Wednesday, December 31, 2008

My Mom

Mom on Christmas morning. She has been doing so poorly since she got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago. She is on a rapid train ride to death's door. Which really infuriates me because my mom has spent the majority of her life trying to make other people's lives better. My mom has spent more money taking care of people's needs and not only that.... but buying them things to pamper them just to make them feel special on top of it all. She has loved, taken in children, mentored & done more than most of us put together. If anyone is deserving of not having to suffer, it is my mom. So I am highly irritated that she is having to suffer. She has been suffering badly now for at least 5 years & it has just steadily gotten worse. Her doctor says she can't believe mom is even still alive. I feel guilty she is suffering though. Can I share why?

In 1994 my mom had a heart attack caused by a negligent doctor. In the ambulance she died but was brought back by paramedics. During her "death" she remembers lifting out of her body & watching the paramedics work on her. She said she felt great out of her body, no more pain & she felt wonderful & peaceful. She said eventually she was drawn up, like a pulling in her belly towards what she assumes was space but she was surrounded by lots of other people who radiated white light. She couldn't really see them but she could see their light & she just knew it was others ascending to Heaven. She said it was very very dark except for the others. She said there was the great light at the end of the darkness like you hear about and she wanted to go to it. She said when she was almost there she saw an image of me in her mind & she could see me smiling. At that time I was a single parent struggling to make it. She said she knew then that she could not die, she had to help take care of me. My mom is my best friend. So she tried turning around to go back to earth. She fought and fought, she struggled to turn back. At some point in the struggle she was communicating with I'm guessing God? She told whomever that she could not die, to please let her go back. She had to take care of me. She said she would return when I was happy & settled but please let her go back. A telepathic conversation ensues with mom pleading to let her return to take care of me. It is agreed that she can come back. She rapidly returns to her body. Which she let us know was a horrible experience coming back into her heavy & unhealthy pain filled body. So ever since the heart attack her life has been a real struggle. Mostly the last five years have been filled with pain, surgeries & trauma. She is never ever comfortable. I can't take watching it anymore because it's all because of me.

I just don't understand how this can happen to her. She could have stayed happy as can be in Heaven & she chose to come back & take care of her daughter. How selfless is that? Why should she have to suffer? I don't want my children's memory of their mimi being a tired & sick old lady who smelled of Vicks Vapo Rub. She can't hardly breath and the vaporizer is going 24/7 & she leans over the couch & sticks her head right in the steam. The smell of it makes me gag, it smells like death to me now. She can't do the stairs anymore so we have to go down there to visit. Their house is not child proofed so I can't be down there with Braxy for longer than five minutes or he will have something deadly in his hands. Needles, medication, knives, pins, they love to leave these things lying all over the place. So it's hard for me to go down to her, plus, all she does anymore is sleep. Is that the kidney's? Why is she sleeping constantly? She sleeps like 8 or 9 hours is awake for 2 and sleeps for 8 or 9 again. I can't stand for her to be down there all alone with no one to talk to. I try to go down but my Dad keeps coming out when I do and I am not acknowledging his existence still ( I know, shame on me!) and I'm having a hard time with that. I think he can't wait for her to die so he can run around with some tall brunette whore with big boobs. He always seems to have one around, if that's his type why did he marry a short, blond non whore? Anyway, my prayer for mom is to just please take her quickly or heal her. But please, Lord, no more suffering. So much of her life was spent taking care of others..... please honor that in her death. I hate it that at the end, there is strife between us. She has never been catty or snide, never one to make hurtful comments. Why now is my mom saying things to drive a wedge between us? Old age? Probably. I don't get angry with her much, I try not to. She would just die inside if she realized what she is saying sometimes. I think she needs to go to the doctor so I will bring it up today & she will be too weak to know what I am saying. My dad will get angry and not want to do it because it means leaving his computer which he sits in front of 20 hours a day. Yes, he needs it during the stock market to work but he can use wi fi at the hospital. He also doesn't want to spend the money for all the bills, which I can say, I fully understand. But, in light of beastly human suffering, dude, mom needs to go back in. My mom likes humor so I keep telling her I'm gonna drive her up to Oregon because it's legal to euthanize humans there. She laughs about it. So when she goes, I will flip out. I want them to go ahead and pick out the casket & stuff. No way can I handle that. I think my mom is looking forward to dying in a way, she is very practical about it. Of course I don't want her to go pick out the casket & stuff, but I did try to get my parents to do it about 4 years ago. I think pre planned funerals are one of the most kind things a person can do. What a horrible trip to make, going to pick out a casket & talk money while your mom is laying dead in the other room. Yuk.

Look at the poor thing. She can barely keep her eyes open at this point, she was trying hard. Right after presents she slept for hours. My mom is kinda funny though, you can never count her out. She may just come back and surprise us!! This time though, I think maybe not.

My mom, the coolest person you could ever know!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing can change that though.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Laundry & Resolutions

The holidays are over & the laundry calls. My little kitty cat can always be counted on to keep me company during my lengthy stays in said laundry room. I am anal about my laundry room. Are you? I have three baskets under my hanging bar. One for darks, one for lights & one for towels/blankets. All of the children's laundry baskets are on wheels & we have a ranch home so no excuses. They are to wheel full baskets to the fun opps laundry room & separate their clothes in the baskets. My husband still does not understand anything past taking off his clothes & throwing them on the floor, or my personal favorite.... the stop & drop right in front of the shower. Are you laughing? or is my husband the only guy who plops his undies right in front of the shower door. Socks too.
Braxy likes to sit on the dryer & help throw in laundry. I have to hurry when he helps me though or he gets bored & tries to climb into the washer. See the tip of his little blond head? I also have an order the clothes have to hang in. To the extreme left are clothes that air dry or need to be ironed. Then Lexi's clothes, then Braxtons, then Ambers, then Brandons, then mine then Mikes & then any jackets or sweaters. If anybody violates this order (mom!!) I must immediately put everything back into harmony/it's proper order & ask/interrogate the family to see who could have committed such a heinous crime. I have no other real anal tendencies other than laundry related issues. I have other biggie. I have decided that my 11 year old son can only have white hangers. I cannot stand to hang his clothes on anything other than white hangers. Brandon is very orderly & does not do well with chaos so at some point I decided he needed all white hangers in his closet. I will run around changing out other people's shirts for colored hangers before I will hang his stuff if I have to. I am kooky. The laundry is the only thing I have control over so that is why I am anal about it I think. You know, like an anorexic with food, it's the only thing they can control so they do. I'm like.... this is what I choose to be a control freak over? Okay, so at least our clothes are clean & orderly. Laundry MUST NEVER leave the laundry room to be hung or folded. It leaves ready for drawers or closets. A must. Kooky kooky.
I have had a great few days. I have napped like the world was coming to an end. I napped again yesterday!! Who am I?
I am at work today & I have not had a single customer walk in here today & it's 2:47. I did have an Internet order waiting for me from Miami though. Thank you Miami lady. She bought 2 of those large picture frames I am always showing. So I'm not crying in my spilt milk but even with that order I will have done less than half of what I did on this date last year. I am down about 20% over last December. Where is everybody? I am thankful to Miami lady though & to God for blessing me with that sale. In a couple of days the party store moves out. In a couple of months the other store next to me. I just found out that in March the Subway in my center is closing up too. When the party store & the other store closes up next to me over half of the shopping center will be empty. When the subway closes in March.... One whole leg of the U shaped center will be completely empty. How can I survive in an empty shopping center? Only God can save me now. The store is great, it's the center & the economy that's killing me. God has been wonderful to me so far, I just have to know that He is walking this with me & He will take me down the road I must go. I am praying for His strength & His grace to carry me. I just can't be scared anymore, it's too hard. For some kooky reason while I thought it would be harder to just trust in the Lord it has been easier. I just say, it's up to God & start my day. I started in the word today before I left as it has been harder for me to do it in the store anymore. I have been so inspired by Ocean Mommy over at to spend more time in the word at home alone where I can reflect more on what I am reading. I want so many things to improve about myself & also our life circumstances but I know that I cannot do any of that without staying in the Word. It is always so hard to make the time, why is that? The word of God is my living water, why is it that when my physical body thirsts I go and get a drink but when my soul thirsts I have a hard time finding a moment to open the book & drink? It frustrates me. I want to be a good daughter to my King, I don't want Him to forget me, why would I forget Him? I am frustrated with my inability to do the things that I want. Either time constraints because I am here at the store until late or I have to get Braxy from daycare & then start dinner & baths & homework help & quality time with children. Workout too? Ugh. I have no time!! Take a shower and blow dry? When!! In my ideal life I have no outside of the home job. I wake up from a great sleep, get the kids up & have my coffee. Spend time reflecting in God's word, be able to afford really good Bible studies that I hear other ladies on blogs talk about & learn. Pray for as long as I want. Volunteer at my Church for whatever God leads me to do. And most importantly, I really really want to be a useful vessel that God can use. I want Him to look down on me and say that I have been a good daughter. I am right where he wants me to be. I want to help lead people to God, I want I want. I don't know what His plan is for me but I do know that if I don't make more time for myself in His word, I can't make it to that next step. I am ready to move forward. There is a song on a CD I have from Jentzen Franklin's choir called I'm Not Going Back. As I look upon this year I can't go back. I'm moving ahead, the past is over. (That's also all from the song.) My choir sang that song before I changed Churches. It was a great song and it is so powerful. I don't want to die and say "God, I really did want to live for you but I just couldn't find the time." You know, I have done lots and sang & helped out in the Church office. I'm not a slacker or anything but I keep thinking what have I done to win souls? I am a scardy cat to approach people or just bring it up out of the blue. I have been feeling more and more that I need to be out there doing relational soul winning. What have I done to lessen the amount of souls going down to the pit? Will I be able to look down from Heaven one day & see a soul that I knew but didn't bring up their salvation for fear of upsetting them? How will I feel then? Hell is forever, anger is momentary. I know God doesn't need me to do as he needs on here. But he does use us & I want him to use me. I must stay in His word more & keep Him in my mind more. I must be quiet in my soul so I can hear him when He calls.
Every year I do a resolution. This year my resolution was to kiss my husband more. I feel like I have accomplished that. Not as much as I would like but, I can say proudly that I kiss my husband more. This year it will be a spiritual resolution. I guess I will post it here on Wed or Thurs. Maybe Fri. I am closed on Thursday & I blog from work. Anybody else do a resolution?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Christmas Fun

This was the best moment of gift giving. Mike bought Lexi a car. We wrapped the key chain in a box that she is holding. She unwrapped it & rushed outside. She is just seeing it. That was a great moment. She can't believe it!!

Once Braxton saw this little tractor he was done. It's still in the box & he just got on & started scooting it around the house. What a hoot he was. He was screaming & laughing.

Here is Amber completely entrenched in the splendor of unwrapping her presents.

Brandon & Amber have scattered boxes & paper everywhere! He is quite happy with his loot.

I just saw this picture about 5 minutes. It is such a hoot I had to put it in. I just unwrapped a gift from my hubby. A 3 and a half hour trip to the day spa for a facial, Swedish massage, a pedicure & a manicure. I have always always wanted to go to a spa. Mercy me, can you tell how excited I was?

So Christmas was completely wonderful. My husband has forgiven my Dad & they have made up. I unfortunately have NOT. Is my husband smoking crack? I'm not talking to my dad, I want him long gone. Will be prayerfully working that one out..... But the last two days have been great. We kept hubby busy, he didn't have any time to worry about his side of the family. We all ate & napped & played ourselves crazy. I have never napped so much in my life as the last two days. The baby too. It has been glorious. My husband, Brandon and I had a wonderful time playing the Wii Guitar Hero band game. Brandon was on the drums, Mike played the guitar & I had vocals. It was a total BLAST!!! We couldn't stop playing it!!!!!! Ah, good times.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sick kids, dumb broads and birthdays

Isn't he cute?

It's like 4:30am & I'm up. I put my sick Braxy to sleep around 10pm but I woke up at 1am with a sick feeling in my stomach, I felt that horrible feeling in my stomach that you feel right after someone has just told you something devastating & your body starts to go into shock. You know & you get the little tingles so I am figuring that it's my nerves & I'm having a mini panic attack. How can you have a panic attack in your sleep? So I checked on Braxy & he was burning up. Put him in the tub. Hubby was still up watching TV..... his nerves keep him up. Guess we're not as spiritual as we thought but I'm not gonna kick myself, we've been through Hell, we're entitled to freak a little. So we both give Braxy a bath, get him back into bed. I'm still up. Hubby's snoring in the bedroom. I had a fun moment with Braxton though because he is never still & lets me hold him for more than a second. He woke up crying about 15 minutes ago & he was covered in sweat. Took of his pants, left him only in a diaper. He was hurting I could tell so I laid him in the bed and rubbed his head. He would never let me do that if he felt good. I looked over at him and he had the biggest smile ever on his face. Man, that head rub sure must have felt good. So I rubbed his back & his head & he is back to sleep. In my spot in the bed. Stinker.

Work today was tough. Rained all day, I was expecting to do at least what we did last Saturday, hoping for more. We did half of what we did last Saturday. What the fluff? The other gift store was packed my hubby said. They are gift only, no home decor stuff. I have home decor and gift. They are bigger than me & I don't expect to do what they do but I should have been busy. I was bored. I did $300 for the day. So sad. I trust God, I still have faith, I didn't freak out about it but I sure was like...... God, what are you doing to me? You have definitely been moving in my life in many ways, especially the store. So what is this all about? It's hard to be so up and down. I never know from one day to the next how much we will do. The ladies across the street are not nice, I am always nice to my customers. I went to another gift store to get something I don't carry but my son wanted for his sister. Not too far away & it was beautiful inside but the two ladies were kinda pushy. Especially one of them, I told them I had the store about 5 minutes away but I was there for the one thing and she is trying to sell me a bunch of stuff. Pushy, I'm thinking, how are they busy and I'm not. It was really irritating & my son said to me as we were leaving that they were pushy. They had shoppers, cars going in and out. Ho hum. I'm not going to go where my mind wants to go. The whole is God going to help me or not thing..... if he's for me why doesn't he fill up my store too & help me catch up on rent. Landlord already said I have to be caught up by the end of the year. I need thousands more. $300 on the Saturday before Christmas ain't payin no rent. But, I haven't let myself really think through all that. I'm doin my best to keep my joy. I have had a taste of it again & I liked it. Nice to smile again. I just want it to be over, caught up on bills & finish out my lease. This is too much stress for me, I'd get out but I'd have to pay all of my lease for 2 and a half years still. I am just telling myself that I know God is with me, He sees. A small part of me says, doesn't He see what this is doing to me? Please help me. A rich lady came in today to collect some money, I sell some of her stuff. She does some cute stuff as a hobby...... She lives in an exclusive neighborhood down the road. She kills me, she's all concerned for me because the entire shopping center parking lot is practically empty & we have a major grocery store in this center. She is asking if I'm going to make it or not, she was genuinely concerned I could tell. So she walks the whole store twice and points out tons of stuff she loves and oohs and ahhs. She could drop a load in there and it probably wouldn't dent the checkbook. She didn't buy a thing and I'm like..... what the heck? I thought it was pretty insensitive of her to ask about my store's financial welfare and express concern and say she loves so much in the store and wants all these things all the while we both know she's loaded and then not even buy anything to actually "support" the store. Why did you even ask? I wanted to take all of her signs and throw them at her as she walked out the door and yell dumb broad. Was that mean of me? Frickin ask, tell me you want a bizillion things leave with nothing and drive your outrageous expensive car back to your palace. Dumb broad, that's like going to a funeral & asking the family how they're doing, listen to them say how hard it is for them right now and them proceed to tell the family how great your life is. You know, as much as I could enjoy dissing men sometimes, a man would never do that. A man would have bought something or he never would have asked to begin with. A man would never ask if he suspected you were hurting for business if he had no intentions of doing anything about it if your answer was yes, you are hurting. Men have little codes of conduct like that, women sometimes are just little nosy witches.

It's five am now..... I'm nowhere close to sleeping. Today is my birthday too. I should be saying tomorrow because I should be sleeping and then waking up and it would be today but since I'm up and it's after midnight, well, it's today. I'm 39 today. I have a goal to be thin again by 40. I really don't want to still weigh this much in a year. We'll see how much the family lets me get to the gym. Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do for my b day. I have no clue. I don't want to spend money. I hate going out to eat on my birthday because it's four days before Christmas so all the restaurants are packed and we have a titanic sized family so we wait for like an hour. With a baby????? Not fun. They all want to go out to eat. I have my out this year because Braxy is sick and you can't make a sick fevered 2 year old go out to dinner. YES!! Which means cooking. Is hubby going to cook?? I'm not cooking. I know they didn't buy me anything. At least my hubby. I accidentally saw an email 2 days ago on this home computer that was from my mom to hubby and it said "Do you have time to print the pictures for the box? Jennifer's birthday is Sunday. So I guess my mom has put together some kind of box with photos??? I was sad when I saw it. I hope they don't have any pictures of me, I hate every picture of me. I hate my chin. It's hard to spend your life thin and then be fat and see yourself. I've been fat for nine years now. Since I had Amber. Hate it. If my family would let me I would be at the gym every day. I tried it about a year and a half ago. I was adamant about it, I didn't ask.... I just went. But I suffered for it and it just wasn't worth the arguing or the agony of trying to get someone to watch Braxy. They keep asking what I want..... I want to stay in my jammies all day, watch romantic comedies all day in my bed and have take out for every meal. I want a Starbucks cafe mocha on the hour every hour with a rich decadent chocolate dessert somewhere in the mix. And for birthday cake??? A gorgeous strawberry cake.... you know the layer of yellow cake then strawberries in the strawberry gel with the whipped cream then more cake on top with more strawberries and whipped cream topping with chocolate drizzles and the filling that they use in the Boston cream pastries? I can't remember what that cake is called. But it's twenty something dollars at Publix. And I want some great coffee in the am and with my cake. As I typed this I just remembered that I am out of my Cremora Sugar Free Hazelnut creamer so now I am highly agitated that I cannot have ANY coffee. MY two cups of coffee are a necessity, I CAN"T not have that coffee, especially after being up ALL NIGHT LONG.... Fligger floggen!!!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

King Tut Exhibit in Atlanta

Haute Couture comes to Atlanta!! Just kidding, you wish you had one of these bad boys don'tcha?

King Tut's stuff is here, in the ATL. I didn't get to go but my parents took my kids. They loved it, everyone had a great time. If you are anywhere close to being able to get here, you definitely should.
Do you see my teen dying from embarrassment? LOVED IT!! We were at a Japanese steakhouse to celebrate my parents 41st anniversary when my mom pulled this out from their trip earlier in the day. Lexie had friends from the high school at the next table so we all decided to embarrass her & wear King Tut's cool hat & take pictures. I know, I know, we're great parents, stop with the compliments.

My hubby & Amber. Braxton is like.... what the heck?
I though y'all might like a good laugh today. I also want to say what a big dummy I am. I was struggling yesterday, I admited it. I was trying not to but I had me some crazy nerves yesterday. God showed up SCHZAAM!! What a day in sales we had, I left my daughter to work the store so I could go home & catch up on cleaning & she kept calling me with updates as the total for the day got higher & higher. We haven't done that much in one day in like a year. We all kept praising God & thanking him. My 9 year old was standing in the kitchen with arms outstretched thanking God. It was beautiful to watch the kiddies praise Jesus, praise God. I was really excited too because I need to mail some more rent money. My sales have been poopy since summer & the biz is still new so what I did yesterday may seem like a normal day to most gift stores but for me it was a treasure. Thank you so much God. I told you yesterday morning & on the way home that I trusted you. That has been a long road travelled, but one worth going down. I trust you God. I don't want to be scared anymore.
Can I share a snipet of what I read today? It was a blessing to me.
Psalms 84 Study this Passage
How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young-- a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. "Selah"
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob. "Selah"
Look upon our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one.
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.
Do you see what is at the bottom??????? DO YOU???? Blessed is the man who trusts in you. Oh, mercy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Y'all, don't tell me that wasn't God. I do my Bible in a year online at I didn't read the last two days, shame on me. So I read today & this is what awaited me. I had my huge moment with God when I finally got to the place where I could say I trusted him. It wasn't even something I meant to say or premeditated about, it just came out as I was talking to Him. And now this passage? I have read this many times before but I never realized just exactly what the difference was between trusting & believing & faith. There are differences, now I can see that. All are important, but I never really really had that full trust before & look what God showed me. One day in His Courts is also one of my favorite songs to sing!!!!!!!!! I have also been picturing myself bowed down at the throne of God when I have been praying lately so this passage is everything to me. WOW, it's all I can say today.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Y'all Wanna See Some of My House?

A partial front view. My house is kinda wide.

Good day sisters in blog land. A wonderful treat this morning, I was up in the middle of the night (some of you may know this because if you had a new post I probably commented on it at 3am) and my husband was so sweet this morning. He let me sleep in ( I went into a deep sleep around 5:30) and I awoke to the phone ringing. It was him telling me he had gotten Braxton up for daycare, sent the girls off to school I was alone with the exception of the homeschooling 11 year old. ME?? ALONE?? WWOOOHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! So I got me some coffee & started looking at some pics on the puter. Look what I found? These are about a year and a half old, we were going to sell our home & build a bigger one before the housing bubble burst. Anyway, after my freakish Christmas tour yesterday I thought you might like to see more respectable parts of where I live. Have fun!!

There's the rest of it!! I love my ranch house. No stairs for me.

This is our pool. We have a big slope, no underground pools for us. Who cares though, you can swim just easily no matter where the water is located. Plus, it's way cheaper.
This is the adult side of the deck. It is winterized still in this picture. Normally my children have floats everywhere & we have an umbrella over the table. Do you like my brown muddy lake? We live on a narrow lake but it is spring fed so it's usually kind of greenish water but when it rains it's really muddy brown. A nice developer down the road is being sued by the EPA for this run off.

I don't even have this furniture anymore. But this is my living room, this is at the front door.

A side view of the living room. I know my bookcases are crying out for help. If the Nester would just drive over here I could fix that. The fireplace is a two way fireplace & my bedroom is on the other side of the fireplace. My husband & I weren't thinking about our children when we put a two way fireplace from the living room to our bedroom if you get my drift. Nothing a fireplace screen can't cover!!

This is the ceiling in my bedroom. Hubby took these pictures. It was rainy by the way so it may be a little dark in some pics. The first time I laid down to sleep in our home I looked up at this and just laughed like crazy. I felt like a princess.

This is my bathtub. It is ridiculous, I know. It's for my husband. He is very tall & a big guy even when he is skinny. He said he wanted a tub he could fit in when he is sore. So there it is, now I just dust it once a month. I use the kids tubs. It's a Jacuzzi tub though!! Great for romance. The bathroom is practically all white. A demand of his, he likes white. So let him have his white.

This is a partial view of the kitchen. I have an open kitchen into the sunroom/secondary living room. Me likey. So the kitchen is about 16feet long. I have a bar that is raised up above the counter top that is curved at the ends & it is 14 feet long. So perfect when we have parties. LOVE IT!! We put in granite tiles, much cheaper than blocks of granite.
This is the foyer. It opens up on the left to the formal dining room, it has some columns to divide it off. If is now of course hubby's office but soon to be the dining room once again. He is moving down to the basement. Is he tired of us? Or maybe it's the 2 year old pounding on his computer & unwittingly changing the settings???
This was Lexi's room but now it is Brandon's & soon to be Braxtons too. Hubby built these bookshelves. She's out of the purple stage now. Before you can think it.... the computer is NOT hooked up to the Internet.
A view of our basement ceiling. My parents domain. Want a coffered ceiling on the cheap? Is your hubby handy? You can do this too!! Normally coffered ceilings are expensive & only in the "richies" houses. Just go to home depot or lowes & buy you some MDF. Cut the MDF on your hubby's table saw into strips as wide as you think will look good for your ceiling. Then just nail them up in layers. Yes, layers of mdf nail gunned into your ceiling. Then take some nice trim wood for doorways & such & nail it into the sides, shoe mold on the edges around the actual ceiling & the first layer of mdf & paint that baby!! A coffered ceiling on the cheap.

This is right down from the house. Farkin developer, all of our water is brown when it rains. Georgia clay you know....
Well, I hope you have enjoyed the tour. Only a partial I know. I really need to spruce up those bookcases in the living room. What I really need is to be able to afford a decorator, or the Nester but she's in NC & I'm in GA and I don't think she's drivin over here. Oh, well. I was thinking of painting the backs of them an accent color. Someday.....
Have a wonderful day!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Grand Christmas Tour of My Home

Thank you to Kimba over at A Soft Place To Land for having a party today. Check out her blog for some great Open House fun.
How do you like my tree? I never did get the lights in the middle working. Know what my mom did? She put another set of lights in the middle but after we put the ornaments on they stopped working too, along with the other dead set of lights still on the tree. Oh well, it still is lit so that's okay right? Now, the garland I let my 2 middle children do. They really really wanted to do it. They didn't do too bad, normally we have more garland & it's straighter but I think they did a good job. So this is our grand tree. Yippee, it's up finally at least. I think it's beautiful.

A beautiful Angel ornament one of my suppliers sent me as a thank you for buying from them. I love it, I opened it this morning.

I know what you're thinking...... Jennifer, let's see the rest of this gorgeous Christmas Decor Galore!!!!!!!!! Okay, I don't want to torture from seeing my beautiful Christmas gala.

See how tricky I am? The first picture I cut off the bottom of the tree. Ha, tricked you!!!!!

Braxton has found much fun pulling the lights off the tree and all of the ornaments he can pull off too. Like my ladder? I'm wondering how long we will leave it there.... humm.... Do you like how all of my presents are scattered abroad. Bet you thought that was some great creative Christmas genius right? nope, just the 2 year old playing with the presents & making piles. He's unstoppable!!!

Okay, I need an intervention. Help me please. My tubs are sitting in the middle of my living room STILL. And they are full of stuff!!! At least I managed to get my mantle somewhat Christmased up. Does it count as Christmas decor if the stuff in the boxes falling out is Christmas stuff?

Braxton didn't want the hallway to feel left out on the whole Walkerpolozza Christmas Extravaganza so he decided to unwrap some presents & sprinkle wrapping paper on the floor. My boy is so thoughtful? Thinking out of the box he is, decorating the floor like that for us. Sweetie.

These are everywhere too!!!! Braxton is so clever to pull off ornaments from the tree and leave them all over our floor. Now even the floor is full of holiday cheer!!

Now I know what you're thinking? How can I ever achieve this great Holiday look. Well, because all of you are such great bloggy friends. Just leave me a comment & I will bring Braxton over to your home & you too can have this great look in your home. Hey, I'm not selfish. I want every one's home to look THIS GOOD.

But first I have to be able to get out the front door. Oh, Braxton.

Merry Christmas!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Booger Heads

Every morning Braxton gets out of his crib, gets a diaper change & then goes in to Big Brother's room to wake him up. A cute site. Braxton will throw off all the blankets & pillows as Brandon struggles to keep at least one blankie. Then they watch Disney until I make them get up. Oh the joys of the mornings....
I am feeling so blessed & honored right now. I am so honored that God has helped my family. I must confess that I am a little scared that it will all end. But, I think that is probably normal so I am not beating myself up too much about that. Oh, what if it all continues? What then? Happiness maybe? The ability to relax my hunched uptight shoulders & neck? That sounds so wonderful!!!!!! I am so dumbfounded by the volume of Internet orders that have come in for the month of December. Yes, I know it's Christmas. But it's all new for me as my online store is only a few months old & it's not very savvy. I was broke when I created it & it's actually helping me catch up!! YES!!
I spent some quiet time this morning reading in 1st Corinthians as I have been busy in the store & it has been hard to do my daily reading at work. I don't ever want to become too busy to stay immersed in God again. Lord, I need him too much to do that. But somehow it is always easy to forget about God when we don't need him so much isn't it. Especially the voice that tells us to stop & pray for someone we haven't thought of for so long or seen. When we feel prompted to call someone but don't. I don't want to become deaf to God using me. She sh, I am just riding high right now..... I sure hope that's okay. How glorious it is to rise up out of this valley I have been in.
F.Y.I.... I got my hair done last night & DANG.... I'm looking good today!!!!!!!! Even though my dumb husband didn't make a comment about it. DORK.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Busy Girl

Whew!! I cannot believe it has been several days since I have been here. I am so busy at the store I have no time. Can you believe I just said that?
So it is really busy & I still can hardly believe it. Internet orders are streaming in..... by the grace of God I am certain. Customers are pouring in...... also by the grace of God. I am so grateful. I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to God, to the people that come in here & buy from me. I love my little shop so much. This shop is ME, all of me is in it. While there are lots more decorating touches I would love to have in here I will just have to add them one touch at a time. How thrilling it is to watch & see God move in my life & my family's. I mean, this is really HUGE to me. How does He do what He does? How can He pay such attention to each one of us? I am still giddy, sometimes I just start laughing when I think about it. It is so awesome. The other thing I am thrilled about is that hubby is employing 5 guys. That's five families who did not have provision & now do because of God's blessing. I have always prayed for God to bless him to be a blessing to others & He has!! WOW!! I just can't get over it..... what could be more wonderful than God paying such close attention to you?

I have been thinking hard about what was the turning point for us.... what happened to suddenly out of the blink of an eye make everything just start jumping for us. It was like everything went poopy to beautiful in an instant. I am going to go back in time in the blog to see when everything began to turn for us. I do know that things were still dire when my friend Tasha came to visit. After she left it was like things just exploded for us. I remember her telling me she felt like it was a God thing that she come to visit me. She was a real blessing to me, I can tell you that.
Y'all my tree just got into the house last night... it has been sitting outside in a pot of water since December 3. It is still naked. I wanted so much to take part in the garland show & tell over at the Nesting Place on Wednesday. Are you kidding me? My junk is still in the attic..... I will not complain one bit..... back in June or July I thought we'd be homeless. God, it is so good to come out of this season of pain & despair. I am laughing again, I am learning happiness again. Hope is a wonderful resource to use, Faith activates our blessings. It is hard to grab on to it when you are desperate but I have learned to do that through several people God has placed in my life to show me things.
My mom was put into the hospital yesterday. Today they transferred her to Piedmont in Atlanta. Her heart sped up in ambulance ride to Piedmont & they wanted to detour to Kennestone Hospital but my mom was adamant they take her to Piedmont. They are some of the best heart doctors in the country, good choice mom. They turned on their lights & sped her over to Piedmont. I guess it was the stress of the ride, she is okay now. I hope. She is in her room resting. She is having breathing problems & her heart is starting to have fluid build up around it. I am worried for her, her Dad died on my fourteenth birthday. December 21, 1984. I'm like "Mom, no way are you going to croak around my birthday". She laughs. She suffers so much but she loves her life with my kids so much too. My 9 year old is her best friend. They do everything together. I don't want to see her suffer but I don't want her to go....... Please pray for healing for my mom. She is the most gentle & beautiful soul.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Holy Cow!!
I had to add this in today!!
As I posted previously today, I went to to do my Bible In A Year. So one of my chapters was Psalms 73. I know I have read this a few times before, this year even, but today it sang to me. It was like reading about me & my thoughts & struggles & then recovery period I now seem to be in. It just shouted out to me. I love that. I had to share my Psalm.

Psalms 73 Study this Passage
Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.
They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills.
Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence.
From their callous hearts comes iniquity; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth.
Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance.
They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?"
This is what the wicked are like-- always carefree, they increase in wealth.
Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning.
If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children.
When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny.
Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin.
How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!
As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies.
When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

I never knew it but I am summed up in this Psalm. And how I have tied myself to it without knowing it!! Even in my blog I have as my verse that the Lord is my portion, I will wait for Him. Well, in the fourth to last line it talks about God being my portion. In one of my most favorite songs are the lines whom have I in heaven but you? There is nothing I desire besides you. There it is in the 5th line from the bottom. And I was a brute beast before God a month or two ago when I had my meltdown in the Church parking lot & had to leave for home & yelled at God & told him I was turning evil because being a good Christian girl had never gotten me anything but suffering & I was sick of watching the casual Christians & non Christians prosper & not suffer. I was senseless & ignorant at that moment. Do you see what comes after the line about being a brute beast in the Psalm? God takes them by the hand & leads them into glory. That's what happened to ME!! Wow. I am so blown away right now, it's amazing.

God, how you love me. How you love all of us!! How can anyone say you are not real or that there is no evidence of you? My heart aches for them.... But you have made me glad!!!

Happy Birthday Amber!!

Amber cat is 9 today!! Happy Birthday my sweet little kitty cat!!!!
Braxton's was 2 weeks ago, Amber's is today & mine is in 18 days!! I will be turning 39!! One more year before the big 40.
Dinner out tonight & then off to the Chirstmas Tree Farm to pick out a huge tree, a hayride, pictures with Santa & of course some hot chocolate. Presents too.
She is having a sleepover on Friday with some friends then off the next morning to have "Breakfast with Santa" at our local community center. Fun fun fun.
I am too busy to be here but my mind was spinning & my son was making me angry so I thought I might come here to de stress & visit some friends blogs. So far, it's working. Trying not to stress, need sales so bad.... they are coming in & I am grateful. I just need so much to pull me out of the hole that I feel overwhelmed. I have to be out of the hole by the end of this month..... Christmas is the last big hurrah. I may never catch up if I don't by this month. Of course I never put God in a box, I am just speaking practically in the worldly sense that I need to be caught up on my bills this month or it's not going to look good. I am so grateful for the Internet orders that are coming in. I was thrilled this morning to see someone else had ordered 2 more of those big 20x20 picture frames that I sell for $59.99. It was good news to see at 6am. Yay!! It's weird today, it's after noon but not a single person has come in today. That's odd. It has been a stressful morning so I think I am going to stop work now & do my Bible In A Year program on & do a little praying. Calm myself a little & re start the day. I did not get to my morning prayers really, just a little but I feel it is unfinished & need more time alone with God today. Maybe that's why I am off. I didn't get to talk with him much this morning. Lots going on plus, I was freezing my tail off. Hubby's truck broke down yesterday. Y'all please please pray that it will all be covered under warranty, we have NO extra money. Counting on the Lord for this one.......
Have a happy day to everyone, God bless.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Christian Bashing

Chaos in the house!!

My home has been invaded by computer boxes!! The area immediately to the right is supposed to be a dining room. It is now an office, open to the foyer. My porch has been invaded by spiders, hence the can of Raid sitting on my pretty table by the door. Amber sits in the office chair watching the spiders we just sprayed fall over dead. Hubby continues to bring in more boxes. HELP!! Don't they know it's the holidays? Brother boxes don't do it for me. Okay, okay, I'm happy he needs all of this STUFF, but like whoa buddy, can't you store this stuff in the garage or something? Where will I put the tree? My husband & the spiders have invaded.

Braxy took some baby wipes & decided to clean my windows & which was funny to watch. This also means messing up my cords tying back the curtains. I wonder how long it will take me to fix them back.......

It is snowing here today. It won't stick of course, hardly ever does. But it has snowed the whole day practically which has been fun. It looked like a snow globe over here about half an hour ago.

I just had a lady leave, she was so sweet & kind. I remember her from shopping here last Spring. She is slightly disabled so I just followed her around the store chatting with her, I remembered she said she was a little lonely the last time she was here. We had a nice time talking & I helped her pick out several Christmas presents. She bought 21 items for $179, not too shabby. I am having sales & such. Okay, like four of the items were paddle lolli pops for $1.59 but still. 21 items for $179 to me is a great deal. It's an average of $8.52 an item. So I am so very grateful for her large sale. Thank you Lord.

I have to say that I have something on my mind. It is very concerning to me. I have noticed a large increase in Christian bashing & an embracing of all things gay. Yes, it has all started over the gay marriage thing. Now, let me say I have gay people in my family, I have friends who are gay, I have worked for years with gay people. I'm in Atlanta for pete's sake, gay people flock to Atlanta. You know what? I could care less who is gay because I have enough of my own problems to be concerned about without telling someone about theirs. Now, I also must say that I am not for gay marriage. I don't understand what is the big problem with Christians saying that marriage is between one man & one woman. Am I crazy, didn't marriage first come into being in the Bible ? Isn't the marriage ceremony a creation of God? Doesn't that make marriage a religious ceremony or at the very least a ceremony that was created & founded by a religion? Doesn't it? What are we doing going around changing the definitions of religious ceremonies created long ago by our Creator? Why does anybody think that is okay? The weird thing to me is that any time this comes up for discussion/ facebook/other blogs, etc the other side is so anti Christian & just so hateful. I can't recall such anti Christian hatred since the 80's when it was so uncool to be Christian. I mean the attacks are so mean, you can't even have a reasonable discussion with so many people I have encountered, their standpoint is just..... you're wrong & your are a radical & you are a gay hater. I was actually told today that my Christian standpoint on gay marriage is the exact same type of hatred as radical Islam. Are you kidding me? This person meant it, even scarier, this person is a lawyer. I just don't understand it..... Lord, the end must be near. They are blind, they don't see what is right in front of them. I'm gonna get me a T shirt.... Christian and proud of it.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Pretty View

This view is 5 minutes from my house. This mountain is huge & the picture is taken so low it does not do it justice. But I love living at the very beginning of the North Georgia mountains, it is so pretty & great scenery is not far at all. I can escape city life in 10 to 15 minutes & be in the middle of nowhere in about 45. Love it. Today it is sunny & beautiful outside, yesterday it rained the entire day. ALL DAY & into the night.

Happily for me the store was actually busy & I was delighted with sales for the day. I was thrilled & my son thought I was a weirdo for thanking God all day & being so happy. I am so grateful for increase in sales. I give him ALL the credit for that. I am so grateful that my husband's remodeling business is just taking off so well. Can you believe that he employees 5 guys now? 5 guys? We still don't have any money to speak of.... all the extra is tied up in payroll for the other guys. I still don't care, he is bringing in enough to pay the bills, not much extra but hey, after the hell we've been through just paying the bills on time is pure elation for me. I am excited for hubby as he gets busier & busier, it is wonderful to watch someone in the process of being blessed. I always find it a humbling & fantastic thing to be a part of or watch God bless somebody. I mean it's God, the Almighty, Creator of all looking down on you. Helping you. Loving you. Providing for you. Healing you. Teaching you. Not somebody else, you. How freakin awesome is that?

My children are at the Atlanta Civic Center today at the King Tut exhibit. It is also my parents 41st wedding anniversary & they have 3 of my children. I hope they enjoy it, I wish I could have gone. The ticket prices are outrageous!! There goes the grocery money, but it's worth it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

A Cool Blog

Along my travels on Saturday to find out what people want I stumbled upon numerous blogs. This blog, called A Bum's Sack was really so interesting to me. He writes, well frankly I felt like I was reading from some famous author from long ago, like Hemmingway. He reminds me of Hemmingway, I'm a fan. So, I was captivated by this blog. I loved it & I read every word. I love honesty, it's hard to find someone who is just so open & honest not to mention wise too. Please go check out this man's blog. Every entry had meaning.

I told 3 of my children about his blog & his wise words. I told them all about (this was my favorite entry) the fast food misadventure & they were begging me to comment him back to see what the ending of the day was... They were taken with him too just from my recollection of the blog. My 11 year old son was with me today at the store & he asked to see the blog. I read him every entry (there are only 14) & he was captivated too. He really like this guy & he learned from him. Our experiences on this earth are all so different & yet all of us at some time or another seem to all come to the exact same place where we realize what life should mean to us. And it's all pretty much the same. No matter what our experiences we all have the same desires & come to the same realizations to treasure our precious time here. To love & be kind & patient. I am going to follow his blog if for no other reason than I loved his writing. He really should write. I wish I was wealthy & connected in the publishing circles so I could bring his words to the masses. Ah, there goes the activist in me again. If I had all the money in the world & had no worries I would probably spend my days helping people get a leg up in life or to realize their dreams. That's my dream life.
What's yours?

Friday, November 21, 2008

God to the RESCUE!!

Okay, I'm freaking out today. In a good way. BTW y'all, I already made a post today & it was a pretty good one but when I hit publish post something weird happened & it lost my post. Wah!!

I can't go through the process of doing it all again but the first part was all about Philippeans 4:4-7. Man, that whole passage is all about who I am right now. Okay, maybe I'll post those verses.

Phil 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

How many times have I read that passage, skimmed it, thought on it but today.... it sang to me. I love when that happens. Everything about me is summed up in this passage at this moment in time. I found it because all morning long Mr. Anxiety has been banging on the door of my heart & mind. I told him to go away, I'm not his friend anymore & he can't come to play anymore. He wasn't listening. I refused to let him in & when I got to work I took up my Bible & in the in Index ( one of my favorite parts of the Bible ) I looked up Joy & then Happiness. I read every scripture it listed. Phil 4:4-7 just sang to me. I felt compeled to do more than just read today & now I feel like it was God guiding me to this scripture. He has taken me to "that place" & I can't let Mr. Anxiety back in again. Then I won't be in "that place" anymore. So I just have had to keep continually praying & telling myself God hears me, God loves me & He is for me. He has already answered prayers & has already sent today's answer on it's way. Wait expectantly on what God has in store for me today. Today will be GREAT, not even good. So I'm freaking out because today is so so so so cold here in Georgia today & the wind could blow away a small dog. So it's freezing & windy, not a shoppers best friend. Why would somebody come out in the freezing cold windy weather to go to a gift store? I braced myself for a very slow day. I may have no sales today even. I am desperately needing to have a good day. I should do less than a $100 probably it's so cold outside. I am believing God for a $300 day. But just to show me He is in control...... God has already sent in 5 ladies, all 5 bought stuff & all of them were in the store less than 5 minutes. Okay, that NEVER happens. It's a gift store, filled with beautiful stuff & it smells great in here, I have hot coffee with gourmet creamers, brownies, mints. People usually stay awhile in here. There is no way it's a coincidence that 5 ladies in a row have come in, all been "in a hurry", bought stuff & been gone in less than 5 minutes. I know that's God. I'm freakin out!!! God is paying attention to me, He is comforting me in a struggle to kick Mr. Anxiety out of my head. I just think it's awesome when I get personal attention from God. It's soooo cool. I can't wait to come back here & report my sales tomorrow, even if it's not $300, I will have had a great day with God. He is here to help me & comfort me & what more could a girl want?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Look Who's 2 Today

Whoo Hoo, Braxy is 2!!
Only one more year to go. 3 seems to be the magical age where your kids calm down & us ladies can once again prance about our homes & do as we please. Yes!! One more year. He woke up in a good mood so let's hope it lasts. We had a nice moment last night.... he had woken up very very early yesterday so he was really tired last night around 8:15. He was really cranky (as usual) & his daddy put him on daddy's lap. Braxy didn't look happy. I asked him if he wanted to lay down with mama in my bed. He shook his head yes & stretched out his arms for me. Awww... how sweet. So I laid down with him & he was so tired he actually let me get a few hugs & kisses in. Usually you get smacked for such an intrusion. Braxy likes you to ask permission for kisses. He's into butterfly kisses right now but only at night when I put him to sleep. So I waited for him to fall asleep & I cuddled him all I wanted & I said to him "nanny nanny boo boo, I am hugging you."
I have been trying for one week now to try to get to a ladies only gym five minutes down the road from my shop. I can't get there. It's only $20 a month. That's cheap. I haven't gone though because I don't know how to get there. I can NEVER go after work. Hubby always has so much computer work to do at home and also he doesn't want to take care of Braxy. Which frankly irritates the poo out of me. He'd rather have a fat wife than watch the 2 year old a couple nights for a couple of hours. Mornings are hard because I am usually up from 3 to 5am with Braxy. Today he was up at 4. He goes back to sleep but I can't until 5 or 5:30. Then I am exhausted when I do get up to get the girls up for school or at 7:30 if hubby gets the girls up. Then of course I am getting old & I need at least one cup of coffee before I can really get moving. So I guess I have come to the conclusion that I have to stay fat or suffer sleep exhaustion for awhile & probably get more than a little aggravated with my husband because he is such a "man". Men really suck sometimes, I mean all of us are selfish sometimes, I know women who suck the lives out of their husbands & treat them unfairly. But on the whole, men are pretty selfish. I want so badly not to be fat anymore. It really consumes my whole attitude. So he's not willing... those are the cards in my hand. I guess I will have to be up in the middle of the night & get maybe another hour in & get up. I have to open the shop at 10. I will have to start getting ready at 6:30. Baby will have to get up at 7. I will have to leave by 8 to workout by 8:30. I guess that's not too horrible.... it's just that I am up in the middle of the night. Well, do I want to be skinny or not. I asked myself what would Joyce Meyer say to me. I could just hear her telling me I could whine about all that's not what I want it to be or I can deal with what I've got & do what I have to do. I am going to look at getting up at 6:30 as a positive to getting me to my goal & be excited about it. I used to have to be at work at 5am for over 10 years & let me tell you..... it sucked!! I really hate to get up early any more. I figure I will feel good about it as the fat melts away. I can't wait.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Look who is turning 2 tomorrow!!
This is his usual face, Braxton is always crying, yelling or whining. I have no idea why. My other 3 children are little angels. They had stinky moments but this little guy is stinky with angelic moments. See the wet stain on his shirt? He loves to take a drink & then spit it out on us, the furniture, the windows & sometimes he dribbles it down on himself. Why? No clue. But that's my Braxton. He is a challenge.
Today I have an ad that comes out in a local popular paper with a coupon. $20 off a purchase of $75 or more. I am anxious to see the paper when I get home. It is so freaking cold here today & yesterday that the parking lot has been deserted for two days. I am soooo hoping for a few people to come in. Nobody has been in today. Sigh.
I am feeling optimistic today still. That is amazing in itself. I am praying & believing in God's word & his promises. He came to me, He brought encouragement to me, I know it was Him. Obviously He wants me to know I will be okay. That's all I really need to know, it would be lovely of course if I woke up 60 lbs skinnier, the 2 year old was kind & sweet & my business began to thrive. I would certainly like that to happen. But, who knows the mind of God? I just have to believe that He is with me & He is looking out for me. He gave me such a kind gift on Monday. What a thrill!!! I am so hoping to see at least one Internet order come in today. That would make my day. Free shipping over $75, that's a good deal for Internet shoppers because they can email me several addresses & I will ship each gift individually & they don't have to do ANY work for the out of town presents. I am hoping. Anyway, I feel good. That's a miracle right there if anybody has read this blog for more than a week. HA!! I love to feel good.
If I have learned anything, I have learned how important it is to have relationship with the Lord. To study His word. Know God. It's easy to forget in distress & I am glad I had that base to fall back on. Thank you Lord for picking me up again. I am so hoping in you & all that you have planned for me. I am anxiously awaiting a happy life again!!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hope Part 3

Psalms 34:
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

Psalms 34:18-19
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all

Psalms 34:21-22
Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Psalms 37:1-11
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil.
For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.

There are several passages above that really speak to me. A big one is "do not fret-- it leads only to evil.". Wowie, I have been a fretter & it never did me any good at all. In fact it only made me more impatient & angry, which made me bitter & negative. Evil. I love the first verse....those who look to him are radiant. Oh, I love that. We all know people that just ooze of Jesus Joy, they have bright & smiling faces. So that passage got to me, I know of a few people who if I think about are radiant & they all love the Lord. Is that God's radiance? Man, that's big that God's love can actually SHINE forth from our physical beings. Ooohh, I want to shine too. I am mentally picturing myself in a little classroom at my desk with hand raised & bouncing in my seat yelling "me me me" at the Lord my teacher standing at the front of the classroom. I want that too. Can you imagine being radiant with the love of God? Right now my radiance stems from my bare minerals make up which by the way, I highly recommend.
I wish Joyce Meyers was my next door neighbor. Boy, through her I am really learning so much. Hearing, applying & learning are all very different things but she always pegs me to the core & somehow the way she words things makes it easy for me to try & apply what I have needed to. Joyce is my girl!! I highly recommend her website & her books. Love 'em.
Do you know the song/passage where we sing of the Lord asking whom shall I send.... and then we sing I will go. I never get through that without balling like a baby. How many people has God called & they would.... not go. How many times even has God moved us to call someone, they were just on our minds & we were too busy to do it or just dismissed it because of whatever..... if we have done that then we.... "did not go". I have been thinking of being a vessel for God & what that means in my life. I am not called to be a huge pastor but I am here on an everyday basis to be used locally. Will I go when God says whom shall I send? who will go? Will I answer the call? I want to, I hope so. I am a tired Christian right now. I am not involved in anything right now. Which is rare for me. I'm really pooped from my trials. But I am anxiously awaiting all of the wonderful things that are ahead of me through my Lord. Boy, I am so not wanting to forget all of my horrors & all that I have learned so that I tune out His will & His voice. I really like the verses above & they could probably be cultivated into one great Bible Study. If they haven't already.

Today is funny. Yesterday I was swamped with business. It was such a pretty gift from God. Somehow I just knew today was going to be no business. I didn't think about it much but I just FELT it rather than THOUGHT it. So I laugh today because it's 2:15 & I have only had one person come in & sold a 9.99 item. I think it's kind of funny. But I am cool with it because yesterday was flippin awesome & nothing can take that away from me. I love love love to be ringing people up & chat with them. And I did & it was great. So there.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Another Word of Hope

This is taken from Joyce Meyers:

Some people are afraid to hope because they have experienced so much hurt and disappointment that they don't think they can face any more pain. They refuse to hope so they won't be disappointed. Disappointment is painful! Rather than being hurt again, they simply refuse to hope that anything good will ever happen to them. This type of behavior sets up a negative lifestyle. Everything becomes negative because their thoughts are negative. Proverbs 23:7 says, For as he [a person] thinks in his heart, so is he....

(Okay, the above paragraph is totally ME. My prayers are hindered, I am torn because I have prayed & prayed & woken up with such wonderful expectation that things would turn around & then they wouldn't. When I have prayed the hardest it seems that the day would turn even more dire. I had eventually set myself up for disappointment. Also as my life has been filled with long hours & hard work I have set myself up to always believe I will never have anything to enjoy or have any fun. I have become a negative person through this long transformation whereas I used to be very happy & positive.)

More Joyce:

I needed to let go of the past and move into the future with hope, faith and trust in God. I had to get rid of the heaviness of despair, depression and discouragement. And I did, once I dug into the truth of God's Word! I found out that God is ...a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter of my head (Psalm 3:3). I began to turn my negative thoughts and words into positive ones! Now, I am not saying that you and I can get whatever we want by just thinking about it. God has a perfect plan for each of us, and we can't control Him with our thoughts and words. But we can think and speak in agreement with His will and plan for us. We can practice being positive in every situation that arises. Even if what is taking place in your life at the moment seems negative, expect God to bring good out of it as He has promised in His Word. You must understand that before your life can change, your attitude must change.

(My husband tells me this constantly. Jenn he says. You have to have more faith & just be happy. God has always come through for us, you can have bad moments but not bad days. He is right of course... it is hard to do, easy to say. But I must. An attitude change is a MUST.)

Another Joyce" Snipet":

All of God's promises are activated by faith

(Ay chi wa wa, that's a biggie! You mean I have to change my attitude first?)

More Joyce Wisdom:

If there is anything in this world that you can be sure of, it is change. Something is always changing. Why is it, then, that we find ourselves thinking, "Nothing will ever change... I'm always going to be like this... My situation will never change... He'll never change... She'll never change... I'm never going to be as good as so-and-so"? The only thing that will never change is God. For I am the Lord, I do not change... (Malachi 3:6). Everything else can change. If you have no hope of seeing change in your situation, change probably isn't going to come. We endure so many things emotionally that we really wouldn't have to suffer if we put our hope in God and stopped looking at all of the circumstances we can't control. We will never enjoy life unless we decide to! In order to live as God intends for us to live, we must truly believe that it is God's will for us to experience continual joy. Then we must decide to enter into that joy, which is essential to our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.

(She sure does have an awesome connection to God, that is one anointed lady. I always find wisdom in her words. I always find a reminder to put down my old self & become what God wants for me to be. Only God doesn't change, so that means everything has hope.)

God has been wonderful to me, He really has. I should already be evicted from my business but I asked them to help me out & wait until I could catch up on rent, they did not do that for the lady next door. They sued her & booted her out. When I asked they said okay & I am really behind...... I am still here. Surely that is God giving me a break. I am trying to be a good steward of my chance here. I am trying to give my customers good products & good prices. I am having sales & such.... but every one's broke & people are coming in like crazy comparison shopping & saying they are going with the lowest prices. I am nervous because I can discount like crazy but after the Holidays are over if I haven't made any money & sold the stuff for what it costs plus the shipping costs & the costs of the bag & tissue etc. Then I won't have any money to pay the rent etc. Then I will be booted out for sure. If something is 50% off, then the business is usually already losing money on something. It is hard to know what to do to get people to spend their money with me. I will just have to pray for God to bless me & if I give a good value then maybe He will predispose people to spend money with me. What more can I do? Anyway, I am so very grateful that my husband is now so busy with work he doesn't hardly know what to do with himself. If it wasn't for that stupid worker's comp insurance problem he would have already hired 2 or 3 more men. I hate that because that's 2 or 3 families that could have money coming in & don't. God will make a way for him, I know He will.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Renewable Resourses

Something that has been on my mind lately.... walking in love. I really want to do that. Everyone knows someone that is sweet, soft spoken, not easily angered, loves the Lord & it shows, just so sweet & blessed, quiet, everyone loves her. I have always wanted to be that lady. I never will, God did not make me that way. But I always look to those ladies for inspiration. I am a Joyce Meyers type of person. I have lots of opinions & I love to share them. Not in a bossy way, but if a subject comes up, I always eagerly join in & I am a extrovert of sorts. So I am trying.... I have really been trying to walk in love more with my husband. We are both really stressed right now. We had a difficult & painful pregnancy 3 years ago & the last two years have been spent raising a most difficult child who will turn 2 on the 20th. He is still in his crib in my room, still doesn't sleep through the night. So needless to say with the pregnancy, the crying baby, sleepless nights, the layoff, business problems, financial hell, we haven't had much ahem... passion for each other. Never mind lack of privacy. I have wondered much the last few months if we could ever get it back, when was the last time he really really kissed me, or I him. I don't mean a peck.... I mean a real stirring kiss that made you melt. Passion. We had definitely lost it. As I have begun my walking in love journey, he responded with more kindness too. Then a few days ago, I was determined to have an answer to my passion question. Is it even still there or have we been married too long & have too many problems. So being somewhat shy, I hinted around that I was wanting some close & private time. He wasn't biting. Then later in the wee hours something wonderful happened. He must have listened to me.... gotten the hint & maybe he had been wondering himself too. Somehow we reconnected in a way we had not since we were dating. YES, exactly what I had been wondering..... was it still there. Yes, it was & it was wonderful. I am not talking about a sex act, I am talking about passion, heat, goose bumps, excitement. Ever since then, we have been so close. We have both been walking in love with each other. He knocked my socks off last night.... I was supposed to paint a dining room table he built for me for my store. The 2 year old was really really horrible as he was extremely tired & hubby had so much work to do. So I didn't do it, I kept the baby away from everyone & then fell asleep with him. I was supposed to paint after I put him to sleep. It HAD to be done. I didn't do it. Too tired, I had been up 3 hours in the middle of the night with my mom who's defibrillator had gone off at 2am. Long story, she's okay now. Anyway, I woke up at midnight, hubby is usually still working. I put Braxy in the crib & peeked out. Hubby was no where in sight. I check the whole house, no hubby. Now for some reason, suspicion crept in & for whatever reason I started to assume he was up to no good & hiding somewhere. I am nuts, yes. Then it hit me.... I peeked through a window in my home that overlooks the garage window, there he was, painting my table at midnight. After a wave of guilt washed over me I was so touched. I felt so honored to be his wife. Isn't it wonderful to know love & passion is a resource that is renewable? It is never too late for love. It is never too late to fix what is broken, God has blessed us greatly with the ability to love. That is what we have been commanded to do. Love others as He has loved us. Love one another as we would want to be loved. I did not disturb him, he was doing something special for me & I did not want to spoil it. I kept thinking about all the things in my life that maybe I have lost, personality traits, etc. It's not too late, a renewing of the mind & spirit is a gift from God. We need only to embrace it & the gift is ours, He has already given it to us.

If there is something in your life that needs renewing, it is never too late. Pray about it & go for it. Jesus came that we would have life & have it more abundantly. God did not fill us full of resources that extinguish & then can be no more. Our gifts from the Almighty are renewable! Thank you Jesus, thank you Lord for showing me one more beautiful lesson. Thank you for teaching me that it is never too late to renew anything you have given to us. Love, love all you can, with all your heart & soul. And lastly, thank you for a husband that can still give me goosebumps & tingles. Hee hee, I had to say it.