Well my very words from my last post were thrown up in my face this morning. My daughter sat sobbing from a broken heart and fed up she said these words for the very first time in her life "What good does it do me mom to pray and serve God and do all the right things I should do when it doesn't seem to do any good? Why don't I ever get to be happy? Why can't I ever get what I want"?
I wanted to fall over. Was this God? What the heck?
Her boyfriend broke up with her last night. It was completely and totally unexpected. I don't mind saying I want to drive over to his house and hurt him in a big way. She loved him.....she really did. He was the first real practicing Christian guy she has dated too who had a personal relationship with the Lord and was adamant about pleasing God with his life. We all loved him. He was like a breath of fresh air. In fact, everybody loves this guy. He is very popular. He said he loved her too. Then just out of the blue, no warning, no conversations to discuss any issues he just drives over to her job and breaks up with her. I won't go in to why but.....we had such high hopes for this guy. Finally a guy that would be good to her and he was until last night. Finally a guy who wasn't trying to pressure her into having sex. Finally a guy with some integrity. NOT.
Do you know how hard it is to watch your child sob? Not just cry, but sob. It breaks your heart. A person should not have the ability or inclination to do that to another human being, make them sob that is. That was pain. Then she uttered those words to me and I knew what she was thinking. She doesn't drink, do drugs, smoke, skip school, have sex....... and what has it gotten her? She gets made fun of and does not get invited to lots of things because the other kids know she will be uncomfortable because they are doing those things. She can't date several guys over the years she really liked 'cause they want sex and she has stayed pure. They tell her this..... and they call her A WASTE because they say her smokin hot body is going to waste. NICE. So she is thinking that because she goes to church and prays and lives this life free of so many obvious sins there should be some kind of SOMETHING (like I stated in my previous post) for doing these right things in this life. But instead she gets grief, gets dumped, and gets heartache over and over. Why bother she asks? She is thinking that she could be out having fun instead? All her other friends are having the times of their lives, partying, lots of sex.......what does she get? DUMPED. UNHAPPY.
I took her to the Bible and we looked in Psalms. Thank you Lord for showing me where to take her. I did the best I could for the time allowed, she had to get to school. I will need more words later on tonight but good grief, what to say? Sometimes standard plastic church answers just won't do. You know like this one "We aren't always rewarded in this life for our good works, we are rewarded fully in the life to come in Heaven." In some situations the person hearing this could just say well whoopty doo and this helps me how? Been there and I really hate that stupid answer. That's more of a fact and not an answer that should be given in any way to someone looking for comfort. 'Cause it's not comforting much at all. When I am feeling this way at the moment myself why am I presented with someone wondering the same dern thing? Argh.
I find the timing a bit unique. My poor baby. I want to help her but really, how do you help someone with a broken heart. I can just listen and let her cry. Stupid boy. I want to her to kick his butt. Why did I send her to Tae Kwon Doe for 2 years and she is six months from her black belt to take this poo off a guy. I'm like, take him down girl. Put him in a hold. Ha ha, I kid. Maybe. I wouldn't be opposed to a good kick to the head.
So, I guess this weekend Lexie and I will talk about serving the Lord and that it does not guarantee our happiness in any way shape or form. Big sigh. I wish it did. I really do. Sometimes life is just dang hard. She kept saying "It's not fair!" and all I kept thinking was nothing about my life has ever been fair. It never has. Maybe it never will. Life isn't fair, it is skewed and it does not make sense. I wish Jesus would just come back. Now. This very second. That would be nice :) Then I would not have to explain to her that nothing about the laws of anything require that life is fair to anyone. Then I think we are going to have along talk about personal responsibility.
I can see from Lexie's relationships why people have walls around them. I personally am a wall less person. I am extremely open about everything and comfortable with myself and I tend to gravitate towards people like that too so I have not experienced the whole emotional wall thing. But, I can see why people build them. Sheesh, she has taken some emotional beatings and this guy is going to do some damage. Here is a wonderful Christian fellow who said all the right things, did all the right things, was fully involved in serving the Lord, took her out constantly and he said he loved her only to out of the blue dump her for no good reason. How do you trust after that? How can she ever believe anything ever again that someone says to her? It seems like they always lie. Stinks. Lord, I need your words for her.