What 2011 Had In Store For Me and Mine. Let's Catch Up.

I quit blogging almost a year ago. Since the blog was titled Blogging God and Me, and there pretty much wasn't a God and Me anymore, I stopped blogging. Life stunk and I was pretty peeved about it. I walked away from our "relationship" but I never quit going to church.


I read through the last few of my posts, the last one being May 4, 2011 and I laughed so hard when I read my post from Easter 2011. One of the last things I wrote was that I was looking forward to a great/good summer. Eh, it was one of the two. I'd bet money I was only reaching for good though.....great???? who would I be kidding ha ha. Let's see how that worked out for me.



1.When last we left off I had been having a menstrual period for six months. No, that was no typo, SIX FLIPPETY FLIPPIN MONTHS. And, to avoid any confusion I do mean EVERY SINGLE DAY for those six months. Well, I finally stopped bleeding and hemorrhaging at the end of May. I stopped bleeding altogether in early June. Since this ties in to the worlds longest period thanks to the evil Depo shot my evil doctor gave me for birth control. And, may I say what a wonderful 100% birth control method that shot was......what man in his right mind wants to pork his wife while she is bleeding like a stuck pig. Yes doctor, that was an excellent form of birth control, thank you so much for keeping me from getting pregnant. And having any sex......oh yes, back to what I was getting at.......if anyone remembers I lost 34 lbs in 2010. Yes, that lovely Depo shot made me gain 24 of them back. Thank you again evil doctor for not mentioning that Depo shots cause many women to bleed like Niagara Falls, go psycho, and gain around 30 lbs, you are the best. So thankfully I'm back to regular periods, I'm not psycho but still highly sarcastic in my writing style and thoughts but still sweet as pie outwardly....:) and I still have the 24 lbs. GRRRRR......I lost half a pound last week though, I'll take it.



2. Ah May, I'd like to say we're out of May but NO. May wasn't done with my family yet. The end of May brought horrible news for my daughter Amber's scoliosis. We found out that her scoliosis had not improved or stopped it's curvature like the $6,000 brace (paid in cash, we have no health insurance) and the $6.000 in physical therapy, and the $2,000 traction chair was supposed help do. No, after our end of May visit the chiropractor referred Amber out for surgery. I'd like to say since it's now Jan 2012 that Amber has had her surgery, or is even scheduled for surgery. But....NO. Her curve is increasing so rapidly that she is already at a 100 plus curve and the doctors around here don't think they can help her. After being shuffled around from doctor to doctor we are referred out to a Shriners Hospital for children in Philadelphia, PA. That happened in October, still can't get an appointment. Amber can't wear a bra anymore because she is curved so far over that the bra cuts right into her skin. Joy......She is in pain daily.....more joy......and we found out in July that she has a Chiari Malformation of the brain. This has been, yes you guessed it......WAY MORE JOY......because it's lots of fun to have the base of your brain being sucked into your spinal column blocking spinal fluid from entering your spinal cord which causes you to have scoliosis, headaches and dizziness and a few other things but those are the "only" symptoms Amber experiences. More about Amber's 2 surgeries later.....



3. Hello June, what did you have in store? Oh that's right.....my husband's dad died. It was so horrible. It was beyond horrible. They had just spent the last 2 years becoming so close and it all ended so unhappily. Cancer is not a pleasant way to die. I was so sad for my husband, to this day he still picks up the phone to call his dad. We had to take him off life support and he died surrounded by everyone who loved him. I do believe that when his soul rose up out of his body and he saw that we were all touching him and gathered around him that it must have made him happy to see such a sight. It has been difficult to help my husband, he doesn't like to talk about it. He just keeps it in, he was an emotional mess for a couple of months. He was really angry and lashing out but thankfully that didn't last long, now he just shoves it all in. It was a rough time, and the week of planning, paying for, and putting together the funeral was insanely miserable. June, I was glad to see you go.


4. July and August was filled with doctors appointments at Greenville, South Carolina Shriners Hospital and various financial difficulties.


5. September, I hated you the most. You sucked so bad I'd like to vote the month of September right off the calender. September 28, 2011 Heaven received one of the most beautiful souls to ever grace this planet. My mom, Karen Tomlinson died that day. It was bar none, the worst day of my entire life. She was my best friend from the time I was a baby until the day she died. No one was ever closer to me than my mom. I always wanted to be around her. I always wanted to talk to her. She was truly, one of the best people ever. My mom loved me more than anyone, she always asked me how my day was. Nobody ever asks me how my day was.....even though I always has everyone else how their day was....but mom always cared enough to ask. Her death was not peaceful. It was horrible and drawn out. Dad and I were at the hospital non stop for days and the first two she did nothing but scream in pain. As usual, I had to demand she be pumped with pain killers. "No doctor, I don't care that it will effect her breathing. Do you not year her yelling "Help, Help, Help, Help,Help, over and over? Give her something before I throw you out of the hospital window. Please and thank you." After that she came to a conscious state only one time. Of course it was the only flippety flippin time I was not at the hospital because I needed a physical and we didn't think mom was going to die so I went for my pap smear. Which, of course......I found out 2 weeks later came back as ABNORMAL. Of course it did.......I'll be re tested in March to see what the abnormality is, it had better not be cancer because I just can't deal with that. I have a 12 year old girl to get through 2 very painful surgeries and rehab. I don't need to be dying. We found out the day she died that her pain was from 2 herniated discs in her neck. Her body was flooded with carbon monoxide also, her lungs weren't working right anymore and her blood was being poisoned. Right after my pap smear my dad called me around 5pm to tell me the doctors had just finished telling him that she would never come off life support and would need a feeding tube and have to live in a nursing home. That was around 5pm and in that particular critical care ward they kick you out at 6pm. We decided to regroup in the morning at the hospital to discuss this turn of events. September 27, 2011 I was reading to my 4 year old (The Old Willis Place) and the phone rang. It was 9pm and I knew......I knew it was my dad and I didn't pick up the phone. I just let my husband answer it. I set the book down on the bed and waited for him to come up. I knew that nobody else would be calling that late and that the call could only mean one thing. It didn't take long for me to hear my husband coming up the stairs, I wanted him to stop but he just kept coming towards our room. Dammit. He said my dad had just gotten off the phone with Kennestone Hospital and mom crashed. Dad had to make a split second decision to let her go or put her on life support. My Aunt Gail, mom's sister was already on her way down and Dad said put her on life support so we can all say goodbye. The entire family drove over to mom and dad's apartment to be with my dad and then later went home. The hospital said we could not come up, we had to wait until morning. I was really distraught that I didn't know if my mom was alive or not. I mean, if she was already dead and they revived her was her soul put back in? Or, was she gone and God just let her soul stay with Him and let the body stay alive by the machines? I wanted to know where mom was and nobody knew. What really sent me over the edge was that when mom is in the hospital my dad never leaves her side. He sleeps in the room with her at all times except when she is in certain critical care units they won't let him. She's never alone though and she had to die alone that first night. I can't imagine how horrified she must have been to know dad never leaves her and she would have risen up to see nobody from her family there. That must have made her sad. The next day was horrendous. I didn't sleep of course and my eyes were so swollen from crying after hearing the news on the 27th that I couldn't even hardly see. That sucked too. She didn't die until 5:30 the next day in the afternoon. We all took turns breaking down and I'm 100% certain I had a nervous breakdown twice that day in her room. That must have really sucked for the other patients in critical care because I was sobbing and yelling very loudly. When I wasn't doing that dad was......thank goodness for my church family and for my Aunt Gail who were so wonderful.


I'm still devastated. I still cry every day. It will be 4 months Jan 28 2012.


6. Oct-Dec have just been filled with me and my husband trying to manage after both losing a parent 3 months apart from each other. Our business expanded and in Oct we moved into an office/warehouse. My husband is expanding even more as of Feb. Things business wise are looking promising but it's a lot of hard work and a challenging time because expanding things and starting a new business is not cheap so my cash flow is very limited while we do this. That's never fun but it's worth it of course. I believe in my husband, he is great.



7. Remember those 24 lbs I gained due to the shot? LOL, I'd like to say I have proof that stay at home wives are busy and DO WORK. Now that we have moved out of having an office in our home where I worked part time from home as well as taking care of the home and the 4 year old, I work in an office now 5 days a week. Guess what? Now that I'm not at home and "working" I gained 10 lbs since Oct 15 when we moved in there. Ha ha ha, I always told my husband I worked all day and now I have proof. Now that I'm sitting all day at my desk, I gain 10 lbs which just goes to show that when I was home I was moving all day. Ha, and take that to anyone who says SAHM's don't work. So I've gotten though the holidays now and have said enough is enough and I am back to working out every day again. I want my 34 lbs back off and I want to continue losing even more. It was hard work to get it off but I'll just have to do it again. It's all good as long as it comes off. I turned 42 in December. I hear that next year my birthday should be LOTS OF FUN since my birthday is December 21. As in December 21 2012, YES FOLKS, I am supposed to be getting the ultimate birthday party this year......you know since it's the end of the world and all ha ha. If any of you know me this end of the world thing may take on a new seriousness because just the fact that it would be taking place on my birthday may imply the possibility of it happening. After all, I'm not exactly known for my good luck and if the end of the world should come on any one's birthday, it would most certainly be mine. Yes indeedy. Stock up on your rice and guns. I have several guns if you need any and the zombies are coming for you. But if you turn into a zombie and try coming for me I should warn you that I am an excellent shot.



I'm hopeful that nobody will die this year. I'm hopeful that I just had a freak abnormal pap smear and in April my results will come back normal. I've never had an abnormal pap smear before and I'm freaked out. Lots of my friends tell me they've had them come back abnormal before. That's mildly helpful, to the most mildly mild extent that one can be mildly helpful. The year before I had my first mammogram (boob smashing fest) and that came back as abnormal in my left breast and I had a freak out about that but when I went in for the second mammogram (boob smashing fest part II) it came back as fine. I guess the left one has some fibrous tissue and la la la la la I quit listening to what she said after the words "It's not cancer" and "fibrous tissue" came out of her mouth because I passed out from relief.



What number are we on? Do I really want to scroll up to see? Okay, I'll stop being lazy. I'm scrolling now.Ha!!! I was gong to guess 8 and I was RIGHT.

8. I was asked to volunteer in the cafe at my church in September. That's actually pretty funny since anybody who knows me in real life, or is Facebook friends with me (feel free to send me a friend request, I'm told I'm funny and I can amuse you with my witty status updates that aren't too frequent I promise, lol.).....where were we anyway, oh yeah, the cafe......I hate cooking. I hate being in the kitchen although I am addicted to the Food Network channel and the cafe at church is the last place on earth you'd expect to see me volunteering!! But you know what? I love it. Oh, yeah, let me also say that even though I hate cooking with all of my being I still do it. My kids and my husband do need to eat and I value them more than my hatred for cooking so I do still do it. I'm not that selfish....but as far as the cafe goes, I really enjoy it. Probably because as luck would have it I don't have to do any cooking. We bring in McDonald's and I make coffee and we have tons of other stuff to sell to happy hungry church goers but whoopty doo I don't have to cook any of it. I so enjoy being there and talking to people from 9:30 until church starts at 11:00 when service starts. One of the other benefits of my cafe volunteering is that during praise and worship time (singing) I stay in the cafe and refill the fridge/coke sales cases and clean up. I usu sally get done putting the money away and lock up during the last song. This is great for me because I just haven't dealt with my grief enough yet and my emotions are so raw that I just cannot participate in praise and worship. I just can't do it. I'll completely fall apart. I spent so many years right next to my mom in church praising the Lord together and she loved that part of service so much that I just can't do it yet. Not yet. So this time in the cafe is really good for me. It keeps me sane and I get to talk to so many people in the church, I've made friends through this opportunity God and the church as given me and I'm grateful for that. I'm pretty reserved around people I don't know and being the lady at the food window there is no being reserved and since I feel comfortable, I'm pretty chatty. True Life Church is so friendly anyways, they love to love on people. I love it there so much. Yes I do.

Well, I think that's enough for now. I think I want to start blogging again. I miss it. I miss the free therapy lol. I think it's time to journal again. I've gone though a lot spiritually and I want to journal that too. So, it's good to be back after almost a year.

My mom's obituary....Rest in peace mom....I love you so much!!!!!!

Love ya,

Jenn

When God Doesn't Take What You Give Him

I had a really cool moment this week or two actually that gave me some insight as to why all things churchy are tough for me right now. You know, since I'm on some weird kind of sort of hiatus at church. First, I was trying to explain to my husband why I can't just "relax" and "let things roll off my back" like he keeps telling me to. I personally cannot even conceive how to do that so I said that is as difficult for me as it is for you to hear people say "just give it to God". Hubs hates it when people say that! Then he says to me "No, it's not the same thing. You can let things go but I can't give anything to God because He never takes it." Fashizzle, a light bulb went off. You know, Mike was right. In everything Mike has tried to give to God since I have known him the last 14 years God did not take those things and do anything with them. I felt really let down for him. I, for the first time, was able to completely understand why he does not understand why people say just give it to God. He had a major point, sometimes you give something to God and He doesn't take it. I wonder why that is? The first irritating answer to that is "well it's all in God's timing, not ours." When people say that I always want to say "Oh great, thanks for that super irritating answer. Can I slap you now or should I wait for God's timing to beat the shiz out of you?" (Chuckle chuckle, oh I slay me sometimes.)

Anyhoo, let's toss out the well he could be a wild sinning old dog part of the equation too. He is a super stand up guy with more integrity than anyone I've ever known. Fer sure. So, why doesn't God take what Mike tries to give him? I have no answer and I fully understand why Mike feels rejected by God. I know he asks for wisdom too and I also pray for wisdom for the hubs but honestly, we still have no clear direction ever. It's always a tough decision when we make them concerning our business and stuff. Where is the wisdom? I don't feel any wiser. I asked Mike if he felt wiser and the look he gave me sent me into a laughing fit. Oh it was a goodie. I took that as a no ha ha. I would think that no matter what state we are in spiritually or sinfully that if we asked for wisdom many times that God would want to give that to us. Right?

I don't know why God does what he does. I don't know why Jesus does what he does. I get really confused by Jesus because he seems like a really tough no nonsense kind of guy. He is no Dr. Feelgood and he is more than a little intimidating to me. I wonder sometimes if I ever encountered Jesus, would he be sweet to me like he was with some or would he tell me off. Because if you needed a telling off he told you off. You know, I look at the Mary/Martha story where Martha is all in a tizzy about all the work she has to do (aka most wives) and she is upset that Mary (aka most husbands) is taking time out to do what is best for herself. She even gets upset with Jesus for not noticing that Martha is doing all the work and not asking Mary to get up and help her. What does Jesus do? He tells her Mary is doing the right thing and He won't tell her to stop doing what is right. Most of us think that is the end of the story but it is soooooo not. That is what Jesus said to Martha leaving most to think that he left Martha to continue on unfairly in her labor all by her lonesome. He left Martha to figure it out. What he was really saying was, Martha you are working yourself to the point of aggravation. Stop, come and join us as your wise sister has done (aka wives stop working yourselves to the bone and join your husband in some relaxation and exercise like he does because he is doing the right thing by taking care of himself and you are doing the wrong thing by not taking care of yourself). The work will always be there but he will not. He gives what I always considered to be a harsh answer to an overworked Martha who really wanted nothing more than to serve Jesus and make his stay in her home a pleasant and comfortable one. She was doing so much she needed help. Jesus basically said the work should not come before time with Him. But he said it in such a way that he left it for her to figure out. I get really frustrated with this story because it does not tell us whether Martha figured out that the "chores" around the house weren't all that important and living life and loving Jesus was better to be first or did she continue on with all her cooking and cleaning by herself? If she did was she upset with Jesus? Did she ever realize that he was inviting her to join them in his Jesus way of speaking? I would love to know. The point of all that? I wonder so much sometimes if God and Jesus do try to take it but since Jesus likes to speak in a confusing manner- I just don't understand what they are saying to me! Do you know how horrible that would be? I wonder if Martha ever understood what Jesus was saying to her or did she just go on about her work thinking he was a jerk that day.

If I was a story like this in the Bible would people be able to see the point and figure out what God and Jesus are trying to do and say to me? Would they be shaking their heads and wondering why I can't understand what God and Jesus were saying to me? And I still wonder why Jesus didn't just say "Martha you work too much. You are a great hostess but I'd rather you just stop and spend time with me like everyone else in the house is, including Mary. Now get in here and sit with me." Sheesh Jesus, could you please speak so I can understand you? I'm just not that smart and I'd really like to understand you and God? Pretty please.

IHOP with the other heathens on Easter.

We didn't go to church on Easter. We went to IHOP with the other heathens. There were many heathens at the IHOP chomping down on some yummy pancakes. I had made the decision to skip out on church for Easter mostly because I just didn't want to go. That decision was helped along by hearing that there would be no sermon on Sunday. None of us wanted anything other than a happy day and we didn't feel like watching people dance around on stage whilst pictures of Jesus all bloodied up danced around in the background screens. No thanks. Our life sucks enough, we wanted a day of happy things.

After breakfast we window shopped, had a nice time at a park and then went to see the movie Hop. I was excited to find out that at our local movie theatre all movies 7 days a week are $5 a ticket for movies starting between 4:00-5:30. What a steal! Also, on Tuesdays all drinks and small popcorn's are $1 a piece. Shazam, we can afford movies for 6 now. Hop was pretty funny. Amber split her pants at the park on the monkey bars and that was freakin hysterical. I for one didn't want to go to the park because it was hot and being in nature when it is hot makes my husband cranky and my kids kooky. So, there was a little drama as we were leaving the park because my kids pissed off my husband being loud and laughing. But, it was my fault because somewhere between getting in the truck and arriving at the movies it was decided that our dog Brownie would get a Facebook. We had a fun time listing Brownie's info we could put on her facebook. For instance, for music Brownie would have "I whip my tail back and forth. I whip my tail back and forth." That will not be at all funny if you have never heard Willow Smith's song "I whip my hair back and forth." Ahem. This hoo haa aggimatated the hubs and he got a little cranky poo along the way . Fortunately for us all we were there a tad early and he got to play some video games with big guns and shooting things always makes Mike happy. I think Mike would have made an excellent soldier in war time. A sniper perhaps? He does love to shoot things.

Anyhoo, I was most thrilled that I did not have to cook a single thing on Easter. KFC grilled chicken meal for dinner. Oh yeah. It was the first year I didn't go to church for Easter or cook a big Easter dinner. I also did not do Easter baskets. We did not dye Easter eggs. I bought a bag of 42 plastic eggs and stuffed them with coins and Hershey kisses. We had two hunts in the living room. One for the youngest two and one for the oldest two. The first hunt was sweet. The second hunt looked more like a boxing tournament than an egg hunt. The couch leg was wounded in the battle and there was much egg stealing out of the older two's baskets when the other was not looking. Jesus would have been so proud :) All in all it was a great day. Lexie said she was glad we did not go to church because she always thinks of Easter as being happy and she said most of the time at church Easter service seems sad and it makes her cry. I know what she means.

I didn't go to bible study this past Tuesday either. I wasn't going to go the week before either but I decided at the last minute to go. It was on the favor of God. I should not have gone. Basically it was bullshit that if you are a good little girl and do everything the bible tells you then the favor of God will be upon you and you will have more than enough health, finances, happy relationships, ministry opportunities, growth in all areas of your life and an all around great ta da life. Bullshaz bullshaz bullshaz. Um, first of all the disciples were totally doing what they were supposed to and their lives post Jesus were tough as all get out. John the Baptist did everything he was supposed to, was put on this earth by God himself to prepare the way for Jesus and look at his life. Living in the desert, eating bugs, jailed and beheaded. Look at missionaries in China, doing God's will and they are tortured and imprisoned for years and some for life. I know of one beaten with a sledge hammer and left in a heap broken bones and all. No one ever picked him up once. He just had to heal the way he was able to scoop himself up. Hmmm, no definitely not a good class for me to go to. I have been a good little girl my whole life and my life is crappy poop doo. Everyone says I am cursed, so in my "this is all bullshit" state of mind that was so not the class for me to have attended. I left there feeling like dog poop and completely unworthy. I was like boy I must really be pathetic if she is right and my life is always so sucky, it must be because I am a disobedient piece of crap. Which I know I am not and I have the worn out bibles to prove it. So, being a good little girl does not guarantee crappy doo and I wish people would quit teaching that. Does that mean we shouldn't be good? No. It doesn't but being a good little rule follower does not in any way guarantee you wisdom, steady finances, health, and good relationships.

I'm not sure how to take the hiatus that I am wanting to take. Now that I have been back at my old church it feels stupid to leave again. Especially since they miss me when I am not there as evidenced by my facebook wall and message inbox. We missed you Jenn, oh boy do I feel bad. I am so confused anymore. I was thinking about what my life will look like now. I made up my mind that if God wants me, if Jesus wants me then they need to throw a little positivity my way. I do not need crappy circumstances to make me turn to them. I was already turned to them and secure. It's just this constant onslaught that has me now saying enough is enough. I am done with this abusive relationship. I don't need anybody to torture me to make me better. I don't want to quit God either. What does that look like? I was thinking of volunteering my time at a teen shelter that is not affiliated with a church here locally. I don't want to just become a lukewarm fence sitter. That is just not me, I'm not sure what to do. I do know that all things church just aggravate the poo out of me lately though which is crazy considering how much I have always loved going to church and loved volunteering. I have concluded that I am seriously jacked up and there is no helping me until some positive stuff starts happening and the bad stops and then maybe I can fix myself. I would now consider myself traumatized. So, whatever, I just want to hang out here at the house and not at church and work on remembering what happiness looks like and enjoying life and my family again. Church just wants money and I don't have it to give and I leave there feeling depressed. That's not good for me right now. I think it's a good decision but of course nobody at church would understand that but I'm doing it anyway. Hoping for a happy summer.

So Harry Potter and Twilight are bad but the "MAGIC" kingdom is good? I'm A Little Confused Here.

Once again I was told not to see these movies because magic/vampires are demonic. Oh, so if magic is demonic why are Christians vacationing at the MAGIC kingdom? Seriously. I see Christians complaining on Facebook about these movies, ranting in little groups and blogs because they say they are demonic. Magic is demonic. All magic I ask? Yes, all magic they say. Well, then why do you take your kids to Disney I ask. You know, the MAGIC kingdom. Silence. That is the part where I laugh like a wild hyena in my mind. So the hubs, the kids and I took a quick inventory of movies nobody seems to have a problem with and we had the best time laughing our butts off at the complete hypocrisy and lack of thinking about what people actually say and believe. So, let's take a lookey shall we? The stance.....magic is demonic and Christians should not take part in this via horoscopes, movies and activities. Gotcha. All I always ask? Yes, all they always say. Okay dude, you got it. The Magic Kingdom (a place I personally have no problem with but I don't tell people not to go do and see things either ), um, the word MAGIC is in the title of the establishment. Do I really need to say more? But let's do. The main character of Disney's Magic Kingdom is Cinderella. Her beautiful castle proudly displayed at the entrance. Didn't she escape a horrible life and have all her dreams come true by a "fairy" godmother who used "magic"? Yes or no. Moral of Cinderella is also that you can become Wickan and use magic and fairies to have all your wishes come true. Ah, what a nice movie. Nothing like Harry Potter where magic is used for good to battle evil and good triumphs over evil. Wait, in Cinderella wasn't magic used for good to battle the evil stepmother and sisters and because of the magic good triumphed over evil? Yes or no. But, Cinderella is okay and Harry Potter is not? The Wizard of Oz: Let's see, witches using magic. There is even a witch who is "good" and uses her magic for "good". Does this tell children magic can be good? Then most of the movie Dorothy and her friends are just trying to get to a "wizard" so he can do "magic" and fix all of their problems. Hmmmm, another epic battle of good vs. evil and magic is used or is hoped to be used to fix all the wrongs and make everything okay. I've been told Pokemon is bad because of unnatural "monster type" creatures and those are demonic because they use magic too. Yeah, I think The Wizard of Oz is full of unnatural creatures. But hey, it's okay that that movie promotes wizards, witches and magic right? I mean, it's cute. We don't mind that..... Beauty and The Beast: magical spell cast on the hot guy making him a beast right off the bat. Oh my magic being used for evil purposes in the first minute of the movie? Surely we as Christians should not watch this? Yikes, she says with sarcasm. Magical mirror, castle full of people who had a magic spell cast on them to make them castle objects that talk. Because of the spell and a kiss the beast magically turns into hot dude again. Ah, when magic is used this sweetly certainly it is not demonic? Right? I mean, Harry Potter will make my kids want to become devil worshipers and start learning magic but all the sweet cute movies won't. Okay..... The Little Mermaid: Where should I start....mythical mermaids are now real. Um, isn't the little mermaids daddy a mythical God of the sea? WHAT? A children's movie promoting mythical creatures and the main character is the daughter of a false sea god? No way, Christians would never let their kids see a movie like that? Then an evil octopus uses magic to enslave underwater creatures and trick the little mermaid. I do believe magic is used all over this movie and promotes false gods. WOW. But, that's okay and we can put our little girls in little mermaid jammies and because they are so sweet and the movie is sweet it can't be wrong. Oh no. That magic is happy magic. Peter Pan: Oh my. Let's see.....the "fairy" Tinkerbell who comes from a "fairy" kingdom. Isn't that Wicken? Aren't fairies of false religions? Oh but she's so sweet, she can't be demonic. Then the "fairy" Tinkerbell uses her "magical" fairy dust to help kids fly. Oh, and you can use magic to go to a "magic" place to stay young forever and do what you want and not have to listen to your parents. WHAT? Surely we would not want to promote that behavior to our kids? Magic, not listening to our parents? Sneaking out of the house at night with magic fairies and magical people who fly into your room at night. That would surely be demonic. Are we getting the point yet? I mean, can we not have a little common sense here? I want to quickly mention "Bewitched". A favorite that all of us 40 plus people watched and loved. And none of us were moved to start devil worshiping and learn magic spells. And, yet some of us waltz around judging people for going to and taking our kids to see movies they feel are unhealthy and unchristian because of magic or demonic creatures. All magic is from the devil. Okay so if you are going to go around saying that then you really should think about what you are really saying. And, you may want to go throw out all of your "magic" filled movies in your DVD collection. You can never go to Disney's "MAGIC" kingdom ever again either. Sometimes I just want to say relax people and think about what you are saying. You are not helping anyone by showing yourself to be ignorant and judgemental. I really believe that what we see and where we go must be individualized and just like Paul wrote, everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Each person must decide if something will be harmful to them and their kids personally and not make those decisions for others. Because, as we can see, magic is packaged up all nice and sweetly in some movies and we all love those movies, ahem cough SNOW WHITE, and we don't have problems with those movies but then one comes out that we decide we don't like and that movie becomes evil all of a sudden. But wait, I thought all magic was satanic and demonic? Yeah, I just wish that people would really think about what they believe and realistically live out before they try to tell someone what they should not see or do. Because there's a whole lot of people that discount most of what they say because of stuff just like this. I've seen 4 people get onto others on Facebook for using the Horoscope app because the bible says to stay away from that stuff. But magic is also included in that and all four of these people I know for a fact go to the "MAGIC" kingdom every year. Yep, a quick 30 second read for fun looking at your horoscope is completely demonic and you should be publicly lashed on Facebook for publishing being a Christian that uses the horoscope app but for them to take their kids on a trip exposing them to all things "MAGIC" for days at a time is completely harmless. Yeah, plank in your own eye. plank in your own eye. Don't tell me not to watch Eclipse or Breaking Dawn 'cause I can't hear you. The plank sticking out of your eye is blocking the sound coming from your mouth. This was a highly sarcastic post and I apologize for that. I am a little moody today and every day lately. I want people to leave me alone about this and I wish they would very much think about what they are saying before they say it and analyze if they actually even really believe what they are saying. I'd love to know what anyone thinks about what I wrote and the whole magic/ vampire thing. Is it all bad and should be avoided or not? Can we get too carried away with this and there is room for a little imagination here? But, I feel truly that you can't condemn one movie for magic and promote and accept another movie filled with magic because of our personal preferences.

What I WANT and What I NEED When I Pray

I forgot to load this when Lexie went for her black belt in Tae Kwon doe, the holidays were crazy. I was so proud of Lexie as she did receive her black belt on Braxton's 4th birthday. It was a very good day all around. I think I'd fall over on my face if I tried this ha ha.

I've had an interesting week so far concerning my prayer life, which has been pretty non existant since we left our church to go back to our old one. I was listening to my spiritual mentor http://lysaterkeurst.com/ on her webcast (her site is being hacked these days since her new book Made To Crave has come out so it's down today again. Stupid hackers.) and she was talking about "Wants" and "Needs". Here is the freaky twist to that. If you've been reading the posts below, I blogged about Sunday's sermon at True Life where Jesus says to blind Bart "What do you want me to do for you?" Pastor made a big point that Jesus usually asks a question very similar to this when he heals someone. Knowing Jesus can read the minds of every person around him it is critical to note that he ALREADY knows what the person wants and needs. But, he asks. Pastor said it is important to know WHAT we want from Jesus and WHAT we want Him to do when we are seeking help. I thought that was interesting but didn't pause on that too long. Then the next evening Lysa was on talking about Wants and Needs. I may have this next part mixed up a little because God has shown me so much this week my head is spinning. I may get the begging part from Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl or maybe that all was Monday. You know, I get this much information mixed up sometimes lol. She was talking about how so many times she would pray begging "God I NEED you to do this..... God I NEED you to do that." and how we mess up our WANTS with our NEEDS. I marinated in that for a bit and then I prayed the next day and as I was praying about Amber I realized I was doing the exact thing Lysa was talking about. "God I NEED you to please heal Amber. God I NEED you to help us pay for her treatments. God I NEED....." and I paused very quickly. I said "Okay Lord, I get it now. Jesus, I WANT you to heal Amber but more than anything we NEED you. I WANT the funds to pay back my dad quickly and be able to pay for future treatments and the new wardrobe for Amber but more than anything we NEED to feel you. Jesus I WANT you to make the stress go away with the work pressures so we can focus on kitty but we NEED you directing our lives foremost. We NEED to be in your will. We WANT you to make this better and heal Amber." I redirected my requests quickly into wants and needs. I redirected a needful begging into a faithful request to Jesus and God. You know, I really liked it. Every time I said an "I WANT" I was immediately mindful of what I also NEEDED more than my "I WANT". It made my prayer more focused on Jesus than my requests. It made my requests faith filled requests and not begging and pleading, it made my prayer more centered around my need for Jesus and the Lord to be my main love and focus and my relationship with them as the top priority and everything else was second. I NEED God, I NEED Jesus. I WANT healing for Amber. I WANT the finances to be plentiful so that stress is gone. I WANT the guys to work hard and get the jobs done quickly so they are more profitable so the company can be in the black. It just really shifted my realities into looking at what I truly do need first.

I love Lysa TerKeurst. I cannot wait to get her book Made To Crave. You know that's how I lost over 30 lbs last year, her book kind of. She was in the process of going through everything she did where she ended up being able to write Made To Crave and how the whole diet process needed to be one that she invited God into and how she relied on Him for strength. I thought she was a little kooky at first but as I saw it work for her, I tried it. I invited God to be my strength and my "portion" in my quest to be skinnier. Dude, it totally worked. I would want a cookie and I would pray for God to be my portion. Lamentations 3:24 The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him. I focused in on Him when I was weak towards food. When I didn't want to work out, I prayed for Him to give me strength. Well, 4 months later over 30 lbs were gone and I had been trying to get that 30 something off for 10 years. So, I REALLY want to get this book. I cannot even imagine how much goodness is packed in that book. I've read most of her books and each one has changed me in dramatic ways. The best book EVER is What Happens When Women Say Yes To God. Oh my, best book she has written. This new one may be better.

Well, I just want to say again how unique this praying experience has been separating out what I NEED and what I WANT. Also, you know Jesus was never one to let anybody slide by without being completely genuine with Him. Remember the father who was asking Jesus to heal his son? Jesus told him that he needed to believe because the father said "if you can" and that all things are possible for those who believe. (Remember my post earlier where I read that Beth Moore said God corrected her one time and told her to not just believe IN HIM but to BELIEVE Him. Believing In God is different than Believing God.) Then the father said "I believe. Help me with my unbelief." Then Jesus healed his son. Jesus wants us to believe and be honest with him. He knew the man wanted his son healed. He knew this man served His Father. He knew the man was struggling with the he can but will he thought pattern and I wondered why he said he believed and then immediately said help me with my unbelief. Until, it was mentioned to picture the scenario, Jesus is standing in front of the father looking him straight in the eye. Jesus tells him to believe. The father, wanting his boy healed says "I believe." while looking Jesus right in the eye. There must have been a pause, Jesus is still looking at him. The father desperate for help realizes he does not fully believe and gets truthful with Jesus. "Help me with my unbelief." Jesus is no marshmallow. He wants us to believe and he wants us real. After saying what he WANTS Jesus to do, he activates his faith but his faith is not complete. He reaches out to Jesus instead of turning away and asks Jesus to help him with that too. And, that's when we see Jesus's supernatural meet up with the natural.

I WANT kitty healed but I NEED the peace of Jesus more. I'm glad He is helping me get all of this worked out. God is pretty amazing. Although, I can't lie, I'd be pretty okay for all the bad things to stop happening. That'd be nice. Lost $800 yesterday because one of our employees broke something and we had to replace it. NICE. It's this daily poo that messes me up but hey, I'm on the upside of not being aggimatated with God anymore so it's cool. None of kitty's pants fit her anymore either. I discovered that factoid this morning. I sent her in a dress and leggings yesterday to school for comfort. Her jeans do not go over the brace. So I sent her to school in her sisters black gauchos with sequins across the waistband, lol. Her shirt was long enough to cover it. I guess we will be spending grocery money on pants this weekend, lol. It will all work out. I am the queen of cheap. I think I have a check waiting for me at the consignment store too. Thank goodness.

Jenn

Scoliosis Treatment

This is the brace Amber was fitted with last night. It is a SpineCor flexible brace and I think it rocks over the plastic/fiber glass ones the pediatric orthopedics use. She will wear a under armor type shirt under the brace and then her clothes go over the brace.

We went to this appointment believing that Amber had a curve of 30 degrees to 40 degrees. Unfortunately when the specialist actually measured the curve we got the shock of our lives. She has a 70 degree curvature of the spine. When you get around 50 degrees they recommend seeing a surgeon. That's really not an option for me with my 11 year old girl. Since Amber has not started her period yet that's really bad and her prognosis is for the spine to keep curving. As she grows so does the curve and not having her period is a really bad thing for us right now. We are actually praying for her period to start ha ha. I told her I'm gonna pump her full of hormones which realistically means having her drink lots of milk and eat more meat. They pump those cows full of hormones which starts little girls on their periods quicker. Oh my. Anyhoo, I cried my eyes out again. It was such a shock and after I cried for a bit I just went into survival mode. Mike really liked the doctor which made me really happy. Mike has this unique gift of being able to sense things about people. He is never wrong about anybody he meets. He just knows when someone is shady and he got good vibes about this guy.

So the prognosis isn't good for Amber. He gave us some options.

1. We could brace her with the SpineCor brace and see him for therapy and let him work on her spine with the brace and a very strong home physical therapy program. Her curve is such that he wants to do a 2 week physical therapy with her starting Valentines Day. We would pull her out of school for that time also. She would go to physical therapy from 9:30-12:30 and again from 3:30-5:30 Monday thru Thursday. Friday she will be too exhausted and they only do the morning therapy. Since the office is an hour away we will just hang out somewhere for the 3 hours in between sessions. We will have to purchase a traction chair and after the intense 2 week therapy she will do the traction chair for an hour a day. Picture an electric chair and that's what the traction chair looks like. After traction at home we will have to do physical therapy together and also I have to work her out on our home exercise equipment in addition to the physical therapy because she needs to be pulled out of P.E. (they can't have her sweating in the brace as it retains the moisture and is not hygienic and the moisture makes the brace less effective.) and also she needs to lose weight. The bands are cutting hard across her stomach and she is uncomfortable. Lovely. So basically she will be tied up in home physical therapy 2 hours a day. Also 20 minutes before bedtime he wants me to use some wedges that he will give me to put her into positions and use the wedges to keep her that way for that 20 minutes and then she can go to sleep. Good thing she has a TV with a DVD player in her room. She can only take the brace off 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night. Monday through Friday she has school so she will miss that 2 hours in the am. He said with this therapy we can realistically expect her curve to decrease from 70 degrees to about 50 degrees which is still a bad curvature. Now I also know that people defy odds all the time and this is a general expectation based on past cases. She may do better or she may do worse. Every body responds differently. But, we also have Jesus and I have faith in Him. If He wants to heal Amber and we have faith she will be at a zero curvature if He so chooses. I won't put limits on Jesus but I also must process realities and say that Jesus can but make the best choices here in the natural while we pray for a miracle. Here is the website for the SpineCor brace if you know anybody with Scoliosis as I really like this brace. http://www.scoliosisspecialists.com/

2. Option 2. See a surgeon and he recommended that we do so. We can have the surgery which the Shriners will do for her for FREE because we have no health insurance. I love those Shriners. Surgery on an 11 year girl is not good and he said they'd probably brace her in their fiberglass/plastic braces until she grows more so either way she is going to be braced until surgery if we choose the surgery option. I really hate the surgery option. What parent would love the surgery option? None of course and it may end up being necessary. He said we need to make the decision for ourselves. Before he braced her he said it was a 70/30 odds for her that she would end up needing the surgery by his best guess.

We opted for therapy and the SpineCor brace first before surgery. I am not even going to make an appt. with a surgeon until we give this therapy a go. I feel like I need to try this first and Mike agreed. Before he braced her he said that he did not expect to see an improvement in her spine curvature when he the took the X ray of her in the brace. He said at 70 degrees it should not be expected to see improvement and if there was it would be maybe 5 degrees or less upon just putting her in the brace. If she had a curvature of 30 degrees or so she could be put into the brace and when the brace was on she would be at zero degrees or less than 10 degrees. He said at this point the brace would be stopping progression and then the therapy he would do with her for the two weeks and then the home therapy would be helping to start improvement in the curve. So, this next part was the only ray of hope in the whole 3 hour appointment. After he braced her and took an X ray with the brace on her curve went from 70 degrees to 60 degrees. He was very optimistic and surprised that he got a 10 degree improvement from her considering how bad the curve was. He said that means her spine is still very flexible, something critical to correcting this disease, and that now instead of a 70/30 odds of ending up in surgery we are now probably 50/50. Hey, this mama will take those odds. Thank you Jesus already for that miracle. This doctor actually designed and invented the shorts part of the brace pictured above and SpineCor uses them now. He was really honest with us and I like that. I'll take honesty any day. So, I feel full of hope for kitty. I just can't take an 11 year old girl to see a surgeon, not without trying this first. Before the month is over we will have borrowed $14,000 to treat Amber. As a side note, I had a great laugh when my Grammy who is in no way hurting for cash and is always traveling and going on cruises from which she just returned from one, informed me that she won $500 on the cruise she just came back from and since we would have to purchase lots of new clothes for Amber to fit over her brace she would be sending me $10 in the mail. I laughed and laughed and laughed. We were skyping her from my parents home and Grammy kept yelling "What's so funny?". Oh my, $10 Grammy, really? What the hell am I going to buy for $10? My mom got pissed and told her she would send her the bill for the $14,000. I thought it was hysterical. Fricken $10, keep it you old bird I wanted to say. But I was just in a bad mood at that point and I'll be happy for that $10 to use it for an under armor shirt for her. The school nurse just called. Amber's brace is rubbing her neck, the cami I put her in isn't working. We will be purchasing under armor at Dick's this afternoon. Yep. My poor little kitty poo.

Some friends are asking us about doing a benefit concert to help pay for kitty's treatments, the brace and the traction chair. We were against it when we were just looking at the initial $4300 for the brace but now that we are up to $14,000 for Feb alone, I'm thinking that concert option sounds good. I want Mike to put together a couple of baseball tournaments to raise money too. Since he is President of the local rec league he helps people do that all the time and rents out the field. Well, maybe it's our turn to put on our own tournament and raise some money for kitty. Baseball is huge around here and teams will always pay to be in tournaments if they are good ones. So that is another option. My mother in law called the United Way and that was a huge joke. Did you know that the United Way doesn't actually help anyone? The lady told me that they give all the money they receive minus their administrative costs which is probably around 35% to charities. The only thing they do for people when they call for help is advocate for them. In other words they will tell me who they work with and if any of those charities they give money too can help me then they will contact that charity and see if that charity can help me. What a joke? Why even give money to the United Way if they don't actually help anyone and they keep $3.50 of every $10 you give. So the charity receives $6.50 from your $10 donation and they have administrative costs of around 25 to 30% so by the time the United Way who doesn't help anybody takes their cut and everybody has paid their expenses your $10 donation is really $4. Yeah, just give straight to the charity you like. More people would get helped that way. They also told me they don't help anyone or work with any charities that help people with medical costs. Whatever. Also, I cannot be helped if I am current on my bills. She told me not to pay my rent or utilities and I might get some cash for being behind on my bills. And, that would be what's wrong with so much of America. If you aren't responsible you can get help. If you are responsible and do your best to do what you have to nobody will help you. If I was illegal this would be free I suppose? Or if kitty commited a crime and was in juvenile detention she'd get free care too. Weird. No thanks lady.

Amber and I talked about prayer last night on the way home and I told her to call on Jesus to be with her. She said she had been. It was a nice chat. I told her that her faith was important and to be honest with the Lord and Jesus. She said she would ask them to help and heal her. That's my girl. I'm just asking everyone to pray for a full recovery. She has already beaten the odds by getting a 10 degree correction when the doctor didn't' expect hardly anything.

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. Well, all I can do is go with my instincts and research as much as I can. This stinks. It could always be worse but I'm sick of saying that. Trying to stay positive today and not cry or fret. Talking to Jesus and the Lord a lot and being honest with them. What else can I do? Thank you for your prayers.

Jenn

Would You MInd Praying For Amber Please?

This is my sweet little Amber cat. Amber will get her Spinecor flexible scoliosis brace this Wednesday at 3:30. I would love it if you would say a prayer or two for little Amber cat. Compliance is key to the brace correcting her scoliosis and since Amber has curve greater than 30% and 40% is where they generally recommend doing surgery, well, this brace just HAS to work. Also, we have Jesus on our side and the Bible does say that the Lord hears the prayers of the righteous. Therefore, I would greatly value and treasure your prayers on her behalf for healing, a corrected spine, increased faith for the whole family during this process and whatever else may glorify the Lord through her scoliosis and healing process. I would love kitty to have a testimony of how the Lord healed her but that is up to Him.

I want to say that I will fight for kitty and as a momma that is natural I suppose. But more than anything I want Jesus at the forefront of this battle she faces. I can be Jesus's armor bearer if you like. I have been sitting kitty down with me every Monday night for Lysa TerKeurst's Made To Crave Webcasts at 8pm.
If you haven't been tuning in please do! This Monday is week 3 and they do rebroadcasts on Tuesdays several times a day. I have enjoyed doing this with Amber as we learn about Jesus, the Lord, food issues and nutrition. She has enjoyed it and requested several healthy items that Dr. Ski Chilton suggested from last Monday nights webcast. I myself purchased some Fiber One bars this week instead of the chocolate chip granola bars from Quaker that I usually do. I haven't tried it yet but Dr. Chilton says Fiber keeps you full so eat more fiber. Okay. I also purchased whole wheat spaghetti from Barilla and tried to keep that on the down low but the entire family caught me! I had me a George Lopez moment in the kitchen when I exclaimed "I can't do nothing!". We all got a laugh out of that and if you never watched George Lopez's sitcom that probably went way over your head :) BTW, nobody could taste a difference. So, I hope you can join in the webasts too. Also, last weeks webcast was a great catalyst in what I have been needing to hear. Lysa's pastor talked about the man with the mat who was at the pool and how Jesus told him to get up, pick up his mat and walk. He also asked him before that if he wanted to be healed. Now, we always have to look at why Jesus says what he says because Jesus knows the minds of the people he is talking to. There is a reason for every single word Jesus speaks when he is speaking to someone. So, what I gleaned from that is whilst I piddle around with my confusion and anger towards God and Jesus I must ask myself, do I want to be healed of this first? Answer, yes. Then what happens is Jesus tells the man to get up and do something in his natural first and his supernatural will be there. So first I must make the decision and commit truthfully be being healed and set free. Yes, even from a deep confusion with the Lord and Jesus. Then I must get up off my mat and walk. I must have the faith that Jesus will be there to meet me and show me what I am missing here. Where my belief systems didn't match His truth. I must just get up and do my natural so that I can meet up with his supernatural. I must always make the first move. Even in salvation we must initiate first contact. When we release our faith in the natural, Jesus is there with his supernatural. Sounds simple but you know, living out the word can be tricky.

So after last Monday and that truth setting in I was also contemplating this nugget from Beth Moore as I was studying in her Breaking Free workbook, "before the prophecy of physical captivity was fulfilled there was already evidence of an internal captivity." That hit me as truth I am living out right now. While I marinated in that I really believe God has had a word for me, a theme that keeps popping up if you will on Sunday and today even. Our Pastor dressed up like Bartimaeous, the blind beggar Jesus healed, (it was a hoot y'all) and he preached a great message that really spoke to me. He was preaching about releasing our faith in Jesus, not as Jesus the man who walked this earth but as Jesus, the son of the living God whose blood was shed for me and know that His anointing is all I need, His power and to call on that Jesus, not the Jesus of this earth that I can easily relate to and picture in my mind. It was interesting in the scripture that the people were saying that Jesus of Nazareth was coming and yet when Bart knows he is near he does not yell out of Jesus of Nazareth to have mercy on him. He yells out Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me. Bartimaeous was one of thousands around Jesus and I always supposed that Jesus called for good ole Bart to be brought over to him because of his loud yelling over and over for Jesus to have mercy on him even though he was told to shut up. But, Pastor had a great point, Bart was calling up Jesus as the messiah, he was calling upon Jesus as the son of God and his power to have mercy on him and don't you just know that moved the heart of Jesus, that got Jesus's attention. This man was saying loudly, Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me whilst every one else was identifying Jesus as a human, the son of a carpenter and viewed him from an earthly perspective. And, Bart was asked, what do you want? What do I want from Jesus? And, have I been just believing in Jesus and knowing that he can and is able without calling upon his anointing to do all that he is able to do? Hmmm, great sermon.

Today I listened to Creflo Dollar on the TV and his sermon was basically the same theme except it was about calling upon the blood of Jesus to be my answer to everything. Make it simple he said. Whatever my issue I need to pray by faith to Jesus to release the anointing and power of His blood over my situation and by faith believe that He is able to do all things. Whatever the issue, Jesus is the answer and to just pray for the anointing of Jesus to have all power and authority over it. He said many of us know all about the gospel, but rarely use it's power. It got me thinking.

Then I picked up Beth Moore's book "Praying God's Word" a birthday gift from a friend and I decided to study it a bit before I got to working for the hubs downstairs in the office. I went to the chapter on unbelief. I am not sure why I did that because I have never stopped believing in God or Jesus or their power, but I am just really confused why my life always sucks and there is ALWAYS something going horribly wrong, like Amber's new diagnosis of scoliosis for instance. Anyhoo, I'm just really confused why the good stuff in God's word doesn't ever seem to apply to my family and I put Him first and yada yada. But that's where I felt like I should go so I did. Well, Beth said something that really impacted me too and I'm glad I listen to my instincts or still small voice. This is what she said "I sensed the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart, "Beth, I want you to believe Me." I was apalled. "Lord, I answered, "Of course I believe in You. I've believed in You all my life." I felt He responded very clearly. Adamantly. "I didn't ask you to believe in Me. I asked you to believe Me." Shivers.......

So, honestly that just happened about an hour ago or so and I don't know quite yet what God wants for me to get in that. If you asked me at that moment I would tell you that I believed every single thing in the Bible and that when I asked for help and wisdom I knew without a shadow of a doubt that He was able and trusted with him with all of us completely. That wasn't an easy place to get to but I honestly feel like I was there. I could be wrong. Or, it could be that God is simply telling me now to believe Him. I know He is putting all this in front of me for a reason. One of the people I was listening to said to call upon His promises and believe and Jesus would have to show up. So, I was like , okay. I can do that. I can. I am going to call upon His promises once again and not just speak the words but fully release the blood over my family once again. I won't just believe in Him, I will believe Him. Beth then went on to say that God would much rather have our "Help me with my unbelief." statements like the father uttered to Jesus after he said he believed and then Jesus gave him the look and he restated what was really going on internally "Help me with my unbelief." That made me feel better. I already knew that God could handle my honesty and would prefer that to any kind of fake pious I am good with the Lord statements because that would have been a big fat lie. So, thank you Beth.

I am going to a Place of Praise Conference this Friday in Jasper. A pastor I really love and respect is giving it and it is about coming back to a place of Praise after not doing just that. Which, I have not been praising while I have been sulking about wanting to know what the whole point of serving is if I have to live a life of poo while I treat Him like a treasure. Okay, so I have a little attitude left, but it's not much and it's disappearing which may I say is wonderful. Once again, I treasure your prayers for kitty and would love for you to ask your churches to pray for her. She has a lot of back pain. My poor baby, she does not deserve this and she is definitely going to need her faith and her Jesus. Mama too.

Love y'all,

Jenn