Saturday, January 17, 2009

Big day

Big day today.

First we have to leave no later than 8:30 for our three kids having karate testing. It's a big day for Brandon because he is doing all of his low ranks. Which is basically him doing all of the forms for white belt through brown I think. Anyway, it's a lot and I know I could not do it. If he passes this test he will be a black belt in four months. We have been doing this for 3 years now. I am worried about Amber passing her test. She is a blue belt right now and for the life of me I can't remember what she will be next!!

Then we are moving hopefully everything out of the store today. All this with a 2 year old. I am hoping he will be good for us.

We moved all the fixtures out of the store yesterday. The lady was mad at me like I said yesterday and then she doesn't even show up. We had it loaded up and were ready to go and so I finally had to call her. She was running around paying vet bills and stuff. I just about laughed out loud, she's mad at me for not confirming the confirmation I made 24 hours in advance before 2 when I called but 30 minutes after we should have all been there she was still out running errands. What a hoot. People are funny..... so we met her at the store and then it was fine from there. She was really sweet to me after that and I was glad she was not mad at me anymore because I wasn't sure why she was mad to begin with. People kept coming up to me at the center to see if I was okay when we moved out a lot of the store displays. That made me glad because it is important to me that people care about me. Why? Because I want to be a nice person and be well liked and my thoughts are somewhat jaded and sarcastic and I always so hope that it doesn't show in my actions at least. You know? So I was glad they came to check on me because it means they like me. So I smiled big and told everyone I was okay and that I was just trusting in God to take me down the path he wants me on. Only this time God, you be a little louder because I really did think I was on the right path before. I made a decision in advance to say nothing negative and also because nobody wants to hear it. Reading Joyce's book Living Without Conflict has really impacted me and it's still sinking in. But I have this stuck in my head. "Only peaceful words in my mouth.". That is what I keep telling myself. I let one thing slip that was not peaceful and I immediately felt convicted of it and guilty. A lady in the center asked if the person buying my stuff was the lady who had been planning on opening a children's boutique right beside me in the center. I told her yes. She asked why she didn't open and I told her that the lady met with the leasing agent and when the leasing agent started bad mouthing all of "us" she was put off and signed somewhere else. Now, the funny part was that I wasn't gossiping or talking badly about anybody, I just gave a fact. But the reaction of the person I was talking to was to scrunch up her face like you would if someone told you something you don't like and you are done talking to them. Then after the face she just walks away. I was stupid stupid stupid, only peaceful words in my mouth. I regretted it immediately but I wondered if it was God turning her off like that to show me a lesson or I don't know.... what did I do? So once again, only peaceful words in my mouth. When I have some time, maybe Sun. or Mon. I need to do a good post on what is in the book so far. But I can say happily that I have caught myself and stopped myself from saying things that were not peaceful and not necessary to say several times yesterday alone. So hurray for that. I am making progress. I really do want to be positive again and peaceful and I would love for my blog to turn into a pretty blog about family and God and great stuff that I cook. Okay scratch the cooking, I hate cooking. I am having a hard time praying again. Why does that happen? I don't know what to say to God, isn't that weird? So I just start talking to him what I am thinking when I get like that. Better something than nothing. My mind starts wandering when I am praying meaningful prayer and I can't stay focused. So I just talk. I 'm guessing he doesn't mind. Will I ever get this right? I'm not a bad person, will I ever have peace??? I sure wish somebody could tell me what to do. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to "do" anything but there sure must be some reason "stuff" constantly is happening.

Guess who had a heart attack yesterday? That's right, my mom. Hard one for me. Saved it for last. Her defibrillator went off yesterday morning. Dad said it sounded like a shotgun going off and he was touching her legs when it happened and he said it shocked him too. He screamed involuntarily too. He said it was pretty bad. Her heart rate had been over 200 beats per minute when it happened. She would have died with out the machine in her body. Oh, God, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please please please don't take my mom right now. For the love of You, please. Please, it's all I ever say anymore and I don't mean it in the nice way, I mean it in the begging for no more kind of way. Please please please let it stop. She is still in rehab for the stroke and trying to learn to walk again for poos sake, do we really need a heart attack on top of it? Huh?????????? Flarf. (Back to weird words instead of cursing.) Going to call her in a second and then get ready for karate. I am in my detached I'm not Jennifer mode right now. I like this mode because I am in my survival functioning and I really don't have any feelings, I just do what has to be done and I do it. Period. It is quite useful to me when I would otherwise fall into a heap of emotional poo poo on the floor. I can almost feel the switch over in my brain when it happens and I am quite grateful for this strange ability. I just "do". So I have alot to "do" today and I hope I shall "do" it well and peacefully.

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