Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
My sweet lamb chop is growing up. She will be 17 in just a couple of months. I am so proud of her. She is driving now and becoming independant and her own woman. She is amazing, I really mean that. Lexi is amazing to me. She is so sweet (except to her brother and sister!!) and rooted in her moral code. I love that she knows who she is already and does not let others sway her. I could not be more proud. She is respectful to us, her parents and for that I am so grateful and adore her. Of course, a lot has to do with how we raised her but still, a lot of teens are mouthy but my sweet lamb is respectful. One of the things about Lexi that has amazed me recently:
She has had a gigantic crush on this "boy" since 7th grade. He is just simpy "IT" for her. For years she has yearned and dreamed of being his girlfriend. Two years ago it seemed like it may happen as he was asking around about her and one of the football coaches let it slip to her. She was overjoyed and walked on water for a week or two. She lightly flirted and was crushed to have a friend who inquired directly to "him" tell her that the boy said she was not his type and he didn't like her. Well, she is finishing her junior year now so it's been a long sweet crush. The family often brings up "his" name to tease her. Well, two weeks before Christmas the boy tells one of her friends that he has liked Lexi since the 9th grade. Of course she tells Lexi and Lexi said she just about fell out of her chair in history class. This boy is adonnis to her. So conversations ensue between the girlfriend and the boy and Lexi as to who likes who and for how long. He has been shy and busy with his sports (he has a full scholarship to UGA for a sport) but he now I suppose cannot contain his liking my daugher any longer and has let the cat out of the bag. The problem? Lexi already has a boyfriend. A very nice boy. A nice boy who does not try to make her have sex like the others as she does not want to do it she always gets dumped. She also really likes this boy she is dating, nowhere near as much as "him" but she likes him. She walked on water again for 2 weeks dreaming of "him" and how it could be. I fully expected her to dump the poor sweet boy that worships the ground she walks on to date "him". She asked for my opinion but I did not give it. I told her it was an affair of the heart and her own personal ethics. It was time to let her start making decisions on her own. I told her that I would not allow her to cheat, that's it. So she pondered and pondered. Do you know what? She is still dating her nice guy and told the "it guy" that it wasn't fair to dump her boyfriend because he has been good to her and he is sweet and he does not deserve that. She did tell him that she has liked him for years and still does and would go out with him in a heartbeat but she could not bring herself to treat her current boyfriend like that. She said he didn't deserve that. They would just have to wait to be a couple if it was meant to be. HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's only 16, are you kidding me? Dude, I hate to admit it but....... looking back at how I was at 16. I would have broken up with the skinny nice guy who was good looking and sweet and totally gone out with the very tall muscular drop dead gorgeous jock who was also sweet and nice with a rockin car and who was also one of the most popular boys in school. TOTALLY. Well, we always want our kids to be better than we are and I guess I got that in Lexi. I'm so proud of her. I'm proud for lots of reasons but this one..... well, ethics and kindness. I'm just so happy she did the right thing by the other guy and made a decision that allows her to be free to live with herself and not have guilt.
Monday, January 19, 2009
However, even after praying this prayer, we failed to see the powerful results we had been taught that we could have. Then God revealed to us that He is not pleased or satisfied with religious sacrifices in a house full of strife. "Better is a dry morsel with quietness than a house full of feasting (on offered sacrifices) with strife. (prov. 17:1) . He is not looking for phony Christians. He wants the real thing- not just people who "talk the talk," but those who "walk the walk."
God responds to the prayer of agreement when it is prayed by people who agree. If Dave and I have been fighting all week, there was no power in joining hands, bowing our heads, and coming togehter in order to move God. The prayer of agreement is only effective when prayed by those who "harmonize together, and make a symphony together."
Once God exposed the strife in our lives, I began to see a pattern. Not only did our family tend to get into arguments on Sunday morning while we were on our way to church, I also noticed that Dave and I would often have some kind of conflict just before a seminar where we would be ministering. It became obvious to me that Satan was stirring up dissension in order to keep us from hearing God's Word and moving forward spiritually. He was using strife to block the annointing in my life and ministry.
James 3:18 And the harvest of righteousness (of conformity to God's will in thought and deed) is (the fruit of the seed) sown in peace by those who work for and make peace (in themselves and in others, that peace which means concord, agreement, and harmony between individuals, with undisturbedness, in a peaceful mind free from fears and agitating passions and moral conflicts).
Romans 12:18 If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Galations 5:14-15 For the whole Law (concerning human relationships) is complied with in one precept, You shall love your neighbor as (you do) yourself. But if you bite and devour one another (in partisan strife), be careful that you (and your whole fellowship) are not consumed by one another.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
First we have to leave no later than 8:30 for our three kids having karate testing. It's a big day for Brandon because he is doing all of his low ranks. Which is basically him doing all of the forms for white belt through brown I think. Anyway, it's a lot and I know I could not do it. If he passes this test he will be a black belt in four months. We have been doing this for 3 years now. I am worried about Amber passing her test. She is a blue belt right now and for the life of me I can't remember what she will be next!!
Then we are moving hopefully everything out of the store today. All this with a 2 year old. I am hoping he will be good for us.
We moved all the fixtures out of the store yesterday. The lady was mad at me like I said yesterday and then she doesn't even show up. We had it loaded up and were ready to go and so I finally had to call her. She was running around paying vet bills and stuff. I just about laughed out loud, she's mad at me for not confirming the confirmation I made 24 hours in advance before 2 when I called but 30 minutes after we should have all been there she was still out running errands. What a hoot. People are funny..... so we met her at the store and then it was fine from there. She was really sweet to me after that and I was glad she was not mad at me anymore because I wasn't sure why she was mad to begin with. People kept coming up to me at the center to see if I was okay when we moved out a lot of the store displays. That made me glad because it is important to me that people care about me. Why? Because I want to be a nice person and be well liked and my thoughts are somewhat jaded and sarcastic and I always so hope that it doesn't show in my actions at least. You know? So I was glad they came to check on me because it means they like me. So I smiled big and told everyone I was okay and that I was just trusting in God to take me down the path he wants me on. Only this time God, you be a little louder because I really did think I was on the right path before. I made a decision in advance to say nothing negative and also because nobody wants to hear it. Reading Joyce's book Living Without Conflict has really impacted me and it's still sinking in. But I have this stuck in my head. "Only peaceful words in my mouth.". That is what I keep telling myself. I let one thing slip that was not peaceful and I immediately felt convicted of it and guilty. A lady in the center asked if the person buying my stuff was the lady who had been planning on opening a children's boutique right beside me in the center. I told her yes. She asked why she didn't open and I told her that the lady met with the leasing agent and when the leasing agent started bad mouthing all of "us" she was put off and signed somewhere else. Now, the funny part was that I wasn't gossiping or talking badly about anybody, I just gave a fact. But the reaction of the person I was talking to was to scrunch up her face like you would if someone told you something you don't like and you are done talking to them. Then after the face she just walks away. I was stupid stupid stupid, only peaceful words in my mouth. I regretted it immediately but I wondered if it was God turning her off like that to show me a lesson or I don't know.... what did I do? So once again, only peaceful words in my mouth. When I have some time, maybe Sun. or Mon. I need to do a good post on what is in the book so far. But I can say happily that I have caught myself and stopped myself from saying things that were not peaceful and not necessary to say several times yesterday alone. So hurray for that. I am making progress. I really do want to be positive again and peaceful and I would love for my blog to turn into a pretty blog about family and God and great stuff that I cook. Okay scratch the cooking, I hate cooking. I am having a hard time praying again. Why does that happen? I don't know what to say to God, isn't that weird? So I just start talking to him what I am thinking when I get like that. Better something than nothing. My mind starts wandering when I am praying meaningful prayer and I can't stay focused. So I just talk. I 'm guessing he doesn't mind. Will I ever get this right? I'm not a bad person, will I ever have peace??? I sure wish somebody could tell me what to do. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to "do" anything but there sure must be some reason "stuff" constantly is happening.
Guess who had a heart attack yesterday? That's right, my mom. Hard one for me. Saved it for last. Her defibrillator went off yesterday morning. Dad said it sounded like a shotgun going off and he was touching her legs when it happened and he said it shocked him too. He screamed involuntarily too. He said it was pretty bad. Her heart rate had been over 200 beats per minute when it happened. She would have died with out the machine in her body. Oh, God, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please please please don't take my mom right now. For the love of You, please. Please, it's all I ever say anymore and I don't mean it in the nice way, I mean it in the begging for no more kind of way. Please please please let it stop. She is still in rehab for the stroke and trying to learn to walk again for poos sake, do we really need a heart attack on top of it? Huh?????????? Flarf. (Back to weird words instead of cursing.) Going to call her in a second and then get ready for karate. I am in my detached I'm not Jennifer mode right now. I like this mode because I am in my survival functioning and I really don't have any feelings, I just do what has to be done and I do it. Period. It is quite useful to me when I would otherwise fall into a heap of emotional poo poo on the floor. I can almost feel the switch over in my brain when it happens and I am quite grateful for this strange ability. I just "do". So I have alot to "do" today and I hope I shall "do" it well and peacefully.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Tonight my husband informed me he would like me to go back to work at the place I hate more than anything in the world and left after 18 years of indentured servitude. His big plan is that I work a full day Saturday and Sunday (bye bye Church) and Monday Wednesday and Friday evenings. I can be off on Tuesday and Thursday so I can run our kids to karate. Isn't he sweet. I can go to work at 5pm until late. You know, after the kids are all in bed. I was so taken back by this, he was so excited about it. He had it all planned out and when my reaction was not positive he blew up on me. He wants me to work someplace where we can get health insurance and I have to work weekends and evenings so there is no daycare as daycare is $135 a week. I was so shocked, I don't even understand it. I have not brought one penny of money into our household or made a single dime since December 2006. So for two years now he has paid all of the bills. Why now is it so imperative that I have to work all nights and both weekend days? Why so many hours? I'm so pissed off I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why the flarf can't I just have a life like everyone else? I worked at that hell hole for 18 years and the last 12 I had to work 50 plus hours. I was never home and I missed EVERYTHING!! Then I got to stay home for one year after Braxton. I was so tired of that hell pit I worked at but had to because they paid me so much. I quit my job. Then my husband tells me that I am going to open a store six months after he gets laid off. So six months of that one year was spent planning to open the store and all that stressful stuff. Then I spent the last year and four months working six days a week. I am fucking tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I cursed. I feel better. Now the motherfucker wants me to hurry up and close up and go back to the hell hole I crawled out of (over my dead fucking body) and go work all nights and weekends so I can once again never be home and miss everything. Miss all dinners except 2, but I am sure I will be expected to have it cooked and ready for them to eat. Miss all weekend activities, all sports games, you know, basically miss out on my family. I guess I am just truly a big pile of dog shit. And he can't understand how I could not have a positive reaction to that. So he yells at me, like he does a lot now. I can't keep on paying on the bills he yells. Okay, yes, I know that. But I'll be damned mother fluffer if you are going to pimp me out and make me miss out on my life. I am so fucking tired of not having a life. I have to be a fat pig because my fucking family won't let me go to the gym. I have tried to go in the mornings, yes, now suddenly hubby has too much work to help me get the baby ready too and I could go on. Needless to say, I can't ever get there. Another wasted membership. I am hoping to go when Lexi gets home now that she can drive the kids to karate and I can pick them up after I work out and she can watch Braxton. But of course if Mr. Butthead gets his way as soon as Lexi gets home I will be off to work and not the gym. I never get to do anything or have any friends because I am always working. When I do get to go to a sporting event, people see me with Mike and they are like, are you related? Yes, I the freaking wife. So now I have to go work nights and weekends? I'll lose this flippin house first before I go back to work at that hell hole and you know what? I'll lose this flippin house and everything in it before that mother fucking asshole makes me do something else I don't want to do. I am so sick of being bullied. Bullied at work, bullied at home. I want to drive to a mountain and scream as loud as I can, then cry and then throw myself off the mother fucking mountain. MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't I just have even ONE mother fucking good week even? ONE fucking day? Guess not.
Friday, January 9, 2009
This scripture keeps coming to me. First I found it and I want to say I even did a post about it? Did I? I think so.... too rushed to look now. But I want to say it was no more than 2 weeks ago and since then it has been put in front of my face countless times. Either I keep coming across it myself or my wonderful friends send it to me and this morning there it was on my Facebook page from a friend who really doesn't know me that well. Obviously God is trying to tell me something do ya think?
I never really thought much about this scripture before two weeks ago when it just jumped out at me. I think it was in a devotional. (Please forgive scatterbrained Jenn, I have too much in my head and if something new comes in then something has to come out. The parking deck is full!)But is sang to me. I have experienced the renewing of my strength. The first part of the scripture. I am ready to soar like an eagle!! I want to, but shouldn't all this bad poop stop so I can leave the runway? They will run and not grow weary. I have experienced that for certain through many trials. Divorce, rape, a dying child (she's 9 now!), and through this last year. I know how that feels, God's grace is a gift. They will walk and not be faint. I have experienced this in the past and have felt this gift since the last of November. I don't know that I have ever soared like an eagle. I guess you can interpret that in a few different ways. Since I am not sure what that means I am assuming I have not soared. I want to. What is God trying to tell me? Is it not to lose my hope in him and He will take me through this poo and it will be okay? Okay, I'm doing that because what I am walking through could be just devastating. My body hurts from the stress. Bankruptcy? Are you kidding me? I always pay my bills. I've been fighting this for a year now.... I just want it done. I can't help but be a little cynical about this scripture being in my life. Why you ask? I don't want to be cynical..... but...... something obnoxious just always seems to be happening to me/us. That's why. Is this scripture like the carrot dangling in front of the horse to get it to move? Does the horse ever get the carrot?
I've said it before, about the only poo I haven't had to endure is hemorrhoids, drugs, and alcohol abuse. Please, Lord, no hemorrhoids. I'm like.... okay, Jenn you can do this one more time. Hope, it was a huge theme for me awhile back as anyone who reads this blog may remember. I was blogging about how themes of HOPE kept coming up. I even posted a note on my Facebook about it and I know several posts about HOPE. Now that God has worked on me with having the hope what does He show me next? This scripture:
" Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
So it's like He told me to have the hope and then he showed me how to have it again. Now I have the hope and now He is trying to tell me what to do with it. Is that it? Did I get it right? Somebody please tell me!! I want to get this right.
I keep thinking I have to continually go through poo because maybe I'm not getting it right. But then I know the word says I don't have to deserve his love, he freely gives it. I know He has done works in me and I do what I feel God is compelling me to do. I just still have a nagging feeling that I don't have a peaceful life because of something I am doing wrong and I don't know what it is. If somebody knew what I was getting wrong I sure wish they would share it with me so I could have some peace finally. I'm not rotten or anything. I tell you what.... I'm gonna do this hope thing. I'm gonna fight, but please God. Can I have the carrot when we are done traveling down the road you are trying to move me down? Please please please.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Wow!! Is that me or what? How long have I battled fear? Most of 2007, that's for sure. I conquered the spirit of fear in the last week of November. Planning a post this week about that one!! Can't wait. Anyway, the Life Application Bible which I read out of says it a little differently. It says " For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. That is only verse 7. But it was powerful you know? So I have put down the fear and now I must take up the power that is mine already, I have to only have the faith to use it and pick it up and actually "use" it and then get that love, and sound mind down. These things are what I have been blogging about for months, how I want so much to walk in love and have peace again, to not have all of this stuff in my head. Wow, great sermon. Upon reflection, I think it is ridiculous how we have made out lives so complicated on this earth. We rush around like fools, do we really need all of this "stuff"? Why do we live this way? Sometimes I just want to pack up & move to the mountains and live so simply. We make it hard, not God. Simplify, simplify, that seems to be a theme with everyone in blog land and with my friends around town here. We are all a little sick of our business I think? Maybe a little homesick for God too? Do you ever just want to run home to God? I know I do. I just had to mention it. Good sermon.
I wanted to share something in my Life Application Bible. It is a model for praying for others based on Paul's teachings on prayer. This language just simplifies what Paul is saying & makes it easy to remember to pray this in our common day language.
Paul says to pray these 7 things when praying for others:
1. Be thankful for their faith and changed lives.
2. Ask God to help them know what he wants them to do.
3. Ask God to give them deep spiritual understanding.
4. Ask God to help them live for him.
5. Ask God to give them more knowledge of himself.
6. Ask God to give them strength for endurance.
7. Ask God to fill them with joy, strength and thankfulness.
I found this a few months ago and wrote it down on two sticky notes and placed it by my cash register at work so I could look at it every day until I had it memorized so I could pray it every day for all of us. Basically I tell God I am asking for the following things for myself, my husband, children, mom and Dad, family & friends and every person who calls on His name and His son Jesus. I think it's a great prayer concerning praying for others. I still pray at least once a week for every person who has ever hurt me too, I ask God to bless them and always speak this prayer just for them too. Guess I need to include dad in this list now too, ha ha.
There are so many unknowns in my life right now. The business still teeters on the brink of closing. But you know what? I don't worry anymore, I don't want it to but I have put that behind me. I know that God is taking me down a road He wants me on. As long as I know that, the fear is gone. It has been a long hard road to say that & have it actually be true but I am there. I live for today and tomorrow will take care it itself. If it closes will the landlord be awarded future rent causing us to declare bankruptcy? Or will I just have to pay what I owe still and close up and keep the online store? I sure hope so. My husband needs a secretary bad!!!!! I could do that for him and keep the online store so I could make money from home. Whatever it is, I know God will protect me. Good heavens, it feels SOOOO GOOOOD to be able to say that and mean it. A place of peace. Geeez louise, who would've thunk it? Work could always stop for my hubby's business, or it could keep going. I can't think about that, God has provided and his faith has always been much stronger than mine so who am I to worry? I am loving my peace about our future. For that, today, I am thankful. The day is young here at the store. I could ring up nobody or I could do hundreds, thousands even. I put no limits on my blessings, but I do know I will have a happy day and that's good enough for me.