Saturday, June 2, 2012

A Letter to Anonymous

I have been blogging since 2008 and it wasn't until my last post that I received my first negative comment. When I replied back to the cowardly "anonymous" I told them if they could see me they would see me sticking my tongue out at them. Almost immediately I remembered this picture Amber and I took while we were making fun of teenage girls who always post pictures on Facebook of themselves making weird faces and sticking their tongues out. Which, after taking this pic we felt lead to post it on Facebook. Yes, we are dorks and yes anonymous, this is for you. Tongue and cheek, (pun intended) of course, anonymous I wish you no ill will. I hope you come back and we become friends.

Isn't my little monkey (Braxton) so stinkin cute? My baby has graduated from Pre K! After doing this with 3 other kids you'd think I could do this without crying. Nope. Braxton got an award for being the happiest kid. YES!!!! I took that as a nice affirmation that I may just be a pretty good mom after all. I always thought I'd be happy when I'd have no more little ones to have to constantly care for, happy in the sense that I would have the freedom to do what I wanted like you know, take a bath or exercise when I wanted to. Not. I miss having sweet little babies crawling all over me giving me kisses and luvies as I call them. I could have more but I'm no fool, at 42 that wouldn't so smart. I've got 4, I just need to look forward to grand kids. Way forward, the oldest is 20 and she needs to get her degree in sociology first. Oh, and also get married, that'd be nice.

I came here to do a post but upon seeing anonymous's comment which I must say, really hurt my feelings, I felt compelled to ponder on it instead.
This is what it said:  "Anonymous said...
This is the most retarded story I have ever heard. You are all over the place. first you have a joyful and wonderful feeling because you went to the church and then you swap to Jesus healed my neck. What is that about. Look you want know what is really going on. you haven't had too much real success in life and your are feeling down about it. Look, you're not fooling anyone with the God is great blog. Stop trying to make yourself feel better with I am forgiven bandages. Live your life and learn from your mistakes. do the best you can and treat people the way you would like to be. Stop hating yourself for BS. This stuff does not convince anyone... be the real you."

I'm thinking this person must have come here only once because, I'm always all over the place and that fact shouldn't  surprise anyone who comes here regularly. Even today I am already "all over the place." yeah, that's how I roll. Get it, "how I roll", "all over the place." Eh, maybe that was funnier in my head. I laughed, that's all that matters.

Also, I don't think that story was retarded either. I didn't like the retarded comment, I'm just guessing but I think anonymous is a guy. Women would tend to know that you don't call someone retarded unless you are in middle school and don't know better. A young male in his twenties would call someone retarded. Or was it my story that was retarded, yes I believe it was. Anyway, I know kids who are challenged and I don't think the hand they've been dealt in life is deserving of becoming an insult but hey, I get it. "A" thinks my story was retarded, I wonder what seemed so retarded? I've been struggling hard since a church hurt and my mom's death to be joyful in church and it was like a miracle to me how joyful I felt as I walked into the church. Y'all know how sarcastic I am, to me it was an awesome and real experience. In the part about my neck healing I though it all tied in together. I went there looking for a very real encounter with God, didn't stay home because of my pain and I felt like God healed me as a nice little "just because I love you and thanks for coming" gift of sorts. I know it happened and stuff like that doesn't happen often to me, so I wrote about it. I wanted to remember it. I have a lot of stress, it felt so great to feel nothing but joy.

Let's skip over to the not fooling anyone with the God is great blog, the forgiven bandages, etc. I want to be clear, this blog is my diary. God moved me to do this, it frightens the poop out of me to put myself on the Internet and write about my problems, spiritual issues and all other embarrassing stuff I write about that 99% of the smart population just keeps in their head. But, God moved me to not filter and so I don't. When I write, I write off the top of my head. Nothing is planned. I rarely if ever edit. It's just me, my thoughts pouring out into letters on the Internet. I will say that I am not brave enough to share this blog with people I actually know. If I knew people I "really knew" read this, I'd totally filter it. Just sayin....... Ever since I found out that my husband reads my status updates on FB I haven't been nearly as funny. I'm "editing" myself because I don't want to look like a dummy to my husband. Which, I think is a good sign since I actually still care what he thinks about me after 15 years together, 14 married. That being said, I don't write this blog to convince anyone of anything.
Who am I to do that? Not my intention, if anything is helpful I'm very happy about that and I do share stuff that I find incredibly helpful to myself and others, I do that. I don't have anything in my past or present that I need to put an "I'm forgiven bandage" over. If you look up goody two shoes, yes, that's me. I don't feel rotten about myself for anything I've done. You got me wrong on that one "A". You did get me right on the hating yourself thing. I did a bible study last year and took a quiz and my answers said I hate myself. That shocked me but upon much self reflection I have decided that there is truth to that, which is a little confusing because I'm also funny and I crack myself up all the time. I like plenty of things about myself. I'm hard on myself I think. I was shocked to my core and actually got goosebumps when I read the hating myself part of the comment. I re read my story twice and I couldn't pick up anything about me hating myself from that story. Maybe "A" read some other posts? If "A" thought that my story was the most retarded thing they've ever read though why would they keep on reading? Maybe "A" thought to entertain their self with more retarded stories? Who knows. It scared me to see "A" picked up on that so quickly. WOW, hats off to you "A". I'd actually like to meet you in real life and see what other great revelations you may pick up from me. I wonder though if you are just a "Jesus hater" and you think my story was retarded because you think anyone who thinks Jesus or God did something for them is retarded? I wonder......

Also, if you knew me better "A" you would understand that I am HUGE on treating people the way we would want to be treated. I am HUGE on extending much grace and mercy to those around us. If you knew me in person you would think I was super friendly and the last person to judge anyone. You would know I would do anything for anyone who needed help and I am quick to fight for someone who needs it. I can't stand being around fake people. I can't stand it when someone says something and then some dork wants to try to correct them. Let it go dude I always say. I don't have to be right all the time. I know there is more than one way to get to a destination and my way is just that, my way and I don't think my way needs to be anyone else's way. I like listening more than talking but let's be clear, I am VERY opinionated and stubborn. I just recognize that my opinion is just that, my opinion and that does in no way mean that it is correct.

I don't get the success thing. I can assure you that I have had much success in my life. I've had monetary success, a beautiful home that retailed for over half a million dollars in a subdivision here in Atlanta, and I feel mostly successful and blessed by my family. My husband is awesome, he treats me so great that I feel certain I would never find another man who is as good to me as he is. That my friend, is a huge success. He's never said an unkind thing to me. He still loves me and has been faithful and awesome for 14 years of marriage. That is a great success. We still flirt with each other, he still makes me feel giddy when he is paying attention to me. That is a success that most people never find. My kids are fantastic although I must confess, LAZY little creatures. Seriously, they must be the laziest kids ever. They excel in all their standardized testing, they are smarter than I am. I spent 5 days trying to figure out how to get the Febreeze car air freshener to work (after throwing out the directions on the package) and I gave it to Amber (the 12 year old) and she figured it out in less than 10 seconds. My 5 year old is super smart and he will kick your butt on Call of Duty Modern Warfare on the X Box. Yes he will. My kids like us, we hug, we say "I love you" every day to each other. We spend time together, we play checkers, we talk, we wrestle a lot and I still play "The Claw" with all 3 of my kids 14, 12, 5 who live at home regularly. My right hand is "The Claw" and when he gets in trouble my left hand named "Samson", "The Claw's" evil twin comes into the game. Yes, we are a lively bunch and I consider my kids to be a success. Do you know what Brandon does? He is a vigilante for kids who are bullied. I think that's flippin awesome. He fights and stands up for kids who are picked on and has a bully brigade that he gets to stop bullying and puts an end to it. He has saved a lot of kids from being picked on. He puts bullies in their place and that my friend is a huge success in my opinion. My kids are nice. My kids like to do nice things for other people. Why? Because my husband and I teach them to be that way. We parent our kids. We love them and we don't have half the headaches other parents do. I consider that a huge success. I had a great childhood and my parents didn't damage me in any way, that is a huge success. I don't know many people who can say that. I've met Alice from the Brady bunch my friend, hey hey now, that was a pretty successful day! If you don't believe me I have a picture on my FB. Yes I do.......Ever since June of 2007 when the housing market fell we have not had a lot of success monetarily. Nope, no more six figure income. That for sure has sucked. But, my husband has built a very successful restoration and remodeling company that did almost $600,000 in business and is on track to do three quarters of a million or more this year. He is very successful because he didn't lay down and die when everyone in the country including himself was laid off. He built something wonderful. I help him in his business by running the office and the books and we employ 11 full time men. That's 11 men who wouldn't have jobs if he wasn't successful at what he does. Running a business is stressful as hell, especially in this economy. We get cheated and ripped off regularly, that's the game and we do it. We do it better every year. We didn't take a single unemployment check and we didn't lay down and die when hard times came. We are fighters and we are successful. I don't know why you think I'm not. Hard times? Sure, we all have them but at the end of the day I have a husband who wants to grow old with me and wants me to be his best friend. And, I must say he is really really good with his hands. Yes, I am very blessed and successful in all the ways that matter. Struggling a little now, yeah but this too shall pass. It hurt my feelings that someone would think I haven't had success in life. I've had much and I've given much. It's okay, most people like me. "A", if you knew me you'd probably like me too. This blog is my diary, it's the place I go to get out the stuff in my head that you don't talk to other people about. It's free therapy. It's my release. It's my inner most thoughts unedited and poured out. Which, is why I'm all over the place sometimes. I'm not trying to win a Pulitzer here. And I wouldn't want to, if I won the Pulitzer people would know about my blog that I have to actually see and talk to and I wouldn't want them to read this because of how vulnerable I am here and I wouldn't want to think I couldn't come here and vent when I'm pissed, write out my thoughts when I'm hurt and confused, and share my musings about family and things that get my brain going.......

That being said, I still wish "A" didn't think I wrote the most retarded thing they've ever read or heard. Do you have any idea how much stupid crap is out there and my last post was the "most retarded" thing they've ever heard? Holy geez, that's wild. Well, "A", I'm nothing if not memorable and I shall treasure holding the place of telling the most retarded story ever in your life. I hope you never read anything more retarded than what I write and die laughing in your bed thinking about that retarded story you read on Jenn's blog :)

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It Was A Miracle.

A miracle happened Wednesday night. An absolute miracle, for me at least. There was a special speaker from Africa that I had been looking forward to hearing that night. As I walked through the doors of the church an overwhelming sense of joy and light heartedness came over me. It was so sudden and honestly, it felt so very very good. Suddenly, I was really really joyful. Weird, I know. For me at least these last few years lol. But I was a smiling fool and I liked it. If what I felt last night was a taste of how happy and joyful we will be in Heaven, dude, I want to be there now. It was so great. I felt so great. I felt loved. I felt joy. I felt like spreading it around, so I did. A miracle I say.

Then something even more miraculous happened. When the music started up, I actually FELT like singing. I have had a hard time with praise and worship time since we left our last church in early November of 2010. It was so horrible the way they treated my husband and leaving meant leaving teaching ladies Bible study, leaving teaching the middle schoolers. I didn't want to leave that. I loved teaching so very very much and I loved all the positive feedback I was getting. I loved how connected I had become to the Holy Spirit due to all the time spent in prayer and preparation time for these studies. The studies were changing me too. They ministered to me in huge ways. Anyhoo, since we left and it was so traumatic for us I've had a hard time in all things spiritual and most especially in praise and worship time. Most especially because since my mom died in September I just haven't been able to sing. It was something I did next to my mom for years and that was always her favorite time at church. Singing......I just haven't been able to do it. I avoid it. I volunteer in the cafe Sunday mornings and I intentionally close it up late and refill all the supplies and drinks after I close it up at 11am so I don't have to go into the sanctuary until the singing is almost over. It's how I've coped with my grief. Well, for the first time in a long time, I wanted to sing. Not only did I want to do it but I bounced up and down as I sang. That hasn't happened since November of 2010. I bounced, clapped, and wanted to sing. I enjoyed it too. Strange happenings......

Then something really lovely happened. I'd been 7 days into a very painful neck muscle issue. I see a chiropractor for it occassionally but he tells me that I do it to myself because I stress out and tense up. We've been rubbing my neck and rubbing all kinds of smelly stuff on it for a week. It still hurt so very much and it has never hurt for more than 4 days and this time I was on day 7. As a matter of fact, we had Little Caesar's pizza for dinner because my neck was hurting so bad I couldn't bear the thought of standing up and cooking dinner. I knew if I was going to make it though the pain I was going to have to lay down and relax my neck as much as I could because it was the worst day of pain. I was thinking "How am I going to make it through church tonight? Maybe I shouldn't go." But then I thought, "No way, I'm going no matter how much pain I am in because this man is soooooo anointed and filled with the Holy Spirit. I'm not missing what is in store tonight." Well, by the end of the night I suddenly realized my neck didn't hurt anymore!!!!!! Suddenly I could turn my neck. I haven't even been able to turn my neck at all and I have full range of motion again. Somebody got healed, thank you Jesus!

Did I deserve it? No. I know that but I think Jesus is well aware of why I have been feeling the way I do and He is very much capable and does love me anyway. Thank goodness. I am always amazed at how easily we forget the power that can flow out of us when we are so Heavenly Spirit filled. You know how in my last post I talked about the woman of the issue with the blood having to actually go to find Jesus to be healed. The power to do all things flowed out from Jesus. All she had to do was touch him. I wondered why God didn't just see her suffering and heal her. I wondered why He didn't just do that instead of letting her suffer. Why did she have to go touch Jesus to get healed? Then oddly enough, I almost missed my opportunity by letting my pain issue keep me from church but instead I made a conscious decision to go find Jesus because I knew there was a powerful encounter awaiting me. This man has preached in my church before and it was POWERFUL, AMAZING, and oh wow. I knew he was sprit filled and I wasn't going to miss what was going to flow. I went looking for Jesus and his awesome power hit me in a great way. And, I got healed and filled full of joy. Love me some Jesus!!!!!!

I'm really happy that happened. I'm really happy God loves everyone and not just "special" people. I've been hurt so very badly and I'm greiving so much, I really needed a touch and he touched me.

Earlier that day I was asking God how happy was my mom? I wanted to know how happy she was. How was she feeling? What was she experiencing? Was she okay to be gone from us? Was she sad about it? What is she feeling God? I wonder if He did that to let me know some of the joy she was experiencing. Okay, now I'm crying again. I miss her. I am so sad she doesn't exist anymore. Death is strange. One moment someone is here and then they aren't there ever again. And, life just moves on without them. You can't stop time to adjust. It just keeps going, without the person you love. How do you go on without someone you love so deeply? How do you go on without someone who loved you like nobody else ever did? Or will? How do you go on without your best friend? How do you just go on? I don't know. I've been so severely traumatized by 2011 with the scoliosis diagnosis of Amber, Mike's dad's death and my mom's death. Never mind all the other stresses of life.

It was such a special gift from God. Lord, I thank you for what you did for me Wednesday night. Thank you very much for not giving up on me. Thank you.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Who is in Control?

I've been struggling since November of 2010 spiritually and I'm more than a little astonished that I'm still struggling in February 2012. Oh I still do all the right things, I still go to church, I still volunteer and do good deeds. I'm not struggling with all that, I'm struggling with how to reconcile what I see and experience in my own life and what is in the Bible. I'm struggling with the whole "how involved is God in our lives" thing and just what is "God's plan" anyway? I'm struggling with giving thanks and credit to God for everything when it just doesn't seem like He's really all that much involved. I'm struggling with where God fits in for me. It seems strange to be in this place since I'm the perpetual "goody two shoes Christian". How does a girl like me get to a place like this? I'm a doubter.

It helps to know that God is not a fair God. Poor Joseph, what did he ever do to be thrown in a pit, sold as a slave, thrown in jail and be in a place of misery just so God could use him to keep Israel going in a time of famine. What did he do, nothing, he just plain ole had it unfairly put to him for years and years. What did poor Job do? Everything right and look what he got for it? I'm sure you've read the book of Job. Not cool. What did John the Baptist do? Um, everything he was supposed to and he ended up in jail and beheaded. So, doing right does in no way guarantee us squat. That helps tremendously because that helped me overcome my feelings of being betrayed or thrown out like a piece of trash by God. God liked David, look at what David had to go through between being anointed and actually becoming King. I could go on, these stories give me great solace through these years of hardship because I know that many other perfectly good people who did right and loved God had to suffer unfairly. I wish there was a happy ending for all of them during their time on the earth but alas, no. That part doesn't give me solace, this means that my suffering could just go on forever. I'm not guaranteed any supernatural intervention.

That's the part where I'm left struggling. I'm not guaranteed any supernatural intervention. How does a Christian reconcile those words when everything we are taught tells us to be good, pray, follow the Golden Rule, love God, learn His word, apply it, accept there will be good times and bad and know that through it all God will be with me and work everything out for the good (good as in the good works and plan he has in store for our lives and that he can turn things around to lead to the good things He has in store.), to thank Him for everything, to lean on God, to let Him be my strength, basically we are taught that God is with us always, God is orchestrating everything always, God is in control, God is supernatural and can do ANYTHING so we are left feeling like if we do the "right things" that God is with us and will work things out for us. That God will hear our prayers and answer us and help us. We are the head and not the tail. We are left with teachings that tell us that even though we may not win every battle, we will win the war. We will come out on top eventually and that suffering has and end to it's season. Well, what about when that just doesn't happen? What happens when bad stuff just keeps coming and doesn't stop and no matter of praying seems to be of any benefit? What then? What about 5 years of bad stuff happening and no end in sight? What about that? What about when I got raped in 1995? What was the purpose of that? I've never helped anybody who was raped. I've never had any opportunity EVER to do anything good with that, what was the point of that experience? Nothing that I can tell. I can't imagine how God would orchestrate that. So, if God doesn't orchestrate rapes then He isn't orchestrating our lives. He either is or He isn't. Is He a part time orchestrator? How can you lean on Him and have total faith in Him for every aspect in our lives when He just doesn't seem that involved.

More and more I seem to see evidence that life is what we make it. What WE make it, not Him. That's hard to reconcile when we're taught to lean on His wisdom and strength. That's hard when we are taught to pray when we make decisions and look to the Holy Spirit for guidance and we do that and bad poody doo just keeps happening. I asked God last year in a little prayer I was having in the car just how much poo in my life and in all of our lives was of our own doing because of the decisions we've made that just lead us down the roads that led to trouble and just how angry are we at Him for "allowing" things to happen to us that were really of our own doing whether we knew it or not. He didn't answer me until the next morning. I sat down to do my bible study time and I had a little book marker ribbon marking my place. I opened my bible and although I was holding onto my ribbon as to open the Bible to my place it flipped open to Proverbs instead. It shouldn't have done that. I've been around the block enough with the Holy Spirit to know that when something happens that shouldn't it's usually for a reason. So, I decided to look and see what God had to say to me that morning. I had a number of things underlined on the pages before me and I started to read those scriptures. Then there was a thought in my mind that said "No, start from the beginning. You will know it when you read it." So, I said okay and started at verse one. It didn't take me long to know what the Holy Spirit wanted me to see. It was the answer to my question. Proverbs 19:3 People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the LORD, New Living Translation. New King James translation is The foolishness of a man twists his way, And his heart frets against the Lord. I LOL'd for awhile after I read that. God totally just had answered my question from the day before. It was a confirmation of sorts. God had a great plan for Saul but Saul ruined it and look what happened to him and his kids.

Sometimes I wonder what if God had a plan for some of us but we made a decision that took us down another road and so God just takes His hands off so to speak. What happens, happens after that point. God certainly took his hands off of Saul after He was done with him. Saul was totally on his own. God was with David but when David was bad, it was on like Donkey Kong. I wonder about that too, what if we are being naughty sometimes and God just says, "Let them have a go of it without my help for awhile and let them see what it's like without me." I think though that we forget that God can let stuff like that go for a very long time and that God is VERY patient and we are not so after a bit of suffering we just get mad and quit. I definitely wonder about that. I wonder why if God is so in control like we are taught that there just isn't some policy in Heaven that children cannot be harmed. I thought children are supposed to have angels with them anyway. There is a passage that says something about children having angels to guard them. Why are so many children abused and raped. I know my two year old didn't deserve to be molested by my babysitters stupid perverted pedophile husband. THAT'S FOR SURE. So, maybe it's not like we are taught it is. Maybe there just aren't any guarantees. Maybe it just is what it is. Maybe if I'm in a parking lot when robbers are there I get robbed and if I came by 15 minutes later then some otter schmuck got robbed instead of me.

I get really irritated that Christians have an answer for everything that make no sense. Like, if I was coming into the parking lot and saw police cars and asked about what was going on and found out that some poor lady just got robbed by where my car was. Then the answer is "praise God for protecting me from the robbers and keeping me out of harms way!" Um, but what about the other lady that just got robbed, does that mean that God doesn't like her? For instance I have a daughter with severe scoliosis, her curve is over 100 degrees. She is a total worst case scenario in less than a year of being diagnosed. We are looking at 2 very painful surgeries back to back and there are great risks involved. We have prayed and prayed, we have believed and believed more, we have been up to the alter, had her anointed with oil, prayed over by someone who is "gifted" in healing, and been up to the altar again and again. She only continues to worsen and so on. Yet, I have some other friends whose children were diagnosed with other things and then were suddenly not having those issues anymore. I get to listen to them praise and thank the Lord for healing their children. Oh, okay so why their kids and not mine? Is God in the healing business or not? I'm thinking an 11 year old can't have done anything too bad to derail God's plan for their lives so as to lead them to God pulling his favor off of them. So was the healing of their kids just the way it is naturally or did God heal them? Then I REALLY LOVE THIS ONE, people say to me when they keep seeing Amber worsen "WOW, God must really have a plan for her." That's what Christians say when God doesn't answer their prayers. "God must really have a plan in store." Oh great, maybe there is some schmo in Philadelphia where we have to fly to have her surgeries that isn't saved and the only way possible to save them is for my daughter to get a terrible disease that is very painful and has left her deformed. It will require over a hundred thousand dollars worth of surgeries that we don't have health insurance to pay for and she'll be doped up on morphine and be in tremendous pain and be turned into a piece of giant metal in her back will almost all new metal vertebrae and everything and my family will go half broke paying for all of this and we can take turns having nervous breakdowns going through this process just to this one dude in Philadelphia can get saved. Yeah, that's how Christians comfort themselves when nothing happens or things get worse. It's called denial. I'm actually trying to figure out how things really work. I think there are definitely no guarantees about anything except salvation. I'm guaranteed that, not much else. Life is what we make it. If we are waiting on God to come to the scene and rescue us from whatever we need rescuing from then we may just be disappointed if it's just not His inclination to do so.

I've lived 40 years believing God would always take care of me and fight for me. I've lived the last 2 thinking that I was wrong. I think He is always with me though His Holy Spirit. I just don't think that means I win whatever I'm up against. Which still leaves me wondering what then is God's role in our lives? Is there just some point where we reach a certain maturity that certain protections are no longer in play and we are just expected to stay on course and have faith no matter what? Look at where John was when he wrote the book of Revelations! The island of Patmos was not a good place to be and what did John ever do? Well, at least he was released from the island a sort of Gitmo place for prisoners. That's nice. You know, I wouldn't have liked to be that prophet who had to lay on his side and cook his food by the heat of cow poop. What the heck was that all about? I can't remember off the top of my head how long he had to lay there but wasn't it a year? How would you like God to tell you to lay on your side and not get up for a year and to cook your food by lighting poop on fire? That is one weird story. Weird things happen to good people. Bad things happen to good people. Why? Who is in control anyway? Is anyone in control? Why does God show up in power sometimes and sometimes not? Why why why, I tell myself to stop pondering it all but I ponder anyway.

I tell myself that this funk will end but it doesn't seem to do anything but get worse. I used to teach Bible study, why am I so full of questions? It seems that I always thought life was what God and I made it to be, now I'm struggling with the it's just all me thing. Why would God allow a new convert to be verbally attacked and wounded so traumatically that he never wants to return to church ever again? If He is so in control, why would that happen? I think He is absolutely capable of having total control. I just think he let's whatever we do happen. If some guy wants to break into my house tonight and shoot us all then that's what is going to happen. Of course, I seriously doubt anyone who broke into this house would do anything but get shot himself since we are a gun loving family and I have a number of firearms at my immediate disposal. I will put my red dot laser right between their eyes and fire away lol.

Either way I won't give up worshiping the Lord. I won't quit. I am resolved in my heart, mind and soul that I won't quit. I'd just like to know what the real story is. I'd like to know how to live if I have to make it or break it myself but the Bible tells me to give Him the thanks and glory for everything which would lead one to believe that He is INVOLVED in everything. When Jesus was resurrected he came back and asked Peter if he loved him. In Revelations when Jesus is speaking of the seven churches he says basically that it is most important that we love him and not forget that. So, I am resolved to love Him. I just want to know how to do life together with Him if He's not really there for me unless he just discretionarily decides to be. You know, many Christians were boiled in hot oil alive. John who wrote the book of Revelation is the only person recorded to have not been killed by the oil and survived it. I see how people can take a stand for the Lord and he doesn't come to rescue them but yet we aren't taught that. Our preachers and teachers love to trot out Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego being thrown into the fiery furnace and Jesus comes to the rescue and saves them so that not even their clothes smelled of fire. We are taught from a young age that it's all going to be okay if we have faith. Well guess what? That's just not true. Sometimes it's not okay and I wish I would have learned that sooner because it's really messed me up.

I wish I could have someone to talk to about this but people don't want to have discussions about stuff like that. They want to quote scriptures and shut me down. I've tried a couple of people I respect but they have no answers and don't really want to ponder it themselves. Sometimes we can be Kings and Queens of Denial. And, I think it stinks that I have these thoughts and can't have a discussion with anyone about them. You know, you never know what's going on with someone. On the outside most people would never know I have these thoughts. I'm not going to advertise it for goodness sake. I keep hoping it will just go away.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

What 2011 Had In Store For Me and Mine. Let's Catch Up.

I quit blogging almost a year ago. Since the blog was titled Blogging God and Me, and there pretty much wasn't a God and Me anymore, I stopped blogging. Life stunk and I was pretty peeved about it. I walked away from our "relationship" but I never quit going to church.

I read through the last few of my posts, the last one being May 4, 2011 and I laughed so hard when I read my post from Easter 2011. One of the last things I wrote was that I was looking forward to a great/good summer. Eh, it was one of the two. I'd bet money I was only reaching for good though.....great???? who would I be kidding ha ha. Let's see how that worked out for me.

1.When last we left off I had been having a menstrual period for six months. No, that was no typo, SIX FLIPPETY FLIPPIN MONTHS. And, to avoid any confusion I do mean EVERY SINGLE DAY for those six months. Well, I finally stopped bleeding and hemorrhaging at the end of May. I stopped bleeding altogether in early June. Since this ties in to the worlds longest period thanks to the evil Depo shot my evil doctor gave me for birth control. And, may I say what a wonderful 100% birth control method that shot was......what man in his right mind wants to pork his wife while she is bleeding like a stuck pig. Yes doctor, that was an excellent form of birth control, thank you so much for keeping me from getting pregnant. And having any sex......oh yes, back to what I was getting at.......if anyone remembers I lost 34 lbs in 2010. Yes, that lovely Depo shot made me gain 24 of them back. Thank you again evil doctor for not mentioning that Depo shots cause many women to bleed like Niagara Falls, go psycho, and gain around 30 lbs, you are the best. So thankfully I'm back to regular periods, I'm not psycho but still highly sarcastic in my writing style and thoughts but still sweet as pie outwardly....:) and I still have the 24 lbs. GRRRRR......I lost half a pound last week though, I'll take it.

2. Ah May, I'd like to say we're out of May but NO. May wasn't done with my family yet. The end of May brought horrible news for my daughter Amber's scoliosis. We found out that her scoliosis had not improved or stopped it's curvature like the $6,000 brace (paid in cash, we have no health insurance) and the $6.000 in physical therapy, and the $2,000 traction chair was supposed help do. No, after our end of May visit the chiropractor referred Amber out for surgery. I'd like to say since it's now Jan 2012 that Amber has had her surgery, or is even scheduled for surgery. But....NO. Her curve is increasing so rapidly that she is already at a 100 plus curve and the doctors around here don't think they can help her. After being shuffled around from doctor to doctor we are referred out to a Shriners Hospital for children in Philadelphia, PA. That happened in October, still can't get an appointment. Amber can't wear a bra anymore because she is curved so far over that the bra cuts right into her skin. Joy......She is in pain daily.....more joy......and we found out in July that she has a Chiari Malformation of the brain. This has been, yes you guessed it......WAY MORE JOY......because it's lots of fun to have the base of your brain being sucked into your spinal column blocking spinal fluid from entering your spinal cord which causes you to have scoliosis, headaches and dizziness and a few other things but those are the "only" symptoms Amber experiences. More about Amber's 2 surgeries later.....

3. Hello June, what did you have in store? Oh that's husband's dad died. It was so horrible. It was beyond horrible. They had just spent the last 2 years becoming so close and it all ended so unhappily. Cancer is not a pleasant way to die. I was so sad for my husband, to this day he still picks up the phone to call his dad. We had to take him off life support and he died surrounded by everyone who loved him. I do believe that when his soul rose up out of his body and he saw that we were all touching him and gathered around him that it must have made him happy to see such a sight. It has been difficult to help my husband, he doesn't like to talk about it. He just keeps it in, he was an emotional mess for a couple of months. He was really angry and lashing out but thankfully that didn't last long, now he just shoves it all in. It was a rough time, and the week of planning, paying for, and putting together the funeral was insanely miserable. June, I was glad to see you go.

4. July and August was filled with doctors appointments at Greenville, South Carolina Shriners Hospital and various financial difficulties.

5. September, I hated you the most. You sucked so bad I'd like to vote the month of September right off the calender. September 28, 2011 Heaven received one of the most beautiful souls to ever grace this planet. My mom, Karen Tomlinson died that day. It was bar none, the worst day of my entire life. She was my best friend from the time I was a baby until the day she died. No one was ever closer to me than my mom. I always wanted to be around her. I always wanted to talk to her. She was truly, one of the best people ever. My mom loved me more than anyone, she always asked me how my day was. Nobody ever asks me how my day was.....even though I always has everyone else how their day was....but mom always cared enough to ask. Her death was not peaceful. It was horrible and drawn out. Dad and I were at the hospital non stop for days and the first two she did nothing but scream in pain. As usual, I had to demand she be pumped with pain killers. "No doctor, I don't care that it will effect her breathing. Do you not year her yelling "Help, Help, Help, Help,Help, over and over? Give her something before I throw you out of the hospital window. Please and thank you." After that she came to a conscious state only one time. Of course it was the only flippety flippin time I was not at the hospital because I needed a physical and we didn't think mom was going to die so I went for my pap smear. Which, of course......I found out 2 weeks later came back as ABNORMAL. Of course it did.......I'll be re tested in March to see what the abnormality is, it had better not be cancer because I just can't deal with that. I have a 12 year old girl to get through 2 very painful surgeries and rehab. I don't need to be dying. We found out the day she died that her pain was from 2 herniated discs in her neck. Her body was flooded with carbon monoxide also, her lungs weren't working right anymore and her blood was being poisoned. Right after my pap smear my dad called me around 5pm to tell me the doctors had just finished telling him that she would never come off life support and would need a feeding tube and have to live in a nursing home. That was around 5pm and in that particular critical care ward they kick you out at 6pm. We decided to regroup in the morning at the hospital to discuss this turn of events. September 27, 2011 I was reading to my 4 year old (The Old Willis Place) and the phone rang. It was 9pm and I knew......I knew it was my dad and I didn't pick up the phone. I just let my husband answer it. I set the book down on the bed and waited for him to come up. I knew that nobody else would be calling that late and that the call could only mean one thing. It didn't take long for me to hear my husband coming up the stairs, I wanted him to stop but he just kept coming towards our room. Dammit. He said my dad had just gotten off the phone with Kennestone Hospital and mom crashed. Dad had to make a split second decision to let her go or put her on life support. My Aunt Gail, mom's sister was already on her way down and Dad said put her on life support so we can all say goodbye. The entire family drove over to mom and dad's apartment to be with my dad and then later went home. The hospital said we could not come up, we had to wait until morning. I was really distraught that I didn't know if my mom was alive or not. I mean, if she was already dead and they revived her was her soul put back in? Or, was she gone and God just let her soul stay with Him and let the body stay alive by the machines? I wanted to know where mom was and nobody knew. What really sent me over the edge was that when mom is in the hospital my dad never leaves her side. He sleeps in the room with her at all times except when she is in certain critical care units they won't let him. She's never alone though and she had to die alone that first night. I can't imagine how horrified she must have been to know dad never leaves her and she would have risen up to see nobody from her family there. That must have made her sad. The next day was horrendous. I didn't sleep of course and my eyes were so swollen from crying after hearing the news on the 27th that I couldn't even hardly see. That sucked too. She didn't die until 5:30 the next day in the afternoon. We all took turns breaking down and I'm 100% certain I had a nervous breakdown twice that day in her room. That must have really sucked for the other patients in critical care because I was sobbing and yelling very loudly. When I wasn't doing that dad was......thank goodness for my church family and for my Aunt Gail who were so wonderful.

I'm still devastated. I still cry every day. It will be 4 months Jan 28 2012.

6. Oct-Dec have just been filled with me and my husband trying to manage after both losing a parent 3 months apart from each other. Our business expanded and in Oct we moved into an office/warehouse. My husband is expanding even more as of Feb. Things business wise are looking promising but it's a lot of hard work and a challenging time because expanding things and starting a new business is not cheap so my cash flow is very limited while we do this. That's never fun but it's worth it of course. I believe in my husband, he is great.

7. Remember those 24 lbs I gained due to the shot? LOL, I'd like to say I have proof that stay at home wives are busy and DO WORK. Now that we have moved out of having an office in our home where I worked part time from home as well as taking care of the home and the 4 year old, I work in an office now 5 days a week. Guess what? Now that I'm not at home and "working" I gained 10 lbs since Oct 15 when we moved in there. Ha ha ha, I always told my husband I worked all day and now I have proof. Now that I'm sitting all day at my desk, I gain 10 lbs which just goes to show that when I was home I was moving all day. Ha, and take that to anyone who says SAHM's don't work. So I've gotten though the holidays now and have said enough is enough and I am back to working out every day again. I want my 34 lbs back off and I want to continue losing even more. It was hard work to get it off but I'll just have to do it again. It's all good as long as it comes off. I turned 42 in December. I hear that next year my birthday should be LOTS OF FUN since my birthday is December 21. As in December 21 2012, YES FOLKS, I am supposed to be getting the ultimate birthday party this know since it's the end of the world and all ha ha. If any of you know me this end of the world thing may take on a new seriousness because just the fact that it would be taking place on my birthday may imply the possibility of it happening. After all, I'm not exactly known for my good luck and if the end of the world should come on any one's birthday, it would most certainly be mine. Yes indeedy. Stock up on your rice and guns. I have several guns if you need any and the zombies are coming for you. But if you turn into a zombie and try coming for me I should warn you that I am an excellent shot.

I'm hopeful that nobody will die this year. I'm hopeful that I just had a freak abnormal pap smear and in April my results will come back normal. I've never had an abnormal pap smear before and I'm freaked out. Lots of my friends tell me they've had them come back abnormal before. That's mildly helpful, to the most mildly mild extent that one can be mildly helpful. The year before I had my first mammogram (boob smashing fest) and that came back as abnormal in my left breast and I had a freak out about that but when I went in for the second mammogram (boob smashing fest part II) it came back as fine. I guess the left one has some fibrous tissue and la la la la la I quit listening to what she said after the words "It's not cancer" and "fibrous tissue" came out of her mouth because I passed out from relief.

What number are we on? Do I really want to scroll up to see? Okay, I'll stop being lazy. I'm scrolling now.Ha!!! I was gong to guess 8 and I was RIGHT.

8. I was asked to volunteer in the cafe at my church in September. That's actually pretty funny since anybody who knows me in real life, or is Facebook friends with me (feel free to send me a friend request, I'm told I'm funny and I can amuse you with my witty status updates that aren't too frequent I promise, lol.).....where were we anyway, oh yeah, the cafe......I hate cooking. I hate being in the kitchen although I am addicted to the Food Network channel and the cafe at church is the last place on earth you'd expect to see me volunteering!! But you know what? I love it. Oh, yeah, let me also say that even though I hate cooking with all of my being I still do it. My kids and my husband do need to eat and I value them more than my hatred for cooking so I do still do it. I'm not that selfish....but as far as the cafe goes, I really enjoy it. Probably because as luck would have it I don't have to do any cooking. We bring in McDonald's and I make coffee and we have tons of other stuff to sell to happy hungry church goers but whoopty doo I don't have to cook any of it. I so enjoy being there and talking to people from 9:30 until church starts at 11:00 when service starts. One of the other benefits of my cafe volunteering is that during praise and worship time (singing) I stay in the cafe and refill the fridge/coke sales cases and clean up. I usu sally get done putting the money away and lock up during the last song. This is great for me because I just haven't dealt with my grief enough yet and my emotions are so raw that I just cannot participate in praise and worship. I just can't do it. I'll completely fall apart. I spent so many years right next to my mom in church praising the Lord together and she loved that part of service so much that I just can't do it yet. Not yet. So this time in the cafe is really good for me. It keeps me sane and I get to talk to so many people in the church, I've made friends through this opportunity God and the church as given me and I'm grateful for that. I'm pretty reserved around people I don't know and being the lady at the food window there is no being reserved and since I feel comfortable, I'm pretty chatty. True Life Church is so friendly anyways, they love to love on people. I love it there so much. Yes I do.

Well, I think that's enough for now. I think I want to start blogging again. I miss it. I miss the free therapy lol. I think it's time to journal again. I've gone though a lot spiritually and I want to journal that too. So, it's good to be back after almost a year.

My mom's obituary....Rest in peace mom....I love you so much!!!!!!

Love ya,


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

When God Doesn't Take What You Give Him

I had a really cool moment this week or two actually that gave me some insight as to why all things churchy are tough for me right now. You know, since I'm on some weird kind of sort of hiatus at church. First, I was trying to explain to my husband why I can't just "relax" and "let things roll off my back" like he keeps telling me to. I personally cannot even conceive how to do that so I said that is as difficult for me as it is for you to hear people say "just give it to God". Hubs hates it when people say that! Then he says to me "No, it's not the same thing. You can let things go but I can't give anything to God because He never takes it." Fashizzle, a light bulb went off. You know, Mike was right. In everything Mike has tried to give to God since I have known him the last 14 years God did not take those things and do anything with them. I felt really let down for him. I, for the first time, was able to completely understand why he does not understand why people say just give it to God. He had a major point, sometimes you give something to God and He doesn't take it. I wonder why that is? The first irritating answer to that is "well it's all in God's timing, not ours." When people say that I always want to say "Oh great, thanks for that super irritating answer. Can I slap you now or should I wait for God's timing to beat the shiz out of you?" (Chuckle chuckle, oh I slay me sometimes.)

Anyhoo, let's toss out the well he could be a wild sinning old dog part of the equation too. He is a super stand up guy with more integrity than anyone I've ever known. Fer sure. So, why doesn't God take what Mike tries to give him? I have no answer and I fully understand why Mike feels rejected by God. I know he asks for wisdom too and I also pray for wisdom for the hubs but honestly, we still have no clear direction ever. It's always a tough decision when we make them concerning our business and stuff. Where is the wisdom? I don't feel any wiser. I asked Mike if he felt wiser and the look he gave me sent me into a laughing fit. Oh it was a goodie. I took that as a no ha ha. I would think that no matter what state we are in spiritually or sinfully that if we asked for wisdom many times that God would want to give that to us. Right?

I don't know why God does what he does. I don't know why Jesus does what he does. I get really confused by Jesus because he seems like a really tough no nonsense kind of guy. He is no Dr. Feelgood and he is more than a little intimidating to me. I wonder sometimes if I ever encountered Jesus, would he be sweet to me like he was with some or would he tell me off. Because if you needed a telling off he told you off. You know, I look at the Mary/Martha story where Martha is all in a tizzy about all the work she has to do (aka most wives) and she is upset that Mary (aka most husbands) is taking time out to do what is best for herself. She even gets upset with Jesus for not noticing that Martha is doing all the work and not asking Mary to get up and help her. What does Jesus do? He tells her Mary is doing the right thing and He won't tell her to stop doing what is right. Most of us think that is the end of the story but it is soooooo not. That is what Jesus said to Martha leaving most to think that he left Martha to continue on unfairly in her labor all by her lonesome. He left Martha to figure it out. What he was really saying was, Martha you are working yourself to the point of aggravation. Stop, come and join us as your wise sister has done (aka wives stop working yourselves to the bone and join your husband in some relaxation and exercise like he does because he is doing the right thing by taking care of himself and you are doing the wrong thing by not taking care of yourself). The work will always be there but he will not. He gives what I always considered to be a harsh answer to an overworked Martha who really wanted nothing more than to serve Jesus and make his stay in her home a pleasant and comfortable one. She was doing so much she needed help. Jesus basically said the work should not come before time with Him. But he said it in such a way that he left it for her to figure out. I get really frustrated with this story because it does not tell us whether Martha figured out that the "chores" around the house weren't all that important and living life and loving Jesus was better to be first or did she continue on with all her cooking and cleaning by herself? If she did was she upset with Jesus? Did she ever realize that he was inviting her to join them in his Jesus way of speaking? I would love to know. The point of all that? I wonder so much sometimes if God and Jesus do try to take it but since Jesus likes to speak in a confusing manner- I just don't understand what they are saying to me! Do you know how horrible that would be? I wonder if Martha ever understood what Jesus was saying to her or did she just go on about her work thinking he was a jerk that day.

If I was a story like this in the Bible would people be able to see the point and figure out what God and Jesus are trying to do and say to me? Would they be shaking their heads and wondering why I can't understand what God and Jesus were saying to me? And I still wonder why Jesus didn't just say "Martha you work too much. You are a great hostess but I'd rather you just stop and spend time with me like everyone else in the house is, including Mary. Now get in here and sit with me." Sheesh Jesus, could you please speak so I can understand you? I'm just not that smart and I'd really like to understand you and God? Pretty please.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

IHOP with the other heathens on Easter.

We didn't go to church on Easter. We went to IHOP with the other heathens. There were many heathens at the IHOP chomping down on some yummy pancakes. I had made the decision to skip out on church for Easter mostly because I just didn't want to go. That decision was helped along by hearing that there would be no sermon on Sunday. None of us wanted anything other than a happy day and we didn't feel like watching people dance around on stage whilst pictures of Jesus all bloodied up danced around in the background screens. No thanks. Our life sucks enough, we wanted a day of happy things.

After breakfast we window shopped, had a nice time at a park and then went to see the movie Hop. I was excited to find out that at our local movie theatre all movies 7 days a week are $5 a ticket for movies starting between 4:00-5:30. What a steal! Also, on Tuesdays all drinks and small popcorn's are $1 a piece. Shazam, we can afford movies for 6 now. Hop was pretty funny. Amber split her pants at the park on the monkey bars and that was freakin hysterical. I for one didn't want to go to the park because it was hot and being in nature when it is hot makes my husband cranky and my kids kooky. So, there was a little drama as we were leaving the park because my kids pissed off my husband being loud and laughing. But, it was my fault because somewhere between getting in the truck and arriving at the movies it was decided that our dog Brownie would get a Facebook. We had a fun time listing Brownie's info we could put on her facebook. For instance, for music Brownie would have "I whip my tail back and forth. I whip my tail back and forth." That will not be at all funny if you have never heard Willow Smith's song "I whip my hair back and forth." Ahem. This hoo haa aggimatated the hubs and he got a little cranky poo along the way . Fortunately for us all we were there a tad early and he got to play some video games with big guns and shooting things always makes Mike happy. I think Mike would have made an excellent soldier in war time. A sniper perhaps? He does love to shoot things.

Anyhoo, I was most thrilled that I did not have to cook a single thing on Easter. KFC grilled chicken meal for dinner. Oh yeah. It was the first year I didn't go to church for Easter or cook a big Easter dinner. I also did not do Easter baskets. We did not dye Easter eggs. I bought a bag of 42 plastic eggs and stuffed them with coins and Hershey kisses. We had two hunts in the living room. One for the youngest two and one for the oldest two. The first hunt was sweet. The second hunt looked more like a boxing tournament than an egg hunt. The couch leg was wounded in the battle and there was much egg stealing out of the older two's baskets when the other was not looking. Jesus would have been so proud :) All in all it was a great day. Lexie said she was glad we did not go to church because she always thinks of Easter as being happy and she said most of the time at church Easter service seems sad and it makes her cry. I know what she means.

I didn't go to bible study this past Tuesday either. I wasn't going to go the week before either but I decided at the last minute to go. It was on the favor of God. I should not have gone. Basically it was bullshit that if you are a good little girl and do everything the bible tells you then the favor of God will be upon you and you will have more than enough health, finances, happy relationships, ministry opportunities, growth in all areas of your life and an all around great ta da life. Bullshaz bullshaz bullshaz. Um, first of all the disciples were totally doing what they were supposed to and their lives post Jesus were tough as all get out. John the Baptist did everything he was supposed to, was put on this earth by God himself to prepare the way for Jesus and look at his life. Living in the desert, eating bugs, jailed and beheaded. Look at missionaries in China, doing God's will and they are tortured and imprisoned for years and some for life. I know of one beaten with a sledge hammer and left in a heap broken bones and all. No one ever picked him up once. He just had to heal the way he was able to scoop himself up. Hmmm, no definitely not a good class for me to go to. I have been a good little girl my whole life and my life is crappy poop doo. Everyone says I am cursed, so in my "this is all bullshit" state of mind that was so not the class for me to have attended. I left there feeling like dog poop and completely unworthy. I was like boy I must really be pathetic if she is right and my life is always so sucky, it must be because I am a disobedient piece of crap. Which I know I am not and I have the worn out bibles to prove it. So, being a good little girl does not guarantee crappy doo and I wish people would quit teaching that. Does that mean we shouldn't be good? No. It doesn't but being a good little rule follower does not in any way guarantee you wisdom, steady finances, health, and good relationships.

I'm not sure how to take the hiatus that I am wanting to take. Now that I have been back at my old church it feels stupid to leave again. Especially since they miss me when I am not there as evidenced by my facebook wall and message inbox. We missed you Jenn, oh boy do I feel bad. I am so confused anymore. I was thinking about what my life will look like now. I made up my mind that if God wants me, if Jesus wants me then they need to throw a little positivity my way. I do not need crappy circumstances to make me turn to them. I was already turned to them and secure. It's just this constant onslaught that has me now saying enough is enough. I am done with this abusive relationship. I don't need anybody to torture me to make me better. I don't want to quit God either. What does that look like? I was thinking of volunteering my time at a teen shelter that is not affiliated with a church here locally. I don't want to just become a lukewarm fence sitter. That is just not me, I'm not sure what to do. I do know that all things church just aggravate the poo out of me lately though which is crazy considering how much I have always loved going to church and loved volunteering. I have concluded that I am seriously jacked up and there is no helping me until some positive stuff starts happening and the bad stops and then maybe I can fix myself. I would now consider myself traumatized. So, whatever, I just want to hang out here at the house and not at church and work on remembering what happiness looks like and enjoying life and my family again. Church just wants money and I don't have it to give and I leave there feeling depressed. That's not good for me right now. I think it's a good decision but of course nobody at church would understand that but I'm doing it anyway. Hoping for a happy summer.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

So Harry Potter and Twilight are bad but the "MAGIC" kingdom is good? I'm A Little Confused Here.

Once again I was told not to see these movies because magic/vampires are demonic. Oh, so if magic is demonic why are Christians vacationing at the MAGIC kingdom? Seriously. I see Christians complaining on Facebook about these movies, ranting in little groups and blogs because they say they are demonic. Magic is demonic. All magic I ask? Yes, all magic they say. Well, then why do you take your kids to Disney I ask. You know, the MAGIC kingdom. Silence. That is the part where I laugh like a wild hyena in my mind. So the hubs, the kids and I took a quick inventory of movies nobody seems to have a problem with and we had the best time laughing our butts off at the complete hypocrisy and lack of thinking about what people actually say and believe. So, let's take a lookey shall we? The stance.....magic is demonic and Christians should not take part in this via horoscopes, movies and activities. Gotcha. All I always ask? Yes, all they always say. Okay dude, you got it. The Magic Kingdom (a place I personally have no problem with but I don't tell people not to go do and see things either ), um, the word MAGIC is in the title of the establishment. Do I really need to say more? But let's do. The main character of Disney's Magic Kingdom is Cinderella. Her beautiful castle proudly displayed at the entrance. Didn't she escape a horrible life and have all her dreams come true by a "fairy" godmother who used "magic"? Yes or no. Moral of Cinderella is also that you can become Wickan and use magic and fairies to have all your wishes come true. Ah, what a nice movie. Nothing like Harry Potter where magic is used for good to battle evil and good triumphs over evil. Wait, in Cinderella wasn't magic used for good to battle the evil stepmother and sisters and because of the magic good triumphed over evil? Yes or no. But, Cinderella is okay and Harry Potter is not? The Wizard of Oz: Let's see, witches using magic. There is even a witch who is "good" and uses her magic for "good". Does this tell children magic can be good? Then most of the movie Dorothy and her friends are just trying to get to a "wizard" so he can do "magic" and fix all of their problems. Hmmmm, another epic battle of good vs. evil and magic is used or is hoped to be used to fix all the wrongs and make everything okay. I've been told Pokemon is bad because of unnatural "monster type" creatures and those are demonic because they use magic too. Yeah, I think The Wizard of Oz is full of unnatural creatures. But hey, it's okay that that movie promotes wizards, witches and magic right? I mean, it's cute. We don't mind that..... Beauty and The Beast: magical spell cast on the hot guy making him a beast right off the bat. Oh my magic being used for evil purposes in the first minute of the movie? Surely we as Christians should not watch this? Yikes, she says with sarcasm. Magical mirror, castle full of people who had a magic spell cast on them to make them castle objects that talk. Because of the spell and a kiss the beast magically turns into hot dude again. Ah, when magic is used this sweetly certainly it is not demonic? Right? I mean, Harry Potter will make my kids want to become devil worshipers and start learning magic but all the sweet cute movies won't. Okay..... The Little Mermaid: Where should I start....mythical mermaids are now real. Um, isn't the little mermaids daddy a mythical God of the sea? WHAT? A children's movie promoting mythical creatures and the main character is the daughter of a false sea god? No way, Christians would never let their kids see a movie like that? Then an evil octopus uses magic to enslave underwater creatures and trick the little mermaid. I do believe magic is used all over this movie and promotes false gods. WOW. But, that's okay and we can put our little girls in little mermaid jammies and because they are so sweet and the movie is sweet it can't be wrong. Oh no. That magic is happy magic. Peter Pan: Oh my. Let's see.....the "fairy" Tinkerbell who comes from a "fairy" kingdom. Isn't that Wicken? Aren't fairies of false religions? Oh but she's so sweet, she can't be demonic. Then the "fairy" Tinkerbell uses her "magical" fairy dust to help kids fly. Oh, and you can use magic to go to a "magic" place to stay young forever and do what you want and not have to listen to your parents. WHAT? Surely we would not want to promote that behavior to our kids? Magic, not listening to our parents? Sneaking out of the house at night with magic fairies and magical people who fly into your room at night. That would surely be demonic. Are we getting the point yet? I mean, can we not have a little common sense here? I want to quickly mention "Bewitched". A favorite that all of us 40 plus people watched and loved. And none of us were moved to start devil worshiping and learn magic spells. And, yet some of us waltz around judging people for going to and taking our kids to see movies they feel are unhealthy and unchristian because of magic or demonic creatures. All magic is from the devil. Okay so if you are going to go around saying that then you really should think about what you are really saying. And, you may want to go throw out all of your "magic" filled movies in your DVD collection. You can never go to Disney's "MAGIC" kingdom ever again either. Sometimes I just want to say relax people and think about what you are saying. You are not helping anyone by showing yourself to be ignorant and judgemental. I really believe that what we see and where we go must be individualized and just like Paul wrote, everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Each person must decide if something will be harmful to them and their kids personally and not make those decisions for others. Because, as we can see, magic is packaged up all nice and sweetly in some movies and we all love those movies, ahem cough SNOW WHITE, and we don't have problems with those movies but then one comes out that we decide we don't like and that movie becomes evil all of a sudden. But wait, I thought all magic was satanic and demonic? Yeah, I just wish that people would really think about what they believe and realistically live out before they try to tell someone what they should not see or do. Because there's a whole lot of people that discount most of what they say because of stuff just like this. I've seen 4 people get onto others on Facebook for using the Horoscope app because the bible says to stay away from that stuff. But magic is also included in that and all four of these people I know for a fact go to the "MAGIC" kingdom every year. Yep, a quick 30 second read for fun looking at your horoscope is completely demonic and you should be publicly lashed on Facebook for publishing being a Christian that uses the horoscope app but for them to take their kids on a trip exposing them to all things "MAGIC" for days at a time is completely harmless. Yeah, plank in your own eye. plank in your own eye. Don't tell me not to watch Eclipse or Breaking Dawn 'cause I can't hear you. The plank sticking out of your eye is blocking the sound coming from your mouth. This was a highly sarcastic post and I apologize for that. I am a little moody today and every day lately. I want people to leave me alone about this and I wish they would very much think about what they are saying before they say it and analyze if they actually even really believe what they are saying. I'd love to know what anyone thinks about what I wrote and the whole magic/ vampire thing. Is it all bad and should be avoided or not? Can we get too carried away with this and there is room for a little imagination here? But, I feel truly that you can't condemn one movie for magic and promote and accept another movie filled with magic because of our personal preferences.