Sunday, June 20, 2010

Funny But True Gynocologist Stories

As I was listening to the melodious sounds of my children fighting the other day it reminded me that I needed to call the doctor to schedule my annual pap smear and renewal of birth control. In honor of said upcomming visit to the gyno I thought I'd post some really funny but true stories from myself and my friends of past visits to the gynocologist. 'Cause you know....we're naked, in stirrups and someone is diving & prodding around in strange many possibilities abound for embarrassment.

1. From a lady who worked for me: "Jennifer I finally realized yesterday that I am officially old." Me: "Why"?. Her: "I went to the gyno for my annual yesterday. I put on the paper shirt & covered myself with the paper sheet and waited for the doctor. When the doctor walked in I couldn't believe my eyes! It was "Little Scottie". He used to be my son's best friend and he played at my house with my son just about every day for years. I used to change that boy's diapers. We both laughed when he walked in and I told him that even though I'd changed his diapers there was no way this side of heaven I was going to get into those stirrups and let him give me a breast exam and a pap smear!" Me: laughing to death. Her: "He said, oh don't worry Mrs. (insert name) I examine old ladies all the time". "I told him to get out."

2. My story: When I had to get an exam my husband went with me because we had places to go afterwards. Actually, we weren't even married yet. Anyhoo, when the doctor came in Mike went out to wait in the hallway. Now, I am EXTREMELY tickelish and I forgot to tell Mike that I always laugh during the breast exam. I think perhaps I am the only female in the world who laughs during a breast exam but, I do. Every. stinkin. time. So, Mike is out in the hall and of course the doctor does his thing and I start laughing and it wasn't long before Mike knocks on the door and whispers "Is everything okay in there?" I can only imagine what he was thinking and when Mike did that the doctor, the nurse and I started laughing ourselves silly. The doctor opens the door and I tried to explain that I always laugh during that part of the exam and Mike raised an eyebrow and said "Okay, carry on." and he went back out into the hallway. That was pretty funny and he never went to the gyno with me again unless it was for a pregnancy.

3. A friend: During the pushing stage of delivering her daughter my friend started screaming loudly due to the pain. She had no epidural so it was very painful for her. The doctor became irritated with her yelling and told her that she needed to be quiet. She said she needed to yell to cope with the pain so she continued to yell during pushing. Once again the doctor told her to be quiet and said she was giving him a headache. She said "I'll give you a headache" and with that she used the stirrups as leverage and pushed herself up into the air and swung her butt forward and smacked that doctor right in the face with her vagina. Yes she did. Needless to say the doctor shut up and my friend didn't. I'm pretty certain she never saw him again. hee hee hee.

4. Grandma: Grandma lived in an extremely small farming town and when I was visiting her one summer we drove over an hour to go to the gyno for her. I asked her why she didn't use the in town doctor and she said she couldn't. Her face got red so I knew then something pretty good must have happened. So, I nagged Grandma to tell me and she did. She said during her last pap smear at the worst possible moment when the doctor scoots his chair and goes in close to start the exam, he reached his hand up and pushed on her belly causing her fart right in his face. Me: "Oh no grandma, you didn't"! Her: "Oh yes I did and I have been hiding from him ever since". Poor grandma. It was a very small town.

5. A friend: A friend once shared with me that she thought her gyno was super hot and sexy. She said she was always making up excuses to go in there to see him for exams. Me: "Okay that's gross and I just got a baby barf when you told me that". Her: "Well, I can't do that anymore. On my last visit he told me that he appreciated all the "extra business" but he knew I was making up excuses to come in there and be examined and he asked me if I'd cut it out. Me: "Awkward."

6. My Story: On a set up date from a friend my date tells me he is a gynocologist about a third of the way into the date. I was immediately grossed out and let him know that there was no way on earth I could ever date a gynocologist but I said it nicely. GROSS. Then I thought I'd do his patients a favor and tell him that those stupid posters of cats hanging from trees with the caption "Hang in there." over our exam tables for us to look at while they are in our choo choos torturing us do not help at all. If you want to distract us you could put up a poster of a hot half naked man or something. If I see one more cat hanging from a tree telling me to hang in there while some doctor has his hand and 27 other utensils up my vagina....well, you know. He laughed and said he'd do just that. So, if you live in Marietta, Georgia and you gyno has posters of hot guys on the ceiling for you to look at, you can thank me. Of course now I wouldn't think that was appropriate but in my twenties it was completely appropriate :)

7. Final Story and My Most Embarrassing Moment EVER. After not being able to become pregnant my gyno sent me to Mercy Hospital in Miami for a test. A nurse took me into a very large operating room and got me ready. I found it odd that we needed to be in such a large room but didn't think much of it. Then she gets me into the stirrups and STRAPS MY LEGS IN. I knew then this was going to hurt like a #@!&. A doctor I have never seen before walks in shortly after and explains all the horrible things he is going to do to me like dialiting my cervix and inserting a dye into me and after that he may or may not crawl up in there and take a nap or something. I was still stuck on me being strapped in and unable to run like hell. He removes my paper sheet so I am only wearing a shirt now and completely exposed to the world. Ahem. Now, let me preface this by saying that I married my high school sweetheart and thus far into my life only my husband and my gynocoligist have ever seen me in any form of nakedness. Plus, I was quite shy at that time in my life. So, I am super embarrassed to be in a large cold room strapped into stirrups with a doctor I don't know and 3 other nurses. Well, the doctor announces that "we can begin now, nurse please let everyone come in". My head snaps up so fast there may have been a sonic boom in the room and I say "OTHERS"? The nurse opens the door and 12, yes TWELVE of the most gorgeous TV doctor series worthy, could have passed for Chippendale dancers, men walk into the room. Now, since my arms and legs are strapped in my head is the only thing moving and as they all gather around for the party I was like "What is going on?" and I wanted to die of embarrassment and I am certain I must have turned every shade of red in the color wheel. The doctor says, "Oh, didn't anyone tell you this is a teaching hospital and these are college students". Then he asks me if I mind if they all take a turn doing parts of the procedure. Then they just begin doing it anyway, probably because I was unable to speak at that point. Can you imagine? It was painful as @!#* and then I figured out why three nurses were needed, yep, to hold me down from trying to unstrap myself and haul tail. It wasn't a test, it was like a bad scene from some kind of bad B horror movie and I was the half naked girl who gets it in the end of the movie. I have never in my life been more embarrassed than being strapped onto a table and having 13 males gathered around me taking turns diving into little Miss. Jenn. When they were waiting for the dye to do it's job they all just gathered around in little groups analyazing little Miss. Jenn and took turns poking and prodding and discussing her. I was like "Don't you guys have corpses you can do this to?" and they laughed. What was so funny? I've never been so glad to put my clothes on and haul butt in my life! Too much for me! That was beyond horrifying.

Well, hope you had a good laugh. I know I did. Another fun Gyno fact: Georgia Congressman P.G. representing the Marietta area used to be one of my gynocologists. He's probably the only Congressman who can say he's seen thousands of his constituants butt naked and not have been cheating on his wife, lol. He was an excellent doctor, very gentle and professional. He was very kind to me during a bad pregnancy. Kudos to great gyno turned Congressman P.G.

We had a nice Father's Day around here and I hope everyone else did too. We went to Olive Garden with my parents and it was nice. I do love me some Olive Garden.

Me, my parents, and Amber. Braxton is just behind my mom looking at a man we told him was "Santa".

Me, Mike, Lexie and Braxton. Brandon was the picture taker of the day.



Andrea said...

Thank you so much for your prayers, encouragement, and support.

Beautiful pear tree lane said...

This was one funny post Jenn! One we can all relate to. Thanks for sharing.
I m still laughing.

Tasha Simons said...

Great stories, Jenn! I would have been embarrassed too:-))

Anonymous said...

Great stories!
"Santa" as you called him is named Mr. Gilmer. He works at the department of labor in Gainesville Georgia. He works with veterans helping the to find employment after service.
The neat thing is, is that mr. Gilmer served in vietnam. And is a Congresional Metal Of Honor winner...Santa is a war hero...and a good friend of mine.
Again, great stories!