Friday, October 31, 2008

A Reed Blolwing In The WInd

One of my best qualities has always been that I am a very open & truthful person. Another is my steadiness, I rarely in my past waiver or have been easy to sway. For some reason people around me look to me for strength & answers. They know they can always count on me. If you ever know of anyone you can count on it is me. How could I have gotten to this place where I am like a reed swaying in the wind. Tossed back & forth by the waves. This keeps coming up now & I know God is displeased with my wavering attitude. I don't think it is my faith that is wavering, my faith is so strong really that it just messes up my attitude that I always expect something new & wonderful to begin to happen for this season to end & when it doesn't or it just gets worse.... my attitude stinks. In my defense, it is really really hard to be me. I haven't had a lot of breaks in the last 16 years of my life. Which is about half.

I am trying. Yesterday I felt great, then this morning I have really struggled. I really really need people to come in today & buy stuff. I barely paid the power bill before they shut me off. Surely that was by the grace of God. I am praying very hard today that God will make a way of great sales so I can catch up on bills. This is so stressful I cannot bear it any further. I just don't understand why I can't sell anything. Everyone tells me the store is beautiful. I had a lady come in here from the salon 2 doors down to tell me that a bunch of ladies in the salon were talking about my shop & saying how beautiful it was. Yesterday my marketing lady stopped in mid conversation with me to say " I feel like shopping". She said she just kept seeing things she wanted as she was talking to me & the smells in the store were making her feel like she wanted to grab things. But she didn't. She knows my hubby well, she knows she's hired & she is very successful & drives a Beamer, she doesn't need me so I know she wasn't buttering me up. I just had a rich lady in here, she hasn't bought anything from me in 9 months or so.... she tells me the ladies in the neighborhood bring up the shop sometimes & she said they all say good things about it. But she only bought 3 pine cone candles for $1.49 ea. She was saying how beautiful everything was... but she spent $5. I'm like.... is everyone lying to me? Or what the heck is hindering people from buying? It's so hard to worry about personal finances & the store ones too. I owe out a lot of money, but the gift stores around me ( there are 2 ) are all thriving. They are all seeing increases & I can see it in their parking lots but mine is decreasing & I may have to close. I don't understand why. This has always been a dream of mine, is it wrong to pray for God to give me my heart's desire? To bless the shop?

I shall have to buck up as much as it is hard & try my best not to waiver. To not blow in the wind. To not have an attitude of the day. Negative Nelly my hubby calls me. How can he stay so positive? At least his business is picking back up again, he pays the bills thank heaven.

When I realized how wavering I am now, how unsteady I am it was really shameful. How low to be brought. So today as all the other stores around me seem to be busy, the parking lot has cars coming in steady but only 4 people have come in & 2 have bought for a grand total of $18 so far today I shall try to smile & remain positive. I got the message & I shall try to steady myself more. When will it all be over?

As I was typing that, the zipper on my pants just broke. Thank heaven I have a long sweater to wrap around me or I would have to close & go home to change. You see, that's the crap I'm talking about.... life just keeps kicking me when I'm down. I only have one pair of pants & these are them. Great. But I guess I'll wear my broken pants with a smile. Oh, and in case anybody is wondering.... I still have that rose thorn stuck in my big toe. Shessh, can a girl get a blessing or what?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Big News

This quote was on one of my favorite blogs to visit today. Notes From The Soul is a blog that I visit every day even if I'm not blogging because it is always a blessing.

So Church on Sunday was really wonderful. It was the most comforting service I have ever been to. I hadn't been to church in about 3 weeks because of my meltdown in the parking lot & my tiredness & frustration of praying & praying & no answer was coming. For about a year and a half now. That's a long time.

Almost as soon as I got to Church I started to cry. Don't know why, except maybe frustration. But then my friends started crying too as they comforted me. These are friends that don't know much about my problems, they are acquaintance friends. I don't really speak about our financial hardships, I speak that we're hurting but I don't advertise it & whine like I do here in the blog. Sooo, they cried too. Which was comforting because I knew they cared. Then a designer friend/customer saw me & she came up to me already crying. She had also called my home twice that morning, she said she woke up in the middle of the night thinking about me. I had confided in her Saturday evening that I had anger feelings towards God & I was fighting them. So she has all these grand plans to help me for free in my store. She wants to surround me & help the way God has gifted her. It was really so strange to be surrounded by wonderful women who were godly & genuine. Then other people were crying too. Then as one of the men was making an announcement at the podium he started to cry. He apologized & said he didn't know where his next paycheck was coming from. He was so stressed & hurting he just started to cry & couldn't stop. Then the pastor asked if anybody had anything they wanted to say to God. They did. WOW!! A church full of people hurt by this crisis & they all had the guts to share it & show it. Why do we always feel like we have to say we are okay when sometimes we're not? We all comforted each other. Pastor called everyone down to the altar to pray. Everything about that service reeked of God. The comfort level of just being surrounded by comfort & love was incredible!! The pastor let everyone in the congregation who wanted to say things again at the end of the service. Then my designer friend stood up & told the whole church that she had to make a shameless plug for a friend. She said that there is a wonderful little gift shop just down the road & named my store & my center. She told everyone that even though Christmas was going to be small for us all, we would all still be buying & that there would be at least one item that each person in that Church could buy so she told them all to go down to my store & help a fellow Christian Church member out. I am new to the Church. I cried again. The whole service was just geared towards those of us effected by layoffs, etc. I have never seem so many grown adults cry when it wasn't a funeral!!!!!!!!!!! You know, it felt wonderful because I didn't feel alone anymore.
Then I was watching a Christian channel last night. A guy by the name of Wommack was on & he was preaching about prayer & how our answered prayers can be hindered. I have never heard of this before. He was saying that if our answered prayer involves God involving another person, then God can answer our prayer, speak to that person, but then a evil spirit can hinder your blessing by causing that person not to do what God has directed them to or by confusing them. He gave a few examples of a guy who needed to sell his home. He prayed for God to sell his house, put it up for say By Owner & bought another home. Two years later the house was still for sale & he was getting in deep financial trouble from paying two mortgages. He was getting really anxious and getting a little angry with God for not answering his prayer ( sound like anybody?) he was a good Christian guy after all... So he just kept continually praying for God to sell his house for 2 years. Then in a sermon he heard about hindered prayers & that evil spirits can effect the person God is using to give you your answered prayer. He said the guy prayed in tongues ( I don't know how to do that ) & he said he didn't know what he was saying but he knew the Holy Spirit was interceding for him & taking the power & authority from God to rebuke that evil spirit hindering him from selling his house. Two days later a guy called him & said he had the cash to buy his house. Two days later they went to closing.....At closing when they were signing the papers the man told him that the very day 2 years ago when the house was put up for sale he told his wife that they were buying the house. He had to sell his house first & the guy who wanted to buy his house had to sell his etc. He said nothing just ever seemed to work out until 2 days ago. He said 2 days ago the closing on his home finally went through & he called up immediately to buy the 2 year old home. Then the guy selling remembered that it had only been two days earlier that he prayed in tongues to rebuke the evil spirit that may have been hindering his answered prayer. He said first, though that he had prayed to God to forgive him for ever doubting.

Wow. That's huge. What if God is sending down answers to my prayers & they are being hindered? Does that really happen? Does that also mean if you can't pray in tongues you can't rebuke the evil spirit? I am confused but the lesson was really fantastic. I am going to study this for awhile until I have an answer.

The store was still in moving around mode when I took these. It's more tweaked out now. Especially since my designer friend from Church has spent two days with me. She is the sweetest lady!! I like my new layout & so far my sales have been increasing. I am still playing with it. The rugs are hidden under the wagon still!!! At least I'm selling stuff. So I actually turned on my OPEN sign today & have beaten yesterday's sales already thank goodness. What a doo doo I am sometimes.

Well, I am off to pay bills & hang Christmas ornaments the size of my head from the ceiling. If you don't hear from me again there will have been a terrible ladder accident. OOOOOHHHH!! I forgot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My super di dooper big news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was on 104.7 The Fish this morning for their Battle of the Sexes contest. It was recorded but will air in a couple of weeks. It was a blast but I'm not telling who won until it airs. That was so so so much fun & they let me plug the store!! Yee haw!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Poor Old Job

Job 8:11-13

Can papyrus grow tall where there is no marsh? Can reeds thrive without water?
While still growing and uncut, they wither more quickly than grass.
Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless.

SO PERISHES THE HOPE OF THE GODLESS. Remember what I was saying about hope?

Job 9:14 & 15

"How then can I dispute with him? How can I find words to argue with him?
Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy.

Job 9:27-35

If I say, 'I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and smile,'
I still dread all my sufferings, for I know you will not hold me innocent.
Since I am already found guilty, why should I struggle in vain?
Even if I washed myself with soap and my hands with washing soda,
you would plunge me into a slime pit so that even my clothes would detest me.
"He is not a man like me that I might answer him, that we might confront each other in court.
If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both,
someone to remove God's rod from me, so that his terror would frighten me no more.
Then I would speak up without fear of him, but as it now stands with me, I cannot.


I find myself being punished more severly now. Everything is going wrong. Especially at the store. The downturn & I mean hard downturn came Saturday. My store only did a paltry sad amount. Never heard of. A lemonade stand probably did more business. Then came Sunday. Ah, yes Sunday. My grandest day of rebellion against God, for which I was ashamed but could not stop myself.

As I had to leave the church parking lot (long story, see previous posts) not 10 seconds after I pulled into it & had my little breakdown. Then as I got to the driveway I had a meltdown. I think I am due. So I declared to the household that I was giving up on being good. What has it ever gotton me but misery I declared. Maybe I will be evil now I said. Knowing of course that I could not be evil but I couldn't stop myself. I was furious. I can't even get to freakin church without a drive through Hell. So I ranted & ranted with tears streaming down my face. I declared my stance that I would not go back to church. I was tired of living in misery. I was tired of being left out of everything & being made fun of .... for what. God seems to not even hear me anymore. I was tired of begging Him for mercy & Him not answering.

Well.... if I though sales were bad before..... I didn't know nuttin. Is this my punishment? I am even having a buy one get one half off sale for pete's sake. Signs all over the front of the store. One person bought 2 things for a total of $9. Only one other person even came in. Are you kidding me? I sold nothing yesterday & this is the worst week of traffic I have had EVER. Buy One Get One Half Off... I should be busy. Way busy.

I have felt guilty for my rant aloud to God. I have felt guilty I did not go back to church Sunday, I didn't go Wednesday either. What the hell am I doing? I am a lost little sheep. So I guess I have to be punished some more now. I guess I deserve it. But I know people who rant or don't live for Him at all, they're okay. I feel like I'm always being punished.

I like the part of Job where he wished he could talk to God. He was so miserable, I can hardly read that book it is so painful. I can't even begin to imagine his losses & his physical pain. His torment.... what had he done? Nothing. What have I done... nothing. God did not answer his cries. He doesn't answer me either. What is a girl to do?

The weird thing is that I know God is real. I really really do. But something inside me keeps saying that He isn't real. That he couldn't be real... it keeps showing me all the conflicting verses of the Bible. Ones that promise things if you do things... but then shows contradictions. Especially the one where God says He will have mercy on whom He chooses. I am fighting that off & don't know where it is coming from. I know Satan & his fallen angels are real too but I shudder to think I have one on my tail whispering in my ear. EWWWWW... gross. Go away. I wouldn't EVEN want to know what it looks like. Yuck.

Back to the verses. The first one. Such is the destiny of those who forget God. So perishes the hope of the godless. I can't believe how this keeps coming back to me. Remember what I was saying about Fear. Fear being defined by the absense of Hope. Am I supposed to keep my hope? Duh. I know the correct answer. This is probably so easy & I can't focus enough to get it. Duh. Is God talking to me or not? Man... why can't he just email me or speak clearly? Hope Hope Hope. I didn't realize until last night that I keep saying "There's no hope" & "I can't live anymore". I didn't realize it but I say these things a lot. My life is pretty miserable. Yada yada. I have mentioned the baby who whines constantly right? Oh & now he likes to pour glasses over onto the floor if he can & he absolutley loves & lives to drink from his sippy cup & then spew out the juice ALL OVER US!!! ALL over my furniture & my windows. Fun. Hope just keeps coming up. How long can one hope & hope only to be disappointed every day that it doesn't come. Or a small mercy comes but now one big enough to take it away. Frustrated!

I said something to a good Christian friend today... about being stressed that my candidate may not win. Her reply was not to worry about anything. God is in control & none of this surprises Him. It was so simple. But it kind of tick me off too. I hate that canned answer. So okay... I shouldn't worry about anything. I can just lose my store, be sued, not worry about hubby getting enough work & lose my house, file bankruptcy & not worry at all because God is not surprised by it. Only a person with no problems could say that without laughing. Which of course she has none to speak of. Well off, doesn't have to work, kids are older, doting hubby, etc. Oh how I wish I could be that free to trust that way again.

I don't know what made me come back today. No clue. Stupid blog.

I just had the third person for the day come in. I close in an hour. Thank heavens she bought something. A giraffe stapler & tape dispenser. A grand day of less than $25. Isn't punishment fun? Is this punishment? People must be blind to the store. How can they not see Buy One Get One Half off.... then when I told the lady who just left about the sale she said she didn't see the posters. I also have 10 8x10 signs all throughout the store at eye level saying buy one get one... Then when she got to the register & I mentioned that I was taking half off one of the items, she's all like oh yeah I forgot you said that. Okay.... how does a woman not recal buy one get one....? She must be... they all must be blinded to it.