Friday, October 31, 2008

A Reed Blolwing In The WInd

One of my best qualities has always been that I am a very open & truthful person. Another is my steadiness, I rarely in my past waiver or have been easy to sway. For some reason people around me look to me for strength & answers. They know they can always count on me. If you ever know of anyone you can count on it is me. How could I have gotten to this place where I am like a reed swaying in the wind. Tossed back & forth by the waves. This keeps coming up now & I know God is displeased with my wavering attitude. I don't think it is my faith that is wavering, my faith is so strong really that it just messes up my attitude that I always expect something new & wonderful to begin to happen for this season to end & when it doesn't or it just gets worse.... my attitude stinks. In my defense, it is really really hard to be me. I haven't had a lot of breaks in the last 16 years of my life. Which is about half.

I am trying. Yesterday I felt great, then this morning I have really struggled. I really really need people to come in today & buy stuff. I barely paid the power bill before they shut me off. Surely that was by the grace of God. I am praying very hard today that God will make a way of great sales so I can catch up on bills. This is so stressful I cannot bear it any further. I just don't understand why I can't sell anything. Everyone tells me the store is beautiful. I had a lady come in here from the salon 2 doors down to tell me that a bunch of ladies in the salon were talking about my shop & saying how beautiful it was. Yesterday my marketing lady stopped in mid conversation with me to say " I feel like shopping". She said she just kept seeing things she wanted as she was talking to me & the smells in the store were making her feel like she wanted to grab things. But she didn't. She knows my hubby well, she knows she's hired & she is very successful & drives a Beamer, she doesn't need me so I know she wasn't buttering me up. I just had a rich lady in here, she hasn't bought anything from me in 9 months or so.... she tells me the ladies in the neighborhood bring up the shop sometimes & she said they all say good things about it. But she only bought 3 pine cone candles for $1.49 ea. She was saying how beautiful everything was... but she spent $5. I'm like.... is everyone lying to me? Or what the heck is hindering people from buying? It's so hard to worry about personal finances & the store ones too. I owe out a lot of money, but the gift stores around me ( there are 2 ) are all thriving. They are all seeing increases & I can see it in their parking lots but mine is decreasing & I may have to close. I don't understand why. This has always been a dream of mine, is it wrong to pray for God to give me my heart's desire? To bless the shop?

I shall have to buck up as much as it is hard & try my best not to waiver. To not blow in the wind. To not have an attitude of the day. Negative Nelly my hubby calls me. How can he stay so positive? At least his business is picking back up again, he pays the bills thank heaven.

When I realized how wavering I am now, how unsteady I am it was really shameful. How low to be brought. So today as all the other stores around me seem to be busy, the parking lot has cars coming in steady but only 4 people have come in & 2 have bought for a grand total of $18 so far today I shall try to smile & remain positive. I got the message & I shall try to steady myself more. When will it all be over?

As I was typing that, the zipper on my pants just broke. Thank heaven I have a long sweater to wrap around me or I would have to close & go home to change. You see, that's the crap I'm talking about.... life just keeps kicking me when I'm down. I only have one pair of pants & these are them. Great. But I guess I'll wear my broken pants with a smile. Oh, and in case anybody is wondering.... I still have that rose thorn stuck in my big toe. Shessh, can a girl get a blessing or what?

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