Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
How can it be that when I left my bathroom mirror this morning, only 2 hours ago my hair was perfectly coiffed, curly & somewhat big hairish & now it is flat & droppy. In my eyes even. Oh yes, Georgia humidity!!! It's so hot here, in the 90's everyday already. I am thinking about chopping off 2 or 3 inches. Boy, my face sure has gotton fat. I really need to get back on the fitness schedule. Where did that mole over my lip come from too? That wasn't there a year ago, boy getting old is weird. Everything sags & things pop up you wish wouldn't & what you'd like to pop back up droops down. What's that all about?
So as I expected, I am impatient & struggling with resting in Christ. It is so against my nature to just give up and try to do nothing about something. I am waiting until I feel moved by God to "do something". Wednesday I had a negative day in sales, someone returned something for $20 & excahnged it for a $17.99 item & it was my only transaction. Thursday I had one sale 1 minute before I closed for $9.99. I had decent traffic both days & it was about 95% new people who have never been in before. All of them told me they like the shop & that I had pretty things but nobody bought anything. Highly unusual. Is God testing me to see if I freak out? Here I just totally surrendered all of my life & family & things to him & things get worse financially, the baby has been a complete terror both days also & up for 2 to 3 hours in the middle of the night, etc. Nothing got any better, it got worse. Confusing. I almost lost it yesterday for about 2 hours, I struggled but thankfully today I am overcoming that. Hearing from other wonderful ladies & reading their blogs is sooooo beneficial to me mentally & spiritually. I hope no one thinks I am some crazy weirdo stalker needy person. There are plenty of crazy people in the world for sure, but alas, I am not one of them. I am just seeking friendship & encouragement & a few brief moments of fun & laughter. I had my very first customer that I ever had come in this morning, she was about to get her hair done at the salon 2 doors down from me. She said she would be back when she got done, she is quite well off & always spends a lot when she comes in. So I was hopeful but I saw her get in her car & leave 30 min ago. ??? Sigh. I am re reading the book Grace Walk. I am still not sure completely what it means to rest in Christ. Do I really just seek only him & not worry about my bills personally & business ones? How do I not worry & yet the Bible in many places tells us not to. So I am really trying & having quite a few frank conversations with God. I am confused as to how to pray anymore. I used to always begin with thanking God for the day and then giving thanks period for anything I wanted to say thanks for & then praise him & then move along with any requests & petitions. I feel as though it was too much of a routine now after reading Grace Walk and I have just basically had one big conversation with God and several mini's throughout the day each day now. I am confused because it is a big deal to completely surrender your life to God. I mean, I didn't rent myself to him, it wasn't a lease/purchase option. I GAVE my whole self to Him. That is a really big deal if you mean it because that is for EVER. He could ask me to do anything! I was a little scared when I did it because having NO control of your life is scary. But I meant every word & I did it. I don't really feel any different, I haven't had a word dropped in my spirt, I haven't felt compelled to do anything different except pray differently, my baby is worse, & my business is worse. My hubby's doing several little jobs & thankfully it's cutting the mustard sort of. We had to ask my Dad to pay the mortgage again but he can't do it again for a few months becasue of my mom's medical needs & her poopy medicare/extra (not) insurance which pays for nothing. I would love to pay my own bills again. So anyway, I am confused because it was a big deal for me to give myself to God like that & nothing is really happening that I can see. Maybe I am not ready yet for Him to use me but I tell you, I just can't mentally take anymore. I am broken, completely broken. I will have to be patient & keep resting in Him because if He's going to use me He's going to have to do something with me soon. It is weird to be seeking God in this new way & also needing a miracle at the same time becasue I don't want to confuse the two. I am genuine about both things. I really do want Christ to live through me. I want my life to be victorious. I also don't want to be homeless. I also don't want to lose my store & be sued by the landlord for the rent I said I would pay for the next 2 years. Fun fun. I am still confused about the whole God/Jesus thing. The author of Grace Walk writes like God & Jesus are one and the same if I have read it correctly. I am always confused by this, my pastor says a lot that God was Jesus in human form. But if that's true why does Jesus talk to God? Why is Jesus sitting on right hand of the throne of God if they are the same person. I have always considered them to be 2 seperate people. You know, God's actual son. Someone he had known in heaven & then sent down to earth in human form to accomplish his task of salvation. So who are we supposed to be praying to? Jesus does in the Bible say to come to him and he will give us rest. So resting in Jesus is biblical, I just get really confused about all that, can you pray to Jesus? I know we can pray things in the name of Jesus but can you pray to Jesus? Is that in the Bible anywhere? I don't know, I am going to read my Bible some now. Hopeing for a restful & busy day if that makes sense.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
This is what happens when you leave your mom in charge of the baby so you can take a bath.
What you don't see is his entire lap covered with cake crumbs.
How many times do I ask her not to give Mr. B cake to eat by himself? Yet here he is. Now Mr. B needs a bath. I'm not mad...... it's cute...... just wish she'd quit doing it. Rice too. She knows I don't let him feed himself rice because it ends up in his lap and then all over the floor of my family room. My breakfast area is no more because it is his play room. So he eats in the family room. I'm not sure but I think my mom is secretly mad at me because she keeps putting rice on his plate. Even after I have already made him a plate she will sneak it over. Atleast he has enjoyed himself. Stinker.
Okay I just noticed my barely has any water in it green pool behind Mr. B. Forgive please. My Dad was out there uncovering it and cleaning it & getting it ready for swimming in. Which it is now and we have enjoyed it everyday since.
It is Saturday today, I have my 16 yr. old out at the entrance to the shopping center holding a sign for my store. I am hoping she will bring in traffic. People are just on vacation or broke & not coming in. Which I really don't understand because store's like mine have plenty of really cute things for under $10. A lady just came in & bought a hostess gift for $7.99 & left with a beautiful gift bag all tissued up with a pretty bow (wrapping is free). It was a really cute linen guest/kitchen towel. It was really nice . It was a dark brown & was embroidered with pink stitching that said A.S.A.P. As Southern As Possible . Actually I may have a pic of them in my post about moving the store around. The point being she got a good quality gift that the person will love for $7.99 & didn't have to wrap it either. Another lady came in yesterday and bought a totally girly girl pic frame in hues of pink/black/white. Really girly girl & a fun pen that has feathers all over the top and a flower coming out of the feathers made up of big plastic petal looking pieces. Really cute. She left gift bag in tote for $10.52 including tax. Another lady bought 1 of my $1.99 girls bracelets form Molly & Me (really adorable!!) & a best friends necklace set for $6.99. She spent $8.98 & her daughter will get a neckalce out of it too because the best friend neckalce set gets split between the two of them. One for her, one for the birithday girl. I wish people wouldn't forget about us. Yard sales galore today on the way in. I hope they don't hurt me too much today.
The bright side being that I feel positive today, don't know why but I do so I will run with that. I have been praying a lot lately. So it is hard to be negative when you are in prayer most of your day. I just have to be careful not to mix my worship & praise for God with my pleas for His help in our lives. I still have to worship, I cannot just beg for His help which is hard because I need Him to help us so bad. What a whinner. I feel bad for those poor people flooded out of their whole towns. Praying for them too. I have also been praying for people who have hurt me in my life. I am still concerned my sin is inhibiting the blessing's of God. Since unforgiveness is the one mentioned the most concerning the prohibiting of the blessings of God I figure if I am praying for someone & praying for their happiness & a blessed life for them I can't not like them & harbor anything left over. So, it has been quite freeing actually. I have done it for 2 days now. Even a couple of ex boyfriends from WAY back who really hurt me. A lady in church who made fun of my weight, etc. It has been very freeing to pray for them. Jesus sure is a smart guy.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I am shameless, I will ask my mom to dress up in a bunny suit to attract people's attention to my sidewalk oil painting extravaganza. I have no pride. It was the biggest Saturday I have ever had. Everyone loves a cute bunny.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
What's up with kids & cereal? They are always sneaking into the pantry for cereal. At nite for dinner what do they want? Cereal. I don't get it.
Soooo, anyway, I had a good time yesterday over at the Nesting Place Blog. What fun visiting the "imperfect" homes of everyone over there. I loved one ladies porch, she had drapes on her porch, I LOVE it. If I wasn't poor now I would have gone out yesterday to find something. Gorgeous. Another site had me in tears. I was sobbing like a little girl. It was about her daughter, it took me back to my baby girl shown here almost dying. Well, she did die several times. They were just able to bring her back. One time she was already blue. After all that, I learned to see beauty in people differently. Life is beauty. My little Amber cat is so beautiful to me. Have you ever known someone who was so beautiful on the outside & the more you got to know them they became uglier & uglier. The same for someone not great looking on the outside & they were so beautiful on the inside that as you knew them more they became beautiful to you. I remember a girl named Angela in middle school. When I met her, I felt a little sorry for her. She was soooo tall. She had a big face. It was very angular and very unsoft. I could tell when I met her that she was very gentle & kind. She became a good friend at school. She was not pretty at all. A good while into the year I remember looking over at Angela in class and thinking how pretty she was. Her eyes were pretty. Everything about her was so pretty & beautiful to me. I remember thinking, how could I have ever thought she was ugly. There were a lot of babies/kids in the hospital with us, after Amber, they all just looked beautiful to me. To quote Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.
I am fighting with my husband. I hate that. We are both under stress. My Bishop who just resigned the church may be getting divorced. They have declared bankruptcy, I would be willing to bet it was the financial stress hurting that marriage. Because I know their story & if they could survive all they have gone through in past..... financial stress is a real killer. The worst. We will avoid each other for another day or so & then it will be better. We know it is the finances eating at us, so we just let it die.
I got a post yesterday from someone who really hit home some things. Then this morning as I was having my blessed morning coffee I came across Creflo Dollar preaching about God's blessings. He said a lot of the same things in the poster's comments. He is really an annointed preacher, I love listening to him. He said a lot of the things my pastor has been talking about concerning why your prayers may not be answered. Things that can prohibit God from blessing you. Unforgiveness, strife, not following God's will for your life, not following Him & seeking Him and His kingdom, an unpure heart, etc. I really struggle with this. I do have a lot of anger, resentment and bitterness in my heart. When I ask God to show me my sin, this is basically all I get. Well, I know already I need to work on these things. I have been trying for MONTHS to rid myself of these things. I don't have any unforgiveness that I am aware of, I have forgiven a child molester for pete's sake, so I don't think it's that. I gave him to God. I don't have any "BIG" outward telling sin in my life. I don't smoke, no drugs, I drink 2 or 3 times a year so no drinking, I have never cheated on anybody, I don't lust after other men, most people think I am full of crap about that but I don't, I am faithful mentally to my hubby too, I dress modestly, you get it. I am a goody goody. So my sin or bad acts are inward. I am seeking God, I have been saved since I was a little girl, I desire God in my life daily. I desire to be used by God and know him personally, I study the word everyday, I have read the Bible twice front to back, I pray everyday more than once, I am emersed in seeking God. I go to church 2 times a week, sing in the choir. Blah, blah, blah. So narrowing it down in my little mind, I guess we are back to my big problem of anger, resentment and bitterness. I am almost never happy. I am stressed to the max! I don't like being this way. I have begged God to heal me. So I have begun to take baby steps again. Creflo said this morning that we must be walking in love, basically to be under the blessings of God. He is right. I was focusing hard on walking in love a couple of months ago but then things got even more dire I guess I lost that. So I must begin again. My family was really responding to my efforts so I must do it again. I am wondering though if there is a grading curve on this whole walking in love and becoming less stressed. My point being..... I have a husband who is great, don't get me wrong, but he does as he pleases around the home. He doesn't clean or do laundry. He cleans once a month maybe. He comes home and does not consider what I may need to do, he just goes about his business leaving me trapped with the baby. A source of anger and resentment leading to bitterness. I discuss this with him to no avail. So I can't change that. I have 4 kids. I don't care how good your kids are four kids is a lot especially when one of them is the most frustrating whiny baby I have ever known in my life. More stress. There is always someone talking in my house. It is never quiet. Someone wants your attention constantly, someone always needs something. There is no calm & quiet. They fight, they chase after each other loudy through the home. They baby almost never stops making noise and getting into things. So with just these two factors alone I am behind the curve say comparing my ability to walk in love and not be stressed and resentful with a woman who is married to a wonderful man who helps around the house and they have no kids or one or two kids. So by being married to a guy who's not very sensitive concerning my needs for him to participate in the household chores and having made the choice to have a big family make me LESS succeptable to receiving blessings from God because the more kids and the less helpful the hubby is causes you anger and resentfulness leading to bitterness. Get my point. So are people who have less aggrivation in their life more blessed? I am still confused. I want to change, but I have to also change my lifestyle to do that. I cannot change my husband. I cannot change how many kids I have. My kids are good kids too, they aren't unruly or anything. But there is a lot of us & it's going to be crazy a lot. They all play sports too. There is almost always never time for me to work out downstairs or do what I want to do, causing resentment leading to bitterness. How do I change that? I find this to be an interesting question, does having issues with a spouse and dealing with a large family & extreme financial stress cause you to lose your blessings? Surely God sees what is going on in our lives and gives a grading curve so to speak to honor that. I want to live in victory, doesn't that count? How am I not resentful when I want to go downstairs & work out so badly but no one will watch the baby for the time I need to lose weight. If I don't work out atleast 3 times prefer 4 a week, 30 min on the treadmill and then 30 to 45 min on the workout machines I will not lose weight. No one will let me have this. This is a big resentment. My extremely critical financial circumstances are stressful and lead to anger. Cooking dinner and cleaning and laundry is a lot for six people, he won't help. He helps cook dinner sometimes, the rest is a no go. This leads to anger and resentment. Bitterness. I hate to be that way. Something has to give, I guess I will be thinking how to make my life better to rid myself of the things that cause my anger, resentment and bitterness. All I can do. Still curious if having a more supportive spouse and less kids makes one more able to stay in God's will and be blessed.
Monday, June 16, 2008
First he took over the furniture....... then the breakfast room! My imperfect little baby has taken over the house. My once beautiful "French Country" breakfast area a.k.a. the place we eat is now the baby's play area. The table & chairs are gone, replaced with a huge soft rug to soften the blow when he falls over. I have toys galore in this room right off the kitchen & family room. It is not pictured but I even now have one of those big slides in there too. It is almost always messy!!
Friday, June 13, 2008
The best is yet to be.
I spent a good part of yesterday quoting God to God. Quoting the word of his apostles & prophets.
So I am born again. Therefore God is with me, his Holy Spirit lives within me so I cannot be alone. If He is with me his word says he will not give us more than we can bear. He will not forsake me. If He is with me & He knows me then He will bring me through. Right? That is what his word says. The bible says if we are seeking God and love him and try to follow His ways always, he will bless us. I can't help but wonder still if there is sin in my life that I am unaware of that could hinder God blessing my family. That is biblical. So I have prayed for God to reveal this to me if it is that. So far nothing there. I sin of course, we all do. I ask daily for forgiveness for all that I can think of and I ask for forgiveness for what I have sinned & do not realize it. I ask for conviction so I can repent and not repeat. I have cried out to God, I read Psalms aloud to God & myself yesterday. King David sure was something, if he was alive today & feeling & writing about these things most church people would stay away from him because he was a negative whiner as they would probably put it. I think David's psalms are wonderful, they are so beneficial for everyone. I can't hardly get my husband or any man to properly communicate how their day was much less pen multiple psalms of praise, worship, prayers, & raw emotion.
I am feeling desperate. I am confused. My husband is sick of me being depressed & negative. He barked at me today to be happy. I want to. I need God to heal me. I am not a person who can function with this much stress. Mostly, I can't function with financial stress. I am a security driven person. I need to be secure. I am a very responsible person. I am orderly. I NEED to know the bills are paid on time. I NEED to have a savings account. I don't need to be rich, I just need to know I can live within my means. Unfortunately, I have 8 people in my home so it takes a lot to house us. I own my home and the home market is in the pooper so I can't sell my home for what it is worth. I am stuck. I need to get rid of the suburban, but we owe $8,000 more on it than it is worth. The only people willing to trade it for something cheaper & put the negative equity on the new loan puts my payment for the same amount I am paying now so we gain nothing. I am desperate. We aren't people to just shirk our debts. We are trying to do things right. I see now why people declare bankruptcy. Sometimes you just can't do it. I don't want to ruin my credit, I don't want to be someone who just doesn't pay what they owe. Definitely not biblical.
So I cry out to God. I have given him an amount I need to do in the store today & tomorrow to pay the bills due as of the end of business Sat. Only God can bring in this amount. I have prayed all evening and all morning that the store would be filled & people would buy all day long. I am alone in here. 2 people have come in, one bought one didn't. It's getting late, where are the people? I pray for God to have mercy on us, I am hoping someone calls hubby with a basement to finish. He has estimates out. I don't understand why sometimes God moves & sometimes not. He has helped us financially, he has helped me with mega days in the store just in the nick of time to pay bills. Now for 2 weeks nothing. I am WAY below normal the past 2 weeks, ridiculuously low in sales. I feel cursed, I fear that God is angry with me & will not help us. What can I do to show God I love him, I want to be a good servant, I want him to use me. It is my desire to never leave Him again. I musn't. I won't. Why doesn't He respond to my cries? Why does he sometimes and then othertimes not? I don't understand. I cannot take this stress. I want to tell myself to be optimistic, I am so trying. It isn't easy. I need God to help me. I am not blind to my faults, I am trying to change. Will he hear me? Will he honor that I am trying to be as good as I can & help all who I can help? Will he? I don't know what He wants me to do? I ask him what His will is for me. I don't know, I have prayed that for years & I have never really felt an answer. Just helping. Maybe that is my calling. To help people. It's the only thing I have been felt to do other than choir. I am praying for His mercy, I need it. Oh, I need it to get really busy here quickly........ My chest hurts. I was up all night long, too stressed to sleep. God I need you.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
thought I would take some pictures. If anybody has any ideas feel free to let me know. Sometimes you can look at something for so long you lose perspective. A fresh look is always helpful.
This is part of my baby section.
Oopsies.... I just sold the pink blankie with the horses on it. Yea....
Looking out from my cash register.
For some reason
The blue bookcase is a Goodwill find, $15 and some blue paint.
p.s. the blue fabric was a Goodwill find, $4.60 for a ton of it. I asked God to help me find some Robin's Egg Blue fabric while planning to go to Goodwill for a week, low & behold..... A TON of Robin's Egg Blue fabric just waiting for me. God is so nice to me sometimes.....
Too much of a shock of blue!! I won't give up, I'm keeping the fabric.
Had to walk away.... What does it need? Still have more product to add in too.
Love the sailboat lamp! Love the robin lamp!
Us Southerners are proud of our heritage!! I have matching aprons too, mother & daughter sizes.
Getting low on purses! I need more. I hate hate hate the Vera Bradley purses. I will carry anything but those, women around here love them but I get a headache looking at the patterns.