Can papyrus grow tall where there is no marsh? Can reeds thrive without water?
While still growing and uncut, they wither more quickly than grass.
Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless.
SO PERISHES THE HOPE OF THE GODLESS. Remember what I was saying about hope?
Job 9:14 & 15
"How then can I dispute with him? How can I find words to argue with him?
Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy.
If I say, 'I will forget my complaint, I will change my expression, and smile,'
I still dread all my sufferings, for I know you will not hold me innocent.
Since I am already found guilty, why should I struggle in vain?
Even if I washed myself with soap and my hands with washing soda,
you would plunge me into a slime pit so that even my clothes would detest me.
"He is not a man like me that I might answer him, that we might confront each other in court.
If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both,
someone to remove God's rod from me, so that his terror would frighten me no more.
Then I would speak up without fear of him, but as it now stands with me, I cannot.
I find myself being punished more severly now. Everything is going wrong. Especially at the store. The downturn & I mean hard downturn came Saturday. My store only did a paltry sad amount. Never heard of. A lemonade stand probably did more business. Then came Sunday. Ah, yes Sunday. My grandest day of rebellion against God, for which I was ashamed but could not stop myself.
As I had to leave the church parking lot (long story, see previous posts) not 10 seconds after I pulled into it & had my little breakdown. Then as I got to the driveway I had a meltdown. I think I am due. So I declared to the household that I was giving up on being good. What has it ever gotton me but misery I declared. Maybe I will be evil now I said. Knowing of course that I could not be evil but I couldn't stop myself. I was furious. I can't even get to freakin church without a drive through Hell. So I ranted & ranted with tears streaming down my face. I declared my stance that I would not go back to church. I was tired of living in misery. I was tired of being left out of everything & being made fun of .... for what. God seems to not even hear me anymore. I was tired of begging Him for mercy & Him not answering.
Well.... if I though sales were bad before..... I didn't know nuttin. Is this my punishment? I am even having a buy one get one half off sale for pete's sake. Signs all over the front of the store. One person bought 2 things for a total of $9. Only one other person even came in. Are you kidding me? I sold nothing yesterday & this is the worst week of traffic I have had EVER. Buy One Get One Half Off... I should be busy. Way busy.
I have felt guilty for my rant aloud to God. I have felt guilty I did not go back to church Sunday, I didn't go Wednesday either. What the hell am I doing? I am a lost little sheep. So I guess I have to be punished some more now. I guess I deserve it. But I know people who rant or don't live for Him at all, they're okay. I feel like I'm always being punished.
I like the part of Job where he wished he could talk to God. He was so miserable, I can hardly read that book it is so painful. I can't even begin to imagine his losses & his physical pain. His torment.... what had he done? Nothing. What have I done... nothing. God did not answer his cries. He doesn't answer me either. What is a girl to do?
The weird thing is that I know God is real. I really really do. But something inside me keeps saying that He isn't real. That he couldn't be real... it keeps showing me all the conflicting verses of the Bible. Ones that promise things if you do things... but then shows contradictions. Especially the one where God says He will have mercy on whom He chooses. I am fighting that off & don't know where it is coming from. I know Satan & his fallen angels are real too but I shudder to think I have one on my tail whispering in my ear. EWWWWW... gross. Go away. I wouldn't EVEN want to know what it looks like. Yuck.
Back to the verses. The first one. Such is the destiny of those who forget God. So perishes the hope of the godless. I can't believe how this keeps coming back to me. Remember what I was saying about Fear. Fear being defined by the absense of Hope. Am I supposed to keep my hope? Duh. I know the correct answer. This is probably so easy & I can't focus enough to get it. Duh. Is God talking to me or not? Man... why can't he just email me or speak clearly? Hope Hope Hope. I didn't realize until last night that I keep saying "There's no hope" & "I can't live anymore". I didn't realize it but I say these things a lot. My life is pretty miserable. Yada yada. I have mentioned the baby who whines constantly right? Oh & now he likes to pour glasses over onto the floor if he can & he absolutley loves & lives to drink from his sippy cup & then spew out the juice ALL OVER US!!! ALL over my furniture & my windows. Fun. Hope just keeps coming up. How long can one hope & hope only to be disappointed every day that it doesn't come. Or a small mercy comes but now one big enough to take it away. Frustrated!
I said something to a good Christian friend today... about being stressed that my candidate may not win. Her reply was not to worry about anything. God is in control & none of this surprises Him. It was so simple. But it kind of tick me off too. I hate that canned answer. So okay... I shouldn't worry about anything. I can just lose my store, be sued, not worry about hubby getting enough work & lose my house, file bankruptcy & not worry at all because God is not surprised by it. Only a person with no problems could say that without laughing. Which of course she has none to speak of. Well off, doesn't have to work, kids are older, doting hubby, etc. Oh how I wish I could be that free to trust that way again.
I don't know what made me come back today. No clue. Stupid blog.
I just had the third person for the day come in. I close in an hour. Thank heavens she bought something. A giraffe stapler & tape dispenser. A grand day of less than $25. Isn't punishment fun? Is this punishment? People must be blind to the store. How can they not see Buy One Get One Half off.... then when I told the lady who just left about the sale she said she didn't see the posters. I also have 10 8x10 signs all throughout the store at eye level saying buy one get one... Then when she got to the register & I mentioned that I was taking half off one of the items, she's all like oh yeah I forgot you said that. Okay.... how does a woman not recal buy one get one....? She must be... they all must be blinded to it.