not Jesus. Like I posted in my last post I came up with some questions and looked hard at the answers. They have really taken me down some interesting roads of discovery. Today I looked hard at words spoken that really altered the way I view myself and changed me. Some of them are pretty funny in reflection. I can't imagine how people come up with the dumb things they say. I wonder what atrocious things have come out of my own mouth too? Today I released any power those statements had over me. I am really desiring to not just know who I am in Christ but truly walk in it and believe it. I thought I'd share some of the dumb things I let affect me. Mostly because they are a hoot and just in case somebody said them to you too.... let them go.

"I can tell by looking at your boobs that you breast fed." (My response: I can tell by looking at your penis that you were born prematurely. It obviously hadn't fully developed yet.)

"You are worthless and every breath you take is a waste of perfectly good air."

"I've been noticing you. You are very pretty and you have a great body. If you could just lose 5 more pounds I'd date you." (As if, loser.)

My ex husband upon seeing me 7.5 months pregnant "Damn, you're fat."

"How can you be so skinny and still have such fat thighs?"

"If I paid for it, would you get a boob job?"

Him:"When are you due?" Me: "I had the baby two days ago." Him: "Boy, you sure do have a lot of weight left over." My dad who was standing there laughs his butt off.

These statements really affected me. I let them change how I view myself. Especially the first one. But you know, I have to let all that go. I don't want anything to hold me back, whether it's negative self image or just plain old fear itself. I'm following the direction of the Holy Spirit on this one and it's telling me to throw off the old and put on Jesus. To put on the identity that He says I am. Why should I let someone else's dumb words define me? Jesus has beautiful words that define me also. Which ones do I want to choose to believe? That is the question.

Jenn

A funny video repost

2010-06-01T18:56:00.002-04:00

Every time I watch this I laugh so hard tears are pouring down my face. Of course it may be extremely funny because one of them is my daughter. She is normally a sweet sweet girl who obviously has a little of her mother's mischeviousness in her ha ha. I posted this a year ago and I just watched it again. If you need a good laugh take a peek. They are dancing to a song making fun of rap music. Too funny. My daughter is in the pink hat.

CLICK HERE

Jenn

Physical Image and Who We Are In Christ

2010-05-31T09:13:00.003-04:00

In researching the topic of image and who we are in Christ I came up with some questions that have taken me down an extremely interesting path of discovery. Want to give it a go? You'll need to write your answers down for it to do any good.

List your top 5 personality traits that you feel are most dominant.

List the top 5 things that you feel are important to have in a marriage relationship. (For ex: loving, laughter, sex, supportive, secure.)

List the top 5 descriptions you feel describe your parents marriage.

List the top 5 ways in which you wish to portray yourself to the world.

List the top 5 ways in which you think people see you.

List the top 5 things that you think about most often.

List the first 5 things that you think describe your body.

Is there anything about yourself that keeps you from doing something you want to do or have been called to do?

Is there anything about yourself that you know you need to change but don't?

Are there any personality traits about yourself that are praised by those that love you and also traits that are repeatedly disliked by those that love you?

How do you think God would describe you?

What do you think God thinks about you?

Is your body a temple for the Lord? Have you cared for it as His temple should be cared for?

Does what you think God thinks about you line up with scripture? Here is the link that has all the scriptures that say who we are in Christ. Does your idea of what God thinks about you line up with that? Anything that does not line up with these scriptures you will need to pray about and go digging into your Bible's Concordance in the back to see what the Bible says about those things. Here is a link that has the attributes of God from Bible Gateway. This will also be helpful in discovering if what you think God thinks about you is scriptural.

Now, look for word repetition. Are there certain personality traits that come up over and over? How did you come to develop the trait? Where is it rooted? You'll have to go deep in some instances. For example: angry. Why are you angry? Were your parents angry? When did you start feeling angry? What does being angry satisfy in your life? Start digging. How does this emotion give you power or make you feel better? Take some of these questions and substitute your repeated word instead of the word angry.

I know I have certainly discovered some things about myself in this process that relate directly to my outward image, the physical body. I think a lot of women tie their self worth and confidence very deeply into their outward appearance. I have noticed since I have lost 30 pounds I am much more confident than I was before. That in itself is fine, I think that is human nature but I find myself much more open to talking to people and putting myself out there more than I would have before. Considering evangelism, if we are afraid to put ourselves out there we can't evangelise that much can we?

A good question: If I felt great about my physical appearance would it change the way I serve the Lord or evangelise? Ouchies, that may or may not sting a little.

I also had some fun finding the root of why I am such a physically affectionate person. Sometimes we just grow up to be the way we are and we don't think about how we even got that way. My parents were like rabbits, they were always "physically affectionate" with each other. CONSTANTLY. Their marital life was very wrapped up in touching each other in very loving ways with hugs, massages, and hand holding. They had sex as much as they could. I guess I thought that was normal? Sex was a huge part of my upbringing unfortunately. My dad had a porn collection that could rival the inventory of any gross adult store. I hated that so much. It made me very angry with my father and I felt it was a huge disrespect to my mom. My mom had a great love for the male strip clubs. She knew that irritated me immensely and she would tease me about some guy long dong whatever his perverted name was. They sent me to a private Christian school and their lifestyle didn't line up at all with what I was taught about marriage, lust and sex. At least they were physically faithful to each other. They weren't bad people or anything, they were the best parents in the world to me. They gave me, their only child, everything and loved me greatly. They were just sex junkies ha ha. Anyhoo, I could see how easily my dad was manipulated by boobs and women's bodies at a young age and how my mom could also get him to do anything by using hers. AHEM. I also saw how they expressed their love for each other with their bodies. This explains a lot about myself after digging in very deeply. When my husband left me for another woman not long after we had our first child because he said he wasn't getting enough sex that didn't help either. I think that was the turning point for me that created my worth and self value being wrapped up in my physical outward appearance. If you weren't sexy you weren't anything in my thinking about myself. After my husband left I worked out constantly and only dated tall muscular guys who worked out all the time too. Once again, wrapped up in outward worldy image. I had forgotten all about who I was in Christ and although I prayed every day during those years of 23 to 27 yrs old I quit going to church and wrapped myself up in outward image and physical gratification that made me feel very worthy. I think perhaps too that I gravitated towards my first husband because he was a very physically affectionate person too and that was what I was used to seeing and I guess that was what was normal to me? He was not the right person for me. I received my self worth not from the Lord anymore and His love and unconditional approval but instead from men who wanted me. I liked being stared at and complimented all the time. It made me feel valuable. That is so sad. Perhaps that was another factor that kept me overweight during my 30's. I felt safe the way I was. Now I am losing weight and I am being flirted with again which hasn't happened since my 20's. I think perhaps I need to be very careful with how I begin to deal with my weight loss and not let it alter how I value myself or receive my worth. I am who the Word says I am and I am nothing more and nothing less. I am no more worthy of anything whether I am skinny or fat. Now, I know I should not be overweight for health reasons, energy levels and such and I will continue losing weight until I am happy with what I see but I need to drill it in that the skinnier I get does not make me any more of anything except more healthy, energized and smaller. Period.

Whatever our issues, I think it's important to line up who we are with what the Word says we are. Any inconsistencies need to be dealt with. Sexual molestation at a young age is another biggie. Oh Lord the damage that can do. I was not molested but some people very close to me were and I have spent years in a group therapy for loved ones who were molested by pedophiles. I've watched the judicial system fail us and leave scars. Thankfully years and years of therapy and the Word of God have washed a young woman clean and healthy. She can go on into life and love and be loved. The Word will wash us clean. It will make us whole. It is our true identity. I've seen the love of Jesus heal a man with the same scars. Truly, if we can just see ourselves as God sees us the rest is easy to deal with. It won't hurt as much if we know who we truly are. This body is so temporary considering eternity. I am wondering as I walk more in this just how walking in my godly image that God says I am will affect how I view my outward physical appearance and it's importance to me. I find this fascinating.

Jenn

Graduation Day Pictures! GO GRIZZLIES Class of 2010

2010-05-29T15:47:00.020-04:00

Me, Brandon and Amber.

First Baptist Church of Woodstock, GA goes Creekview Grizzlie Green & Blue. The amazing thing about this picture is that there is still a ton of seating behind me and above me.

Mike & I. It's a rare sighting to see Mike in a photo but I had him trapped today :)

My beautiful graduate Lexie. So proud of my baby.

Braxton was excited to see his big sis graduate.

The instructors and friends Lexie does Tae Kwon Doe with.

I am slightly disturbed that my ex husband and my husband both have the same haircut. Weird....my exhusband is on the far left and I didn't recognize him either when I saw him. That was weird too.

Lexie with my parents.

Mike and I again. He looks like he is up to something doesn't he?

Lexie and Brandon.

It's a tragedy when perfectly good curly hair goes limp. They need to make hair Viagara.

This is the expression Mike has on his face lately when he is looking at me. It's like he's thinking "Jenn, what the heck are you doing?" I'm not sure...

See, there it is again. Doesn't he have the best set of lips ever? Such a sexy beast.

Amber wants to graduate too!

Lexie and I had the same shoes. I'm not sure why her leg is so red. I'm rawkin some flip flop tan lines on my foot ha ha.

Amber and I. Now the hair has gone completely flat. Dang Georgia humidity.

The man, Braxton and myself at Applebees.

Graduation is OVER and one happy mama drove herself home. THE END.

Jenn

BIG Weekend & Great News

2010-05-28T18:45:00.003-04:00

Look what I found today....That was 3 years ago when Braxy was a baby :) Mike has hat hair ha ha.

Exciting news!!! Our Pastor called and Mike and I start leading the new Junior Ministry this Wednesday! YAY!!!! I am so excited. I am really looking forward to this new adventure. I am also looking into getting a Bachelors degree in ministry. I've always wanted to do that and now that Braxton is old enough to fend for himself I think I can do it. I call it ministry but I can't for the life of me remember what it is really called. It's not theology....heck, I'm old. I can't remember poo.

Yesterday while driving around doing the Census I pulled into a vacant home to make a phone call. They put me on hold and after waiting a few minutes I decide I'll check my emails. So I dig all around for my phone and after atleast 3 minutes of looking I get really frustrated because I can't find my phone and I know I just had it in my hands. Yeah, um.... that's when I realized my phone was cradled between my ear and my shoulder and I was still on hold. That's not a good sign, lol.

As far as I know I am still leading the ladies Bible Study? Nobody has said anything about removing me from that position. I do it every other Thursday, I hope they let me keep doing it. I just posted my teaching notes from our study last night and oh my, was it a great study. The Lord was workin it. Everyone was taking lots of notes which always excites me. They really seemed interested and excited about the homework too. The homework was for them to take the printed scriptures that say who we are in Christ and they are to say them out loud every single day for the two weeks until we meet again. They are also supposed to stay aware of their thought patterns concerning themselves and what they catch themselves saying and thinking about themselves. Then next time we will discuss the changes that should be taking place in their thought patterns concerning how they view themselves and how they approached any situations that they may have spoken these scriptures into the situation instead of dealing with life's blows in their earthly identity. Sounds more complicated on the blog, I think I spoke it better. Then we will dive into the Image of Woman in Christ. I'll tell you what, that image sure doesn't look like Desperate Housewives, that's fer sure. (I hate that show!)

Lexie graduates tomorrow, I am so super excited for my baby. I can't belive I am old enough to have a kid graduating high school. UGH. We went to Best Buy today and bought her a new sound system for her car. It has a huge box with big speakers that go in her trunk. It sounded so good in the store when we were listening to it, I was jealous. I want one for my car. The song "Heartbreaker" was on and I forgot myself and danced in the store. It's okay, they will never see me again. I am always embarrassing my husband like that :) You only live once.....

Can't wait for tomorrow. BTW, can you believe she has FOUR boys/men after her now? We were laughing about that today. She said she can't make up her mind what to do. I said enjoy it girl. Happy she isn't so sad anymore about her boyfriend breaking up with her. What an exciting time in her life. Anything is possible.

Have a great weekend!!

Jenn

Who We Are In Christ Part 1 of 2

2010-05-27T21:58:00.002-04:00

Tonight was our ladies Bible study group night that I teach. Man, was it awesome!!! I really felt the Holy Spirit working in me as I was speaking. I can't tell you what an incredible feeling that is. Oh man, I LOVE it! I don't have time to write a nice post on what we talked about tonight....I want to do it later but I have to go around doing Census work tomorrow and Saturday my oldest daughter graduates High School. I have a big 2 days coming up. I am going to take lots of pictures. It should be exciting. I will have to take a picture or two of my ex husband so you can see the big dork, I mean Lexie's dad. Ha ha, I'm just kidding, maybe.

I thought I'd post my teaching notes and the scriptures that say who we are in Christ in a link otherwise this post would be a mile long. Please can I encourage you to print off the scriptures from the link I post? Please know who you are in Christ, it is amazing. Well, here's my teaching notes. Hope you enjoy! A Joyce Meyer Study and a little Jennifer Walker thrown in. It's all mixed.

Part 1 of 2 (Who we are in Christ.)

Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.- We must renew our minds, develop new thoughts, according to God’s truth so we can fulfill His plan for our lives. (tapping into God’s truth about who we are in Christ)

Who are you? Where is your identity rooted? In what you do? If I asked you who you were what would you tell me? (pause) Think about the first thing that comes to mind, is that truly who you are? Now, let's take this a bit further....let's exclude your marital status, parental status, occupation, & hobbies and only look at your Christian life. In your Christian life only if I asked you who you were what you tell me? I'm asking...."As a Christian, who are you?" (pause) Hopefully the first thing you thought of was something God has done for you and not something you do for God. Ex: I am saved by faith through Jesus Christ, I am redeemed and forgiven. Those are the first 3 things I personally thought of when thinking of who I am in my Christian identity.

Our actions define what we do, not who we are. (Ex. The Queen of England comes to America and the customs officer asks who she is, not what can she do. She is the Queen of England because that is her birthright, she has a royal lineage that can never be taken away from her. When we became saved we too became co heirs with Christ and have a blood bought royal lineage that can never be taken away.)

“As a believer, one of the most important realities for you to understand is who you are in Christ.” -Joyce Meyer

What does “Who you are in Christ” mean?
Being in Christ is not about what you do, but who you are.
It’s not about how you view yourself, but about how God views you.
It’s not about your activity; it’s about your identity.
It’s about what you believe. -Joyce Meyer

The best way to evaluate ourselves is to know that what we do well is a gift from God and that what we don’t do well is not a problem. We are each little parts of the greater whole and we should work together with our parts with diligence and excellence, not wishing we could do what He has assigned someone else. Finding the freedom to be ourselves is a major victory that releases amazing joy. Knowing who we are in Christ gives us the confidence to move past the mistakes of the past and embrace the future with expectancy. -Joyce Meyer

Speaking badly about yourself or someone else does not reflect the truth of God’s Word or align with the way He thinks about us, and it will keep us trapped in ways of living that are far less enjoyable, less fruitful, and less powerful than He desires for us. -Joyce Meyer

When we know who we are in Christ, our freedom and confidence will soar. Being rooted in our identity in Him will keep us from the fear of failure, from excessively trying to please other people, and from being caught in the cycle of trying to perform so others will accept us. It will also enable us to stay strong and steady when adversity comes. -Joyce Meyer

Not knowing who you are in Christ can allow devastation by difficulties, failures, making mistakes, or the opinions of other people. -Joyce Meyer

We must begin to agree with God about who we are as His children. We all know our actions are supposed to line up with God’s Word. Do we not realize that we should align our identity also within God’s Holy Word? Think about that for a minute. Do I believe I am what God’s Word says I am?

God is always looking at our heart. The heart’s intention, desires, purity, these are what God is interested in. God is not looking for “a sharp dressed man”.

The things we do should be rooted in a heart of love and a want to serve. The things we do, should not be what gives us our value or worth. What we are and what we do are two separate things.

(take a $5 bill out, anyone reading this please picture a $5 bill, okay?) This is a $5 bill. If I throw it on the floor is it still worth $5? (Throw it on the floor) If I toss it in the mud & step on it so that it is covered in muck is it still worth $5? What if I throw this $5 into a toilet full of urine and feces, that's pretty disgusting....is it still worth $5? I can wash it off and it's still $5. What if I lay it down and cover it with meth? Is it still worth $5? What if I pour cocaine over it? Still worth $5? Are you sure??? It's not lost any value? What if I pour a whole bottle of Jack Daniels over it? Is it still worth $5? So this $5 bill can roll in the mud, be stepped on, cover itself with urine and feces, cover up in drugs and alcohol and it's still worth the same $5 when it was fresh and clean? ........Let me ask you then if this simple piece of paper can retain it's value even after all the disgusting things it has gone through then how can you, a child of God, who are worth more than a piece of paper not think that you can retain your value and be worth every bit as much to God as the very moment you were born into His kingdom? If a piece of paper can keep it's value, how much more a child of God? You are who you are because you have been born again into it and there is nothing you can do to change your identity.

“When you received Jesus as your Lord and Savior, He made you righteous in the eyes of God. That does not mean you do everything right, but it does mean you can press toward better behavior every day of your life and in Him. When you received Jesus as Lord and Savior, you were made a new creature. Everything about your old self passed away from God’s perspective. Receiving Him made you new, clean, and right with God. You received a new heart, a new future, the fruit of the Holy Spirit; you were filled with new possibilities and much more. This means you have a legal right to feel good about yourself. Experientially, you are moving toward the manifestation of your “legal” position in Christ every day, and for the rest of your life, the Holy Spirit will be working with you to work out through you what He has done in you. Your job is to cooperate with Him by yielding to His guidance in your life and by believing what God says about you in His Word. -Joyce Meyer

We are not likely to experience the promises of God if we do not believe them. To really know who you are and walk in the freedom and power of your identity in Christ, your beliefs must align with the truth of His Word. -Joyce Meyer

All the scriptures that say WHO WE ARE IN CHRIST in statement form are HERE. PLEASE click on this link to see them, print them and read them aloud so you can walk in your true identity.

Love you all lots,

Jenn

How Did You Lose All That Weight? Answered

2010-05-27T11:29:00.003-04:00

Ah, to be 17 and a size 3 again.....circa 1987, Biology Class. Can you believe I thought I was fat back then too? Women are weird. We always think we are fat.

Present day, age 40. I'm not telling you my size either ha ha. But, I am shrinking and that's the good news.

That's my treadmill in the background. I love my Gold's Gym treadmill. I never photograph well, I swear it irritates me to death. I was thinking my face looked skinner when I was cleaning the mirror behind me so I thought I'd take a new profile pic. The previous one was me at 15 lbs lost. Now I have lost 30. YAY!!! I wish I was at my goal but I'm not so I keep moving forward with my fitness goals.

I think I am finally at that point where the weight loss has become significantly noticeable because people keep asking me what I am doing to lose the weight. Well, okay women are asking me. I always tell them and they look at me like I am crazy. Yesterday I was asked again and I told her and she gave me the same crazy look. Why the crazy looks? I am losing the weight because of Jesus and God first and the treadmill second. That is why.

Since I was a teenager I was thin. I thought I was fat most of the time but I was very thin. Mostly a size 2-4 until I had my first kid. Then I was a size 4-6. I think I stayed around 113-115 lbs until I had my third child. OY VEY. Then I spent 30-40 being over weight. I didn't want to be over weight but it just seemed like I could not get in gym time or time to do anything at home. If I did put my foot down the family or my job would just end up not cooperating with me and I could not do it regularly enough to do anything. So, nothing worked.

The life of many women.....get up & make coffee, get kids up & ready for school, get yourself ready, go to work, come home from work if you are lucky enough not to have to stop by the grocery store first for dinner stuff, and/or stop by the daycare and pick up kids then go home. Wrangle kids into the house, start dinner & cook dinner, get kids to do homework, watch husband walk in the door and ask you what's for dinner as he strolls past the kitchen to park himself on the couch and turn on the TV, throw in a load of laundry in between stirring something cooking or check on homework, eat, clear dinner mess, put away leftovers, try to spend a bit of quality time with your kids, and yep, it's around 8-8:30 now. Time to get the kids in the showers and into bed. Exhausted, we hit our own bed. Wake up and repeat. Um, when do you exercise? Please do tell.

So, I stayed fat. At 36 I decided to do Weight Watchers and lost 18 lbs. My husband decided he wanted another kid, I didn't but guess who ended up pregnant anyway? Not him, that's for sure. I had Braxton a month and a day before I turned 37. Then I was just busy all over again. I joined a gym 2 more times from 37 to 40. It never worked because the family just kept finding reasons for me to do things for them and they needed things from me or my presence so I couldn't go enough to do any good. I gave up again. I blamed my husband mostly and I can be honest enough to admit that I hated him a little for it. He could find every reason under the sun not to watch our four kids. Somebody always needed something and Braxton hated the daycare at the gym and they would always come and get me and tell me I had to take him home. I tried working out at home but the kids would constantly interrupt me while doing a video or anything else I did. I wanted to pull my hair out! It was too frustrating, so I stayed fat.

Then Lysa TerKeurst (oh how I love that woman!) began a sugar fast and actually sustained her battle with food by doing it with God. She used scriptures like Lamentations 3:24 The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him to help her overcome cravings. She said she asked the Lord to be her portion of strength to overcome a craving. She would ask him to be the portion she needed instead of food. She used scriptures involving "overcoming" to overcome this battle with food and exercise she had to go through. I watched her do it for a year with a skeptical eye. I mean seriously....could the Lord really be my "portion" instead of a delicious chocolate chip cookie from the Bakery? Huh, could He really? She turned her food/exercise battle into a spiritual battle and the Lord and Jesus were her biggest weapons. You know what, it worked. I was inspired.

I turned 40 and I got slightly depressed. I was hoping Edward (Twilight) would come and bite me so I could stay 39 forever but he never showed up. Dang. Then I got mad when I realized I just spent my entire 30's unhappy with myself and overweight. I still see myself as that skinny girl until I would look in the mirror. Very depressing. So, I said if Lysa can do it, I can do it.

I told the family that I was going to get on the treadmill every day. No matter what. They interrupted me of course but I would yell at them to get out of my room. I was mad. I started to pray the entire time I was on the treadmill. I fully involved God in this weight loss battle. I made Him chief dietitian and fitness trainer. I spoke scriptures concerning who I am in Christ over myself. I would want something sweet and I would ask God to be my portion. And you know what? It worked. In less than a week I didn't crave sweets anymore and I was eating probably half of what I ate before. In fact, many times I didn't want to eat at all. I felt stronger and more confident in my ability to accomplish my goal with God in control of the battle. Huh, who knew? Then one day I was praying on the treadmill as to how I was going to be able to keep this up and also add free weights to the workout and such. I honestly am constantly pressed for time to accomplish what I have to do every single day. How do I fit in working out too Lord I asked? Well, as soon as I got off the treadmill the Lord answered my prayer immediately and I have never been the same since. Thank you Jesus for visiting Mary and Martha on this particular occasion and including it in your Holy Word for us!!!! What did God show me? Please click here to read.

Mostly I learned that my weight was my fault and my fault only. I was wrong to have ever blamed my husband. He may have been wrong to not be helpful or supportive but he never stopped me from doing anything. I stopped myself, I gave up, I didn't fight hard enough for myself. I made the choice to go about making all the preparations like Martha was and getting angry and bitter like Martha and just when Martha goes to Jesus (and wouldn't you just think Martha is entitled to complain and say she needed Mary to get up and help her! Can't we sympathize with poor Martha?) Jesus tells her that Mary is the one doing the right thing. Excuse me Jesus but what?

Modern day.....wives play out as Martha & husbands play out as Mary. I am generalizing of course. I know some lazy dog women who expect their man to do everything and are awful wives. I also acknowledge there are plenty of good men out there who do things around the house and are superb husbands. But generalizing, this is the big picture. When many women look at this scripture they are imagining themselves as Martha at home doing all the work or most certainly the vast majority of it and feeling very upset about it and resentful of their Mary/husband who clearly can't see for himself all the work to be done around the house and is quite content to sit around taking care of his own needs whilst us Martha's work ourselves from dawn to dusk. That was a run on sentence if ever there was one. So what do us Martha's do? We go to Jesus in prayer and ask the Lord to change our husbands. Yes, we do. Oh some of us hear the sermon about praying for God to change you both and to change you first and we pray that but in our hearts we still think that we are fine and our Mary/husbands are the ones with the issues and could you please hurry up Jesus and fix him before I kill him? Hello conviction.

But alas, Jesus says the Mary/husband is making the right choice. I sum it up in the link but it all comes down to choices. We as women get caught up in the "what has to be done" and because our Mary is not going to help get it done because Mary is taking care of Mary's needs we just assume we have to do it all and we do. So we do not take care of our needs as we should and we go about making all the preparations like Martha getting upset, angry, tired and maybe a little over weight? And men, let me tell you this carries over into your sex life. A tired woman does not want to have sex with you. Especially if she has been on the go all day and then continued to go all night too while you watched TV or just did as you please. Um, you're not getting any, okay?

So we should learn from our Mary's. We should learn from the real Mary. We need to make the right choice to put God first. Jesus makes it very clear to Martha that He should have come before the cooking and cleaning. His word pouring into your soul is more important than vacuuming, cooking and cleaning? Yes, it is. If you made your domestic to do's a priority you are wrong if you didn't get your Lord time in. But it has to be done you say? Yes, it does and Jesus knew that too and still He told Martha/us wives that she was wrong and so are we if we do not have our spirits fed and take care of our bodies. We should learn from Mary and we should learn from men in general who are much more happier than women. Although men, you're still not getting any if you aren't helping out some or giving your wife time to unwind okay? yeah.

So that is what God showed me and the result? 30 pounds lost, the kids don't bother me anymore when I workout, the kids exercise now too, my husband likes me a whole lot better now that I am happier, my husband helps me protect my work out time now, the house has not fallen apart, things get done still but not as perfect as they used to be but I am getting skinnier and I am much happier so it must be working!

It all comes down to choice. What choice am I going to make today? And that is how I am losing the weight. Plus 90 minutes 7 days a week on my treadmill. Amen.

Jenn

Back On Meth

2010-05-26T21:22:00.003-04:00

This is a weird post but I want to record this for a special reason. I use this blog as my diary too. I found out today that two of my friends who stopped doing meth have gone back to doing it. It was very devastating news. Both people have children and spouses. This will have major implications and already has for one of them. Both are saved church going people, active in their church. Boy that bites.

I've never done drugs. Ever. I just don't understand why anyone would want to put themselves under the influnce of something that would make them lose control over how they behave. I don't get it. I can't even pretend to understand the hold of drugs on a person or alcohol for that reason. I am so sad. I'm sad because I know they are both wonderful people and they wanted so badly to have beaten this thing and thought they had beaten it. I wonder what happened to both of them to make meth look like the answer to the problem. Or maybe it's just a chemical craving thing? I don't know.... I'm a little upset one of them didn't call me when she was hurting or upset. Isn't that what I am here for? I say call me anytime, that means call me anytime. Some people don't mean that but anyone that knows me knows how literal I am. If I say call me for anything anytime and I will listen to you then I mean it. Dang, I could have talked her down or at least have been someone to let out the frustrations on. You know how us women like to vent. Emotional release is critical to our emotional health.

I'm upset for the kids. I'm upset for the spouses. I'm upset for them. I'm upset for the people who will look at them and say "See, God doesn't work." I'm just plain upset.

And just to put this out there, if anyone ever needs a voice to talk to, email me and I will give you my phone number. My home phone is our business phone number anyway. People from all over call my house all day long, this is so not a private number anyway. Google Stonecrest Homes & Renovations and you have my home number. I would much rather anyone call me and talk to me than do drugs or any other harmful thing. I am a good listener and I've never done drugs but I've been through plenty of poop in my life. I can relate.

I'm going to make some calls tomorrow and see what I can do in the way of damage control. 'Cause you know the enemy will dump that lovely feeling of shame on them too. Shame is an emotion I have learned a Christian need not feel. Repentence and forgiveness need to replace shame and then you top those two off with freedom and release. Yes indeed. Always move forward, never backward. Just keep going forward no matter what. So you are wounded, so what? It was through Jesus's wounds that we were bought, redeemed, saved and set free. Use your wounds for the glory of the Lord, not to wallow in flesh and glorify the enemy. UGH, I hate this. Stupid drugs.

If you wouldn't mind, these two people could use some prayer and so could their families. I just want them to know so much that they are still loved and not to back away from God, family and friends. Stupid drugs.

Are cigarettes considered a drug? My husband has started smoking after quitting for 12 years. GROSS. I refuse to kiss him. Nasty. He is addicted to those. I wish he would quit but he does what he wants. I think he started smoking a year ago? It makes me want to barf. I tried kissing him once after he smoked and it tasted disguesting!!!!!!! I asked him if the taste in his mouth was what cigarettes tasted like and if it was how could he stand those nasty things. I guess smoking is better than meth? I could have bigger problems I guess.

What a day...

Jenn

p.s.

I was thinking I had a good hair day yesterday and my face looked like it was getting skinnier so I took a new profile pic. I'm happy about the losing weight thing. There's some good news atleast right?

Urgent Prayer Request

2010-05-26T09:21:00.002-04:00

Friends, I have been asked to spread the word of an URGENT prayer request. Okay prayer warriors, we need you. Please click on this link to read the story and prayer request. This family needs prayer desperately.

If you think your individual prayers don't matter or add up, let me tell you that they do. My Amber lay dying in the hospital with tubes everywhere and unable to breathe on her own. The doctors told us to tell everyone to come say their goodbyes. I refused to give up on my 3 week old baby and called every person I could think of to pray for my baby. I asked for us to be put on every single prayer chain that anyone could think of. I asked friends to call every church in town for immediate prayer. In less than 24 hours the tubes were being pulled out and Amber was healed. God hears our prayers! Let's give this family the precious gift or prayer.

Love you,

Jenn

Never Mind His Speck of Wood, Mind Your Own Plank

2010-05-25T10:50:00.003-04:00

This was about a year ago. Mike was at work one day and he said the Lord spoke to him and told him to build 3 wooden crosses for our church grounds. It was 100 degrees outside. What did Mike do? He went to Home Depot after he was done working, came straight home and built 3 gigantic wooden crosses. The one in the middle stands higher than the other two, just like we always picture on Calvary. He blew me away that day. He never came in and said hello. He just went straight to work in that 100 degree weather. He never said what he was doing. He didn't feel like he had to. It was between him and the Lord. I was impressed. Why am I writing about this again? Because my poor Mikey has taken a wounding today.

Being judged stinks. Most of us say we don't judge people, but I bet if we take close inventory we do make assumptions (the nice word for judging) about people and assign those "assumptions" to them. I get really angry when our Christian friends/acquaintances judge Mike or look down on him because he does not go to church every time the doors are open. So what? Just like the baptism guy I wrote about, Mike works tons of hours. He kills himself to make his business a success so our family is not homeless. He goes Sunday mornings and guess what? Sometimes he is so exhausted because he worked Saturday too that he takes Sunday just to rest and does not go to church. I may not prefer that but big whoop. Why can't he do that if he is completely exhausted? Why can't he do a devotion at home every now and then or watch a sermon because he is dog tired and he needs him brain to be focused or the business suffers. He cannot stay stressed out, period. He needs his time of rest. He works late a lot, Wednesday nights are very difficult for him. Plus, he comes home covered in saw dust or sweaty and needs to take a shower and eat first. That's hard to do when you don't get home until 15 to 30 minutes before we would have to leave for church. Plus, he is exhausted. Home remodeling is a hard and tough business. It is physically exhausting.

You know, it really chaps my tail that people assume that our Christian walk or relationship with the Lord is based off service in the church or church attendance. Um, that can be a very good indicator but not the only one. It makes me very upset because I tell people that he does a lot in the community and he does. You just would not believe all the stuff he does for people in our community and lots of other places. He is generous to a fault. He gives and gives and most of the time I don't even know the stuff he does until someone tells me what he did for them. He keeps a lot to himself, he's not a bragger. Once again, he just goes John Wayne on me ha ha. Quiet. He walks quiet with the Lord but he's walking. Isn't that all that matters? That he is obedient and he is walking? Sheesh.

I know plenty of people go to church every time the doors are open and I can guarantee that for a good deal of them the rest of their time is spent focused on "life" and the stuff in their life. Some people like Mike go less but their walk is highly focused and obedient to the Lord. So who looks like the better Christian to man's eyes?

Mike has such great faith, I think I said that yesterday even. What a huge gift and he uses it. Jesus said to love was the greatest commandment. We are to love others and I tell you what....I'm hard pressed to think of many people like Mike who go out of their way to help people like he does. AND, not expect anything for it or tell anyone about it. He just does it because it's the right thing to do. If he knows of a need he tries to help that person or hook them up with someone that can help. He is a great man and I am so mad right now that someone would think less of him for his church attendance record and give favor to someone else because they attend more.

God is not a respector of persons so why does man do it? That really irritates me!

I am like a lioness right now, roaring in protective mode. I am like, how dare anyone judge him! They don't know squat about this man. They are lucky to even know his name, how dare anyone look at attendance and make assumptions about anyone. Grrrrr......

Yes, God should be first but God being first does not have to be defined by sitting in a pew. What if a busy man has the bible on CD and plays it in his work truck? What if a busy man prays a lot while he is driving around? What if a busy man stops to help people daily as he sees a need? What if a busy man just goes to church one day a week and spends time in the word on his own on other days? What if a busy man is focused on God and is obedient and not many people can see it? Does it make God not be first for him?

Once again, the road to heaven may be a narrow road but that road looks very different for all of us. It's doesn't have the same scenery for all of us. I wish people would remember to just focus on the plank in their own eye. My husband is an outstanding person. He is faithful, loves his kids and plays with them, he loves God and Jesus, he treats women with great respect, he serves his community well and I could go on and on. Oh, yeah and he never hesitates to tell people about Jesus. So there. Stupid people.....he stays calm and I get all outraged. I saw the hurt though and that was enough to get me all riled up.

For me, my walk does put me in church twice on Sundays most of the time and on Wednesday evenings. I go every other week on Thursdays to teach our ladies class too. I pray, I study too. So what? Does that make me better than Mike? What if he is there physically in church less than me but he prays more and studies the Bible more? Who is better then? I say nobody is better but aha, we do make those assumptions don't we? His faith never waivers, mine has but I go to church more. Why is that? A walk with God doesn't become greater because you sit in a pew more, that's why.

Why oh why do we hurt each other? Big dummies. Going to work now and then meeting Lexie for a pedicure. Gotta have pretty toes for Saturday's big graduation day! That should cheer me up.

Jenn

Hold My Heart

2010-05-24T19:40:00.002-04:00

For my hurting friends, you are not alone. I am praying for each of you. I promise you. I love you all very much. You can call on me anytime.

Love you,

Jenn